Your Favorite one liner used with patients

[scaredofshots]

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

[video=youtube_share;C1TnH1084xk]

[tainted1972, ASN, RN]

When applying thigh high ted hose on male patients I would sometimes say...

"We have matching garter belts for an extra fee"

Or " now all you need is a pretty skirt and high heels"

[lilbit12]

I was working at a LTC facility for veterans and normally you would hear the old men say oh if I was twenty again. Well anyway I walked into a Residents room to give him his meds and he looks at me and says oh honey if you were only 60 what fun we would have!! LOL I really didn't have a come back for that one!!:rotfl:

[Sergeant'sDaughter]

My mother-in-law has a good one. "I control the sharp pointy objects so you might want to be real nice to me."

[NurseVoldemort, BSN, RN]

As discharging pts I'll tell some of them "I hope I never see you again!"

I once had a 15 year old run a stop sign on his bike and got hit by a car...

I asked his older brother to be sure and teach him what those big red ogtagon signs that say "stop" on them mean before he gets his license! They thought it was hilarious!

[LizamiRN]

Hospital gowns are alot like insurance...you're NEVER covered like you think you are.

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

Told an elderly patient once to holler if he needed anything. Later he was saying: 'Nurse, nurse....nurse' I was in the next room doing something, saying 'I'll be there in a minute, won't be long' etc. Then he actually screamed at the top of his lungs; 'NUUURRRSE!!' God's sakes, I dropped what I was doing and raced in there, he only wanted a bottle!

NOW I say 'Just press the bell and pls don't holler if you need something, UNLESS it's an emergency!'

Be careful what you say - it will come back and bite you on the bum!

[mskate]

With overly paranoid or obsessive patients "You're going to drop me!" I usually answer with "Way too much paperwork and I'm just too busy for all of that! Guess you'll have to trust me!"

And then you have the ones who panic at everything, obsess over every beep, watch their monitor like a hawk and freak out over every little thing, I tell them "Its not your job to have to watch the beeps and the monitors. Thats mine. Your job is to focus on resting and getting better." or "You don't get to panic about ANYTHING unless you see ME panicking. And am I panicking, running around, or looking very nervous? NOPE! So you need to look to me for those cues because unless I'm panicking, there is nothing to panic about!"

[Poi Dog]

When Mrs. S asks me how old do I think she is I tell her, "Oh about 110 BUT you look good for your age!" Never fails to make her laugh out loud! I love it when she laughs.

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::roll

For some reason these questions elicit worry in some pts, so after I've asked about drinking, smoking, and drugs, and they say no to all, I'll ask them if they've removed any tags from mattresses or pillows recently. This always lightens them up.

I don't get it, can you explain this one?

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

This is a kind of grumpy one.. I usually only use it about once a year when a patient (Usually a 20-something punk) is constantly arguing with me about everything that he needs to have done. It's fine with me if someone refuses, but when they talk to me like I am a complete idiot that does not know what I am talking about.. I use this one. "I've been a nurse for 15 years.. how long have you been a nurse for?" They usually stop talking in their condescending manner after that.

I said this to a young patient once, saying I've been a RN for 2 years, though I've done nursing assistant work, and other work in hospitals for neary 26 years now. He just looked at me and replied: 'So?' and he DIDN'T shut up.

No respect man, I tell you.

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

Patient signing consent form: "Just sign your life away here sir. This document says we nurses are entitled to half of all your wordly goods for helping you out today!" They laugh and then aren't usually as nervous b4 going into theatre. (of course I explain everything and what the form is for as well).

Works well.

[Ayrman]

[/b]

I don't get it, can you explain this one?

Mattress tags = "Do not remove this tag under penalty of law except by the consumer." On every new mattress or pillow sold in the US.

Ayrman