Feel like giving up

[Anon22]

I am so depressed and just feel like handing over my liscense and saying screw it.

In 2013 I became a nurse, I had a problem with alcohol before that but it got worse after my first job as an RN. I was a functional alcoholic but finally realized I had a problem. I was scared to death that if I sought out help I would lose my liscense so I quit my job and tried to quit drinking cold turkey. I didn't expect the DT's to be so bad. A well meaning friend gave me Ativan to help and I stupidly took it and wound up in the ER were I was reported. I voluntarily joined the monitoring program in my state. I am very committed to my sobriety but I feel like I can't catch a break. Due to the financial burden of the drug tests and counseling I was homeless so I missed a couple of call ins and one drug test. I had a positive screen due to a friend giving me a Tylenol bottle with Firocet in it and not telling me. I lost my stay of discipline and now the whole world can read every sordid detail. Even after all that I kept plugging on. I have not been able to find work as a nurse. Today though I feel like giving up. I had to drug test, second time this week, and had to borrow money from my MIL to do it. I went to the same after hours place I alway do and was told they wouldn't accept. They said a credit card number I have them was rejected from a previous visit and I needed all the money up front. They didn't call me earlier in the day to tell me this or I could have either tried to get the money or go to a different site. So I couldn't drug test. Now it's 12:30am and I'm typing this crying my eyes out wondering if I'm going to be told that I'm losing my liscense for noncompliance and if I'm not if all this stress is really worth it. I feel like the only times I've even thought of relapsing has been due to the pressures of this program. I won't relapse, I have to many other things in my life that are helping to keep me sober, but really is it even worth it anymore.

[SpEdtacular, MSN, RN, EMT-P]

brandy1017

You sound like someone who has not had personal experience with addiction. When someone is an addict it's more complicated than just choosing not to do something because they have an illness. The OP is a poster child for why people don't get the help they need. One of the reasons that laws like HIPAA exist is because of situations like this and in my opinion the OP should absolutely file a complaint because every time stuff like this happens it discourages someone else from getting the help they need because they are afraid they will be punished and then when they don't get help they end up hurting themselves or someone else.