I'm brand new to this board, having just registered after searching the Internet for some support for the families of nursing students. My wife, always the love of my life, is just finishing up her next-to-last semester of nursing school. I want to continue being as supportive as possible; we and our children discussed the demands of nursing school before she started, and all along we've seen this getting-RN-licensure thing as a family endeavor.
The strain on our relationship is becoming tremendous, though. My wife doesn't have time to do the things around the house that she'd like to do, which is fine with me; I don't mind doing them. No matter what I do, though, it's never quite exactly the way she would do it, and when she sees it, she explodes. I understand that she's tense and under a lot of pressure right now, but I and our kids are increasingly unhappy--which makes it hard to be available to the woman we all love dearly.
We just bought a house, and I did most of the packing and unpacking. Nothing was broken, but I seem to have packed things illogically. With a completely different kitchen than we had before, my wife was at first frustrated with how things were put away, so she pulled everything out and left it all over the counter. After a couple weeks went by during which she wasn't able to find time/energy/motivation to put the things away and repeatedly turned down offers for someone else to do it, she finally said that I could put the food away. I talked with her about where she wanted things, and she said she really didn't know, and feeling overwhelmed was part of the reason she hadn't done it yet. I got what input I could, and when she agreed I understood what she wanted, I spent several hours organizing the kitchen while she was away. She came home to tell me how stupid and illogical it all was, pulled things out again, threw them on the counter, and ran crying into the bedroom.
We didn't cook our turkey until today, because she didn't feel up to it and didn't want me to do it. Today she was stressed again, yelling at the kids for wanting to help or for not helping, and at me for doing everything wrong. She'd picked out a tangerine glazed turkey recipe she wanted to try, but then wasn't up to doing it; she broke down because we couldn't find where the tnagerine juicer had been packed, and it hadn't been found and put away yet. I prepared the turkey according to the recipe while she relaxed with a video game (much-needed down time; I don't begrudge her the game in the tiniest bit). I juiced the tangerines wrong. I put too many garlic cloves in the bird. I followed the recipe for the potato-rosemary rolls she wanted, but used powdered rosemary instead of dried crushed rosemary, which made the kitchen smell too strongly of rosemary, and the dough was the wrong texture so she said we should just throw the whole thing out instead of baking it. I wondered if our yeast was too old, and looked up how to test it, then followed the directions to the last detail; apparently, though, it wasn't right because I didn't use a thermometer to measure "lukewarm," used the wrong shaped cup to test the yeast in, and just generally did it all wrong. I've also been making our bed wrong, vacuuming wrong, loading the dishwasher wrong, doing the laundry wrong, etc.
I really do understand that she's under a lot of stress right now, and feels like all the demands of nursing school leave her feeling like there's not enough in her life that's within her sphere of control. Also, a couple months ago we went to a cookout with some of her classmates, and their families voiced frustration and difficulty with the strains nursing school placed on their relationships. One suggested that the university should offer a support group for the spouses of nursing students. Beyond agreeing vaguely that it's "difficult," though, I didn't (and wouldn't) say anything about my wife or our personal relationship; I don't believe in that kind of gossiping.
I love my wife. Going to nursing school, working (about 8 hours/week), and being part of a family is a pretty big load. At the same time, I'm working, too, and attending school long-distance to finish my MBA in health care management. I also do almost all the parenting and other house/home upkeep right now. I don't mind doing these things
I'm hoping that someone here can offer some insight into the stresses of the last half-year of nursing school, and how other spouses have both coped themselves and supported their nursing students. What strategies have helped marriages survive this difficult period? What can I do to ease the strain on my wife so that she can feel happier with her home life? How can I help???
Wow you do sound like a wonderful caring husband and father...if you weren't you wouldn't be here.
You've gotten wonderful advice!
I agree with the calendar...I have a big dry erase calendar-I post all activities (mine, dh, and all 4 kids). I post when I'll be at school and any upcoming exams (for all to see). My mil takes the kids for me when I've got exams coming up (or picks them up from school etc) - it helps tremendously! EVERYONE knows when I've got an exam coming up and that I'll need study time. I don't know how old your kidlets are but...mine are all assigned weekly chores (dishes, laundry, vacuuming etc) even the little ones get chores.
Does she have a quiet and peaceful place to study? I've found that the kitchen table in a household full of hustle and bustle is nothing but stress and a breakdown in the making. My husband is just finishing up my "office" AND...It has a lock on the door!! Whooo Hoooo!! Since she is almost done, it can even be a temporary place...in the guest room, corner of her bedroom whatever.
Another thought beyond just school stress...is the stress she is feeling about...school being over, NCLEX, working as a nurse...kind of a 'now what?' feeling.
I make Friday nights "movie night"...lounging around with some DVD's and popcorn and most important SNUGGLE TIME-she needs it, you need it, the kids need it. Another thing we do (not lately tho) is geocaching...what a fun time for all, and you'll get her out of the house! http://www.geocaching.com/ You can make a day of it, or only an hour or two..whatever you've got time for.
My school actually has a family orientation right before nursing school starts in the fall...nursing school staff and students will explain how much stress, time etc are involved in completing a degree in nursing. As the pres of the SNA...perhaps that is something she can bring up and you can ALL work on it, since you all have different outlooks on the experience. It may help bring up some of the stressors and help voice some of the stresses. If nothing else, she'd do some up and coming nursing students some good (which should make her feel good). Nursing students (and nurses) are generally over achievers and that is a huge stress all by itself.
I commend you for caring and loving her enough to want to remedy the situation. I "could" be your wife...I think I do the same thing to my husband...(thus the office). Communication is so very important, non accusatory, caring, not in the heat of the moment type talks...
I'm a full-time student in nursing school. I also work full-time and try my best to take care of my husband who is off work and sick with major depression. It's a pretty big workload - the most tedious of course being my sick hubby. Bills are piled up, money is so tight...Christmas is coming and my stepdaughters will need some gifts. Final exams are also coming alongside our OB clinical rotation which is frustrating because the instructor doesn't show us how to assess and somehow just expects us to know how. (She's a higher level teacher and I don't think she realizes that this is our first year of clinicals and were were shown NOTHING like that in class or in our reading. I have NO idea how to auscultate bowel sounds or listen to lungs! ARGH.)
Point is - I'm stressed beyond belief. Most of the time I'm fine...behaving normally as if everything were going the way I'd like it to be. However, sometimes I slip and show my frustration of wishing to all heck my husband could just get better and go to work to lighten up the load a bit. That, of course, only makes things worse cause then he gets worried and worked up and the depression makes it turn into this whole vicious cycle - uggggh. I'm not cranky all the time and I'm not upset all the time. It happens in spurts and sometimes I just feel resentful I guess when I see him on the couch and I'm running around like mad and never home. I know he wants to work and help out so much, but sometimes that just doesn't help.
Everyone will tell ya - "Go see a counselor." Yeah well that's all fine and nice if you've got the money. I completely understand that you don't and I know exactly what that's like. Right now I'm shelling out $175 cash per visit to both a psychiatrist and a psychologist each month because my husband's health insurance didn't cover his depression because it's a "pre-existing condition." I feel depressed myself. You would too! My predicament is extremely depressing. I'd love to "Go see a psychiatrist" for my own depression but I don't even have the money for the copay or the time slot for a doctor's visit if my insurance covers mental health at all.
What am I telling you all this for? Maybe if your wife is cranky all the time, there's an underlying something that needs to be worked out. Moments of crankiness are probably normal, but all the time seems a bit odd to me.
If you do choose to have a romantic evening away from the books, make sure it's not before a test day or a big clinical day because then her mind will be racing and she won't be able to concentrate. She'll be thinking about what all she should be doing instead of sitting there.
And also, hang in there buddy. Nursing school is rough on the student and her family but there is an end to it all. Just look at a few of the divorce threads around here. Lots of divorces take place during nursing school or just thereafter. That doesn't surprise me a bit. Couple that with the fact that my husband has some major depression problems and I'm in a pretty high-risk marriage. Your wife might be experiencing depression too.
Specializes in Education, Acute, Med/Surg, Tele, etc.
Wow after all of that wonderful advise...I don't have much to add! LOL!
But I will tell you I read your post and tears started falling right away...I remember too well the sacrifices my family has made so I could be a nurse, and now that I am one. I am always tired and don't have the energy and strength to do my Mommy and Wife jobs when I come home from work. So the cycle can continue...so making good choises and opening communication now will really help to overcome things in the future!
My hubby and I make dates...and I just recently canceled one he was really looking forward to, and it broke his heart and I feel horrible, but I had a very long hard day at work and I fell asleep on the couch 2 hours after I came home...so he pretty much knew it was a no go that night. I reminded him no dates on my work days...hope that helps us not to feel sad about our dates...BUT dates are very important!!!!! AND must be done routinely as often as possible..family dates and adult dates (I find the sillier the better!!!!!!).
Take time to leave little messages on post its...you can't believe what happiness that brings, and RETURNS! My hubby would pour me a bath on my bad days..and oh that was soooooo wonderful...it relaxed me after a rough day at school or work..and I was a much easier person to handle after that..LOL! That isn't hard at all...little of her favorate bath scents in the hot water (lavender is soothing..little aromatherapy hint there for ya!), and a glass of wine or even some refeshing green tea...a candle or two...oh she will be so thrilled, feel so loved, and really return the favor in various very pleasing ways (I did no matter what I HAD to do that evening...till time managment on my part and wonders happened!).
Management on chores is helpful as well...a list on a wipe board can really be a timesaver! Plan out days and don't overdo anyone on any given day...equal it out as much as possible! Takes time, but well worth it for days everyone is feeling tired and forgets what they should do...this way it is written and fair!
And something that sooooooooo helped my hubby and I...we state OUTLOUD 3 things we are thankful for before we go to bed EVERY NIGHT! That way we go to sleep, not with the stress of the day, but the benifits of it!!!!! (and I do it by myself when he isn't at home..he is a paramedic that works nights...so it happens).
Hope that is some additional help for you...I have it a little luckier in the fact my hubby is in the medical field and we have similar stresses and can relate to work experiences...but that can be a hinderance too because we can get into complaint mode about work and not stop and get all depressed and frustrated...we take time, as hard as it is to NOT TALK SHOP...no shop talk at all...like during dinner or family game night (which I made weekly so we had family time to be connected to our children whom have gotten use to mommy and daddy always being at work ).
I am also getting into Japanese flower arranging, and bonsai...drinking tea...soothing aromatherapy...and a more Japanese style diet which has done wonders for my stress levels and my hubby started it also and we really share that time in perfect harmony! May not be your thing...but it sure helped us to TAKE time (yes I capped that!) for us!!!
Good luck to you...and bless your and your family's heart! She is one very lucky woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so many great ideas here, and i felt so very encouraged. i also found a website, www.romance-your-wife.com with more good ideas, and thought i had it figured out. we talked, with me mostly listening, and we set aside time yesterday just to relax, with no pressures, nothing but easy-to-fix thanksgiving leftovers and a rented movie. my wife fell asleep on the couch before we started the movie, and i helped the kids find quiet things to do in their rooms for a while and just let her sleep until she woke up. in the meantime, i tried a suggestion from the website, and made these little colorful cards that said, "i love you, michelle, because . . ." i printed out 27 of the cards, and finished the sentence differently on each one, some serious and some silly. i tidied our bedroom so there wasn't any other chaos there, and then scattered the cards on the bed in a big heart pattern. then i got a little of my own coursework done, keeping everything quiet so she could rest.
when she woke up, she was irritated that i hadn't woken her up to watch the movie already. with no pressure, i said we could watch the movie now, with supper, or whatever she wanted. still groggy, she headed for the bathroom, which meant going through our bedroom. she asked what the mess was all over the bed, and i said it was little cards i'd made for her reminding her of many of the reasons i love her. her response was, "just what we need, more clutter!" i tried not to show that i felt disappointed--after all, this was supposed to be for her, not me--and asked if she'd rather i just cleaned it up. she said it was a "waste" (meaning of time, paper, and printer ink, i think?) and went on to the bathroom. i picked up the cards and stacked them neatly on her nightstand. this afternoon they're still untouched, and i don't know at what point i should just throw them away. i'm back at the computer keeping things quiet because she just screamed at our daughter (for spilling some cranberry sauce in the kitchen, and starting to clean it up with the wrong sponge, then with paper towels but too many--3--of them). my wife was very angry, and said she'd clean it up herself because no one else was going to do it properly. i offered to clean it myself, but i think i worded it poorly, saying i didn't mind getting it as soon as she had served her food and there were fewer people in the kitchen. she said if i waited it would dry up and harden, and she had it anyway, but then she was mad at me, too.
i don't understand, and i really want to. we did eventually watch the movie, and my wife *has* made a couple of genuine gestures recently to indicate that she really does value our relationship.
you've all been so full of good advice . . . what could i have done better this time? it must seem like i'm doing nothing but complaining, but that's really not my intent; my wife and our family are my top priority, whether that's giving needed space and supporting her dreams or whether that's being someone to lean on when she needs it. she's an incredible woman, talented and *very* smart, fantastic sense of humor, gorgeous eyes, very strong ethics, professionally competent, --everything i admire, and she always has been. i also really like that there have always been things she wanted me to do for her--make phone calls to find out why the newspaper's late or who can carpool to get our son to a club meeting, come remove the spider from the shower, put up the shelf she wanted over the washer and dryer, etc. making those cards yesterday reinforced for *me* all of the reasons that i'm still very much in love with her and figure i always will be.
i try to be a good, active listener and a supportive partner. i try to keep the chores done so there's less on her plate. i try to be romantic and loving. but i'm missing something, and i can't afford to miss it because my marriage deserves whatever attention it takes to keep it healthy.
can anyone help me figure out what i'm doing wrong? or are there better suggestions for what i could be doing right? thank you!!
Specializes in Education, Acute, Med/Surg, Tele, etc.
You are doing your best...oh man here comes the tears again...oh my goodness what a wonderful person you are!!!!!!!!!
But accept the fact that you do have limitations...you are trying, and trying is the battle. Somethings may have to slide..maybe write down the things that you and her are unwilling to slide on...I mean.. a messy house can be fixed and lived in...but say...letting your children go without eating or clothed properly you can not...so prioritize....
And well..relations..oh this can be such a bugger! You need this time, but being there done that I can really relate to that not happening at regular intervals or...well lets face it..sometimes at all. That is where your special and unique insight will guide you..that I can not help. I find it helpful to go back and do something you did when you were dating...helps for me, I don't know about you.
I would go on the bandwagon of counsel, but lets face it again...yeah right, like a nursing student is going to glow and say.....yes lets put another thing on my schedule! I wouldn't have been in the LEAST bit open to that idea at the time...too much! So if she is...awesome!!!! If not...well at least you may know why..it wasn't that I didn't want to be more...I just didn't have more to give.....
I hope your selflessness and strength continues...you are a wonderful person and I would be more than pleased to call you a friend or know you in my life..I need folks like you...we all do!!!!!!!! To be so faithful and understanding..well that is precious! But you have limits...and don't be afraid of admitting that!
Some personal counseling for yourself may be of great benifit if you so wish...I can't see why it would hurt...get your own feelings out, so you don't burn out being the loveing person you obviously are. Take care of you too okay....
Bless your heart!!!!!! You have moved me so very much and reminded me that in this stressful world of taking care of others...you HAVE to remember, cherish and take time for those holding you up with loving hands and hearts! Thank you!!!!!!
NursingSchoolWife......you have reminded me, in your despair over your relationship, what is important in my life and I made an effort today to take time with my kids and let them know how much they mean to me. You sound like an incredible husband and all I can say is to hang in there and seriously maybe gently suggest counseling. Your wife's school should have some available free of charge.
I wish you the best of luck. You have tried and seem to be doing everything humanly possable to do what needs to be done. The only thing I can think of is to sit her down and ask her to tell you what she really wants you to do. Tell her about your feelings and that you need to know from her what she wants from you so that you can help her through her stressful period.
I suffer from obsessive/impulisive disorder and can see a lot of myself in what you are describing before I was put on medication. I also suffer from depression. I take 2 different antidepressants but the results are worth it for my family and my marriage.
Good luck and please keep us posted and please come back when you need to talk. We are here for you.
Maybe your wife feels threatened? I broke my leg a few years back, and no matter what my husband did, it was not good enough. I even bagged my cast and mopped the kitchen floor because he didn't do it right! Then when I went through the LPN program, he stepped up and helped w/the house, kids, laundry, and it nearly drove me crazy. Until I realized, he was doing everything just fine, it was ME...I felt threatened that he could do my job just as well. Now, I'm back in school to get my degree, and yea, it's tough, but this time dh and the kiddos are taking over my job, and I've learned to love it!! I guess I'm just trying to say maybe she's overcome with guilt and feels threatened that she can be replaced. For me, the hardest part about nursing, is learning to surrender control to another. Encourage her to shoot for a B on the next exam, not an A, and help her to get to know your family again, that she still has a special place as Mom and not just Student. Good luck, and remember, graduation is just around the corner!
Sounds like you are doing everything to help your wife; don't wear yourself out. Someone needs to be around the children. You have received lots of incredible advice. I don't have much else to add other than take care of yourself. :) Best wishes for a peaceful holiday,
I would ask that you read this to your wife from me please?
Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),
I'd like to tell you what a lucky woman you are to have a husband that cares. One that is there to help you through the hard times, hold you through the bad times, and pick up the pieces-when you're too busy with school or shaking your head wondering why he would do some of the things he has done for you. You don't know what you have, young lady. And the worst part is, you may never know if you don't take the time to appreciate this man and your children. He's still there trying to be the best husband he can. He's trying to find ways to make things better for YOU so YOU can succeed.
You may be wondering why I would waste my time writing this note to a total stranger. I lost my husband in Desert Storm 11 years ago. I am raising a daughter, going to nursing school, and managing a budget that stays low, without my husband. I won't ever have little "I love you" cards in with my sandwich, or someone to take my daughter out when I am stressing and about to explode, or someone to catch the slack when I can't seem to manage the drop off of the my daughter and being at class at the same time. I don't have someone there to stand behind me and tell me how proud they are of my A's.
Please, whatever you do, appreciate him. It's the holiday season and I wish you the best for the holidays. I mostly wish you would take the gift you have in this man and his love for what it is-precious.
Sincerely,
A Gulf War Widow
This isn't a pity letter, so please don't send me any emails. I don't question what has happened to me but I sure would love to slap some sense in people- I've found a dose of reality works better than a hand.
).
skislalom
115 Posts
Wow you do sound like a wonderful caring husband and father...if you weren't you wouldn't be here.
You've gotten wonderful advice!
I agree with the calendar...I have a big dry erase calendar-I post all activities (mine, dh, and all 4 kids). I post when I'll be at school and any upcoming exams (for all to see). My mil takes the kids for me when I've got exams coming up (or picks them up from school etc) - it helps tremendously! EVERYONE knows when I've got an exam coming up and that I'll need study time. I don't know how old your kidlets are but...mine are all assigned weekly chores (dishes, laundry, vacuuming etc) even the little ones get chores.
Does she have a quiet and peaceful place to study? I've found that the kitchen table in a household full of hustle and bustle is nothing but stress and a breakdown in the making. My husband is just finishing up my "office" AND...It has a lock on the door!! Whooo Hoooo!! Since she is almost done, it can even be a temporary place...in the guest room, corner of her bedroom whatever.
Another thought beyond just school stress...is the stress she is feeling about...school being over, NCLEX, working as a nurse...kind of a 'now what?' feeling.
I make Friday nights "movie night"...lounging around with some DVD's and popcorn and most important SNUGGLE TIME-she needs it, you need it, the kids need it. Another thing we do (not lately tho) is geocaching...what a fun time for all, and you'll get her out of the house! http://www.geocaching.com/ You can make a day of it, or only an hour or two..whatever you've got time for.
My school actually has a family orientation right before nursing school starts in the fall...nursing school staff and students will explain how much stress, time etc are involved in completing a degree in nursing. As the pres of the SNA...perhaps that is something she can bring up and you can ALL work on it, since you all have different outlooks on the experience. It may help bring up some of the stressors and help voice some of the stresses. If nothing else, she'd do some up and coming nursing students some good (which should make her feel good). Nursing students (and nurses) are generally over achievers and that is a huge stress all by itself.
I commend you for caring and loving her enough to want to remedy the situation. I "could" be your wife...I think I do the same thing to my husband...(thus the office). Communication is so very important, non accusatory, caring, not in the heat of the moment type talks...
Good luck
~T