Please help--nursing school straining family

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Hello,

I'm brand new to this board, having just registered after searching the Internet for some support for the families of nursing students. My wife, always the love of my life, is just finishing up her next-to-last semester of nursing school. I want to continue being as supportive as possible; we and our children discussed the demands of nursing school before she started, and all along we've seen this getting-RN-licensure thing as a family endeavor.

The strain on our relationship is becoming tremendous, though. My wife doesn't have time to do the things around the house that she'd like to do, which is fine with me; I don't mind doing them. No matter what I do, though, it's never quite exactly the way she would do it, and when she sees it, she explodes. I understand that she's tense and under a lot of pressure right now, but I and our kids are increasingly unhappy--which makes it hard to be available to the woman we all love dearly.

We just bought a house, and I did most of the packing and unpacking. Nothing was broken, but I seem to have packed things illogically. With a completely different kitchen than we had before, my wife was at first frustrated with how things were put away, so she pulled everything out and left it all over the counter. After a couple weeks went by during which she wasn't able to find time/energy/motivation to put the things away and repeatedly turned down offers for someone else to do it, she finally said that I could put the food away. I talked with her about where she wanted things, and she said she really didn't know, and feeling overwhelmed was part of the reason she hadn't done it yet. I got what input I could, and when she agreed I understood what she wanted, I spent several hours organizing the kitchen while she was away. She came home to tell me how stupid and illogical it all was, pulled things out again, threw them on the counter, and ran crying into the bedroom.

We didn't cook our turkey until today, because she didn't feel up to it and didn't want me to do it. Today she was stressed again, yelling at the kids for wanting to help or for not helping, and at me for doing everything wrong. She'd picked out a tangerine glazed turkey recipe she wanted to try, but then wasn't up to doing it; she broke down because we couldn't find where the tnagerine juicer had been packed, and it hadn't been found and put away yet. I prepared the turkey according to the recipe while she relaxed with a video game (much-needed down time; I don't begrudge her the game in the tiniest bit). I juiced the tangerines wrong. I put too many garlic cloves in the bird. I followed the recipe for the potato-rosemary rolls she wanted, but used powdered rosemary instead of dried crushed rosemary, which made the kitchen smell too strongly of rosemary, and the dough was the wrong texture so she said we should just throw the whole thing out instead of baking it. I wondered if our yeast was too old, and looked up how to test it, then followed the directions to the last detail; apparently, though, it wasn't right because I didn't use a thermometer to measure "lukewarm," used the wrong shaped cup to test the yeast in, and just generally did it all wrong. I've also been making our bed wrong, vacuuming wrong, loading the dishwasher wrong, doing the laundry wrong, etc.

I really do understand that she's under a lot of stress right now, and feels like all the demands of nursing school leave her feeling like there's not enough in her life that's within her sphere of control. Also, a couple months ago we went to a cookout with some of her classmates, and their families voiced frustration and difficulty with the strains nursing school placed on their relationships. One suggested that the university should offer a support group for the spouses of nursing students. Beyond agreeing vaguely that it's "difficult," though, I didn't (and wouldn't) say anything about my wife or our personal relationship; I don't believe in that kind of gossiping.

I love my wife. Going to nursing school, working (about 8 hours/week), and being part of a family is a pretty big load. At the same time, I'm working, too, and attending school long-distance to finish my MBA in health care management. I also do almost all the parenting and other house/home upkeep right now. I don't mind doing these things

I'm hoping that someone here can offer some insight into the stresses of the last half-year of nursing school, and how other spouses have both coped themselves and supported their nursing students. What strategies have helped marriages survive this difficult period? What can I do to ease the strain on my wife so that she can feel happier with her home life? How can I help???

NursingSchoolWife

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Sounds like counseling is in order to me. She is not coping well, and she needs more help than you can give her.

Nursing school IS very stressful. But some of us did it all by ourselves, as single moms, and without support. Sounds like more is going on here than "just" stress (not to make light of stress -- during one of my most stressful days, I put my purse in the freezer and then spent hours looking for it, went to the wrong car in the grocery store parking lot and came unglued because my keys wouldn't open it and had the store management call police because my nursing school books weren't in the back -- I was sooooo embarrassed, luckily figured it out BEFORE the cops got there).

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Specializes in OBGYN, Neonatal.

This is a tough question. With no really good answers. I'm a nursing student, I go to school evenigns and weekends, it is a full time course because we spend tues adn thurs from 6-10 there and sat/sun full day with clinicals too.

I also work, full time 40 (and sometimes overtime) a week. We have three dogs, one cat and we share a home with my Father in Law. Hubby is great, he udnerstands what I'm doing and he supports me. I do get frustrated and vent sometimes if he doesn't do something that I ask him to do, but generally I try not to ask him to do things anyway. He does his own things and I do mine, i.e. he takes care of the dogs. He feeds them, waters them, takes them out and all that jazz. We both play with them adn walsk them sometimes too. My FIL takes care of the cat. Hubby and I do the grocery shopping together, he cooks and I wash dishes, we clean when we feel like it. Yes we are sloppy LOL, we don't make beds, we wash clothes when we need them, he does his laundry, I do mine. We don't dust unless we need to and we vacuum as needed.

The best thing I can tell you is to sit your wife down (with no distractions) and tell her that you want to help, you want to support her but you eneed to know what she needs. EXplain that you love her and you do not mind cooking or cleaning but you need to know either exactly what she wants, or you two need to compromise. She cannot be all things to all people and that while you love her and admire her for what she is doing, you can't be her and she can't be you. You both have your specific modes of operation and thus you both have different ideas of what is right.

Mostly it sounds like her issue is the loss of control, I understand nursing school takes away that control sometimes but she needs to narrow her focus and try only to control a few things, instead of everything that she is used to controlling. Assure her that you support her and that she does not have to do everything.

By the way above all the other things I have in my life, I am a type I diabetic for the past 12 years and getting ready to have a major surgery - there are thins that I cannot control - I simply have to give them to God because I just don't have the power to do all those things - she will hopefully realize too, with time that she has to give up some things and focus on her sanity and her career goals.

bEst of wishes to you both (sorry for all spelling/typing errors - i am supposed to be studying for an exam LOL!)

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Specializes in Emergency Dept, M/S.

I understand how stressful it can be. I'm the one in nursing school, and I feel like I don't do much with my kids at all. They're even the first to say, "Let me guess. You can't come to my game because you have to study." :(

Yes, I hate it, but they have come to realize that it's important. I'm spending a truckload of money, and nursing school is a lot more work than many other types of degrees. I'm also going through a divorce, though not caused by my lack-of being here, but that certainly hasn't helped.

No advice, really, but both of your feelings are certainly valid. It is stressful, but there IS an end in sight. Keep that as your goal, and just take each thing as it comes. It's not forever. (Thank God for that!)

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Specializes in Emergency Dept, M/S.
By the way above all the other things I have in my life, I am a type I diabetic for the past 12 years and getting ready to have a major surgery - there are thins that I cannot control - I simply have to give them to God because I just don't have the power to do all those things - she will hopefully realize too, with time that she has to give up some things and focus on her sanity and her career goals.

bEst of wishes to you both (sorry for all spelling/typing errors - i am supposed to be studying for an exam LOL!)

I'm sorry to hear this, Amy. I'm a Type 1 also. I hope your surgery fixes whatever needs to be fixed, and you are "mended" soon! :)

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Specializes in Nursing Professional Development.

I agree that your family could probably benefit from some professional counseling at this time. That may sound like a "pat answer" -- but if you read your original post again, I think you will agree.

When all the basic "do it yourself" strategies don't work, you need to call in a professional. Your family is in a lot of pain right now and if you keep just muddling through, you may break apart.

Take care and good luck,

llg

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Specializes in OBGYN, Neonatal.

I agree with the counseling suggestion too. :):):):)

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I agree with the above posters.

Another suggestion:

If she is off for a length of time over Christmas, is it possible to plan a weekend trip for her and another one for all of you?

Maybe a short get-away would help her relax and give her some time to just "be", then another weekend with all of you may help with reconnecting.

I am one semester and two weeks away from graduating. We have five teens in the house and it has been anything but pretty since I started school. We too talked about everything for a good amount of time prior to me starting.

I applaud the support you have given your wife. I am sure it hasn't been/isn't easy. I do hope everything works out and that you can work out a way to have some give and take.

It will soon be over, though I know it is of little importance at this very second.

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Specializes in Home Health Care,LTC.

I would have to agree with the counseling. I would get everyone in. Even the kidss and yourself. I think she needs it more right now to realize that she doesn't have to control everything and you are willing to help and that you don't resent her for anything. Should could maybe also have depression going on. I know my depression got worse when I went back to school. It is a lot of work but sounds to me like you have gone way beyond your duties. Like someone suggested go back and reread what you wrote to us. Counseling would be a good idea. Best of Luck. Just remember that no matter how she acts she still loves you. She just needs to realize she can't control everything all the time. She needs to let go of some of the control and let you handle it (I know you have but in her mind it's still her job and she still feels she needs to control things) . Please keep us posted and we are here whenever you need to vent.

Angelia

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Your wife is abusing you and just using Nursing school as an excuse? Would she be any better if she weren't in school? These are some things to think about. Maybe it is time to reevaluate your relationship. Counseling is in order.

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Specializes in LTC/Behavioral/ Hospice.

It sounds to me like she may be dealing with depression as well as stress. Being unable to make even small decisions is a sign of depression. I am in agreement with the others that she needs to find time to seek some counseling. There is no shame in that at all. Sometimes we all need a little extra help. Whatever you do, take care of you and the kids and make sure that you all know that this is NOT your fault. If she is depressed and highly stressed, then there is nothing that you or your kids can do to make it better, no matter how you try to please her. She needs outside help. I feel for your whole family. As someone who suffers with depression and who is going to school, I feel like I've walked a mile in your wife's shoes. I hope that she will be receptive to getting help. It could be the best thing she ever did for herself and her family. :)

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Well first let me say - you are JUST what a nursing student NEEDS!! sounds like you are a loving, supportive and simply wonderful guy - she is blessed to have you.

Nursing school is so stressful - and moving house on top of that. She just needs a break. she may also be a little depressed. My suggestion is firstly to see if you can get her to go to the doctor with you - she may well need some anti-depressants.

One of the best things you can do for her is to regularly take the kids out so that she can study quietly at home. She may relax somewhat if she can depend on regular quiet study time. I sure know that I do.

Remind her of how far she has come and how wonderfully she has done. She is on the home stretch now - that is an exhausting time for EVERYONE.

If she has some holidays coming up, why not plan to have the kids minded and plan to take her away for the weekend or even overnight if that's all you can manage. My lovely husband took me away to a hotel after my last exam - we just bummed around in bathrobes, had a spa, a couple of bottles of wine, ordered room service, watched movies on TV and SLEPT. It was just wonderful and oh so refreshing!

Another lovely thing my dh does for me is when I've been at a long day at uni - the busiest day of the week usually, he will SMS me on my cell phone and tell me that we are going out for dinner as a family and that I don't have to worry about cooking. It's a pleasant relief when the day has just been too long. Or he might simply get the kids to make cheese on toast for dinner and give me a foot massage with a nice glass of wine before I have to start studying again for the night. All of these little things make the world of difference.

No matter how upset she gets and how little she seems to understand it, just your constant reminder that you ARE on her side and that you DO support her will register with her. She will feel it deep down and it will help. The fact that she lashes out at you indicates that she feels SAFE with you, and that is a BIG thing when it feels like the world is on your shoulders.

Hang in there - you're doing wonderfully. Don't concentrate so much on the jobs that need doing. Concentrate on HER. The rest will fall into place :-)

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