Nursing wife..cop husband..does it work?

86toronado, BSN, RN · Aug 19, 2011

I'd say probably half the cops I know are either married to nurses, or other cops. While taken individually they might be high divorce rate jobs, I think police work and nursing go well together!

-They are both high stress careers, so being supportive of each other and listening to one another are extra important.

-I don't have kids, so can't speak to that but I would say that since probably neither of you will have a regular 9-5 schedule it may actually be easier to see each other than it would be if your S.O were a banker or something.

highlandlass1592, BSN, RN · Aug 19, 2011

I've got many friends who are nurses married to police officers. I think there is no more stress than in any profession on any relationship. Same thing as with nurses/firefighters or paramedics. No matter the profession, you must be willing to do the work necessary for your marriage to thrive. You've already been together ten years so you're obviously doing something right! Remember, one key to any relationship is open communication. And being willing to do the work necessary to make the relationship work. You both appear to be going into this time with an increased awareness, that will also help.

Many blessings on you and your family. Personally, I think you can do it.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Aug 19, 2011

nurses and cops are both caregivers. cops tend to be more controlling in their line of work, so it's a challenge for the nurse not to take all responsibility for the relationship when the cop pushes hard enough. this can be hard. cop culture and nursing culture can be insular, so it can be a challenge to stay connected on common ground. shift work, we all know what a stress that can be on a relationship-- can you stay in touch when you don't really see each other for days at a time? what about if you want kids someday?

not saying these aren't all things you can work out, especially if you already have a strong relationship. might be helpful to see if somebody knowledgeable can steer you in the direction of a really good therapist with experience in these issues and clients for a once-over-lightly to help you identify challenges and approaches for you two. drop in every year or so just for the reassurance that everything's still good. if not, think of it like pt-- the therapist will tell you how to identify when a little injury is starting, how to treat it yourself, and how to avoid it next time, and when you need to have it seen professionally. works for this kind of thing too. (been there)

i have a former colleague who is a nurse married to a cop. she is now a well-respected nurse manager after 35+ years as a med/surg nurse; he is about to retire as a chief. they are a great couple. i know others who are not so lucky. one of my favorite quotes is from steven king, of all people, to the effect that marriage is a white spot on society's map-- what other people don't know about it is what makes it yours. good luck!

canesdukegirl, BSN, RN · Aug 19, 2011

Congrats to your hubby! Way to go for BOTH of you for striving for what you want in life-together and separately.

A good friend of mine who works with me in the OR is married to a police officer. They have a 9 year old daughter too!

They do really well together. They understand the stresses of each others jobs and swap stories at the end of the day. They rely on family to take care of their daughter when they have to work late.

They have been married for 15 years. She told me that the key to the success of their relationship has been vacation time. They take a week at the beginning of the year and a week in the fall to go some place fun. They also have 'date night' every week-just the two of them.

I think you both will do well. Kudos to your hubby for getting in shape! He must feel like a kid again :)

NurseLoveJoy88, ASN, RN · Aug 19, 2011

I think it will be fun. Time to bring out the cuffs and play cops and robbers.

demylenated, BSN, RN · Aug 19, 2011

My husband is in the military. He is deployed often, or when home gone for a day here or there.

In a way, cops and military go hand in hand.

He was in the military when I married him. I became a nurse 5 years later.

If you *look* for a reason to get divorced (higher divorce rate, blah, blah), then you're setting yourself up. No one and no job can dictate how your marriage will work.

My DH and I have had EVERYTHING against us. We got married 4 months after meeting. Our families practically hated each other. His mom was not fond of me. I had not been out of high school for a year yet, he was 21 (I was 18), we moved 1200 miles away from home 3 days after we married. 5 months after we married, he deployed for 7 months (leaving me alone, at 18, in a new place, 1200 miles from home). For the first 10 years of our marriage, we were not together for a year straight. I had gastric by pass surgery (divorce rates increase to almost 80% after WLS). We missed most of the holidays together. We suffered from infertility and tried fertility treatments on and off for 10 years. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a chronic debilitating disease. 4 years ago we adopted a 9 year old special needs child. You add up the "divorce rate odds" for all that individually, and collectively we should have been divorced 100x over.

We've been HAPPILY married for 17.5 years.

Marriage is more than one person, more than an occupation, more than a religion, more than a degree, more than hardships... It is 2 people that have to have to courage to FIGHT to be together even when the going gets tough - and finding out the strengths and weaknesses you have individually and together.

Too many give up when they have a "fight" because they are not "in love" any more. Honey, I have been "in and out of love" with my husband countless times in our 17 year marriage. That is what marriage is all about. You won't be "in-love" with that person 100% of the time... Marriage is work.

I love my DH (no matter if I am "in-love" with him at the moment - that is a 'feeling' that comes and goes). I married him in spite of everything. I made a COMMITMENT to him and myself. And above all, I honor my commitments (so does he).

Marriage is about love, respect, honor, dignity, and commitment (and never lacking communication). It is not about an occupation, a 'feeling', a fight, or anything of that sort.

Don't be afraid of what "society" dictates, threatens, or predicts. Society is wrong on so many things, marriage is one... "Society" just gives people an easy out.

When you both are living your dreams, you will both be happy, thereby making your MARRIAGE more fulfilling and happy :)

ETA: We made 3 rules when we married due to what we saw our parents go through (my parents were married 42 years before my dad dies, he came from a broken family).

1) NEVER argue about money. (We never have. We either have it, or we don't. Arguing over it won't make it better.)

2) NEVER say the word DIVORCE, UNLESS we are intending to get one. Never say it in jest. It is NOT something to joke about.

3) Regardless of whether we are angry or not, we NEVER go to bed separately.

These were 3 very good building blocks for our marriage and have served us well.

Jenni811, RN · Aug 19, 2011

i don't think its nurses/cops divorce rate is high. i think the divorce rate in general is really high, over any career. im a nurse, my fiance has a demanding stressful career as an engineer and we do fine.

My cousin is a nurse and her husband is a cop. they are very happy together! Funny to watch them with the kids. she is "super mom" very nurturing. when one falls or is crying she is hugging them and holding them. he is like "Stop your crying! You're fine." or if he sees her holding on them "Stop coddling them. they need to toughen up"

NurseLoveJoy88, ASN, RN · Aug 19, 2011

My husband is in the military. He is deployed often, or when home gone for a day here or there.
In a way, cops and military go hand in hand.
He was in the military when I married him. I became a nurse 5 years later.
If you *look* for a reason to get divorced (higher divorce rate, blah, blah), then you're setting yourself up. No one and no job can dictate how your marriage will work.
My DH and I have had EVERYTHING against us. We got married 4 months after meeting. Our families practically hated each other. His mom was not fond of me. I had not been out of high school for a year yet, he was 21 (I was 18), we moved 1200 miles away from home 3 days after we married. 5 months after we married, he deployed for 7 months (leaving me alone, at 18, in a new place, 1200 miles from home). For the first 10 years of our marriage, we were not together for a year straight. I had gastric by pass surgery (divorce rates increase to almost 80% after WLS). We missed most of the holidays together. We suffered from infertility and tried fertility treatments on and off for 10 years. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a chronic debilitating disease. 4 years ago we adopted a 9 year old special needs child. You add up the "divorce rate odds" for all that individually, and collectively we should have been divorced 100x over.
We've been HAPPILY married for 17.5 years.
Marriage is more than one person, more than an occupation, more than a religion, more than a degree, more than hardships... It is 2 people that have to have to courage to FIGHT to be together even when the going gets tough - and finding out the strengths and weaknesses you have individually and together.
Too many give up when they have a "fight" because they are not "in love" any more. Honey, I have been "in and out of love" with my husband countless times in our 17 year marriage. That is what marriage is all about. You won't be "in-love" with that person 100% of the time... Marriage is work.
I love my DH (no matter if I am "in-love" with him at the moment - that is a 'feeling' that comes and goes). I married him in spite of everything. I made a COMMITMENT to him and myself. And above all, I honor my commitments (so does he).
Marriage is about love, respect, honor, dignity, and commitment (and never lacking communication). It is not about an occupation, a 'feeling', a fight, or anything of that sort.
Don't be afraid of what "society" dictates, threatens, or predicts. Society is wrong on so many things, marriage is one... "Society" just gives people an easy out.
When you both are living your dreams, you will both be happy, thereby making your MARRIAGE more fulfilling and happy :)
ETA: We made 3 rules when we married due to what we saw our parents go through (my parents were married 42 years before my dad dies, he came from a broken family).
1) NEVER argue about money. (We never have. We either have it, or we don't. Arguing over it won't make it better.)
2) NEVER say the word DIVORCE, UNLESS we are intending to get one. Never say it in jest. It is NOT something to joke about.
3) Regardless of whether we are angry or not, we NEVER go to bed separately.
These were 3 very good building blocks for our marriage and have served us well.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm currently going through a divorce and I know if I would have taken this advice maybe my marriage would not have failed. While I'm in another relationship I plan to go about it the right way this time. Sorry to highjack the thread...

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Aug 19, 2011

"my cousin is a nurse and her husband is a cop. they are very happy together! funny to watch them with the kids. she is "super mom" very nurturing. when one falls or is crying she is hugging them and holding them. he is like "stop your crying! you're fine." or if he sees her holding on them "stop coddling them. they need to toughen up"

umm, i don't think this is funny at all. this is the classic contrast between controlling authority guys and nurturing nurses. i think this is a major parenting difference in style and will not even out or resolve, and is just about guaranteed to be a huge source of conflict as the years go by.

ukjenn231 · Aug 19, 2011

Any marriage can be a challenge. I say appreciate that you both have found careers you are passionate about! I am a nurse, and my husband had a 9-5 gig that he quit in the Spring to pursue a career in law enforcement. Unfortunately nothing has worked out yet. I would give anything for him to get a job as a cop - I would deal with whatever stress, schedule, etc there was if it meant he would be happy! I get true enjoyment out of my job and I can't imagine going to work 5 days a week doing something that makes you unhappy. So, I say embrace it and count your blessings! :)

helicoptergal, BSN, RN · Aug 19, 2011

Nursing wife Paramedic husband 2 kids somewhat stressfull, but wouldn't change anything.