Your Favorite one liner used with patients - page 6

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his... Read More

  1. by   MrsWampthang
    Oh, thought of another one. Also when I was working ER. Whenever I precepted new nurses, and we would go into a room to draw blood or start an IV, I would say "Now so and so, this isn't like the rubber arm you've been practicing on." Got a lot of laughs for that, both from patients and the preceptee.

  2. by   Justhere
    When a patient or family ask my name I tell them "Just remember I ain't worth a cent."
    Get a puzzled look for a minute until they look at my badge with the name abd then the realize it is

  3. by   Victoriakem
    Quote from muffie
    when an eagerly anticipated long overdue rather impressive bm is produced i tell my pts that the newspaper will be in to take their picture
    :roll good one! I'll have to remember that!
  4. by   crackerjack
    Working in the OR, when I go to prescreen to check my patient before taking them to surgery I like to use some humor to help relieve the stress levels they are experiencing, depending on the patient of course. They get the same list of questions from about 4 people and I'm usually the last one so I start out telling them I'm going to ask them a whole bunch of questions that they've already answered about a dozen times, which usually gets a mild chuckle. When I get to the removable accessory items I put it something like this, "Do you have any jewelry, dentures, partials plates, contacts...anything you were not born with that comes off or out, has it been removed?" I usually get one of two reactions, immediate laughter saying they'd never heard it put quite like that but liked it...or...a pin-drop silent pause where they are clearly trying to think "what's the right answer to this test?!?!" then telling me 'no' LOL Everytime I get the pause, the answer is always no LOL So, of course, I launch into a line about what isn't removed and we'd better get it. Then they are laughing anyway cuz they realize they answered backwards For the older folks I often ask if they have any 'special jewelry' I need to know about, which has them puzzled for a moment then the dawn of realization of what I'm asking passes over their faces and they either laugh saying that they've already removed it, clearly participating in the fun, or 'oh my' and a bit of a mock embarassment moment. Then I reassure them that I usually only see that on the '20 and under' crowd but I like to ask 'just in case'.

    I have some others but those are my 'regulars'
  5. by   UM Review RN
    Crackerjack, that reminds me:

    When I have to do the pre-op checklist, when I get to the jewelry question, I always ask, "Do you have any body piercing jewelry, like a belly ring?"

    The over-80 set usually will giggle as I feign horror and say, "What? No belly ring? No tongue ring, no nipple ring? Oh darn."
  6. by   nursewannbe
    These are awesome!!!! Thanks! I can't wait until i can use these one day!

    A hospital definitely needs humor! It's the only way to make it through the day.
  7. by   gentle
    Not used in front of patients or family. Usually sung in the back room with other staff members present. Sung to the tune of "I'm in the mood for Love"

    I'm in the mood to stab you.
    Simply because you're near me.
    Funny but when you're near me.
    I'm in the mood to stab you.

    Usually, I am collecting supplies to start an IV.
  8. by   crackerjack
    Quote from Angie O'Plasty, RN
    Crackerjack, that reminds me:

    When I have to do the pre-op checklist, when I get to the jewelry question, I always ask, "Do you have any body piercing jewelry, like a belly ring?"

    The over-80 set usually will giggle as I feign horror and say, "What? No belly ring? No tongue ring, no nipple ring? Oh darn."
    Sometimes my older set misses the jewelry humor and, if the right patient, I'll kinda twitch my eyebrow and ask again if they have any jewelry in any *special places*. That usually does the trick and they're rolling. ;0)
  9. by   HyperRNRachel
    When looking at the incisons sites of my GI surgery patients (who are usually older men and women....many of them with very round bellies), I tell them "not to worry you will still look great in a bikini".

    For my patients on pain meds, that are unsteady when getting out of bed, I will tell them "you will feel better when we get you off the hooch".

    For patients who can't poop, I will tell them "we will get it out of you one way or another...either it comes out or I go in after it". Or I tell them, "first we will try some natural remedies such as warm water and lemon. If that does not work we will try some warm prune juice and MOM. If that does not work we will then try dynamite"!

    I work twelve hour shifts, so if a patient asks how many hours I will be their nurse I will tell them "I will be here until 730pm, by that time you will be sick of me and I will be sick of you".

    When having to get a grumpy patient out of bed, turn them, or do something that is not pleasant I will ask them "which hand do you punch with...cause I want to know where not to stand"

    When giving instructions on how to wear a hospital gown.."G rated in front, X rated in the back".

    When giving post op instructions to hip or knee replacement patients I will tell them "tommorow the we will get you out of bed to chair, then PT will come in and show you how to use a walker, and by the end of the day we will have you back to playing basketball!.

    When leaving a room with two patient who are getting along, I will tell them "I am leaving now....NO PILLOW FIGHTS"

    For starting IV or doing blood draws I will ask the patient, "can I turn on the big light or do you want me to do it in the dark?" or if it is first thing in the morning I will tell them "I need to start your IV, but for your sake and mine I will drink a cup of coffee first"!

    Maybe it is all the pain meds, but surgery patients are easy to entertain.
  10. by   prmenrs
    Good job, hyper!
  11. by   Ronna
    When I have a patient who likes to joke around, and has just has a really good BM, only nurses want to know color, size shape and consistency, I tell them that they just had a baby and we can name it "Little Sh-t"
  12. by   Hellllllo Nurse
    When pts are worried that I will drop them during a transfer, I say "According to our quota, we can only drop 5 pts a day. We made #5 a few minutes ago, so you're safe." This seems to help them relax for the transfer.

    Pts frequently comment that my hands are very warm, even through my gloves. I often reply with "Well, you know what they say...warm hands, cold stethoscope."
    This one always gets a smile.
  13. by   Ronna
    in response to gentle's little song

    Ha ha ha, really cute, truely, I think I'll borrow it someday. Ronna
    Last edit by Ronna on Nov 23, '06 : Reason: addressed to

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