Funny things you have said but wish you didn't

Nurses Humor

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A few years ago, I was on the phone with a person from the local lumber company. having in mind to ask if they had any tar paper. But instead, toilet paper slipped out.

That remark started the person on the other end's funnybone. In response to my question, he yelled to the help, "Do we have any toilet paper? The lady on the phone wants to know." Then he said, "Yes we do, but it's rather coorifice. What grade would you like?"

Sometimes I think we forget to mention the obvious to someone who hasn't worked in awhile.

After a nice, long, week and a half away from work, I returned and of course had new patients. One in paticular had a brass sense of humor. All I got in report was he was a mod assist. I had just taken him off of a bedpan, and warned him that the wipes were going to be cold.

He responded by telling me I could stick my thumb "somewhere" and he would be thrilled if he could feel it...

It took me a minute to realize he was a para. Thank goodness it was night---my face was glowing red in embarrassment.

I apologized quietly and went to the nurses station to read his chart....where I could still hear his laughter...I'm so grateful he had a sense of humor about it...I was MORTIFIED!:imbar

Specializes in urology, pediatrics, med-surg.

OMG! I've been sitting here laughing so hard my stomach hurts, with tears pouring down my face. My daughter has decided that I'm certifiably insane (possible...). Thanks, guys. Being so close to graduation and with all that's going on, this was just the cure for my stress level.

I still can't top my worst slip up, which was from before I started nursing school. I worked as a 911 calltaker and received a frantic call from a hysterical mother who's daughter had just attempted suicide. I calmly asked her "has your daughter ever committed suicide before?" :confused: At least it slowed her down a little so I could talk to her after that.

Specializes in PICU, CCU, Psych.

I was sitting in on a swallow evaluation for a developmentally delayed 2-year old. The resident performing the eval. was very nervous and was known to stumble over his words. He was using a bottle, applesauce, and some fruit puff cereal.

The patient's mother asked, "How will we know when Janie is ready to eat more fruit puffs?" The resident TRIED to say, "When she's old enough to use her fingers to get a fruit puff." Unfortunately, it came out, "When she's old enough to finger ****."

The patient's father was a very large violent-looking man. His face turned 3 shades of red and he began to twitch and shake. The resident started to stutter, "I-I-I'm so sorry!" Then, the father started convulsing with laughter. At this point I quietly excused myself and ran to the breakroom to spread the story.

I had a patient came in for postpartum check-up. I was supposed to ask her if her breast is having a lot of milk already. but instead I asked her this way, " Do you already have a lot of breasts in your milk?" I was not aware of the question. I was wondering the patient was laughing so hard. It was her who told me about it. we both laughed a loud.

I did prenatal check on my patient. Before she went out from the cubicle I reminded her to drink a lot of water so she can pee regularly to avoid UTI. I was very serious about it. I was wondering why my patient had a confusing look. I asked her what is the matter? she told me " you just told me that I should drink a lot of pee so I can water regularly." that was an embarashment but I was somehow converted it to a funny one. My patient was laughing and I was sure inside in her mind, she was thinking her nurse is crazy. I sometimes say crazy things when I get tired.

Specializes in ICU, Education, Peri-op.

When I was a new nurse I was taking care of a new total hip replacement. As you know, those patients are not allowed to cross their legs or internally rotate at the hip. Usually there is a surgical wedge between their knees to remind them. Well they must have been running short of wedges that day because they rolled up a bath blanket, put white stockinette around it and sealed the ends with knots. The patient also had thigh high TED hose on. I pulled the blankets back on this totally A&O woman in her 50's to check her pedal pulses and there was the make-shift wedge and it looked exactly like an amputated limb tucked up under her gown. I looked at her very confused and said, "oh, I didn't know you had had an amputation". The lady looked shocked for a second, looked down and started cracking up. I couldn't see her other leg because of the white TED hose in the white sheets. I was so mortified, but she thought it was hysterical and to my embarrassment, told every visitor, nurse and doctor who walked through her door all about it. :)

Specializes in Hospice, LTC.

you know you are a nurse when you read the F/U post and don't get it at first because you actually read follow up....

Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Just in case emotional scars are funny: When I was a 17, I worked as a cashier at Venture (like WalMart or Target, for you young 'uns). Wednesday was senior citizen discount day. All day the elderly had come through my line and rejoiced in their discount.

Late in the afternoon, an older lady came through, and as I rang her up, I asked "Will you be using your SC discount card today?". She said, "What?". I, all smiles, said,"Oh! Didn't you know? Since you are a senior citizen, you get a 10% discount today!". I began getting out the little form for her to fill out, to get her a SC discount card of her very own.

She had an absolute FIT. "Do I LOOK like a senior citizen? Do I? Do I?". It was patently obvious that I had thought so, but I denied it and apologized and apologized. I tried to say that I hadn't really looked at her before I had spoken, but she knew it was a lie because I had been looking her right in the eye with a big, Venture approved smile. She informed me that she was just 50, thank you very much, and I was disrespectful and so hateful, and she couldn't believe I had said that, etc.

She got loud (I was cowering and already in tears), and the manager came over and tried to smooth things out by telling the lady to meet her at customer service for a gift card. The lady eventually started crying, and walked out without her merchandise, or the gift card. :sad:

20 years later, I still think about her sometimes, and feel bad about it. Whenever I tell that story, men always laugh, and women feel horrible for the poor lady.

Well I don't feel sorry for the lady and I'm a woman. That's a lot less than I was called at church twice by the same woman. The first time I had my daughter with me and she asked me if it was my granddaughter. The second time I had my sister (granted, I'm not much of a one to primp, and she fusses with herself a long time before going anywhere) with me and the same woman asked me if she was my daughter. So don't feel bad honey. Stuff happens to us all. I just thought that woman was a bit dense; not refering to you at all.

I used to work in a Kosher LTC facility and had a new patient who spoke only spanish. I know some BASIC spanish. So during meal time she was refusing to eat and told me that she didnt like the food. The only alternatives were sandwiches. So I asked her about a multiple of different fillings, none she liked. I thought to myself, I like ham, so I asked her if she wanted ham and she happily said yes. I was so excited that I was able to communicate with her and get her something she liked, so I ran to the phone to call the kitchen. The only one to pick up the phone was the rabbi. So I happily asked him for a Ham sandwich. Initially he thought I was joking. But I insisted on a ham sandwich. I then was reminded that we are in a kosher facility and was told exactly what that means, he being quite upset. I muttered sorry and hung up mortified. I know what Kosher is but in my moment of trying to accommodate the patient I completely forgot what I was asking for.

Specializes in tele, oncology.

I was doing admit paperwork on a new patient (dx: afib w/rvr) who denied any home meds.

Our admit database has a list of maladies with checkboxes in alphabetical order. So, shortly after asking him if he had a history of anxiety/depression/suicidal thoughts, we came to the cardiac history. Yep, prior history of afib. I asked him again about home meds...denied any. I questioned this, ended up he had been d/c'd on Coumadin and Lopressor about 18 months previously but had quit taking it shortly thereafter.

Me and my big mouth: "Are you sure you're not suicidal? That's a great way to give yourself a stroke and die."

Specializes in LTC.
Ok....so this isn't one that I said, but was told to me by one of the docs (We'll call him Joe) at work yesterday.....I swear I laughed so hard I almost peed myself! It was too good not to share!

Joe was involved in the care of a trauma patient that had come into the ER. Well, apparently they were about to do a rectal exam. The resident (not the same doc as the one telling the story) that was going to do it meant to say "You're gonna feel some pressure in your rectum"..........instead it came out "You're gonna feel my member in your rectum". :imbar :rotfl: :roll

Apparently everyone heard it and they were laughing hysterically.....he was so embarassed, he just turned around and walked out of the room!

OMG!!!!!! i literally laughed out loud all by myself!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA:chuckle:p:bow::lol2::rotfl:

OMG, this is sooo funny, you made me cry..no really! Oh man, especially the term "air biscuit" coupled with "escuche!" wow. thanx for the laugh!

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