Funny things you have said but wish you didn't

Nurses Humor

Published

A few years ago, I was on the phone with a person from the local lumber company. having in mind to ask if they had any tar paper. But instead, toilet paper slipped out.

That remark started the person on the other end's funnybone. In response to my question, he yelled to the help, "Do we have any toilet paper? The lady on the phone wants to know." Then he said, "Yes we do, but it's rather coorifice. What grade would you like?"

Specializes in aged, palliative care, cardiac, agency,.
When I get in my silly mood, and the telephone rings, I sometimes answer,

"fearlessfanny's house of pleasure. How may I help you?" I usually either a click or it goes silent on the other end.:D

"sam's mortuary. You stab 'em, we slab 'em"

Specializes in aged, palliative care, cardiac, agency,.

One fellow I had cared for, I had only seen him lying flat in bed dressed in a hospital gown.

.

Reminds me of something said to me once. I used to work as a fitness instructor back in the days of leotards and not much else. I went to a wedding and the husband of one of my class members was there. He couldnt remember where he'd seen me before,then when he did finally recall, shouted out "I'm just not used to seeing you with your clothes on!"

Specializes in LTC.

Place: Meeting with BigWigs

Me: WAY too much coffee consumption

Responding to: "Michael, that's an interesting perspective!"

Me: "Well, I've got tons of perspective. I got it running out of me like...uh...stuff that run out of me..."

You know that moment you realize you should have just shut up, but you... Just. Can't. Stop. Yourself.

Okay, I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy past that moment!

Them: Coding due to insuppressible laughter.

Me: Trying to find a rock to hide under...

:banghead:

Michael

Specializes in CTICU, Interventional Cardiology, CCU.

I work interventional cardiology/ccu step down. Ok So I worked last night my first night back after 4 days off, and when I recieved report I saw that I had a pt. that I had 5 times previously and was suprised that this pt. was still on my floor.

I got report, started rounds, went into this pt's room. Pt is blind, with CHF , that was almost like anascarca from head to toe last time I had the pt. 4 days ago. Pt's is no longer edematous( I can't spell) great improvement in 4 days time.

So I said Mr.XYZ, I am Angie I am going to be your nurse tonight. He said he remembered me, and said he needed to be changed. I said no problem. I grabbed one of the CNA's to help me. So we start changing him, put a new diaper on the pt, I knew, along with the CNA he liked to have his scrotum raised b/c of the swelling, BUT when I saw his scrotum it wasn;t swollen anymore. So I said (I can barely get this out with out laughing as I am typing), "Ohh Mr.XYZ, your BALLS aren;t nearly as big as they were a few days ago, they were like a watermellon, now they look like an orange"..as this comes out of my mouth, and I just realized what I said, the CNA and the pt. in the bed next to me is laughing....

YEA..YEA..the only thing is with this pt. from having him so many times previously, every time I said scrotum he would say, "Nurse you mean my BALLS" is this southern accent. EVEN the 3 MD's on the pt's case said, " WOW Mr.XYZ your BALLS have improved", and the one MD actually turned to me and said, "Angie, you haven;t been here for a few days, but haven't his BALLS improved from the last time you had him as a pt, they look WNL", as the pt. was smiling. I just stood there deer in head lights look, as I said to myself, OK Ang, you are the RN and referred to his scrotum as balls, and the MD's all refered to his scrotum as balls, how the **** are you going to chart that..At 2100 changed pt. and noted that the pt's "balls" are no longer edematous, MD examined pt. during changing and concurred that the pt's"balls" were no longer edematous....***********

I am trying to chart this event and I am hysterical trying to find the right words, finally I just gave up and charted the whole event as it happened, and noted that the pt. did not understand the term Scrotum, b/c he didn't, and only understood the term "balls". (We are being audited by JCAHO this month, I can;t wait for them to read this progress note and the other MD's notes about the pt's balls)

As I am giving report to the Day Shift RN, I can barely get this whole debacle out of my mouth with out laughing, and trying to explain to her that the pt. dosen't understand the word scrotum, no matter how many times you tell the pt. the scrotum and your "balls" are the same thing. She was crying she was laughing so hard.

And the best part the MD's orders, which I think, I know, they wrote them just to be an *** said, "elevate pt's "BALLS" (scrotum) off the bed" Which I was doing in the first place when I had the pt. days ago.

The only good thing is the pt., who I love, has a great sense of humor, always jokes and says, "Now Angie, before you leave in the Morning, make sure my balls are elevated, b/c I don't want none of that swelling, and you were the only Nurse that elevated my boys", I knew he was serious, but he would chuckle and say, "Be gald that you arn't 80 y.o. with big balls", I said, "No, I am 27, but I am sure when I am 80 y.o. I am going to have other things that need to be elevate and taken care of", he always laughs, and says, "If I could see, the first thing I would want to see is my balls, the second thing I would want to see is your face to match your voice". I said," I am happy to know where your priorities are!"

Every morning after I give report to the Day Shift RN's, Mr.XYZ and I,have this little heart to heart. He is def. a pt. that always makes my morning! And he knows it, he gives me a hug, and we chat if I have time, mostly about his swollen balls, but it's still conversation, even if we talk about his genatalia the whole time, and he ALWAYS says, "I never thought that I would have so much to say about my boys, but when you are 80, and you can't see them, you want someone one else to tell you they are ok..." I say, "Well if I was a male nurse, and could feel your pain, I would tell you what ever men tell each other about their balls, but since I am female, all I can say is what I see"..He ALWAYS laughs ALOT, and says, "Ang, r u back tonight? Will u be my nurse? Cause no one handle's my boys like you do, and at 80 they are the only thing I have left, I am blind, bedridden, and have no family, and my manhood is the only thing keeping me alive, besides you". I always give him a hug and tell him as long as he's on my floor I will be his nurse at night when I am working.

Mr.XYZ always gives me a wink, asks if I saw it, I say yes, tells me to be safe driving home and that eventhough he never knows what time is it, as soon as he hears my voice he knows it's night time and knows he'll be taken care of.

Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
I once asked a blind patient if they wanted the light on or off. on that note can they tell if it is on or off. and she told me she wanted the lights off so I dont know
My grandmother was blind, and she could tell the difference between dark and light, but could see nothing else. What is neat (at least she did) they do dream.
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
I work interventional cardiology/ccu step down. Ok So I worked last night my first night back after 4 days off, and when I recieved report I saw that I had a pt. that I had 5 times previously and was suprised that this pt. was still on my floor.

I got report, started rounds, went into this pt's room. Pt is blind, with CHF , that was almost like anascarca from head to toe last time I had the pt. 4 days ago. Pt's is no longer edematous( I can't spell) great improvement in 4 days time.

So I said Mr.XYZ, I am Angie I am going to be your nurse tonight. He said he remembered me, and said he needed to be changed. I said no problem. I grabbed one of the CNA's to help me. So we start changing him, put a new diaper on the pt, I knew, along with the CNA he liked to have his scrotum raised b/c of the swelling, BUT when I saw his scrotum it wasn;t swollen anymore. So I said (I can barely get this out with out laughing as I am typing), "Ohh Mr.XYZ, your BALLS aren;t nearly as big as they were a few days ago, they were like a watermellon, now they look like an orange"..as this comes out of my mouth, and I just realized what I said, the CNA and the pt. in the bed next to me is laughing....

YEA..YEA..the only thing is with this pt. from having him so many times previously, every time I said scrotum he would say, "Nurse you mean my BALLS" is this southern accent. EVEN the 3 MD's on the pt's case said, " WOW Mr.XYZ your BALLS have improved", and the one MD actually turned to me and said, "Angie, you haven;t been here for a few days, but haven't his BALLS improved from the last time you had him as a pt, they look WNL", as the pt. was smiling. I just stood there deer in head lights look, as I said to myself, OK Ang, you are the RN and referred to his scrotum as balls, and the MD's all refered to his scrotum as balls, how the **** are you going to chart that..At 2100 changed pt. and noted that the pt's "balls" are no longer edematous, MD examined pt. during changing and concurred that the pt's"balls" were no longer edematous....***********

I am trying to chart this event and I am hysterical trying to find the right words, finally I just gave up and charted the whole event as it happened, and noted that the pt. did not understand the term Scrotum, b/c he didn't, and only understood the term "balls". (We are being audited by JCAHO this month, I can;t wait for them to read this progress note and the other MD's notes about the pt's balls)

As I am giving report to the Day Shift RN, I can barely get this whole debacle out of my mouth with out laughing, and trying to explain to her that the pt. dosen't understand the word scrotum, no matter how many times you tell the pt. the scrotum and your "balls" are the same thing. She was crying she was laughing so hard.

And the best part the MD's orders, which I think, I know, they wrote them just to be an *** said, "elevate pt's "BALLS" (scrotum) off the bed" Which I was doing in the first place when I had the pt. days ago.

The only good thing is the pt., who I love, has a great sense of humor, always jokes and says, "Now Angie, before you leave in the Morning, make sure my balls are elevated, b/c I don't want none of that swelling, and you were the only Nurse that elevated my boys", I knew he was serious, but he would chuckle and say, "Be gald that you arn't 80 y.o. with big balls", I said, "No, I am 27, but I am sure when I am 80 y.o. I am going to have other things that need to be elevate and taken care of", he always laughs, and says, "If I could see, the first thing I would want to see is my balls, the second thing I would want to see is your face to match your voice". I said," I am happy to know where your priorities are!"

Every morning after I give report to the Day Shift RN's, Mr.XYZ and I,have this little heart to heart. He is def. a pt. that always makes my morning! And he knows it, he gives me a hug, and we chat if I have time, mostly about his swollen balls, but it's still conversation, even if we talk about his genatalia the whole time, and he ALWAYS says, "I never thought that I would have so much to say about my boys, but when you are 80, and you can't see them, you want someone one else to tell you they are ok..." I say, "Well if I was a male nurse, and could feel your pain, I would tell you what ever men tell each other about their balls, but since I am female, all I can say is what I see"..He ALWAYS laughs ALOT, and says, "Ang, r u back tonight? Will u be my nurse? Cause no one handle's my boys like you do, and at 80 they are the only thing I have left, I am blind, bedridden, and have no family, and my manhood is the only thing keeping me alive, besides you". I always give him a hug and tell him as long as he's on my floor I will be his nurse at night when I am working.

Mr.XYZ always gives me a wink, asks if I saw it, I say yes, tells me to be safe driving home and that eventhough he never knows what time is it, as soon as he hears my voice he knows it's night time and knows he'll be taken care of.

You're a good nurse.:yeah:By the way, tell him I said hello to the boys.
Specializes in NICU.

Is it weird that that balls story is like the sweetest thing I've ever heard? Such a good nurse you are!

I did the discharge of a patient in our unit because the charge nurse told me that the patient's (Alicia) ride would be there at any minute. As Alicia was bidding goodbye to the other patients in our unit, an elderly gentleman came to pick her up. From the nurses' station, our charge nurse yells: "Alicia, c'mon, your ride is her, your father is here to pick you up." The guy suddenly uttered to her: "Do I look old enough to be Alicia's father? Hey, by the way, I'm her fiancé! :eek: :banghead: Our charge nurse turned beet red and struggled for words to say. She wanted to save face and tried to explain things, but each time she tries to explain things the fiancé says: "Don't think that by saying that you could make things better." Everyone who heard it rolled out in laughter!:D

Specializes in Paediatrics, Orthopeodics, ENT, General.
I did the discharge of a patient in our unit because the charge nurse told me that the patient's (Alicia) ride would be there at any minute. As Alicia was bidding goodbye to the other patients in our unit, an elderly gentleman came to pick her up. From the nurses' station, our charge nurse yells: "Alicia, c'mon, your ride is her, your father is here to pick you up." The guy suddenly uttered to her: "Do I look old enough to be Alicia's father? Hey, by the way, I'm her fiancé! :eek: :banghead: Our charge nurse turned beet red and struggled for words to say. She wanted to save face and tried to explain things, but each time she tries to explain things the fiancé says: "Don't think that by saying that you could make things better." Everyone who heard it rolled out in laughter!:D

Know where ya comin' from, sista! I've been caught that way SOOOO many times! The only time I WASN'T caught was because us nurses were all warned at shift change, that the 30 year-old lady helping feed and change Mr Smith (80 & dense CVA with broken hip) was NOT his daughter, but his partner! :stone I went away from that shift with a WHOLE LOT of mental images I'd rather not have!:eek: Apparently they'd been lovers for a few years before his stroke and fracture. But still........

Know where ya comin' from, sista! I've been caught that way SOOOO many times! The only time I WASN'T caught was because us nurses were all warned at shift change, that the 30 year-old lady helping feed and change Mr Smith (80 & dense CVA with broken hip) was NOT his daughter, but his partner! :stone I went away from that shift with a WHOLE LOT of mental images I'd rather not have!:eek: Apparently they'd been lovers for a few years before his stroke and fracture. But still........

That was nice that they warned you.

Specializes in Paediatrics, Orthopeodics, ENT, General.
That was nice that they warned you.

Amen!! Would have been extremely embarrassing otherwise. She was a lovely lady, too, and just loved to be able to care for her partner. We got to be quite good friends as he was a long-term patient, and she was there nearly every day. I wish some of our other patients had families half as dedicated.

Specializes in ortho/neuro/general surgery.

I was in a pt's room and had just finished assessing him and as I was leaving, I poked my head in and said something along the lines of "Oh, BTW, often times during the night I poke my head in and check on my patients, without knocking, just to make sure they're alive." Boy did I feel like *&^%! "I mean, to make sure they're alright". The pt, a rather sick GI pt with a very flat affect, just looked at me. Crud! :banghead:

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