Nursing Supervisor is Inappropriate

Nurses Relations

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I started working weekends in March (I still work weekdays) and the weekend nursing supervisor has been extremely flirtatious towards me. He makes sexually suggestive comments towards me, holds my hand, brushes up against me, rubs my arm, draws smiley faces on my paperwork that I leave at my computer when I am in a patient's room, he has given me his cell phone number and has asked repeatedly why I don't text or call him.

For example I am working on the computer and have my hand on the mouse, he comes up behind me and puts his hand over mine and will then pick up my hand and holds it. He said, "your hands are cold, I can warm you up. Would you like it if I warmed you up?"

One day I offered to help a NA roll a patient in the bed so he could get cleaned up. The supervisor said to me, "you can help me in bed." I said, "I doubt you need help." He said, "you never know, why don't you offer to help me out?"

I was about to use a bladder scanner on a patient and the supervisor took the lubricant, squirted it onto his hand, then rubbed it onto my arm. I was shocked. He said, "I have wanted to put some lubricant on you for a long time." I walked off to get paper towels to clean it up, and he came after me and took the towels and wiped it off my arm.

I was standing at the ER doorway waiting for the ambulance to bring in a patient and he stood beside me and started to tap and rub his foot on my shoe. I said, "Your shoes have sparkles on them. I didn't know you liked sparkles." (I honestly thought he would get offended and stop.) He said, "there's a lot of things you don't know about me. All you have to do is ask. I'd like you to get to know me better."

There are a lot of incidents like this. My coworkers know what's going on and some have said "you just have to know how to take him when he makes comments and he is like that to some nurses." Some have said he has been fired from several jobs because of sexual harassment. Even patients have seen some of this behavior and have said that they think it is wrong (he will come into a patient's room with me to see what I am doing or if I need anything or to just check on me).

I don't want to be rude and I do want it to stop, but I definitely don't want to lose my job. I am seriously afraid to say anything. This is the nursing supervisor, so this is my boss's boss. Part of me thinks I might be overly sensitive and overreacting. I've just never had anyone be like this around me. I have not seen him do this to other nurses. I did hear that he was like this to an ICU nurse years ago, but she no longer works here.

So what do you think? Am I overreacting? Is there anything that I can do? Part of me thinks I just need to deal with it and eventually he will stop.

Specializes in HH, Peds, Rehab, Clinical.

WHY are you letting this go on and on? Way too many examples in one short post. You are letting him get away with this by keeping silent.

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WHY are you letting this go on and on? Way too many examples in one short post. You are letting him get away with this by keeping silent.

It takes a whole system to create a consequence-free environment for predators. Directing responsibility onto the subject of his unwanted attentions, who is in fear of retaliation should she fight him, is unproductive to say the least. She has the least power in this situation, which is exactly why he chose her.

Ask why administration hired a known predator. Ask why the other staff members aren't reporting him. Ask why the administration, who knows now if they didn't initially, lets him get away with it.

OP is still questioning whether she's too bothered by this behavior, which also makes me wonder if there's some gaslighting going on. If there isn't yet, I don't doubt there will be if she confronts this guy.

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Specializes in M/S, Pulmonary, Travel, Homecare, Psych..
If your story is true, then no - you are not overreacting.

Seek a lawyer's advice. Sexual harassment is fiendishly hard to prove. It's also a huge liability issue for business organizations and they all have mechanisms to address it. They have a vested interest in suppressing and discouraging complaints, though, so you need someone on your side that they can't control.

The first priority is your safety. Has he threatened you or your job? If so, get out!

Is it possible to transfer out from under his direct supervision?

Have you told him to stop? That needs to be your first move. You need to say it directly and preferably with witnesses. If you don't, when you report him, he'll simply claim that he "misunderstood your signals" and didn't know his advances were unwelcome.

Have you kept a journal of incidents or related them to anyone on or off the job? Has anyone else witnessed this behavior or been subjected to it themselves?

I want to repeat that: The first priority is your safety.

Lets do it again: The first priority is your safety.

And for good measure: The first priority is your safety.

A lot has been said about being assertive and making it clear these advances are unwelcome. Two thumbs up for that advice.

You are at this point in time already in an 'abusive relation'. Move forward treating it as such.

I could go on and on about how he has already chipped away at your self esteem, your boundaries and everything else. It's what abusers do. And yes, the poster who said he knows who to do it with and not is right. You were targeted.

But I want to stress something I've not seen mentioned yet that could prove invaluable to someone in your position.

As I said, you are already in an abusive relation. Just because you've not dated or even flirted back doesn't mean his mind isn't racing and building up 'story'. You've not taken steps to cease the advances so he more than likely takes this as a sort of 'At least I have a chance' thing.

Since, in his mind, there is 'something there', he will more than likely start displaying possessive behaviors soon. Expect him to be aggressive with others who 'get too close' to you (men and women alike). He will also manipulate you to isolate you more. He'll embarrass you around others so you shun groups. He'll push the barriers further, probably give you a nick name and start all sorts of fantasies involving you in his head.

Be assertive to make sure it's clear his behavior is unwelcome, but proceed with caution. I'll say it again: In his mind, there is a relation already.

Tell others right away when harassment happens. Don't wait for the next day or even until the shift is over. Start walking to your car with a buddy. Stay around others during breaks.

Most of all, if it seems to be escalating and you sense anger at any point, run. Don't excuse yourself, don't walk away, run to where there are witnesses.

Abusive people become most dangerous when they see the end of the 'relation' coming. It's a dangerous time to be around them. Don't be around him alone when it gets to this point.

You say you are worried about your job? That is understandable. But lets repeat the mantra one more time: Your first priority is your safety.

My rape came out of the blue, no warning signs what so ever. I knew the person and even dated him for a few months. Never would have guessed that he would even consider doing that. You are in a position where you get to see the monster before it's at your door. So lock the door, put a stop to it all and stay safe.

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Telemetry, ER.
WHY are you letting this go on and on? Way too many examples in one short post. You are letting him get away with this by keeping silent.

Maybe your right, but I really don't want it to look like I'm overreacting if I report it. I also think I might lose my job if I tell someone in HR. He's been working at this hospital for years. I have told my charge nurse and other coworker nurses know, and they have all said there's not much that can be done and to just try to avoid him. My charge nurse was the one who told me that he's been fired from other jobs for this stuff. I asked why he was hired with that background and why he's allowed to continue to be here and she said she didn't know. This is a part time job for him- weekends only. I am required to work every other weekend, so that's the only time he's around me. He has a full time job at the VA and asked me to work there. I said I couldn't because I had applied (as a nurse extern) and was turned down. He said he would get me in. I said no. He was a soldier in the army and fought in the Iraq war. He told a story to me and several coworkers about how he wanted to take care of his daughter's boyfriend and he knew no one would figure out what happened to him. Someone said, "wow, I hope I never piss you off." I agreed. I can see how it's easy for some to say that I need to report this, but it's not that easy. Administration knows about him, and others know. It's happened before at this hospital with him and the other nurses no longer work here (I do not know why- their reasons for leaving might not be related to this). I want it to stop but I don't want to lose my job or make him mad. I doubt the hospital would prefer to keep me and fire him. That's why I avoid him and walk away as much as possible. I'm really at a loss and I really don't want to lose my job.

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Telemetry, ER.
I want to repeat that: The first priority is your safety.

Lets do it again: The first priority is your safety.

And for good measure: The first priority is your safety.

A lot has been said about being assertive and making it clear these advances are unwelcome. Two thumbs up for that advice.

You are at this point in time already in an 'abusive relation'. Move forward treating it as such.

I could go on and on about how he has already chipped away at your self esteem, your boundaries and everything else. It's what abusers do. And yes, the poster who said he knows who to do it with and not is right. You were targeted.

But I want to stress something I've not seen mentioned yet that could prove invaluable to someone in your position.

As I said, you are already in an abusive relation. Just because you've not dated or even flirted back doesn't mean his mind isn't racing and building up 'story'. You've not taken steps to cease the advances so he more than likely takes this as a sort of 'At least I have a chance' thing.

Since, in his mind, there is 'something there', he will more than likely start displaying possessive behaviors soon. Expect him to be aggressive with others who 'get too close' to you (men and women alike). He will also manipulate you to isolate you more. He'll embarrass you around others so you shun groups. He'll push the barriers further, probably give you a nick name and start all sorts of fantasies involving you in his head.

Be assertive to make sure it's clear his behavior is unwelcome, but proceed with caution. I'll say it again: In his mind, there is a relation already.

Tell others right away when harassment happens. Don't wait for the next day or even until the shift is over. Start walking to your car with a buddy. Stay around others during breaks.

Most of all, if it seems to be escalating and you sense anger at any point, run. Don't excuse yourself, don't walk away, run to where there are witnesses.

Abusive people become most dangerous when they see the end of the 'relation' coming. It's a dangerous time to be around them. Don't be around him alone when it gets to this point.

You say you are worried about your job? That is understandable. But lets repeat the mantra one more time: Your first priority is your safety.

My rape came out of the blue, no warning signs what so ever. I knew the person and even dated him for a few months. Never would have guessed that he would even consider doing that. You are in a position where you get to see the monster before it's at your door. So lock the door, put a stop to it all and stay safe.

I'm truly sorry this happened to you.

So far I have only felt concern once- when he came up to me at my car as I was getting ready to go home after work. He only talked to me briefly- asked what my plans were for the night & rest of the week. All the other times I have been in the hospital. I never thought about him thinking there was any type of relationship between us. I don't feel threatened, I just feel uncomfortable when he acts like this. You are right, I do need to be more assertive and let him know he should stop.

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Go to HR. NOW!!!!

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I'm truly sorry this happened to you.

So far I have only felt concern once- when he came up to me at my car as I was getting ready to go home after work. He only talked to me briefly- asked what my plans were for the night & rest of the week. All the other times I have been in the hospital. I never thought about him thinking there was any type of relationship between us. I don't feel threatened, I just feel uncomfortable when he acts like this. You are right, I do need to be more assertive and let him know he should stop.

This is stalker behavior. Your life is in jeopardy. Trust me.

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Specializes in M/S, Pulmonary, Travel, Homecare, Psych..
I'm truly sorry this happened to you.

So far I have only felt concern once- when he came up to me at my car as I was getting ready to go home after work. He only talked to me briefly- asked what my plans were for the night & rest of the week. All the other times I have been in the hospital. I never thought about him thinking there was any type of relationship between us. I don't feel threatened, I just feel uncomfortable when he acts like this. You are right, I do need to be more assertive and let him know he should stop.

And so it begins.

What's our mantra? Your safety is your first priority.

Do remember to have others around when you are being assertive with him.

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Specializes in tele, ICU, CVICU.

I understand how hard it can be to report this kind of thing, as well as the fear of losing your job. It's so crappy that people abuse their power in this manner. Anyways, from what you stated, you haven't blatantly said "no, stop flirting. It isn't going to happen" & while i'm sure he knows that's how you feel, he thinks he can keep pushing the envelope with the excuse "she never said to stop!".

I suppose this mite make it worse, by angering him. But could you communicate with him professionally & documented (perhaps a work email, with CCs to your supervisor and a few HR folks?) stating you do not want him to continue these types of activities. list specific quotes, grabbing, sexual innuendos, dates & witnesses, including patient's commenting to you about observing his inappropriateness. The fact that patients have noticed his actions should get HR to take it seriously, even if he does 'know' somebody in HR/management that allows his BS to continue. Wrap it up stating that if these actions continue you will be forced to file a formal complaint/report to HR. And something about 'at work, no distractions to provide the best patient care possible' or some BS like that. :-)

I know the type, so I could see this royally pissing him off. Sort of a way to let HR know this has been going on & while you're not filing an actual report they are now well aware. Just a thought, again as i could see an email going either way. I'm sorry he's singled you out & hoping that he'll be fired soon. Course, then he's just somewhere else & somebody else's problem.

Last thought, the part about him coming to your car as you were leaving. I know some places, depending on personal circumstances/distance to car during night-time, will insist on security walking you or even driving you to your car & seeing you safely off. Letting your facilities' security office know of the issue might be another way to document an on-going issue but with no formal complaint to HR. Unless he's all buddy-buddy with the officers...

And no, you certainly shouldn't have to play nice & not file a formal complaint, but in your shoes, when keeping your job is a concern... it was just an idea.

Either way, you DO need to tell him to stop advances firmly (preferable with witnesses!)...

Good luck...

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Oh. My. God.

First of all, I applaud your self control. I'd have punched the reality back into him right in front of 10 coworkers and probably a cop. Speaking of cops, you need to call them and file a claim against this person. Screw the chain of command. Also, get a lawyer. I don't care if you have to work 5 days a week at a job you hate to afford one--if this is what it's going to take to keep you safe AND protect your nursing license, you need to do it. This kind of person is not used to being told no. When you do, he will retaliate against you which is why you need a lawyer. The dude sounds rape-y to be honest.

OP, he is preying on you. He will not stop. You are in serious danger and you have to realize how urgent this situation is. I am 100% not kidding when I say to please buddy up with a trusted coworker when you leave work to get in your car. You said he's already approached you while you were in your car...how do you know he didn't put a tracker on it, or followed you home once when you weren't paying attention? I'm not trying to freak you out too badly, but at the same time...yes I am.

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Also, the next time he lays so much as a finger on you, even if he looks at you funny, you need to directly and LOUDLY tell him to stop.

Example: Creep grabs your arm and makes an inappropriate sexually charged comment

me: "DO NOT TOUCH ME AGAIN, MR. So and so, I'VE ASKED YOU SEVERAL TIMES TO STOP AND YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE AT MY PLACE OF WORK."

If he wants to be a perv, the entire unit will know.

Start a journal of these occurrences immediately! You are a subordinate. This is highly illegal and he KNOWS it. You probably aren't the first person he has tried this with. I'm just saying to prepare to find another job. This may be where it's headed--you do, however, need to get that lawyer to protect your license in case anything funny is thrown at you for this.

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I want to make it clear that I LOVE my job. I'm concerned that saying anything will jeopardize my job in some way. Other people have witnessed this, but I never kept a journal. I really didn't think it would last this long. I have no desire to get a lawyer.

I have tried avoiding him and I walk away after he says or does something. Yesterday I walked away after he made a comment and he followed me and said "you don't need to be embarrassed around me and you don't have to walk away."

There's no way I can't be under his supervision. He is the boss of all the nurses in the entire hospital (he's the boss of my boss (the nurse manager)). He isn't with me all day, but he sees me many times each day on the weekend days that I work.

I guess I need to be more firm and actually say this is making me uncomfortable. I have preferred the more passive and avoidant approach because I wanted to avoid repercussions from him. I believe he could have me fired if he wanted to.

"Please stop, this makes me uncomfortable". "My significant other frowns on me calling or texting other men, so please stop".

When he makes the "bed" comments--give him deer in headlights look and state "I have no idea what you mean, this conversation is inappropriate".

"Well, that escalated quickly! I do not date/flirt or otherwise engage inappropriately at work".

You need to tell him to stop. If he does not stop, you could fill out an incident report, parent company website for an ethical breach (as this is your supervisor).

You also need to realize that if you engage him in any sort of banter,(or even if you don't) other co-workers can also claim sexual harassment, as they are exposed to inappropriate sexual innuendo. And that could include reporting you as well.

You also need to realize that people who are sexually harassing seek out someone that they more than likely realize are not going to say anything or report them. The are manipulative and skilled in this. And that he is an upper management person is a control and power issue to the nth degree.

If you have "no one" to report him to, then go on your parent company website. He can be reported through that channel, usually under "ethics".

Doesn't matter if you think he's dreamy and the best thing since sliced bread and oleo. Doesn't matter if he makes your skin crawl. You need to be certain that you are protected from being part of his pathology, and being reported for something yourself. People like him are sociopathic and career damaging.

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