Nurses and your significant others

[sourapril]

You know how they say nurses (actually healthcare workers in general) are among the highest risk of being depressed. The people I care for are sick, depressed, angry, and I get a lot of negative emotion at work. When I came home, my boyfriend asked me how my day went, I would tell him about how tired and depressed I feel. Then he told me not to bring any negative emotion home. He is a really sensitive guy and get affected by my emotion easily. But what can I do? I can put up a smiley face at work, but when I get home I want to just take off that mask and be myself. We've been dating for almost two years. He also has an older sister who is a nurse. He used to live with her before we started dating, and he didn't like it. I am wondering if he is going to think I am a bad person for not making home a nice happy place. I can't be wearing my happy face all the time. What can I do?

[nursynurseRN]

I have that same problem... My Husband gets mad when I come home grumpy from work and I take it out on him. What i try to do it go straight to the shower and meditate, relax and try to think good things before I try and talk to him. Its really tough. If that doesn't work you should try going into a more happier field like OB, it not all fun and games but most of the time its a more happy place. At least that is what I want to do but haven't gotten that oppurtunity. good luck!

[sourapril]

I wasn't even yelling at him. I just asked him if I could sleep alone tonight because I think a good night sleep would at least put me in a better mood. He took everything I say so personally. I just wish he would understand and just listen. I don't expect him to do anything or give me therapy, but just listen. Is that too much to ask?

[kesr]

I just asked him if I could sleep alone

YIKES - talk about total rejection from a partner's perspective!

As far as mood, it is tough. As a generalized difference in gender perspective, men want to fix the things you complain about. Obviously they can't; and when the offer suggestions we (women) bristle; because we just want to talk it out, and out again, and again, and again.

You need to find an outlet besides telling him every day's problems. Some of it will come with experience, you'll learn what is worth allowing under your skin, and what needs to roll off your back. I always liked it when I made it home from work first and had the house to myself for a little decomperssion time. As suggested, sometimes just being alone in the shower or taking a walk helps.

One more thing to consider - maybe he isn't mature enough to be a good life partner.. just sayin"... life ain't always a bed of roses.

[sourapril]

YIKES - talk about total rejection from a partner's perspective!

One more thing to consider - maybe he isn't mature enough to be a good life partner.. just sayin"... life ain't always a bed of roses.

That's probably true also. I am four years older than him. He works from home, so it's very very very rare that I come home and find myself alone in the house. We have been going through a lot of things and I love him very much. I want to give him all the love and care I can but I also want him to understand the nature of my job doesn't leave me much patient and happy face after a long day.

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

I challenge the assertion re: prevalence of depression among nurses. What studies is the OP referring to?

Learning to compartmentalize is an essential survival skill for any health care provider. If a person cannot 'leave work at work', he/she will not be able to have any meaningful work-life balance. If nothing else, when you're driving home from work take the time to reflect on your own life and remember how fortunate you are not to be experiencing the illness, sadness, tragedy, etc. that our patients are having to cope with.

Treasure your relationships with family and SO's - invest at least as much time in them as you do at work. Jobs come and go, family is forever.

[kesr]

He works from home

There's another reason he may be as sympathetic as you want - he isn't dealing with coworkers and such every day. I'm not saying working at home is without stress, just different!

Another thought - how interested are you inhis work day stories?

[fiveofpeep]

try to find someone else to vent to and I also agree with the rule of rehashing in the car and stopping by the time you are in the driveway. my bf is a nurse so he doesnt like hearing stuff either. now I dont rehash with anyone and I actually feel better that way because once Im done with work, Im leaving it all there.

[Flying ICU RN]

You know how they say nurses (actually healthcare workers in general) are among the highest risk of being depressed.

What does your dog look like?

Unscientific theory here, but what your dog looks like, says a lot about the owners underlying personality.

Boundless curiosity and energy,.....

Emotionally spent, forever tired.

Overcompensation

[nurse2033, MSN, RN]

Don't use your significant other as an emotional tampon, been there... It is fine to share and seek his support, but if that's all you do most men can't handle that. Make an effort to come home with a smile at least sometimes. Find a combo of other support and ways to feel better. Working out, yoga, hiking, knitting club, whatever. Best of luck!

[happy2learn]

Then he told me not to bring any negative emotion home. He is a really sensitive guy and get affected by my emotion easily. But what can I do? I can put up a smiley face at work, but when I get home I want to just take off that mask and be myself.

I don't enjoy when my husband brings negative emotions home. Not that he can't vent, I don't mind that. But if you are a constant Negative Nancy, then you need to find a different job.

The comment in bold makes me think. Are you stating that by being yourself, you mean a grouchy or depressed person? It seems you put on a fake happy face at work, and you just want to come home and be depressed?

When my husband gets home, he vents for maybe 20 minutes, that's it though. We move on. When I have a bad day, I'd say I spend about 20 minutes venting too. That's it though. There is no carry over from work.

If you are at the point that your job is changing who you are, in a negative way, you are burning out and need a change.

You can't expect your husband to understand your job and what you go through. He will NEVER understand. Just like you will NEVER understand what he goes through. What you expect from your husband is a shoulder to lean on.

You really do need to find some time for yourself. As others stated, maybe going for a walk, or hitting the gym, or taking a long shower when you get home. Maybe go sit at Starbucks for an hour before you go home.

You really do need to think about how YOU would feel if you were in his shoes. Think about how you'd feel if he constantly complained and never seemed happy at home. Think about how you'd feel if he asked to sleep alone.

Just some thoughts. Hope everything works out for you and I hope you can make a choice to be happy.

[voraciousj]

My husband is not a good sounding board for when I've had a bad day/week/month at work. He just doesn't get what we go through on a daily basis. He feels that because he works as an oil technician in people's homes that he understands what it's like to deal with the public.

I've tried telling him that healthy people in their own home and sick people in a strange environment are two totally different beasts to contend with.

I've since stopped telling him a lot of things and instead vent to my RN friends, who vent to me instead of their SO's...

Come here and vent away, and to heck with any of the naysayers, non-RNs, RN students who will tell you to slap a smile on and be nice!