Paranoia or Valid Concern, I Don't Know...

[Stephalump]

I have three kids. Two will be in the "real" school this year, and one (my 16 month old) will be starting daycare. Prior to this I've never put one of my little ones in anything more than a Mother's Day Out program for 10 hours a week until preschool age, so I'm already a little freaked out, but pressing foward.

However, at 10 months old, my littlest one started having complex febrile seizures and has since had one every time he has a fever. They usually last 20-30 minutes and are scary as all get-out.He hasn't had any lasting issues, but he has needed medication a couple times, and in March suffered from respiratory failure, ended up being intubated, and had a stay in the ICU.

So, here I am, about to go back to school full time this month, realizing I'm going to be exposing my son to all kinds of nasty germs. He'll probably get sick more often, and probably come down with a fever while he's in someone else's care, and then possibly have a seizure, all while I'm off doing other things, and the thought is making me ill.

Then, if he does get sick at home, of course I couldn't send him anywhere even if I wanted to, but my program isn't fond of students missing class...ever. I've heard some people hire back up babysitters, but I feel a little off handing my sick child to someone else with all the anti-fever care needed and the possibility of an ambulance ride.

So...for the first time, I'm considering giving up my spot in NS that I've been through hell and back to get. Half of me feels like I'm just mentally worn out and I'm overreacting and half of me feels like the worries of leaving my baby wouldn't be worth it. But he may not outgrow this until he's six years old! That's an awfully long time to wait...

Anyone have any thoughts?

[OB-nurse2013, BSN, RN]

I don't disagree with you, but more often than not, I find there's enough to go around with compromise. My kids need present parents. Money aside, I need to get out of the house. If I work part time or even 3/12s, we'll all be just fine.

I woke up a month ago and realized I hadn't cut my hair in six months! As a very long and curly haired person, that is super scary and my hair was ridiculously scary. Why didn't I get one? A little because I feel guilty for spending money on myself and a little because I feel guilty making time for myself. My kids can skip going to Denny's for Saturday breakfast every 8 weeks that weekend so mommy can get a haircut and my husband can watch the kids for a few hours on Saturday. And nobody is telling me otherwise except myself.

That's what I mean by bottom of the list. Of course if my child was starving and we only had one apple, I'd give him the apple. But I don't think denying yourself happiness just because is a good strategy...a martyr mommy is not a happy mommy. And, interestingly, I've noticed that that kind of relationship with your kids doesn't necessarily end when they're 18. When you totally lose yourself to your children, not only do they expect you to continue to behavior throughout life, and you find you don't have anything else, so why not?

But, no, I'm not rich. We can survive on one income, but we seriously need things like health insurance. My husband makes too much for the kids to qualify for Medicaid, but not enough to afford to pay for our own.

Just because I said I put my kids first doesn't mean I'm not raising them to be independent people and that I'm going to be coming over cleaning their room when they're 30. But yes my family comes first and I go without often but I'm happy and often my husband does teh same for me. He puts himself last and recognizes when I need a break or surprises me with flowers and a girt certificate to go get my hair done or what not. I'm not a martyr but thats the way I was raised and I do the same for my kids. All in all although I think I may have offended (which was not my intention) you do realize that I am a senior about to graduate so obviously I made the choice to go to nursing school and finish my degree which is what you were questioning doing because you were worried it was selfish so in that respect then I am also selfish. Anyhow long story short if I offended you I'm sorry, I was just stated how I feel and I respect all kinds of mothers becuase no matter if you are a stay at home mother or a working mother there is no easy way-all mothers work very hard.

[imintrouble, BSN, RN]

I have children. They're grown. But when they were young, for me it was that simple. Their needs superceded my own. Not always. I'm no martyr, but in the big picture they came first. That's the way it's supposed to be. I'm sorry if it's hard. I'm sorry if you don't want to be last.

Believe me, you have one chance to do it right when it comes to kids. There are no do-overs. No uh ohs. No oops, I should have made the other choice.

You describe a seizure disorder. A seizure disorder! Then rationalize why you think you can compromise this condition in order to get what you want. "He may never have another one". I'm not sure who wrote that, but you'd honestly gamble that possibility? Yikes. If he had only one would that be acceptable? Maybe three short ones? It's ok if you don't see them?

The OP asked for opinions, which I gave. As is usually the case here, nobody really wants to share opinions. They just want validation for what they've already decided to do. Disrespect and demean the person who dares to disagree with the majority opinon.

I respectfully disagree with those who think you can have it all. You can't.

Compromises are settlements ensuring that each person gets a part of what they want. Nobody gets exactly what they need. Just a portion.

Some things ARE black and white. Maybe the problem with our society is that nobody sees that anymore.

[Stephalump]

Just because I said I put my kids first doesn't mean I'm not raising them to be independent people and that I'm going to be coming over cleaning their room when they're 30. But yes my family comes first and I go without often but I'm happy and often my husband does teh same for me. He puts himself last and recognizes when I need a break or surprises me with flowers and a girt certificate to go get my hair done or what not. I'm not a martyr but thats the way I was raised and I do the same for my kids. All in all although I think I may have offended (which was not my intention) you do realize that I am a senior about to graduate so obviously I made the choice to go to nursing school and finish my degree which is what you were questioning doing because you were worried it was selfish so in that respect then I am also selfish. Anyhow long story short if I offended you I'm sorry, I was just stated how I feel and I respect all kinds of mothers becuase no matter if you are a stay at home mother or a working mother there is no easy way-all mothers work very hard.

No, not offended. I wasn't talking about you personally...I have absolutely no clue how you raise your kids or what choices you've made or what the outcome of your decisions will be . I was just talking about the idea of "putting your kids first" and how I feel that's affected my about to make these kinds of choices. I didn't go back and read the post, but it came across as defensive that wasn't my intent at all. I just tend to talk and talk and talk about ideas haha.

[Stephalump]

I have children. They're grown. But when they were young, for me it was that simple. Their needs superceded my own. Not always. I'm no martyr, but in the big picture they came first. That's the way it's supposed to be. I'm sorry if it's hard. I'm sorry if you don't want to be last.

Believe me, you have one chance to do it right when it comes to kids. There are no do-overs. No uh ohs. No oops, I should have made the other choice.

You describe a seizure disorder. A seizure disorder! Then rationalize why you think you can compromise this condition in order to get what you want.

The OP asked for opinions, which I gave. As is usually the case here, people post and then dismiss those posts that don't conform to what the poster really wants to do. Disrespect and demean the person who dares to disagree with the majority opinon.

I respectfully disagree with those who think you can have it all. You can't.

Compromises are settlements ensuring that each person gets a part of what they want. Nobody gets exactly what they need. Just a portion.

Some things ARE black and white. Maybe the problem with our society is that nobody sees that anymore.

I'm not attacking your opinion, just responding to it with mine and my thoughts. Clearly, I'm conflicted, so I value input from both sides of the issue. If I just wanted someone to say "Do whatever you want," I sure as heck wouldn't have come here, and my husband is a pro at that.

My point, because obviously I came across the wrong way, was that there are varying perspectives about what is a "need." I would never knowingly put my kids needs beneath me, but I don't always trust my "need radar" because I'm quite used to overreacting. My baby's seizures scare me to death, but from the medical perspective, they're harmless except that one in a million time when things go bad. We happen to have one of those times...so is having him attached to my hip just irrational fear left over from watching him turn blue before my eyes? Or would I really be shirking some sort of parental duty. THAT is what I'm struggling with.

18 months ago, we literally had NOTHING. No home. No money. Food from a pantry. I know

Exactly what it's like to literally survive solely for my children. My reasons for going to school are

1) We need health insurance. I've been without for 4 years and I'll gladly continue, but my children need it - particularly my youngster

2) Living at the poverty level we were at for two years was in no way an advantage to our Holden, and I feel the need to protect them from going through that ever again, by bringing in an income. Trust me, I'm not saving up for a BMW.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

you might also consider asking your pediatrician/pedi np for an opinion on when your kiddo can tolerate exposure to more people. hint: if the sibling is going to go to daycare and you are going to go to nursing school, he will be exposed to plenty of bugs-- the ones you bring home.

i'm sure you don't want to keep him in a bubble. if he gets a cold, he doesn't necessarily get enough of a fever to trigger a febrile seizure (which are, as i'm sure you know, generally considered to be harmless); he does get a chance to build up his immunities to common community bugs. ask your pediatrician/pedi np for ways to gently goose his immune system-- he's going to need it.

[Stephalump]

You might also consider asking your pediatrician/pedi NP for an opinion on when your kiddo can tolerate exposure to more people. Hint: If the sibling is going to go to daycare and you are going to go to nursing school, he will be exposed to plenty of bugs-- the ones you bring home.

I'm sure you don't want to keep him in a bubble. If he gets a cold, he doesn't necessarily get enough of a fever to trigger a febrile seizure (which are, as I'm sure you know, generally considered to be harmless); he does get a chance to build up his immunities to common community bugs. Ask your pediatrician/pedi NP for ways to gently goose his immune system-- he's going to need it.

I will definitely be talking to his pediatrician! But I know her well enough to know she'll most likely tell me not be concerned and to go merrily on my way. Because, like you said, and I should clarified in my original post, the vast majority of febrile seizures are harmless. Since they are focal and prolonged and he has had complications in the past, he does have to go to the hospital every time, though, and post care has to be meticulous because he's prone to having more than one.

No, i definitely don't want a bubble. :-/ I guess ive never thought of it that way because his brother and sister drag all kinds of junk home from school, so we're not exactly in an aseptic environment. I just think of daycare as the ultimate germ submersion :) But I don't want to be a crazed overprotective parent, either.

Thanks! I'll definitely be talking to my doctor!!

[OB-nurse2013, BSN, RN]

No, not offended. I wasn't talking about you personally...I have absolutely no clue how you raise your kids or what choices you've made or what the outcome of your decisions will be . I was just talking about the idea of "putting your kids first" and how I feel that's affected my about to make these kinds of choices. I didn't go back and read the post, but it came across as defensive that wasn't my intent at all. I just tend to talk and talk and talk about ideas haha.

You replied with my quote so I thought it was pretty obvious that you were referring to the post you quoted..

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

No one can answer this but you........as an emergency Nurse and MOM, I will tell you that children in daycare do become ill more frequently. They are exposed to other children's snotty noses and illnesses. Many parents, because they can't afford to take off work, send their sick children to daycare. Increase exposure to illnesses, increased chance of becoming sick, therefore increasing the chance your baby will seize.

This will expose your child to an increase risk of catching infections/contagious diseases and with his history would be a calculated risk. Is this a risk you are willing to take? The daycare can call an ambulance and you can meet him (your baby) at the ED. but with febrile seizures it is difficult to predict the severity of each seizure as they correlate to the rapid rising of the fever that the babies immature system can't compensate to quickly enough.

Me? I didn't like daycare AT ALL. All those snotty faced feverish babies snotting all over the place, spewing bronchiolitis and whooping cough everywhere.....yes I'm a bit of a germ a phone. I know, building immunities...yada, yada......I just chose for them to build immunities when they were closer to kindergarten. I worked straight nights and didn't see my husband but in passing for a few years.

I vote for someone to come in your home...they can call 911 just as easily, and problably follow fever treatment recommendations more accurately and quickly. If you prevent infections or minimize the babies exposure until he out grows these seizures (they do you know), less exposure less chance for fever. This would be my personal choice. But you have to do what is good for YOU!

You have to do what you feel good about....not what a bunch of complete strangers on an anonymous website say.....:hug:

[Stephalump]

You replied with my quote so I thought it was pretty obvious that you were referring to the post you quoted..

Ok, let me try this again.

I WAS responding to your post. In my post, I was talking about me and MY issues with the whole "who comes first" bit. I was not implying your kids are going to live on your couch until they're 40...I was't being rude or implying anything about you or your choices, period. My reference to being a martyr was about ME. Not that everyone who puts their children first is a martyr, but that I tend to be one, and that doesn't suddenly stop when the kids leave the house.

Not about you. I'm sorry if it came across that way, because it was 100% not my intention.

If that doesn't clarify things, my hands are tied and I'll chalk it up to the good old Internet.

[jhopper]

Like we've discussed before, in my opinion kids thrive at home with mom and dad mixed with plenty of peer interaction. Nursing school will always be there. Kids need mommy and daddy.

[Stephalump]

Like we've discussed before, in my opinion kids thrive at home with mom and dad mixed with plenty of peer interaction. Nursing school will always be there. Kids need mommy and daddy.

I was wondering how long it would take you to show up

[CRNBSN18]

I will have them in daycare only when I am at school. And luckily, I just figured out that my basic nursing practicum class that was listed as T-F will only be T-th until check offs. Long story short, they won't be there as much as I initially thought. It's going to be hard, but I have to make it happen. I have two online classes, on Tuesday I have class 9-12, wednesday is 9-12, 1-2 Thursday is 9-12, 1-3 then it'll change after so far into the semester. I'll pick them up right after school. School is an hour away. It'll actually be preschool for my almost 5 yr old. We have to pay for it with school loans, so I'm glad to find out they will be there less. And I'm very fortunate that they are giving me a daily rate and are willing to work with me on schedules and not paying whenever I'm out on break. Like Christmas break. I can take 2 weeks without paying.

I understand your anxiety about it all, but I don't think you should put your life on hold in case of what ifs. I would just makes sure that whoever presumes care knows CPR, proper precautions & reactions, etc. I would have it all listed too. It would make me feel better about the situation.

Good luck! And.. Worrying is just a part of motherhood! I am very nervous about my kids starting next week. My almost two year

Old (2 next week) is not use to being away from me!