People think you are rich because you are a nurse

Rabid Response · May 18, 2010

They don't ask you for money because they think you are rich. They ask you for money because you've been giving it to them. Stop giving it to them. It will take a while for them to realize that you are serious this time, but eventually the new rules should sink in.

HollyHobby · May 18, 2010

This isn't just a nursing thing. It's a boundaries thing, and a who-your-"friends"-are-thing.

Unfortunately, there are many, many people out there who will push and push to get whatever they can. They feel entitled. They're smart: if they can get something for free, why work for it? Even when I was dirt poor and could barely scrape up enough money to buy milk for my baby (couldn't afford formula: I am so ashamed of this) my husband had a friend who suckered him out of free rent and the use of our car (which he wrecked). My husband is now my ex, but he has another friend living with him free of charge: free rent, free food, free everything. This guy is 40 years old and should, theoretically, be able to take care of himself. Our son was kicked out of the house so this freeloader could have a bedroom.

(Much to my delight, this son is now living with me.)

This is how some people get through life: by taking. As nurses, we're used to giving. We're often susceptible to sob stories. We want to help people who are down on their luck, and then we're always surprised when that person never does anything to help himself. We sort of expect to see that person to rise up above the hardship, thanks to our help, and succeed.

I vividly remember a patient saying to me, "you make a hundred dollars, don't you?" I said, "What do you mean? I make a hundred dollars in a twelve hour night shift." He said he thought nurses made a hundred dollars an hour. I just laughed. Wouldn't that be awesome?

When I started nursing, I made several dollars LESS per hour than I made working as a cocktail waitress. Actually, after 13 or so years, I still do. But (stupid) people think that if you have a College Degree you must be just rolling in it.

If I were Bill Gates, I'd throw out the money like popcorn. But I struggle to pay my bills. I struggle to get through the day, through the week. Knowing that, it's easy to say NO. If that person doesn't want to be your friend because you don't give him/her money, then he/she is not your friend.

You are able to assess the situation: is there some terrible disability that prevents the person from working? Even if that's the case, there are social services to help. I once tore the aluminum siding off my house and recycled it so I could buy $15 worth of groceries. How hard up is this person, really?

We're nurses, we want to help, and we're vulnerable to this.

Otessa, BSN, RN · May 18, 2010

Practice saying "no" in the mirror. It will get easier and easier.

otessa

Otessa, BSN, RN · May 18, 2010

They don't ask you for money because they think you are rich. They ask you for money because you've been giving it to them. Stop giving it to them. It will take a while for them to realize that you are serious this time, but eventually the new rules should sink in.

If they think you have no more money to give, they will move on...

Otessa, BSN, RN · May 18, 2010

wow! they owe you a lot of money.
looks like they are just using you. learn to say NO. change your phone number or block them so they won't bother you and ask for money. :)

She needs to turn off her phone at work-we would get fired for answering more than 5 personal calls in a day.

RN1982 · May 18, 2010

I've learned a big lesson in regards to this. I had a friend who lost her job because she was on FMLA and was laid off. They asked her to come back but she couldn't because she was getting ready to give birth the week they wanted her to come back. So they gave her position away. They offered her another position but for a couple dollars less. Would she take it? No, she turned it down and applied for unemployment. I, out of pity for her and the baby, paid a large electrical bill. It was 150 bucks. Not to mention all the money I doled out ordering pizza and food when we hung out together.

The final straw was when her baby turned a year old and she wanted me to drive an hour out of my way to bring some freaking bean dip to the party. I said I couldn't but I'd make it for us and we could hang out, chat and eat. She said she needed it for the party. I pretty much figured out from there that she was just using me only because she only called me when she wanted something. I haven't spoken to her since.

eriksoln, BSN, RN · May 18, 2010

I know your situation is different but:

I feel rich.

1. I just finished a two week paid vacation.

2. I have a car I am completely satisfied with. Its not a babe magnet or anything but, I'm happy with it.

3. I was able to afford to do a lot of fun things with my parents while I was on vacation. Got my mom a great Mother's Day gift, went to a few ballgames with my dad and even took a one day road trip.

4. I have an apt. now that I love, not just like.

5. All my bills are paid on time.

6. I can't remember the last time I wondered how I was going to eat.

7. I plan on being in a home in three years.

Yeah, I am not rich, but I feel it.

Meriwhen, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN · May 18, 2010

This is how I deal with friends who want to "borrow" money:

I tell them Sure, but they first have to give me a postdated check for the amount they want to borrow. When they do that, I give them the money and tell them when the day of payback comes, I will deposit the check. This way there is minimal stress on me, minimal friction between me and my friends...and no frivolous borrowing since they know whatever they borrow WILL be paid back to me--hence the postdated check.

It's worked pretty well so far. Those who truly need a helping hand understand my reasoning. Those who just want a freebie balk when I mention the check...and when I don't cave, most usually drop the topic of money from conversation.

rn4ever? · May 18, 2010

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Did you bother telling them you're not rich? Don't you portray an image that you're rich and pretend that financially it's okay for you to dole out money? How do you reply to them when they hit you up for cash? Because your answer has a lot to do with their attitude towards you. Do you attempt to set limits and say no? Whether you're a nurse, a doctor, a model, a driver, a bartender, or whatever job you have doesn't matter-----they ask for money because you give it to them. I have heard of the saying, loan a friend money.....and you lose both. That said, consider that any money you loan won't be paid back-----if you can't afford it, don't loan it. They might be emotionally black-mailing you.....but the best thing is to sever ties with people who view you as a human ATM. Afterall, do you seriously think that these folks (who are just after your money) will be there for you when you're the one in need of help?

First I had to loan my in-laws 1500.00 to keep the bank from foreclosing on their home (never got it back). Then 2 other people borrowed 20.00 and never paid me back. Now I have this so-called "friend" who calls me about 2-3 times per month to borrow money. She has 5 kids and uses the line "the baby needs milk" or "we have no food". Now, neither work and they draw checks, foodstamps, plus the kids draw checks as well, they get assistance with utilities, and free medical care and free medicines. I used to loan them money, never to get it back. I felt sorry for them. Well, I wont loan them money anymore, but they still try it constantly. She called me 4 times today WHILE I WAS WORKING...hinting for money. I work all day 5 days a week while they lay on their butts all day and do nothing (there is more physically wrong with me than either of them). Im working, they can too. But they honestly think Im rich because Im a nurse and I can just shell out money at a moment's notice. Do any of you experience this with people? I get tired of watching lazy people (not the people who actually need help) get so much help and still expect more from people who WORK. Im tired of lines like "you are a nurse and make the big bucks", etc. grrrrrrrrr.
And yes, the doors to "chenoaspirit national bank" are now closed. lol, but I just find it so frustrating. I will no longer allow anyone to make me feel sorry for them. I feel bad when I say no, but dang.

::Goodie::, RN · May 18, 2010

They don't ask you for money because they think you are rich. They ask you for money because you've been giving it to them. Stop giving it to them. It will take a while for them to realize that you are serious this time, but eventually the new rules should sink in.

I think this is very sage advice. And... difficult to do, but verrrry effective: If you want someone to stop bugging you for money (especially while they still owe you money!), ASK FOR YOUR MONEY BACK. Each and every time they call you, you should ask, "Oh, I need my money back." .... "That's great - I need my money back." ...."I need my money back - when should I stop by?"

GUARRANTEED to make them STOP CALLING YOU. :devil:

You might have to resign yourself to having lost the monies owed you so far because those people will evaporate... but in going forward, your answer should be : "Oh, I don't have that right now." Of course, the short answer is simply, "No." which IS a complete sentence, but often very difficult to utter.

I'm thinking your thread title could have been more appropriately entitled: "People think I'm rich and will give them money, because I am a tenderhearted, soft touch."

Good luck - Your money should be enjoyed by YOU.

AOx1 · May 18, 2010

I had a young, able-bodied relative that would try this tactic often and didn't work, yet expected us to loan her money. We told her she would have to earn it, just as we did and told her she could do work in exchange for it (ex- wash cars, clean, yard work, etc). Needless to say she didn't find this as appealing as mooching.We finally told her that we would never change our mind, and to either stop asking or not call again. These type of people are not your friends. Most of our friends make significantly more money than we do, but I wouldn't mooch off them; they are my friends because they are kind, wonderful people. Nice people don't see others for only what they can offer; moochers will suck the life right out of you like a cancer. I just cut them off, and feel instantly better. I won't enable them. It would be different if this were a true emergency (ex-catastrophic illness, natural disaster, etc) that deserves assistance and compassion.

Bobbkat · May 18, 2010

I have only read about half of the replies, but I must agree with and echo the advice everyone is giving. Be strong, keep the doors CLOSED!

I definately 'get' how frustrating it is. My husband is one of 6 children. Of the 6, only he and his older brother have anything resembling a stable, well paying career. In particular one of his older sisters is horrible with money, and is constantly job hopping. She has 5 children, and hasn't always been great about providing for them. In fact, my husband used to buy the youngest clothing quite often, because it was the only way she got any.

She has called us because her electric was turned off, for not paying her bill. We paid it, got the electric turned back on, only because she had children living there. Then we found out why she didn't have the money. She paid for a cruise. She also had to get her hair and nails done. Are you kdding me?? I put my foot down and told my husband that if she ever asked us to pay her bills we would gladly take in her children, but we would not support her irresponsible habits. (and yes, I know taking in the kids is sort of supporting her habits....but why should they have to suffer through this?)

Anyways, a few years ago this sister called us at about 2 am. Turns out she was in jail and needed to be bailed out. Luckily the bail was only a couple hundred dollars. Husband and I got up, got dressed, went to the jail, told her to fork over her ATM card, because we would drain her account before we would put a dime towards her bail. She had enough in the account to cover the bail, though she argued with us that she wouldn't be able to cover bills if we took it out. We told her that wasn't our problem. I think she got the hint, because she has never called us again for money.

My Mother is an RN. She brings in about 90,000 a year. My older brother thinks she is a bank. She, unfortuanatly, has until recently supported this notion. She got very close to buying he and his wife a house, until she wised up and realized what she was doing.

So sorry this got so long, but the point is: (as you have so painfully learned through you own experiences) people will suck you dry if you let them. Don't expect them to change their behavior, instead change your own behavior and stop lending. Good for you for 'closing the bank doors'.