Let me start by saying I have always been interested in medicine. My first born child had high medical needs his whole life and that led me to nursing because not only was i always interested in it but it also was a job that is flexible and i figured i would work per diem- if my son was not hospitalized and had care for the day- then i could work.
Well my son died unexpectedly about 9 months ago. The nurses that cared for him spent as much time with him as i did. One nurse cared for him for the last 14 years (one break of about a year). What i dont understand is that after caring for him all that time, they dont call me or come see me. One nurse does. but the one that was with him the longest and with me when he died, came to see me the week he died and then that was it. She told me to call HER. so i did, and i even stopped by to see her one day. But that was it. Can anyone give me the nurses perspective on this?
Specializes in Rehab., Home Health, Geriatrics, MR/DD.
I am so sorry for your loss...
While I do understand the previous posters statements, I do have a somewhat different perspective and hope maybe it can help you....
I took care of a pt with cerebal palsy/mr , as an aide for about 6 years....the aide who took care of the pt prior to me was there for about 5 years......her and the mother were great friends.....or so the mother thought....the aide was married to a military guy, and they got new orders and moved away....and that was that.....no contact....nothing.....well, given that the mother spent a vast majority of her time taking care of her daughter, what had happened was basically the aides were her friends/support system......so when the aide just left, didn't call or email, etc....it was a loss to her......and she couldn't understand it....
So, my statement is that in a sense this constitutes not one but two losses for you.....your precious son and someone you thought was a friend...It could be, for this nurse that talking to you reminds her of your son and she doesn't know how to act/feel.....or it could be that maybe she really wasn't the friend she portrayed herself to be....
While I totally 'get' the need for a nurse to be professional, etc....I will say as far as my involvement with my pt, that her mother is one of my best friends and even though I don't take care of her daughter anymore, I will stay in touch with these people the rest of my life.......Have I crossed a professional boundary?...maybe.....but I've been in healthcare long enough to know who is who and what is what as far as that line/boundary goes, and I don't stay in touch or become close friends with everyone...but in the homecare environment there are some families that you cannot be around for a long period of time and not become like part of the family....have I been that way with all???? no, I haven't...but yes there have been a few and I cherish those relationships and thank God for them.......
Unfortunately, it sounds like your nurse/friend either can't deal with it, and while using 'professional boundary' as a nurse sounds well and fine, I think maybe at the very least she could speak to you about it to at least give you some closure to the relationship.....
Once again my heart goes out to you for your double loss, and I pray God Blesses you and carries you through your heartbreak....
Specializes in Home Care, Peds, Public Health, DD Health.
i think this is more what i wanted to hear. i am sorry, it may be inappropriate but i personally think you would have to be incredibly hard hearted to NOT have a huge bond with a boy that you have taken care of for 14 years!
Your supervisor said your grieving is hard on the mother? well from THIS mother's perspective, there are not a lot of people that will remember my son as well as his nurses. I think more than anything, i was afraid that he would be forgotten or that his life had no meaning. Knowing my nurses miss his sweet smile and laugh too helps me. And while i can talk about him to family, my husband is the only other person that knew him as well as his nurses. At his funeral, i had people get up and talk about him, their memories of him. The most moving eulogies were from his nurses. One nurse told of how it was her first patient and how much he would smile and laugh. One nurse didnt want ped patients, she was supposed to only fill one shift and stayed several years.
Your NICU patients mother may actually appreciate your attachment to her child. I hated when my son was in the NICU and i felt I had no control over him. I could see how it would be a find line, but i thin it would be very difficult to not grow attached to a patient you care for that long, and that closely.
Specializes in Home Care, Peds, Public Health, DD Health.
Nazarite,
i guess that is it. There were nurses that were not really more than that. and there are those that have turned into friendships- one couldl no longer care for my son but we still see each other and our kids play together and we go out together etc. Another brings her grandchild over.
I am just surprised at the lack or contact. And maybe she wants me to contact her so that she knows what i want or what i am comfortable with.
I know that she is not like this with all her patients. I guess it could be that we do not have the relationship i thought we did. I do miss having the nurses in my house and the cameraderie. But i think what i was looking for was more someone that remembers my son like i do. I think it is very different in home care. These people definately become part of the family. they have watched us adopt several other children- this nurse even went with us and my son to pick up our newly adopted baby!
I just dont see how you can share so much with a family and then just no contact.
But all these responses have definately given me many different perspectives and i really appreciate it.
I am not sure if it is not the relationship i imagined, or that she needs to distance herself as well. I know it cannot be easy on her, she was with me when he died as i told them they were not allowed to give heart drugs or intubate him- we had a DNR in place for certain advanced support. and after caring for him for 14 years, it must be a grieving process for her as well.
Thank you all for the many different perspectives.
Nazarite
34 Posts
I am so sorry for your loss...
While I do understand the previous posters statements, I do have a somewhat different perspective and hope maybe it can help you....
I took care of a pt with cerebal palsy/mr , as an aide for about 6 years....the aide who took care of the pt prior to me was there for about 5 years......her and the mother were great friends.....or so the mother thought....the aide was married to a military guy, and they got new orders and moved away....and that was that.....no contact....nothing.....well, given that the mother spent a vast majority of her time taking care of her daughter, what had happened was basically the aides were her friends/support system......so when the aide just left, didn't call or email, etc....it was a loss to her......and she couldn't understand it....
So, my statement is that in a sense this constitutes not one but two losses for you.....your precious son and someone you thought was a friend...It could be, for this nurse that talking to you reminds her of your son and she doesn't know how to act/feel.....or it could be that maybe she really wasn't the friend she portrayed herself to be....
While I totally 'get' the need for a nurse to be professional, etc....I will say as far as my involvement with my pt, that her mother is one of my best friends and even though I don't take care of her daughter anymore, I will stay in touch with these people the rest of my life.......Have I crossed a professional boundary?...maybe.....but I've been in healthcare long enough to know who is who and what is what as far as that line/boundary goes, and I don't stay in touch or become close friends with everyone...but in the homecare environment there are some families that you cannot be around for a long period of time and not become like part of the family....have I been that way with all???? no, I haven't...but yes there have been a few and I cherish those relationships and thank God for them.......
Unfortunately, it sounds like your nurse/friend either can't deal with it, and while using 'professional boundary' as a nurse sounds well and fine, I think maybe at the very least she could speak to you about it to at least give you some closure to the relationship.....
Once again my heart goes out to you for your double loss, and I pray God Blesses you and carries you through your heartbreak....
Nazarite, RN