after patient dies, nurse perspective?

RN1989 · Mar 30, 2008

I understand that you are grieving and looking for the support of these people. Unfortunately for you, this is not their job anymore. Caring for patients and families like this is very draining to a nurse. Everyone wants nurses to be there 1000% all the time for everyone no matter what. They forget that the nurses have a job to do, lives to live, and themselves to take care of. These nurses no longer have the assignment of caring for your child. They are now off to care for someone else and all the family of their current patients. That is in addition to living their own lives which some likely have lives as hard and heartbreaking to live as your own. You cannot expect these nurses to continue a relationship with you. They have their own families and their new working assignments that take their time. Many nurses spend so much time caring for other people and neglect their own selves which is why nurses are burning out and leaving the profession. Instead of being angry, frustrated, or disappointed that they no longer see you, remember that they are now helping another person and their families in their time of need.

It is time for you to move on to a different spot in the grieving process. I would suggest that you look for support groups where you can interact with other parents in your situation. These people will be able to offer you a different type of support and will allow you to work through your feelings of helplessness and loneliness. You might also start looking at volunteer opportunities. The nurses being with your child were likely the main adults that you interacted with and it is natural to miss that companionship now that they are gone. A volunteer position would help you get back into society, satisfy your need for human interaction, make you feel good about giving back to someone else, and help distract you so that you are not constantly ruminating over the situation you have lived through and how badly you feel. It is very possible that you might find someone who just had a child die and you could help them through the first stages of their grief while helping your ownself cope and move forward with your life.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Mar 30, 2008

Please let me offer my condolences on the passing of your beloved son. :crying2: Having lost a little one of my own 24 years ago this month, I know your pain all too well.........Most of us grow into adulthood expecting someday to bury our parents, not our children, and when it does happen, it's like the laws of nature have been violated, and we are never again the same.

What RN1989 said is true: nurses really have no choice but to move on after a patient's death. We can't afford to internalize the losses, because we see so many during the course of a career that we would literally go insane if we were to do so. In the meantime, I would suggest that you check out The Compassionate Friends, which is a support group for bereaved parents; they have chapters all over the country, and there's sure to be one near you. If not, ask your local hospital if they sponsor a grief-support group; many offer this service or can refer you to one.

I am so sorry for your loss. Contrary to society's expectations, parents who have lost children never "get over" it...........we get through it, we get past it, but we don't get over it. Be gentle with yourself; nine months is not sufficient time to have worked all the way through the grief process. But please do seek support, and someday, when you are a nurse, you will be able to help another parent through this and you will realize that there is, indeed, a "purpose to everything under Heaven".

Best wishes to you.

leslie :-D · Mar 30, 2008

allow me to offer my sincerest condolences.

i do understand such loss, and my heart breaks for your loss.

i took the liberty of finding this link for you.

if interested, this will enable you to share your concerns with those who have been there.

so much support here.

Healing the Grieving Heart

http://www.thegriefblog.com

i work as a hospice nurse in an inpatient facility.

although i have not cared for a pt for years at a time, i have had sev'l family members return to the facility, clearly in despair and demanding why i haven't been in touch.

when involved w/those who are dying, it affords such a powerful and intimate relationship for all involved.

truly, lifelong memories are created with everyone i've cared for.

yet, as the others have indicated, once we have referred you to bereavement-

once we have attended the wake/funeral;

once we have attempted closure on this profoundly omnipotent relationship, i assure you, the grieving begins for the nurse as well.

but, it is time to move on.

that is the harsh reality.

our job is over...

but the memories of this unique and loving bond, will never be erased from the souls of the nurses who were there when your child died.

please know that, angelsmommy.

may you find peace in your journey ahead.

and know, that you and your precious child will live on in the hearts of those who cared for him.

with love and remembrance,:redpinkhe

leslie

anangelsmommy, ADN, BSN, RN · Mar 31, 2008

thank you for your responses. you all have some very good points. but i guess the thing is that he was not dying. he was not expected to die- it was very sudden so they cared for him in the capacity of someone needing constant care. that being said, anyone that is that disabled with high medical needs obviously has a higher chance of sudden death than most people. there are nurses that were there as a "job" and that was clear to see, they provided wonderful care and we appreciated them but the one in particular i mention, first took care of him since he was born. she even took him to disney world with the sunshine foundation- parents werent allowed to go! she went on vacations with us. she would stop by with her mom sometimes when they were out buying plants near us. she often took him places all the time- shopping, the zoo, etc. she seemed so much a part of the family!

leslie, thanks for the link, i will take a look at it!

vivalasviejas- thanks for the advice- i already have gone to the compassionte friends and it truly does help but i have yet to find someone that had a child with special needs like mine. many have had cancer and hospice- but that i think is a different situation and most of them were much older.

that is the harsh reality.

our job is over... > yeah that really is a harsh reality. someone that spent 15 years with my family is hard to forget!

well i certainly know it isnt that long. i absolutely expect that when i am a nurse, i will be working with children like mine - i hope there will be a day i can do that without melting to tears!

rn1989

boy dont i know that! i absolutely can attest to the fact that our nurses always put everyone - not just my child - before themselves- they were called on by family and friends for every medical emergency big or small!

well between school and my other two children, i dont really have time to volunteer- eventually when they are older maybe. also i think it is a bit too soon- when i have seen some of the kids at his school that remind me of him- i cant stop crying. and yes, i do miss my nurses companionship- i used to take them out shopping and for lunch after my son would have an appointment. we did our christmas shopping together and we discussed just about everything! but it wasnt just one way- we went over this nurses moms to go swimming in the summer - with all of her extended family - they went on vacations with us(more than one of them). one of my nurses hosted my sons 14th birthday at her pool!

it is very weird but kind of nice after 15 years to not have extra people in my house all the time, some telling my other children what to do. i can actually wear a nightgown to bed! lol!

well i really appreciate the responses...i guess i still have a hard time believing this was just a job after 14 years.

angels mommy

elkpark · Mar 31, 2008

i guess i still have a hard time believing this was just a job after 14 years.

My deepest condolences on your loss; what a terribly sad thing to have to go through.

Again, it's not a matter of it being "just a job" -- but it is necessary, for our own mental/emotional health, to not maintain relationships with clients and their families outside the boundaries of our professional responsibilities. Many of us have been practicing nursing for decades; if we kept up a personal relationship with every client/family we became close to over the years, there wouldn't be enough hours in the day to keep up with everyone! It's not that we don't care about people and what happens to them "later," it's a matter of professional boundaries.

From what you describe, I would, to some degree, fault the nurses who worked with your family over time for leading you to believe/expect that there was more of a personal relationship there than there was -- I would never consider doing the "extracurricular" things you describe your nurses doing. However, my specialty is psychiatric nursing, and we are a lot fussier and more persnickety about boundaries than nurses in lots of other areas are. (And I'm not trying to criticize any individual, but this situation is a good example of why clear, firm professional boundaries are so important).

If you are going to nursing school, these issues will be discussed (from the nursing perspective) in much more detail in school before you get too far into the program.

Best wishes, and, again, I am so sorry for your loss.

RN1989 · Mar 31, 2008

I guarantee you that the nurse that spent so many years with your family will never forget you and your child.

When you become a nurse you will understand that there are boundaries that nurses must set. Sometimes those boundaries are set to protect the patient - to get the patient do things for themselves that they must do. Other times those boundaries are set to prevent the nurse from melting down under the stress of all the situations that they face.

Know that she is now working with someone else and giving them all the wonderful things that she gave you and your family. Unfortunately, she is only one person and now that her assignment with your family is over, she must concentrate on other things. But she will always hold a place for your child in her heart.

Virgo_RN, BSN, RN · Mar 31, 2008

From what you describe, I would, to some degree, fault the nurses who worked with your family over time for leading you to believe/expect that there was more of a personal relationship there than there was -- I would never consider doing the "extracurricular" things you describe your nurses doing.

I could not agree more.

I am so very sorry for your loss. It truly is a parent's worst nightmare.

kristenncrn · Mar 31, 2008

I too am so sorry for your loss.

I promise that if I know anything about the nurses you describe, they honor your child in their hearts every day.

I agree with all the wise people who posted before me who mention boundaries. Those nurses have to keep their distance in order to function. We all do. We do it for your sake and we do it for ours.

So many times, we are faced with constant pain and suffering. Many times we cause it. And hopefully, we alleviate as much as we can. But there's always a time when our shift is over - and we have to get back to our reality. It doesn't mean that we didn't care with all of our hearts - really. I just means that we have to move on within the confines of our profession, of our role so that we can help our next child (and go home and openly parent our own kids.)

My heart goes out to you - 100%. I'm more sorry than I can say. Please know that those nurses cared for you as much as they seemed to (if not more.) And please - with so many pains that you live with - try and let that one go. It's the way it had to be, I think, and they would never want to hurt you.

Best to you,

Kristen

pagandeva2000, LPN · Mar 31, 2008

I am horribly sorry to hear that you lost your son. As a mother to an only child, my heart bleeds for you. I am sure this is a loss that takes a great deal of time to get over.

I have to agree with others, though. We deal with tragedy of all sorts on a daily basis, and we have to move on to our next patient, next set of circumstances and next position. Most of us try to offer compassionate, professional care while dealing with the patient and family, but once the service is rendered, we do have to set ourselves up for the next group of people that need our services, and another entity has to take over to assist you through this sad grieving process.

Also, many of us have our own situations, and if we are professionals, we do not dump them on the clients we are currently serving. We also have members of the family who may be chronically or terminally ill, have difficult familes, bad relationships, job stress, personal health issues that need to be addressed (and many times, neglected).

Please consider using some of the resources that were posted here. In fact, I plan to write them down for myself to give to patients who have experienced a loss. It is also part of our jobs to pass information like this before we seperate from the grieving family member and I am glad you got it from here.

(((Hugs to you))) and I know your child is sitting on a cloud with wings and smiling at you.

CHATSDALE · Mar 31, 2008

as a mother who has lost a child i reach out to you

i have had patients whose families depended on nursing so much that it was difficult to let go after a death

one dtr called the nurses station to ask why no one came to the funeral, i have been to patients funeral before but usually when i had a outside friendship with a family member i really didn't have an answer to this woman but i told her that it was a long way for some nurses who were off and that many of them were at work, these were only excuses because i knew that none of them really considered it but i was at loss of what to say

i am glad that you are blessed with two other children, nothing can take the place on a child but care for them takes up time and days follow each other

good luck with your schooling and i hope you like nursing

elizabells, BSN, RN · Mar 31, 2008

I'm actually leaving the NICU because I've been unable to cope with the death of a longtime (for the NICU, at least) patient. He's been gone four months, and I continue to have sweating, horror-movie nightmares at least once a week. What I can tell you is that the nurses may be unsure of how to approach you. Z's other primaries and I got (and continue to get) a lot of static from our colleagues about how "inappropriate" our attachment was. I got a fierce dressing-down once from a senior nurse about how I needed to remember that he wasn't my child, and that our grieving was actually detrimental to his mother's sense of herself as the parent.

So it may not be that they don't care, or don't grieve. They might be overwhelmed with emotions that they aren't "supposed" to be feeling. They might not want to burden you with their own sadness, as you have enough on your plate on your own. They might think you don't want to hear from them; that you want to put the memories behind you.

They miss him too. I can promise you that, however they are behaving now.