OB class makes me depressed...

[erikathered]

I am currently in my OB/Peds semester of my ADN program. This is already a hard semester for everybody, but I have found that OB is particularly hard on me emotionally.

I am a transgender woman (MTF) and so am practically infertile. I will most likely never carry a child, and by now the chances are low that I could even produce enough sperm to conceive a child for someone else to carry. I have known for a long time that my best option for ever being a parent was adoption, and I thought I had (mostly) accepted that.

However, in the last couple of weeks in particular, I have been thinking more and more about the parts of parenthood and childbirth I'll never get to experience... Our lecture on breastfeeding today in particular really got to me. I know there's some research now on induced breastfeeding, but it seems so improbable that I would ever even get the opportunity.

I know there may not be a ton of other trans nurses on here, but has anybody else felt similarly going through OB class due to other infertility issues? I feel very alone right now and I feel uncomfortable talking to any of my friends from school about this.

[KelRN215, BSN, RN]

There is a way to get through this. You have to be who God created you to be.

This strikes me as an extremely condescending and transphobic comment. Not everyone shares your beliefs. No imaginary being created me.

[tesa0414]

I'm sorry you're struggling with OB. I'm currently in the same class and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. I'm a cis woman but I am in a same-sex relationship and have PCOS. I always wanted children when I was younger, but my partner of 5 years is adamant she does not want children and I no longer feel the strong desire to have children as I once did, so we have made the decision to not have children. The fact that we would need fertility assistance because we are both women and on top of it, my PCOS has cemented the decision for us, but I do worry I may one day feel like I missed out. I can only suggest that maybe you keep your heart open, as painful as it may be, to your clinical experience. Maybe working labor and delivery will be the best place for you if you enjoy it. I was hesitant going into the peds clinicals, but I found I absolutely loved spending time with the kiddos, and am now thinking that may be the best place for me. I still get to have my home life with my partner and traveling, etc. But i get to spend time at work caring for children.

Maybe this class, and your time in clinicals, will expose you to all the many ways people become parents, and give you some ideas of options that you could feel comfortable and fulfilled with. If possible, try to get assigned to/step in on births that involve adoption or surrogacy and see how the parents/family/birth parents navigate these experiences.

I wish you the best of luck!

[Neo Soldier, BSN, RN]

I'm very sorry to hear you are struggling OP; I am not a transwoman, but I work with many transwomen and they have shared with me similar concerns, fears and difficulties. Would you consider seeking out a support group?

Also, this may be too personal, but have you talked to a specialist in fertility re: your remaining sperm?

I think joining a support group is a great idea. I also think you should talk to a specialist to see if there is a chance you can have children.

Thank you for sharing your story. I honestly can't relate in this way. I hope you find the right person or people to talk to about this.

@borninbahamas, don't use religion as an excuse to demean someone. You are a nurse, empathy is what you signed up for. How do you treat your patients I wonder?

[pro-student]

Thank you for sharing your experience!

It can be really difficult adjusting to a reality that is different than what we hoped for. I in no way want to diminish how you feel but I want to point out that nothing you mentioned precludes you from being a wonderful mother. Granted, the path to getting there might look very different than how you imagined and hoped it would go. But as every parent ever will confirm (and you will come to know yourself one day soon) things never go according to plan. Some people's journey takes a bigger detour than others. But another thing parents know is that, once you hold your child in your arms for the first time, all of that pales in comparison. It's ok to grieve the loss of your first choice pathway to parenthood and I'm sorry it's hitting you at a particularly inconvenient time. But also try (I know it's hard) to not loose sight of the fact that motherhood is not something you have to give up on.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

Staff note - this is an extremely sensitive topic. Please be supportive. Comments such as children ruin your life and be who God wants you to be are NOT supportive.

If you can't understand a situation, sometimes its better to pass on by.

Back to the original poster please

[Luchador, CNA, EMT-B]

There is a way to get through this. You have to be who God created you to be.

You should hush yourself.

[kbrn2002, ADN, RN]

I am sorry. The struggle is real and fertility is a huge issue for those in the transgender community. Somebody very close to me is a transgender woman and she went through the same feelings during her transition. She tried unsuccessfully to impregnate her partner before beginning hormone therapy that would make becoming a biological parent impossible. Those last sexual encounters as a male that were mostly unwanted on her part played a big role in damaging that relationship beyond repair. She is now in a relationship with a woman who has children from a previous relationship and is happy raising those kids with her partner though it was a very real struggle for her getting to the point of accepting that physically she will never be able to experience pregnancy and childbirth as either sex. Counseling helped, a lot.

[Tiffc88, RN]

I'm sorry but this is a very odd statement. Of course I'm not judging because everyone is different-the first thing I thought about when having a baby is how will I raise this baby to become an amazing person, how do I make sure to keep her safe and things like that.

[Tiffc88, RN]

People are way too sensitive.

[Bonstemps, EMT-P]

People are way too sensitive.

Nah. They are not. This kind of dismissive behavior perpetuates continued oppressive BS. It is fine if your initial thoughts are different, but have you considered the realities of transphobic behavior? You can be as disinterested or complacent as you want but that is the road to being complicit.

Also - why comment again calling people sensitive. Sounds like something about this annoyed you or triggered you. What's wrong with keeping your thoughts about it to yourself when it serves no one to hear those thoughts?

[maggie0, BSN, RN]

I'm sorry this situation is causing you pain. I don't know if it's any help, but now that my kids are grown up, I can assure you that the pregnancy and the physical aspects of being a mother end up being very small and unimportant in the scheme of things. However a child comes to you, you can still gaze into their eyes and know that *love* that really does overwhelm everything else. You'll have a different kind of "birth" story--maybe you'll travel to another part of the country or world to find the child destined for you, or maybe you'll take in a foster child, or something else altogether--but it will still be a beautiful experience and special and absolutely not lesser than that of any of the families you see on the OB floor. Be strong. Know that wonderful things await you. xo

[Wiggly Litchi]

I'm sorry but this is a very odd statement. Of course I'm not judging because everyone is different-the first thing I thought about when having a baby is how will I raise this baby to become an amazing person, how do I make sure to keep her safe and things like that.

Except, it's not an odd statement at all. You have the luxury of being able to carry a child if you wish (assuming you have no fertility issues).

Your post(s) make me incredibly sad, and that's speaking as a woman who will never carry a child. Try to be a little more empathetic, you're going into healthcare.