Nursing and Children

[Davey Do]

In being member of allnurses for over a decade, I have seen, yet not entirely read, countless threads by nurses who have or wanted children and the subsequent problems with the working schedule, furthering their education, or what have you.

I did a little research and found:

Ten Common Reasons to Have Children

They Want to Create a Family

To Carry on the Family Name and Values

They Love Babies and Small Children

Human Biology

To Give and Receive Unconditional Love

To Give Their Children the Chance to Enjoy Existence

To Give Meaning to Their Life

To Create and Mold a Life

To Fix the Mistakes of Their Parents

Social Pressure and Expectations

From: https://wehavekids.com/having-baby/Most-Common-Reasons-Why-People-Want-Children

I was about 10 years old when I first realized that maybe I didn't want to have children. It was probably in the Summer of 1967 and I was reading one of my Mom's books titled, You'll Die in Singapore. 

In the book, the main character was thinking about his Army buddies who fretted over receiving or not receiving letters from their families. I remember a line that went something like, "He was glad that he had no load to weigh him down except the pack on his back".

I remember thinking something like, "Yeah- he can focus on being a soldier and not have to worry about much of anything else".

When I was about 16 years old, I read Pearl Buck's The Good Earth and remember all the hardships of Wang Lung, O-Lan, and their children. Again, I remember thinking, "Yeah- it's best not to have children".

I recently re-established, after about 20 years of no contact, communication with my high school sweetie, Racol. Among many other things, we talked about our failed relationship, her marriage, her children, and her divorce.

Racol and I dated through high school and for a some years thereafter. Once,  in 1977, I was taking a lunch break, from working as a store clerk/deliveryman for a paint company, at her parents' place.  Racol was home after her junior year in college.

I happened to mention that I was being considered for a position as the assistant store manager. Racol brightened up and exclaimed, "If you are the assistant store manager, then we can get married!"

I knew Racol wanted to have children and to make a long, long story short, let's just say that I sabotaged everything.

In 1979, I was engaged to Cynthie and took a class on Marriage & Family. I figured that I had to take a class before I got a driver's license, so I may as well take a class before I got a marriage license. But, Cynthie and my marriage was never meant to be.

During this time, however, I asked my Dad, the father of six of us, why he had children. His reply was, "I don't know. I never really thought about it. It was just the thing to do, I guess". And Dad was a pretty darn good dad.

So I was unmarried and without children when I decided to go into nursing. Like the soldier, "I had no load to weigh me down except (my nursing textbooks)."

I was working as an LPN when I had a vasectomy, performed by a urologist friend, at the age of 29 3/4, three months before I got married the first time.

I never wanted to have children.

Okay, I've given some of my thoughts and background in my decision not to have children.

What say you?

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

Being a parent is definitely for everybody.

I think people should think long and hard about having kids.

[Daisy4RN]

I have alot of respect for people who make the conscious decision to either have kids, and how many, or not to have kids. There are far too many people that have kids that for what ever reason are unable to take care of them. My sister new early on she didn't want kids and took the necessary steps to make sure she didn't.  My husband wanted more kids than I did but I told him 5 wasnt going to work for me, we discussed it and agreed on 2. I think too many people have kids for the wrong reasons or just don't think about it and in some of those cases it hurts the kids. IMO, best to think about it first!

[NightNerd, MSN, RN]

It's so important that having kids doesn't become (remain?) the default for everyone. My mom seemed to love being a parent, while my dad...truly didn't, but that's a whole other story. It's so dumb, but honestly, until some of my friends started having kids, it didn't really occur to me that people typically like their children and enjoy being around them; I'm so used to hearing about the responsibility and nuisance of it all that I was amazed to realize there's a lot more to being a parent than that!

I have gone back and forth on whether I want kids for a hot minute. I've always known that I wanted to be a foster mom, but the idea of biological kids is something I've waffled on. At this point, I think I would like to have one, maybe two if time and biology allow, but if it doesn't happen for some reason, that's okay. But I know now that I do genuinely want to be a parent in some way.

When I was with my ex, I was quite sure I didn't want kids, and was even prepared to give up my goal of being a foster parent. Only later did I realize that it was because he would have been such a wretched co-parent. He was just not a very nice, patient, or accepting person, characteristics that seem to be essential to not permanently scarring your kids. Just my opinion.

With my current partner, I feel very differently. He'll be a great dad, we'll share responsibilities equitably, and we will genuinely enjoy raising children together. Plus, he's also happy to join me in foster parenting, which is kind of an important thing to agree on! So that is what has influenced my latest feelings on the subject, which have been fairly consistent for the past few years, so I guess I can make decisions based on them now. This is an adventure for the 2022 version of NightNerd to embark on, since we're waiting until I finish my MSN to get started on adding to the family. I will probably hang out in bedside nursing for a few more years, particularly while we have young kids, then move into something more related to my degree gradually as they enter school.

[LovingLife123]

I can remember walking the hallway in the 7th grade knowing I wanted to be a mom.  We were in a class where we talked about careers, and I didn’t really have a strong desire to be anything in particular but knew I definitely wanted to be a mom.

As I wove my way throughout my life, not everything worked out as I thought it would in my young, 11 year old mind.  But now in my mid forties I’m shuffling kids around to practices and making sure all our e learning is done.  And I enjoy it.  I’m excited to see the future for my children.  
 

My husband is an incredible partner and father so we actually share all parenting duties.  It makes a huge difference having a partner who is in it with you.  My ex was not cut out for parenthood and enjoys being a part time parent.  That is difficult for the other parent and the child.  I don’t think everyone should have children.  
 

I find nursing allows me to be a parent and have a career.  I also have no interest in getting my masters or doctorate.  I enjoy bedside.  Everyone has different priorities though and it’s about what makes them happy.  I see zero issue with somebody completely focusing on their career.  The world needs people like that.  

[Davey Do]

 

13 hours ago, Daisy4RN said:

 I think too many people have kids for the wrong reasons or just don't think about it

.

 

14 hours ago, Davey Do said:

In 1979 I... took a class on Marriage & Family.

I believe it was in this class that the instructor gave the scenario that people sometimes have children so that  they will have someone to love them.

These people are soon disappointed because  the child requires love be given to them.

[Davey Do]

12 hours ago, NightNerd said:

With my current partner, I feel very differently. He'll be a great dad, we'll share responsibilities equitably, and we will genuinely enjoy raising children together. 

I sense you are a intelligent, reasonable person, NightNerd, and your decisions elicit respect. 

I want to ask: What is motivating you to  want  to have children?

Especially since I also sense that you've lived, or in the process of living, a full life?

[Davey Do]

12 hours ago, LovingLife123 said:

I can remember walking the hallway in the 7th grade knowing I wanted to be a mom.  We were in a class where we talked about careers, and I didn’t really have a strong desire to be anything in particular but knew I definitely wanted to be a mom.

As I wove my way throughout my life, not everything worked out as I thought it would in my young, 11 year old mind.  

"The average age for girls to begin puberty is 11..."

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/stages-of-puberty-what-happens-to-boys-and-girls/#:~:text=The average age for girls,take up to 4 years.

[Davey Do]

15 hours ago, Davey Do said:

In being member of allnurses for over a decade, I have seen, yet not entirely read, countless threads by nurses who have or wanted children and the subsequent problems with the working schedule, furthering their education, or what have you.

It is a  perfectly appropriate practice to create a thread in the General Discussion about the struggles of being a nurse and a parent. 

For example:

 

Yet, if a thread is started regarding the motives behind the reason why a nurse would want to become a parent, that thread is deemed inappropriate to the General Nursing Forum and cast off into the Breakroom.

Inconsistency.

https://medium.com/hello-love/inconsistency-in-relationships-is-a-form-of-emotional-abuse-4749738ab7d7

[Davey Do]

[guest1163268]

I'm too young to be thinking about kids but I do know that I really want them! Nothing cheers me up more than hearing kids laugh and giggle. I love their lunatic sense of humor and OMG, a mind to mould. I can't think of anything better.

I have great parents and I am very close to my family except my mom is too bossy and still thinks I'm a child. I own my own house and I have only contributed one thing to the decor. My television. Everything else was her idea. Not sure how I feel about it  except inadequate because to be honest, she knows best. 

That's my only doubt. She has no doubts about anything re family. She decides everything for all of us and she's always right. I don't have that instinctual ability and that worries me re kids. 

She's half Scottish and half Irish but born in England. The Scottish and English aspect is where her confidence comes from. They have very little self doubt about anything. She's also a history professor so she has that reference to draw upon. 

I mostly work Psych and I see so many people with obvious childhood reasons for their current situations. That scares me. How do you negotiate pass the scares? 

[Davey Do]

Your entire post was an interesting read, Curious!

On 2/20/2021 at 12:29 AM, Curious1997 said:

I mostly work Psych and I see so many people with obvious childhood reasons for their current situations. That scares me. How do you negotiate pass the scares? 

In order to get past fears, we must work on them in the same way one works a program of recovery:

In a cyclical program, every day, one day at a time, for fears are not always completely extinguished in one fell swoop. 

You may remember, Curious, in another thread, questioning a the concept of being lovingly indifferent. Being lovingly indifferent is not seeking retaliation or revenge, throwing no stones, and allowing the forces  that be to take their course.

I practise the concept of loving indifference toward those that I feel have wronged me. Now, that doesn't mean everything is nicely wrapped up, tied with a bow and put away and I no longer get angry and have thoughts of retaliation or revenge. Loving indifference means that I remind myself of what course I've chosen to take in getting past my fears and pain.

Oh, sometimes, there are those who I would enjoy smashing in the face and kicking them while they are down. But my enjoyment would go away with the adrenalin rush and I would be left with the fear and pain increased exponentially.

So, that is how I get past fears and pains- by working my own program every day.