Nursing Career & Relationships, Marriage

[OnePostAndDone]

Hi, I'm very new to the Forum and I've spent some time reading various threads on the subject I'm about to touch on. I've decided to post probably for my own reassurances, but also mainly to vent a little bit about a situation I am currently experiencing. I'm hoping some of the individuals here will be able to help me and let me know what I can reasonably expect in the future. I'm hoping for some of my fears and worries to be put to rest as well.

I am not studying to become a nurse; my girlfriend is. I'm studying to become a high school science teacher. I ultimately made this decision for the personal gratification that comes with teaching, but also because I wanted to have the time and the schedule to give the most to my future spouse and family. I believe teaching will allow this. I love my girlfriend with all of my heart and she intends to become a RN and work in a hospital here in New York. She's a very diligent student, and I was never really aware of the level of dedication required to do well in nursing school. That said, I've essentially been told that I will see very, very little of her for approximately the next three years (the time it will take her to finish the degree), at least. And possibly beyond. Needless to say, I'm incredibly concerned, a little hurt, and frankly a little frustrated.

That said, I would love to hear stories of members here with nursing careers who have been able to balance work and life; I would love to hear that you often see your spouses, spend good quality time together, perhaps even go out or on vacation here and there. Please let me know that it's possible to have a normal relationship, or married life with another individual and a career in nursing. I am sure that the two aren't mutually exclusive, but it currently feels that way a little bit now. Three years (or more) of a "Dear John" situation is a little tough to swallow right now even despite the fact that I love this woman quite a lot.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I really do appreciate any and all input from everyone who may choose to write a response. If you happen to include some unhappy information, that's okay too, I really do need to hear about all the possibilities I could resonably expect here.

And since I can't help but throw in a few emoticons:

I :redbeathe a

[mrsinquisitive]

Please tell me what kind of "attitude" a nurse is supposed to have?

Nurses are individuals with their own ideas and opinions based on their own life experiences.

Personally wouldn't want someone with such a narrow minded attitude caring for me or my loved ones. Heck, I wouldn't want to work with a nurse with such an attitude.

Just saying..... He obviously came to this site strictly out of concern for his relationship (with good reason) & to recieve some ideas on what to do & what not to do- there is no reason to down him for that. Usually the "attitude" of most nurses are are along the lines of caring/empathetic. I did not see any of that in the post I was replying to. Yes, everyone has thier own opinions and have had thier own experiences..... but no reason to be nasty to him for asking for help...... I think by him posting to begin with, shows that he wants to make his relationship work & just needs some ideas on what he can do to help her. "I" feel it would just be nicer to reply if you have been through it- and tell him what did/did not work in your situation.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

How does one graduate first?

I graduated with the highest GPA, hence first in my class.

[sandyfeet]

Along the lines of you both going into science fields...my boyfriend does Water Quality Management and looooves math. Last night he showed me an easier way to do med calculations that helps me to avoid mistakes! There may be some concepts you can help her to understand too.

I think your girlfriend feels like the rest of us at the beginning of nursing school: a little unsure of what we got ourselves into and trying our best to figure out time management. The first step is always "I have NO time!!!". But eventually she will figure out how to balance life and school. It won't be the same as before, but in my opinion it will be even better because the time you spend together will be more valuable. I appreciate my boyfriend so much more these last few weeks and our time together is really special to me, even if it is just eating dinner and cracking jokes.

[wanna b]

I just started my 1st nursing class along with chem. It is overwhelming! I have 3 kids, don't work (thanx hubby) and have wanted to be a nurse for such a long time but some obstacles got in the way. I'm so thankful to have made it in but 'Man, AM I NERVOUS" Im so scared of failing out. Im trying to think positive (failing is not an option) but cant help it. If you manage your time wisely and make time for some enjoyment for your own sanity, I think everything is possible. Hang in there I'm right there with u.

[Moogie]

Cut him some slack please.

He is concerned enough that he sought out a forum to ask this question of ACTUAL nurses. That is some committment. If nothing else, give him that at least. It's no big wonder the divorce rate is up.

Always quick to seek an out.

I agree with Katie5. I commend the OP for caring enough about his relationship to ask questions and to be proactive in trying to figure out what challenges the two of them might face when one of them is in a very demanding educational program. Most health care programs are competitive and challenging and many nursing students (as well as physical therapy students, med students, etc.) end up putting relationships on the back burner so they can devote more time to studying. I have seen relationships break up over the stress of nursing school or medical school but I have also seen relationships that not only survive the stress but thrive.

I think a lot depends on the commitment level of the people involved and the willingness of the non-nurse (or non-health care student) to be flexible. If the love of your life has to study for a test the next day, be understanding---don't get upset if he/she can't go out with you that evening. Can you be okay with getting to bed early because he/she has to be up at 5 in the morning for clinicals? Remember that this person is not choosing nursing over you---don't take his/her need to study as a personal affront or a threat to your relationship, even if that amount of studying is much greater than what you're doing in your respective educational program. Also---please be sensitive to the other person's needs----the night before the big cardiovascular exam that he/she needs to pass in order to get through the course is not the best time to decide you need to have an important talk about your relationship (or propose or break up.) That happened to one of my classmates when I was in my associate's degree program---the night before the big test, her boyfriend left her and she ended up having to repeat the entire term. Brutal.

When I was in my associate's degree (entry level) program, I was in a long-distance relationship. Those were the days before email, texting, and Skype, and I used to write him a letter every day before I got into the nursing program. After I started nursing, I was lucky to find time to manage one letter a week. The relationship did not last but not because of the stress of nursing---we weren't right for each other on many levels and grew in very different directions those two years. I was in a relationship with a nurse when I went back for my bachelor's degree and he was very understanding of the academic challenges of my program because he had graduated from the same school a couple of years earlier. Fast forward many years and I was back in graduate school as a single parent---I found that too difficult to balance and ended up quitting the program, in part because I felt I could not balance my responsibilities as a single mom of teenagers with the demands of school and a job. Now I am remarried to a man who is supportive of my educational goals (and I have an empty nest) so I'm back in grad school to finish what I started. I will be honest and admit that there are some difficulties because my husband, who is not in health care, does not always understand the intensity of the program in which I am enrolled. He is proud of my achievements but sometimes has a hard time believing that I have to study as much as I do. Still, he is flexible. He doesn't get upset if the house isn't clean (and he does his share of the work when I am busy) and he is great about cooking dinner or getting carryout. I think he gets a bit annoyed when I have to stay up later than he to work on papers or group discussions. (He just asked if I wanted to watch History Detectives on TV. No---I have to download course materials and start reading.)

At any rate, I wish the OP the very best and hope we see him (and that nursing student!) around here again!

[OnePostAndDone]

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone and all of their responses and your well wishes. I will likely be quoting some of you, but just a general thank you to all who posted and I really genuinely do appreciate that you would take the time to fill me in on how you've balanced nursing school, your careers, and your lives. Thank you.

I would also like to point out that there were a couple posts directed toward me in a negative like and, I honestly completely understand where these sentiments are coming from. Upon posting, I realized that some of what I said may have been easily viewed as being insensitive or inflammatory. Obviously, it wasn't my intention to come across that way, but I apologize to anyone I may have offended with my original post. I absolutely do not wish to become a controlling, or possessive boyfriend. This was one reason I posted here: to gain insight into ways that I could be as supportive as possible for my girlfriend when I know I will be hardly seeing her. I have never asked her to choose another career, and I never would. She wants this more than anything, and I'd never stand in the way of another person, and especially one that I love, of a career goal. However, I would like to suggest that if I didn't miss my girlfriend; if there wasn't some level of concern for not being able to see her for long stretches - couldn't you conversely argue that maybe the relationship wasn't meant to last for very long?

I appreciate the comments regarding ways to help her through this. I have and hope to continue to provide her with food, studying aides, and as much help as she's willing to take. She absolutely hates asking for help though so sometimes it's a little tough to be supportive. She and I are both very young still, and so we don't live together. As such, seeing her is truly limited, and we tend not to meet save for if our work schedules overlap. That's why I really enjoy seeing comments about how the time together becomes more valuable and that it's what we make of it. Very true words.

Maybe my favorite comment:

I was so wound up from school that I wasn't very good company.

. I know I'm going to catch some flak for saying it and I'd never say it to my girlfriend, but sometimes the few moments we get together are like this. I thank you for being so honest and forthcoming with that as I thought I was losing my mind.

Thanks again for all the comments from everyone. I want to say congratulations to everyone who has finished their nursing degrees and have had successful careers and good luck to anyone who commented who may still be working towards one.

I also want to congratulate everyone who has managed to have relationships last through nursing school and perhaps despite schedules that conflict. Two things I get from that a.) you are very special men and women and your loved ones knew that and b.) your loved ones are pretty good people too, you know?

I'm sorry to anyone whose relationships may not have last through nursing school or afterwards. I've read some comments about people growing apart, possessive husbands, and the sort. Best way I could look at is, it wasn't meant to be and you're better off now. I am confident that you are all still very happy and hope the best for you.

I believe (and of course hope) my girlfriend and I are meant to be. If you hear from me again, I'm hoping that it's to inform all of you that we made it through.

One last time: thanks.

[MassED, BSN, RN]

I graduated with the highest GPA, hence first in my class.

just being devil's advocate, what if other students also got a 4.0? Who was first?

[MassED, BSN, RN]

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone and all of their responses and your well wishes. I will likely be quoting some of you, but just a general thank you to all who posted and I really genuinely do appreciate that you would take the time to fill me in on how you've balanced nursing school, your careers, and your lives. Thank you.

I would also like to point out that there were a couple posts directed toward me in a negative like and, I honestly completely understand where these sentiments are coming from. Upon posting, I realized that some of what I said may have been easily viewed as being insensitive or inflammatory. Obviously, it wasn't my intention to come across that way, but I apologize to anyone I may have offended with my original post. I absolutely do not wish to become a controlling, or possessive boyfriend. This was one reason I posted here: to gain insight into ways that I could be as supportive as possible for my girlfriend when I know I will be hardly seeing her. I have never asked her to choose another career, and I never would. She wants this more than anything, and I'd never stand in the way of another person, and especially one that I love, of a career goal. However, I would like to suggest that if I didn't miss my girlfriend; if there wasn't some level of concern for not being able to see her for long stretches - couldn't you conversely argue that maybe the relationship wasn't meant to last for very long?

I appreciate the comments regarding ways to help her through this. I have and hope to continue to provide her with food, studying aides, and as much help as she's willing to take. She absolutely hates asking for help though so sometimes it's a little tough to be supportive. She and I are both very young still, and so we don't live together. As such, seeing her is truly limited, and we tend not to meet save for if our work schedules overlap. That's why I really enjoy seeing comments about how the time together becomes more valuable and that it's what we make of it. Very true words.

Maybe my favorite comment: . I know I'm going to catch some flak for saying it and I'd never say it to my girlfriend, but sometimes the few moments we get together are like this. I thank you for being so honest and forthcoming with that as I thought I was losing my mind.

Thanks again for all the comments from everyone. I want to say congratulations to everyone who has finished their nursing degrees and have had successful careers and good luck to anyone who commented who may still be working towards one.

I also want to congratulate everyone who has managed to have relationships last through nursing school and perhaps despite schedules that conflict. Two things I get from that a.) you are very special men and women and your loved ones knew that and b.) your loved ones are pretty good people too, you know?

I'm sorry to anyone whose relationships may not have last through nursing school or afterwards. I've read some comments about people growing apart, possessive husbands, and the sort. Best way I could look at is, it wasn't meant to be and you're better off now. I am confident that you are all still very happy and hope the best for you.

I believe (and of course hope) my girlfriend and I are meant to be. If you hear from me again, I'm hoping that it's to inform all of you that we made it through.

One last time: thanks.

you sound sincere and very sweet. I don't know how old you are, but you are a wise person. Good luck and I'm sure your g/f must be of a like mind, so you'll both be successful in your personal and professional endeavors. You had such an eloquent response to those negative nancy's. Yay!!

[RJMerchant]

It is just the time, but believe me you will have good time to spend together with your future spouse. She will have days off, annual vacations to be together and enjoy. I am married for 20 years and in nursing for last 25 years and despite of very demanding professional life as a nurse, I am enjoying a very happy life with my husband and kids. But i am still loving it. At present, I am away from my family on two 2 years contract but we chat online daily. Just need to be little more patient. :)

[LuvCinci]

I haven't read all the responses yet, and apologize if I am reiterating someone's point, but here goes:

I went to graduate school while my (now ex) boyfriend was finishing up undergrad. I'll start by saying that he and I weren't ultimately right for each other, and I believe there are two big reasons that lead to the end of our relationship. First, he was threatened by my dedication to my career and was jealous of it. Second, he was right. I put my career before him, which I only realized in hindsight. However, I don't regret it. Now I am in a great relationship with someone who I value incredibly, and we support each other unconditionally and take a team approach. My guy and I are both pursuing the careers we want (quite a bit of work ahead of both of us!), but we make sure to stay happy, grounded, and maintain our relationship. Some days you can't be there for each other, but in general, keep the balance and make sure you recognize each others' worth equally.

My situation is NOT necessarily like yours. But, I did recognize some semblance of myself and my former attitude when you said she told you that you basically wouldn't see much of her while she was in school. This is a warning flag to me, because I have been in her shoes. I'm not saying that she doesn't want to be with you, but she may need you to be truly supportive, excited for her, and not resentful of her choice. Likewise, she needs to recognize that you must "Be a team." If she can't be your teammate, make sure you are keeping your spine and staying confident in yourself. You seem like such a loving, caring person, and I really want things to turn out well for you, so I hope it all works out the way that is best for both of you!

[kbrn2002, ADN, RN]

First let me say kudos to you for loving your gal and wanting to spend time with her. You must really love her to spend time finding a nursing forum to ask advice. Second...don't get discouraged if she can't spend the time with you that you would like while she is in school. If you are willing to accept limited time together while you are both in school, you will reap the rewards of having careers that you both love when you are done. School is a whole world apart from the work world. I will admit that when I was a student three of my peers experienced break-ups or divorces partly because of the stress caused by school commitments, but in my opinion those relationships probably would not have lasted anyway. If you are unwilling or unable to accept that there are times when your wants will not and cannot come first your will not have a successful relationship, however if you are willing and able to make sacrifices for each other and support each other there is no reason to think you won't have a rewarding relationship. I can't imagine that your teaching program is easy, so you will have the added stress of your educational aspirations to add to hers! Advice is cheap, so for what it's worth here goes... know that school is only a short period of time in your life and you will get through it! Balancing work and family really isn't so hard. I survived school while married and having children, as have so many others, and my marriage is stronger for it. Having a career that I love and a salary that allows some financial breathing room at the end of the school tunnel helps. By the way, I am ten years out of school and still love my job [usually] and my husband [usually]. I am glad you found AllNurses, and if your girlfriend hasn't discovered this forum yet encourage her to join! There is a lot of support here from peers, and much to learn from from those of us who have been there, done that. This is also a great place to vent our anger and frustrations with our jobs [or school]. That can save you from getting an earful of rants that you don't understand and can't possibly empathize with, and give her a community of fellow nurses and students that know only to well what she is ranting about. On another subject, thank you for going into education. Teachers are the second lowest paid professionals for the time, effort and passion that they put into their careers [sorry but I have to loyal to my career and rank nurses number one]!! Good luck to both of you in school!

[TRR8021]

just being devil's advocate, what if other students also got a 4.0? Who was first?

That's still first. You achieved the maximum grade point average in the class. That situation happened in a high school class in my area. Two students had 4.0's so there were two valedictorians!