Feel like giving up

[Anon22]

I am so depressed and just feel like handing over my liscense and saying screw it.

In 2013 I became a nurse, I had a problem with alcohol before that but it got worse after my first job as an RN. I was a functional alcoholic but finally realized I had a problem. I was scared to death that if I sought out help I would lose my liscense so I quit my job and tried to quit drinking cold turkey. I didn't expect the DT's to be so bad. A well meaning friend gave me Ativan to help and I stupidly took it and wound up in the ER were I was reported. I voluntarily joined the monitoring program in my state. I am very committed to my sobriety but I feel like I can't catch a break. Due to the financial burden of the drug tests and counseling I was homeless so I missed a couple of call ins and one drug test. I had a positive screen due to a friend giving me a Tylenol bottle with Firocet in it and not telling me. I lost my stay of discipline and now the whole world can read every sordid detail. Even after all that I kept plugging on. I have not been able to find work as a nurse. Today though I feel like giving up. I had to drug test, second time this week, and had to borrow money from my MIL to do it. I went to the same after hours place I alway do and was told they wouldn't accept. They said a credit card number I have them was rejected from a previous visit and I needed all the money up front. They didn't call me earlier in the day to tell me this or I could have either tried to get the money or go to a different site. So I couldn't drug test. Now it's 12:30am and I'm typing this crying my eyes out wondering if I'm going to be told that I'm losing my liscense for noncompliance and if I'm not if all this stress is really worth it. I feel like the only times I've even thought of relapsing has been due to the pressures of this program. I won't relapse, I have to many other things in my life that are helping to keep me sober, but really is it even worth it anymore.

[Oogie]

You are a beautiful and valuable person to our world. Living a life without the need to hide behind drugs or alcohol are within your grasp. Whether you keep your license or not you still have a right to live a good healthy life. One of the hardest challenges I had to face was to truly leave my past behind me (can't change that), stop worrying about the future (it's not here yet), Focus on what I (you) can do today, right now that will make a positive impact on my(your) world. Eat a healthy meal, exercise a little, meditate, do something kind for another being (good karma). Maybe find a non-nursing job that can tide you over. "DON'T QUIT ON YOURSELF" you worked hard for your RN, fight for it! I'm not perfect, with 3 DWI, 2 PI, in the last 5 years I know trouble, and I've tried to hide behind a bottle. It don't work. I did just get my license renewed, I am still working, I like myself @ 8mth sober (this time). You can do this, because you are worth fighting for! ...Peace...

[poppycat, ADN, BSN]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Whatever is going to happen with your license is going to happen. What you need to focus on is your recovery. If you don't have that, nothing else will be any good. You probably need to forgive yourself, too. We (addicts/alcoholics) tend to beat ourselves up about all the things we've done wrong. All that does is keep us stuck. As oogie said, you can't change the past & you can't control the future. Just try taking each day or each hour or each minute as they come.

Trying to to find a non-nursing job is a good suggestion, too. At least that would give you some income while you're in limbo about your license.

Keep coming back here for support, too. A lot of us have been right where you are & understand what you're going through.

[paidmydues]

OK honey, I agree with the posters above. This is crunch time for you. One day truly at a time. I became homeless too. Horrible. I barely hung on. Read my previous posts for my story. Get rIght with your probation monitor. Find $$ for your drug testing and call/check in every day. Find a couple of alternate testing sites. When I lost my car I had the bus routes and times memorized too. I make this my daily job...my state board compliance tasks are now automatic for me and not so painful. I agree a little job somewhere doing anything might be a first step back. Crying is good. I would sob and then use my food stamps for a treat and go to the church parking lot where I was sleeping in the bushes and eat my treat in the sun with other homeless people. Then I hung out in the library applying for nursing jobs all day every day. Then would catch a meeting. Finally, finally....I found a job at a crummy snf, then a better one, then got a real job. I am 5 months from a free&clear license in my state. I just paid off my 1 1/2 y.o. tiny Chevy Spark. I am debt free. I just dropped down to part-time at work. I am looking at a move to Hawaii later on in the year. Miracle. Move forward. Don't quit. One foot in front of the other. Take little pleasures where you find them. The humiliation of all my information being on line for anyone to see is gone. I am a surviver and thriver. I can walk through anything. AND SO CAN YOU MY DEAR ONE. AND...just sayn': looks like u might have a little weakness for borrowing meds from fam/friends......stop now. Love you and ((((hugs))))...paid

[1sttime]

This will be in the past- you will get your groove back- its a very tough thing to go through, but keep trying- you will come out the other side and feel like you are living again.

When I had my slip up (relapse in the eyes of the recovery community) I saw a counselor who thought work was an important part of recovery. I would definitely recommend doing something- maybe even temp jobs- to fill the time and give you some $. I say this because I was astounded at the lack of response to my resume, I guess 12 years of nursing and a BSN don't add up to much in the outside world.

One step at a time, you can cross this bridge too, (and easier said than done) try not to forecast too much as to what might happen. There is really only right now, today. I know a nurse who was in a similar situation, everything is public (which is a terrible thing to do concerning a health condition), but she is on her feet now.

[CrunchRN, ADN, RN]

Any job that will keep you busy and bring in money will work.

Don't limit yourself to nursing. You can do this.

[SpEdtacular, MSN, RN, EMT-P]

Why did the ED report you? Unless you were working and an immediate danger to yourself or others that sounds like a HIPAA violation. I say this because I read an article not too long ago that addressed this situation. Medscape: Medscape Access (you may need a medscape account to read it). Situations like this make me so angry because it stops people from getting the help they need.

Either way, I'm sorry you are going through this and wish you the best of luck. Sometimes it seems like the system is setup to make people with mental health and addiction problems fail and/or self-destruct. My husband is in recovery and it was a long difficult road for both of us. Try and stay strong.

[SpEdtacular, MSN, RN, EMT-P]

This is from the article I mentioned:

The question was...

"I had a patient in the hospital who was a nurse in an outpatient surgery center. We found that she has been abusing drugs for years, and she admitted that she was getting the drugs from work. The physicians taking care of her spoke with our risk management department about reporting her and were told that it would be a Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) violation, so nothing was done. What is our responsibility as nurses in this situation? Our nurse manager, citing the physicians' notes on risk management's position, has told us that we do not need to, and should not, report this nurse."

This is the response...

"You have no responsibility to report the nurse, either to the police, the Drug Enforcement Administration, or the Board of Nursing. In fact, you should not report the nurse because that would be a HIPAA violation. HIPAA protects patient privacy by forbidding healthcare providers from disclosing patient information for any reason otherthan treatment, payment, or healthcare operations. A report to the Board of Nursing would not fall into any of those categories. Healthcare operations refers to administrative, financial, legal, and quality improvement activities that are necessary for a hospital or practice to run its business and support the core functions of treatment and payment. An example would be quality and improvement activities and case management"

If this breech occurred in the last six months you can file a complaint with the Office of Civil Rights

[SororAKS, ADN, RN]

SpEdtacular, good eye and thank you for sharing. Perhaps our OP can use this bit of information.

[Anon22]

It's been over two years now, but thank you for the information. I wish I would have known then.

[Anon22]

Thank you to everyone for the support. I do have a non nursing job that I actually enjoy.

After talking to my caseworker she is going to try to have the missed uds excused since I did everything right so I guess we will see. I did get blessed with a caseworker that actually cares about the people she is monitoring.

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

This is from the article I mentioned:

The question was...

"I had a patient in the hospital who was a nurse in an outpatient surgery center. We found that she has been abusing drugs for years, and she admitted that she was getting the drugs from work. The physicians taking care of her spoke with our risk management department about reporting her and were told that it would be a Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) violation, so nothing was done. What is our responsibility as nurses in this situation? Our nurse manager, citing the physicians' notes on risk management's position, has told us that we do not need to, and should not, report this nurse."

This is the response...

"You have no responsibility to report the nurse, either to the police, the Drug Enforcement Administration, or the Board of Nursing. In fact, you should not report the nurse because that would be a HIPAA violation. HIPAA protects patient privacy by forbidding healthcare providers from disclosing patient information for any reason otherthan treatment, payment, or healthcare operations. A report to the Board of Nursing would not fall into any of those categories. Healthcare operations refers to administrative, financial, legal, and quality improvement activities that are necessary for a hospital or practice to run its business and support the core functions of treatment and payment. An example would be quality and improvement activities and case management"

If this breech occurred in the last six months you can file a complaint with the Office of Civil Rights

Even if this is true it wouldn't solve a nurse's problem with the Board or her employer if still working and the hospital turned her in anyway. Sure maybe you can file a complaint but the damage would already be done. People are too cavalier about lending meds to family and friends, sad to say it is dangerous to both you and the person you lend meds to and it is illegal and as a licensed healthcare worker you can find your license in danger and forced into a costly treatment program and even unable to work as a nurse if you make the mistake of taking a controlled substance without a valid script. The risk isn't worth it, better to go to the ER, urgent care or your own Dr and get a valid script. It might be expensive and inconvenient both for the visit and the script, but it could turn into an even more expensive nightmare if you don't! You never know when you could be drug tested whether randomly at work or after a worker comp injury and of course for a new job why take the chance. Maybe if you had a regular job not a licensed job it wouldn't be such a big deal, but it is too risky for a nurse to take that chance. It is not worth it!

I don't believe that every person forced into a drug program actually has a drug problem, some do, some don't. It doesn't matter what the real truth is if you are drug tested and it comes up positive without a valid script you will find yourself forced into a treatment program in order to keep your license. I've even read on here of others who had mental health problems such as depression or past suicide attempt that were not using drugs or alcohol yet were forced into a treatment program and stipulations in order to work as a nurse. The board and others view a nurses right to privacy as less important than the risk to patient safety.

This is not just a problem for nurses as Drs too can find themselves trapped in expensive treatment programs as well, but it might not be quite the financial burden for them. The for profit health care industry only adds to the cost of treatment. Still wish we had national healthcare with reasonable costs and profit was taken out of the equation. One can dream I guess.