Please Help

[guest1136129]

Thank You JKL33.

[MangoSmoothie]

Your daughter should find a new place of employment. Nursing is a huge field and I'm sure she'll find a place which matches her skills and abilities. I would also dump the "fiance" if he's like this now, what happens when *** hits the fan in life? Cancer might happen, finances can get tight, jobs can be lost, kids can be difficult. Losing your job is hard, losing a relationship is hard, being afraid that your "fiance" will be gone if you're having a rough patch in life and the only way to keep him is to be miserable and sick at work is downright toxic and unhealthy. He sounds like a terrible person to try and build a life with. Your daughter is smart and capable if she made it through nursing school. Her degree will afford her many opportunities. She should use her degree to build a life she's happy with and a better man to share it with.

[CritterLover, BSN, RN]

So a few thoughts ...

• It isn't unreasonable for her fiance to want a long term partner who is gainfully employed. As a single female, I would not get involved with a man I had to support and I wouldn't expect a future partner to totally support me. The simple fact that he wants her to have a career isn't a red flag or a knock against him. It is reasonable. For him to insist on a nursing career, however, is totally unreasonable. But is that what really happened? The tone of your initial post clearly shows what you think of him .... There is at least two other sides to this story.
• Nursing is tough. It is not a career to enter into unless it is what you want to do. My guess is that he (the fiance) wants a partner with a career and she chose nursing. If something like that is the case, there isn't really a concern here as far as career path. However, if she really doesn't want to be a nurse and he pushed her into it, THAT is concerning. I can't imagine doing a job as demanding (physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding) as nursing unless it is what you really want to do.
• Nursing is also diverse. There are plenty of paths that can be followed. However, many of those paths require a least a year of fundamental experience in a hospital.
• Why did she choose this particular job? Are nursing jobs hard to come by in your area for new grads? Did she have any other offers? Other than her preceptor, how are things on this unit? An intermediate cardiac unit can be a tough place to work. It will likely serve her well (as far as experience goes) if she can stick it out. While as a new nurse your preceptor really sets the tone for your orientation/initial experience, it isn't everything. Is the overall vibe of the unit supportive? Does she only have one preceptor or will she get to work with others? Has anyone else evaluated her work? It sounds like at a minimum a change in preceptor is needed for your daughter to be successful ... but maybe not.
• Which brings me to my next point -- gut check time. Is your daughter's perception reality? Like I said, nursing is tough. I've seen plenty of new grads that just can't deal with the reality of what it is like to work on some inpatient units. I don't know your daughter, I haven't worked with her. I can't tell you if her preceptor is unreasonable or if the issue is your daughter, but I know that both are possibilities. Some people don't take critical feedback very well. Her preceptor's job is to create a functional competent nurse. When your daughter makes mistakes, her preceptor needs to let her know. When your daughter does OK but could have done better, her preceptor needs to let her know. The preceptor should be kind but honest. However, nursing school (esp BSN programs) do not prepare you to be a fully functional nurse anymore. Unfortunately, sometimes when you soften negative feedback it lessens it. When I precept someone I try to give critical feedback kindly, but if it isn't sinking in I have to get blunt, and that can be tough for some to receive. It is even worse when the new nurse was a high performer in nursing school, as they aren't always used to getting told they need to do better.
• It is totally possible that what your daughter is telling you is completely true -- she is on an awful unit with a horrible preceptor. If that is the case, it is probably time to look for a new job. However, it is equally as possible that your daughter is struggling with the overwhelming responsibility she now has, that she has several areas where she needs to improve, that the issues she is struggling with have been seen not only by her preceptor but by other staff on the unit and that all are in agreement where she needs to improve. It is quite possible that she was a great nursing student who isn't accustomed to being told she needs to do better and that she just can't deal with the critical feedback.
• It is also possible that it is a combination of issues -- your daughter is struggling somewhat but doing OK and her preceptor is not delivering criticism in a constructive manner but that she delivers her feedback in such a way that it makes your daughter feel like she just can't get anything right.
• My advice to your daughter would be to try to take an honest look at herself. She also needs to decide what kind of nursing career she finds attractive -- what kind of patient does she want to take care of? What does she like about nursing? What does she hate? Is this unit where she wants to be (if there weren't the personal issues)? Where does she want to be in one year? Five years? Will this unit get her the experience to get her where she wants to go?
• She should talk with her unit director with an open mind. She NEEDS to be able to accept critical feedback -- it is essential for her to become a good nurse.
• Your job is to be supportive but the voice of reason. Be her sounding board. Listen -- really listen (she needs that more than advice).

Edited Dec 29, 2019 by CritterLover

[guest1136129]

Thank You Critterlover. My daughter wants to keep her job and can take criticism. She is overwhelmed with a new job, a fiance that sends mixed signals, questioning whether marriage (in 2 months) is something her fiance truly wants. I am desperate to help my girl. She is smart and has a good work ethic but is stressed, anxious, sad and doesn't want to lose her job. I appreciate your post. It helps to know that there are people that sincerely try to help. Thanks

[amoLucia]

I hope we're not being snookered by this post. I'm all out of popcorn due to the holidays.

But if this post is for real, I wonder - what will BF want for dtr after a while? That she pursue MSN? And then a NP job? Higher mgt? Higher salary positions?

Am curious - what type of educ and career does the BF have?

And where are children in the grand scheme of things?

Some things in this post aren't sitting right with me.

I hope all turns out well for dtr.

[caliotter3]

Your daughter might want to discuss the possibility of FMLA with her primary care physician. She might be able to qualify to benefit from the protections afforded by that law in order to save her job, at least for the near future. And I am glad that my daughter knew what to do with her conniving significant other who latched onto her while she was in nursing school. Your daughter needs to figure this out for herself. There are an entire "genre" of male out there that prey on nursing students and nurses. Word to the wise. If she won't clear her head on this matter, then you will have to allow her to learn the hard way.

[amoLucia]

Dear cali - glad you understood what I meant by that 'genre' who latch on to professionals. You labelled it very well. Nurses are a prime target for someone looking for a future caretaker for self or others.

[caliotter3]

15 minutes ago, amoLucia said:

Dear cali - glad you understood what I meant by that 'genre' who latch on to professionals. You labelled it very well. Nurses are a prime target for someone looking for a future caretaker for self or others.

I met a version of that 'genre' when I became a new widow and two or three of the 'guys' at work had dollar signs twinkling in their eyes. That was so unnerving and so depressing at the time. Still makes me uncomfortable thinking about it.

[Eph]

Change jobs ASAP.

[MJB2010]

Be there to catch her when she falls. This job isn't a good fit and the end is near. Prob better for her to go somewhere that doesn't make her so miserable. There are plenty of other jobs in nursing that would be very different and she will be afraid to try another, but it's the only way to move past this. Knowing what you know about her partner, you be there for her. You tell her it's ok not to be perfect. You remind her we are all human. Eventually she will see who he is. You will be there for that, too. Just be the support and the cheerleader she needs. Not every job is a good fit. There are plenty of others she could try that are totally different from the one she hates now. NO JOB IS WORTH FEELING THAT WAY. Your mental health comes first.

[Rionoir, ADN, RN]

59 minutes ago, caliotter3 said:

Your daughter might want to discuss the possibility of FMLA with her primary care physician. She might be able to qualify to benefit from the protections afforded by that law in order to save her job, at least for the near future. And I am glad that my daughter knew what to do with her conniving significant other who latched onto her while she was in nursing school. Your daughter needs to figure this out for herself. There are an entire "genre" of male out there that prey on nursing students and nurses. Word to the wise. If she won't clear her head on this matter, then you will have to allow her to learn the hard way.

She wouldn’t meet any of the criteria for FMLA at all. Job stress is not a serious medical condition. Plus I’m pretty sure she would have to be employed for a longer period of time before starting FMLA.

Anyway your daughter is a grown woman with a BSN. Let her make some mistakes - that’s where wisdom comes from.

[ArmyRntoMD, BSN, RN]

Why would she let herself be controlled? That is the big question I have here. You dont go into a career for someone else- it’s YOUR life.