Paranoia or Valid Concern, I Don't Know...

[Stephalump]

I have three kids. Two will be in the "real" school this year, and one (my 16 month old) will be starting daycare. Prior to this I've never put one of my little ones in anything more than a Mother's Day Out program for 10 hours a week until preschool age, so I'm already a little freaked out, but pressing foward.

However, at 10 months old, my littlest one started having complex febrile seizures and has since had one every time he has a fever. They usually last 20-30 minutes and are scary as all get-out.He hasn't had any lasting issues, but he has needed medication a couple times, and in March suffered from respiratory failure, ended up being intubated, and had a stay in the ICU.

So, here I am, about to go back to school full time this month, realizing I'm going to be exposing my son to all kinds of nasty germs. He'll probably get sick more often, and probably come down with a fever while he's in someone else's care, and then possibly have a seizure, all while I'm off doing other things, and the thought is making me ill.

Then, if he does get sick at home, of course I couldn't send him anywhere even if I wanted to, but my program isn't fond of students missing class...ever. I've heard some people hire back up babysitters, but I feel a little off handing my sick child to someone else with all the anti-fever care needed and the possibility of an ambulance ride.

So...for the first time, I'm considering giving up my spot in NS that I've been through hell and back to get. Half of me feels like I'm just mentally worn out and I'm overreacting and half of me feels like the worries of leaving my baby wouldn't be worth it. But he may not outgrow this until he's six years old! That's an awfully long time to wait...

Anyone have any thoughts?

[OB-nurse2013, BSN, RN]

Well, it's good to hear that you've made your way through the first year! Encouraging for me :)

I guess it's entirely possible for my husband to stay home on clinical days. We need him to work as often as possible since he's our only source of income, but as long as my kids aren't getting sick every week he can take off. He actually works for my mom and stepdad, so I highly doubt he'd get fired for it :)

I don't know why I didn't even think of him staying home...I guess we need to make sure we have a nice rainy day fund so him taking off a few days won't be a huge deal. Thanks :)

Yes Im kind of in a similar situation since my husband is the only one that works too. It's scary and I haven't actually ahd to do it yet, I count my blessings but its a good option :) It's gonna be scary the whole way through unfortunately, its stressful. I can't believe my children, marriage, and I have made it this far either hahaha..It goes by so fast though!

[Stephalump]

do the children have a father? If so, outline expectations and even write them down if needed. He sounds like he is waiting on you to take the lead, and maybe you have "trained" him that way. This is when he needs to cowboy up (sorry, Texas term). Do what has to be done as your education will benefit the ENTIRE family, not just you.

I think he's just used to me being primary caretaker. Up until last October, he owned a trucking company and was gone 80% of the time, so he was in charge of nothing but work by default and I just had to figure everything else out. If I wanted to go to school, he couldn't really help in any other way than supplying the money, so I've had to take the lead when it comes to our lives.

Now that he's home every night it's great, but it's definitely a struggle to adjust to the way a "normal" life works. Not only does he have to get used to taking the reins, but I have to learn to let them go.

[Stephalump]

I can totally relate to this! My daughter has an immune system disfunction and has suffered life threatening pneumonia repeatedly as well as MANY other conditions and complications. Daycare is just not an option for her. She will be exposed to way too much and it's just too dangerous for her bc she can't fight it off. Our solution was for my husband to stay home with her. He's been home with her for 2 years now. I work full time and go to school full time (LVN to RN transition) It's rough at times, but we make it work. If something like that isn't an option for you, I'd suggest finding a private sitter that could stay with your child, maybe in your own home. Preferably, one trained in CPR. Is that an option? I hope you figure something out bc NS is such a huge opportunity but our babies come first! I know exactly how you feel. Good luck!!

After thinkng about last night after my mini-mental breakdown, I think I'm going to look into the private nanny option. We were planning on using the subsidized childcare option from our workforce center to help us be able to afford everything and they don't pay for in home care, but I'm going to try to figure out if I can. I was going to have my four year old in care after half-day pre-k, but maybe if I cut that out I can pay someone to come to the house part time.

Do y'all have your kids in chilcare full-time or just when you're in class? My intention was to have them in 5 days a week even though I'm only in class for 3 days so I can get as much school work done during the day as possible.

Does it seem doabe to only have care during actual classes and then study nights and weekends?

[Stephalump]

Mothering and NS is filled with guilt traps. I feel your internal struggle. Here are some points to consider:

1. If you put off NS for a worse case scenario you are setting your self up for never going. There will always be a worst case scenario.

2. Your job as mother is to make sure they are safe and cared for in your absence. Just as a nurse would do you come up with a plan for the caregiver to follow, reheorifice the temp case scenario, get your MDs advice, and know you have done a good job.

3. If you decide the guilt feelings are too strong then maybe just do some night classes of prereq., where you would only be gone from home a shorter period of time. But you would still be moving forward towards your goal.

4. Maybe you can try one month of NS/daycare and see how it goes for all involved. You could then get the real "feel" and see if it is doable. Right now you are trying to make a decision without all the facts. You can drop NS and get at least partial refund (check first).

I have absolutely no clue how to quote multiple posts in one response, so I guess I'll just reply 3 million times!

Thank you very much for your thoughts...much appreciated. I think you're right - after the initial adjustment period, it might not be as bad as it seems right now. And if it is that bad, I have the freedom to take some time off. It's possible that I could transfer into a night/weekend program in my school system in the spring...I've just been trying to avoid it because that would basically leave me no time to study. But there are options.

And I think I'll feel much better after we finalize our childcare and I can have a talk with them about the worst case scenario things. Like I said in a PP, I think I'm just used to shouldering all the weight of the kids, when the reality now is that my husband can bring his happy butt home if need be, and maybe it might be worth being more broke to hire someone to come to our house.

Anyway, THANK YOU everyone. Allnurses may drive me crazy occassionally, but there's nothing like a bunch of nurses/student nurses laying it all out there for you when you need it :)

[imintrouble, BSN, RN]

It's very simple. Whose needs are paramount?

[OB-nurse2013, BSN, RN]

After thinkng about last night after my mini-mental breakdown, I think I'm going to look into the private nanny option. We were planning on using the subsidized childcare option from our workforce center to help us be able to afford everything and they don't pay for in home care, but I'm going to try to figure out if I can. I was going to have my four year old in care after half-day pre-k, but maybe if I cut that out I can pay someone to come to the house part time.

Do y'all have your kids in chilcare full-time or just when you're in class? My intention was to have them in 5 days a week even though I'm only in class for 3 days so I can get as much school work done during the day as possible.

Does it seem doabe to only have care during actual classes and then study nights and weekends?

I only have my aunt (my babysitter) watch the kids when I'm in school and clinical. I sometimes have an extra hour here or there where I use it to do homework or time in between classes when I have 2 classes in one day. Anyhow, yes I survive with doing h/w after my kids go to sleep or while they play at the park or sometimes if I have finals or something my husband will take over as soon as he gets home and I head to teh library or coffee shop. Basically all my free time is used for h/w studying but honestly as you go through teh program you'll find that you ahve to study less and less.

[Nurse Lynette, BSN, RN]

After thinkng about last night after my mini-mental breakdown, I think I'm going to look into the private nanny option. We were planning on using the subsidized childcare option from our workforce center to help us be able to afford everything and they don't pay for in home care, but I'm going to try to figure out if I can. I was going to have my four year old in care after half-day pre-k, but maybe if I cut that out I can pay someone to come to the house part time.

Do y'all have your kids in chilcare full-time or just when you're in class? My intention was to have them in 5 days a week even though I'm only in class for 3 days so I can get as much school work done during the day as possible.

Does it seem doabe to only have care during actual classes and then study nights and weekends?

My kids aren't in daycare at all since my husband stays home, but, I find it very do-able to do homework with three kids around all the time. You adjust, and u just do what you gotta do. It's hard sometimes, but most time, since I have 3 children, they occupy each other.

[WahineMakai]

It's very simple. Whose needs are paramount?

I'm guessing you don't have children.

For what it's worth, I don't have children either. But to break down this issue into such black/white terms is simply insulting to working/student parents. I cannot imagine the guilt and stress that parents go through when trying to secure a better future for their family, and weighing the pros and cons of each situation. It isn't "very simple" at all.

It's tough enough making sure that my husband and I schedule enough time together with me in school full-time and working extremely part-time, and him working all the time to support us. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice our relationship or put a strain on it because of my educational focus (we have an extremely healthy relationship with excellent communication, but I have heard from MANY sources that NS can be stressful to a marriage and I will do ANYTHING to make sure that doesn't happen). I can only guess at how much more stressful it would be if we had children in the equation.

[OB-nurse2013, BSN, RN]

I'm guessing you don't have children.

For what it's worth, I don't have children either. But to break down this issue into such black/white terms is simply insulting to working/student parents. I cannot imagine the guilt and stress that parents go through when trying to secure a better future for their family, and weighing the pros and cons of each situation. It isn't "very simple" at all.

It's tough enough making sure that my husband and I schedule enough time together with me in school full-time and working extremely part-time, and him working all the time to support us. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice our relationship or put a strain on it because of my educational focus (we have an extremely healthy relationship with excellent communication, but I have heard from MANY sources that NS can be stressful to a marriage and I will do ANYTHING to make sure that doesn't happen). I can only guess at how much more stressful it would be if we had children in the equation.

I greatly appreciate your post. I have children and it is incredibly difficult. Last semester, my last semester as a junior, I almost dropped out of my program because tehy changed my schedule and I didn't have anyone to baby-sit. I also can't afford daycare so I always have to rely on my husband or family. It's very hard and I am always stricten with guilt. Before I actually started nursing school I was always part time and took a lot of online classes so I always had time with my kids. My kids and husband always come first but at this point I kind of have to find a way to make due because I'm so close to finishing, I have to finish. It's very hard.

[Stephalump]

I'm guessing you don't have children.

For what it's worth, I don't have children either. But to break down this issue into such black/white terms is simply insulting to working/student parents. I cannot imagine the guilt and stress that parents go through when trying to secure a better future for their family, and weighing the pros and cons of each situation. It isn't "very simple" at all.

It's tough enough making sure that my husband and I schedule enough time together with me in school full-time and working extremely part-time, and him working all the time to support us. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice our relationship or put a strain on it because of my educational focus (we have an extremely healthy relationship with excellent communication, but I have heard from MANY sources that NS can be stressful to a marriage and I will do ANYTHING to make sure that doesn't happen). I can only guess at how much more stressful it would be if we had children in the equation.

Bare bones it may seem that simple. Obviously that's what most of our social choices come down to - who needs what most?

But, you're right, it's not quite that simple, kids or not. We have to distinguish between needs and wants and form some sort of hierarchy we can live with, all while the world judges us from the outside.

When you have to work Christmas, your kids might be upset. But is their desire to have you at home a need or a want? How does is compare to your employer's desire for you to work and your fellow employees wants for holiday time off, as well? What about a husband who also works long hours? Is his need to spend more time with his wife more important than getting overtime to pay for a downpayment on a new house? I have no idea.

In my case, I guess I'm just struggling with whether or not my idea of my little one needing me is real. He may never have a seizure again, I have no idea. And I'm so used to outing my own wants and needs at the bottom of the list, it's sort of the natural place to put them, anyway. I'm working on that :)

Good luck juggling everything on your plate! I think the determination you have to make everything work is the key to everything working!

[OB-nurse2013, BSN, RN]

Bare bones it may seem that simple. Obviously that's what most of our social choices come down to - who needs what most?

But, you're right, it's not quite that simple, kids or not. We have to distinguish between needs and wants and form some sort of hierarchy we can live with, all while the world judges us from the outside.

When you have to work Christmas, your kids might be upset. But is their desire to have you at home a need or a want? How does is compare to your employer's desire for you to work and your fellow employees wants for holiday time off, as well? What about a husband who also works long hours? Is his need to spend more time with his wife more important than getting overtime to pay for a downpayment on a new house? I have no idea.

In my case, I guess I'm just struggling with whether or not my idea of my little one needing me is real. He may never have a seizure again, I have no idea. And I'm so used to outing my own wants and needs at the bottom of the list, it's sort of the natural place to put them, anyway. I'm working on that :)

I'm sure Ill get crap for this but I think when you are a parent your needs are supposed to be on the bottom of the list..I just think thats the way it goes and its not forever they will grow up and things will change and its a very short time peroid of your life in the big picture. I also don't think going to nursing school is just fullfilling your needs, its something that will benefit your whole family unless you're really rich and are just doing it for the huge fun of it.

[Stephalump]

I'm sure Ill get crap for this but I think when you are a parent your needs are supposed to be on the bottom of the list..I just think thats the way it goes and its not forever they will grow up and things will change and its a very short time peroid of your life in the big picture. I also don't think going to nursing school is just fullfilling your needs, its something that will benefit your whole family unless you're really rich and are just doing it for the huge fun of it.

I don't disagree with you, but more often than not, I find there's enough to go around with compromise. My kids need present parents. Money aside, I need to get out of the house. If I work part time or even 3/12s, we'll all be just fine.

I woke up a month ago and realized I hadn't cut my hair in six months! As a very long and curly haired person, that is super scary and my hair was ridiculously scary. Why didn't I get one? A little because I feel guilty for spending money on myself and a little because I feel guilty making time for myself. My kids can skip going to Denny's for Saturday breakfast every 8 weeks that weekend so mommy can get a haircut and my husband can watch the kids for a few hours on Saturday. And nobody is telling me otherwise except myself.

That's what I mean by bottom of the list. Of course if my child was starving and we only had one apple, I'd give him the apple. But I don't think denying yourself happiness just because is a good strategy...a martyr mommy is not a happy mommy. And, interestingly, I've noticed that that kind of relationship with your kids doesn't necessarily end when they're 18. When you totally lose yourself to your children, not only do they expect you to continue to behavior throughout life, and you find you don't have anything else, so why not?

But, no, I'm not rich. We can survive on one income, but we seriously need things like health insurance. My husband makes too much for the kids to qualify for Medicaid, but not enough to afford to pay for our own.