Nurses and your significant others

4323 · Oct 7, 2010

This will continue to happen as long as there are nurses like you and I. Nurses that can't leave work related issues at work(just like some can't leave home related issues at home) we take things home with us. It does not get any better I did the venting for 15 years and my husband finally said quit. This was hurting me phisically and mentally. It was affecting him as well because he wanted to help so much but couldn't. I till this day believe that nursing is not for everyone. It takes some of us a little longer to figure this out. I was friends with nurses that put everything that happen to them aside and were able to continue to do nursing as though nothing had happened. Some nurses can deal with whatever comes their way and have learned to accept whatever they see wrong to be right. Frankly some have no choice they are the bread winners for their family and have chosen this field for better or worse. I have quit and I'm doing something else other than nursing. My health depended on it and no not every field is as stressfull as nursing. Some nurses are in a fight in my state to be able to retire if possible at 50. The so call shortage may make this a bit difficult. The sick want to get better and the residents need special care there is just time to do the work you have been trained to do and to do it in the best way possible. To administration it is a bussiness and it most be run well. If this can't be accomplish no one wants to hear that. The administration will tell you this is why there are so many fields out there choose the one you are able to be comfortable with. They are right. We cannot help others until we help ourselves(seek the help of any assistance you can get from the facility to help with your problem perhaps write letters to those that you feel are responsible use up facility resourses that help with employees concerns. This may help but then again may not. When we are at work we hear many nurses say I work my hours and don't take this home with me. The problem is that most of us do. Those that don't God bless them they dont know how lucky they are and how lucky their patients and residents are.They are in a field that was created for them. Nursing is hard those that stand the test survive and retire in the field. No one loves a quitter yet at times quitting is not an option but a need. My husband was and is a good listerner and has been for over 30 years and I learned to listen when he said QUIT. Allnurses.com gives us nurses a chance to answer to one another. Although we may not always agree one thing is for sure most of us can relate to each others problems one way or the other.

SalishRN · Oct 7, 2010

I love the dogs!

mykrosphere · Oct 8, 2010

i do not have a significant other, and havent for quite some time, but this issue has muddied up relationships in the past.

it takes time to learn how to deal with this stuff, and lets face it, most people dont want to hear about the messed up stuff we have to deal with as nurses because it IS depressing!

the one thing i have found that helps, is finding someone who does the same thing as you (nursing) and getting it out that way.

and sometimes, to get away from yourself and work, you may have to extend the listening/ patience when you get home, and instead of venting, let him talk about what hes doing. sometimes listening to someone else talk about things other than what youre dealing with helps to clear the mind and get away from yourself and work for a minute.

on the other hand, being in a relationship should include listening to you also, and if he is so sensitive that he doesnt want to hear it because of how it affects him, then maybe he needs to work on that.

its a 2 way street.

Turtle in scrubs · Oct 8, 2010

Well, the good news is you are in a relationship with someone who knows what he wants in a relationship and is willing to be straightforward with you about it. Much better than being with someone who won't say anything and then resents you for what you do.

The question for you now is what do you need and want? Do you want someone who will go through the gory details of the day with you? If so does it need to be your boyfriend?

When I want to run through cases for educational reasons (or just plain interest) I generally talk with my nursing buddies who understand the issues better and often have the same interest level as I do.

As for the day to day negative/emotional stuff that comes with the job, I don't want to relive it... once was enough. People who love me will be there for me if/when I need them from time to time, but no one wants to hear the heavy stuff every day. Out of respect for them and for the sake of my own mental health I try not to bring it home. Oh... and of course there is always allnurses.com :)

But everyone has different needs and wants and I hope that you are able to find that. Good Luck.

HyperSaurus, RN, BSN · Oct 8, 2010

Heh, I sleep alone every so often--not due to fights. I just sleep better on a couch, so I'm I'm wound up, that's where I go. It sounds to me like you feel like you have to continue being strong, stoic, unemotional, whatever even when you get home. If that is true, it's going to up the stress level until you crack. Is there anyone (besides your boyfriend) that you can call on your way home from particularly troubling shifts? My dad often calls me on his way home and vents--he's a critical care nurse and I'm a nursing student. While I don't fully understand, I have an idea.

valski · Oct 8, 2010

I've learned from the very beginning from experienced nursese that you need to harness whatever energy it is and create a personal boundary. Because there are times when you just need to leave everything at the doors at work. Leave work and leave everything there. It's really not healthy to take the bad things home to work. Your family needs to know that you're happy there with them. If all you do is talk about work they question that aspect and they too become depressed. It's hard (I know) but it's possible. Try coming up with something like a ritual, undress in the garage into a change of clothes and leave your scrubs as a symbol of the bad things from work at the door. Good luck!

JamieLeeRN · Oct 8, 2010

It is always hard to go home and have to be around someone after a long day if you have to worry about upsetting them. Have you told him how you feel about needing to be yourself at home? If you haven't you really need to. It isn't fair of him to expect you to hide your feelings, tell him it's nothing personal to him and you will most likely be fine once you get a chance to wind down.

sourapril · Oct 8, 2010

Thank you everyone. My bf and I are both very open-minded people and we also see a counselor from time to time (not that our relationship is in jeopardy or anything, it's all about prevention). We talked about it last night and he told me that he doesn't mind listening to my story, he just wished I said it in a different way. (lol. I basically just told him he would be sleeping on the couch so I can sleep by myself) Sometimes it's hard to watch what I say when I am tired and had a long day.

rita359 · Oct 8, 2010

You know how they say nurses (actually healthcare workers in general) are among the highest risk of being depressed. The people I care for are sick, depressed, angry, and I get a lot of negative emotion at work. When I came home, my boyfriend asked me how my day went, I would tell him about how tired and depressed I feel. Then he told me not to bring any negative emotion home. He is a really sensitive guy and get affected by my emotion easily. But what can I do? I can put up a smiley face at work, but when I get home I want to just take off that mask and be myself. We've been dating for almost two years. He also has an older sister who is a nurse. He used to live with her before we started dating, and he didn't like it. I am wondering if he is going to think I am a bad person for not making home a nice happy place. I can't be wearing my happy face all the time. What can I do?

You need to learn to let work at work. Granted, sometime you think about an especially stressful shift after that shift but basically it needs to stay at work. Been a nurse a long time and married most of that time. Have NEVER slept alone because of work or anything else for that matter. That also goes for leaving home at home. Whatever problems you have in one part of your life should have as little impact on the other as possible including phone calls and texting.

Flying ICU RN · Oct 8, 2010

You need to learn to let work at work.

My favorite hospital viewing device.

kesr · Oct 8, 2010

Why do we think it is ok to take out frustrations and show our worst selves to the people we love?

royhanosn · Oct 9, 2010

why should YOU put on a happy face at home! If your having that much problems at work..you need another job! your bending backwards for your SENSITIVE boy friend..why!

2 years..time to get married!