My husband won't let me do bed baths

jeffrey_rn · Oct 7, 2006

Well, you could always give up on the nursing career, drop out of nursing school, go and buy a big cage with a large padlock, a chastity belt, a blindfold and gag. Then sit inside it every day, waiting for your husband to come home to serve his every need. Otherwise, you could focus on living your life the way you want to and get yourself a great career, helping others and being your own person. This seems so obvious that I have to wonder why you would even need to ask others what to do. It also makes me wonder if your husband is the type of guy who uses more than words to persuade. If so, you could have some serious issues to contend with. Be safe but get some real help. I do wish the best for you. Take care.

november17, ASN, RN · Oct 7, 2006

I applaud you for being open-minded to male students. Things must have changed, because when I was in school the women bathed the women students and the guys bathed the guys.

Maybe she goes to a similar college I do. I'm the only male student in a class of 40.

That being said, my wife is a massage therapist and not only does she see a lot of naked/half naked bodies she also rubs them with oil! Oh my god!

Fun2, BSN, RN · Oct 7, 2006

Maybe she goes to a similar college I do. I'm the only male student in a class of 40.
That being said, my wife is a massage therapist and not only does she see a lot of naked/half naked bodies she also rubs them with oil! Oh my god!

:chuckle

ZASHAGALKA, RN · Oct 7, 2006

Let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt...maybe he just has a problem with a healthy, young, NON-PATIENT/NON-NURSE getting to touch his wife when it could just as easily be a female instead. I still totally disagree with him, but that might be the only issue he has...we're assigning A LOT of bad traits to him in this thread so far.

If I say, "Women should know their place," what would be the reaction here?

Now, I might mean that in totally innocent ways, hehe. But the statement itself provides a whole host of connotations, does it not? More importantly, they are well deserved connotations.

No matter WHAT his underlying concerns are, he lost at "I won't let. . ."

It's been said before, but this isn't about bedbaths.

Two issues come into play, and they are both related to jealousy.

1. Does he have issues with a school mandated interaction that is bound, due to legal restraints, to be completely non-sexual?

2. Does he have issues with you seeking the means that could make yourself independent.

I have always said that I wanted to earn enough that my spouse didn't have to work. But, I would ENCOURAGE her to work if that is what she wants.

Personally, from a male's perspective, I think the issue is financial independence. If you are jealous, that is MORE of an issue than any other. I think the result will be that he will be non-cooperative and hostile all along the way. This is just round one.

Even, if as some have said, he only has an issue with YOU getting a 'bath' from your peers, it is STILL an issue where he is placing his relationship concerns ahead of your desire to advance your education. It is part of the program and for him to demand that your relationship is more important than the program speaks volumes about how he views you going to school.

Would I be 'uncomfortable' with this if it were MY spouse. Probably. But, there is a world of difference between being able to address and reconcile my irrational concerns and translating that into a demand that school is not as important as 'us'.

Everytime you have an issue with school, my guess is that he will happily chirp in that maybe you should quit. How supportive!

To ME, an independent woman is a blessing. I want a woman that CHOOSES to stay with me, not one that is forced to stay.

But, that is not nearly a universal opinion.

What I'm trying to say is this: there is a more fundamental issue here than bedbaths. What it at issue, for HIM, is the underlying dynamic of your relationship.

I understand the need to want your devotion. However, I would not yield nor tolerate the stance that you should be with him out of need. Superficially, that supports this jealousy. But, it undermines the elemental basis for a relationship.

Real love supports each other, it doesn't play power games.

My guess is that the differences here are irreconcilable. You want a measure of financial and social freedom and HE doesn't want that for you.

Do you KNOW how many nursing grads get divorced? Why? Because financial independence is a crucial stepping stone to actual independence. So, his concerns are RIGHT ON THE MONEY, if he perceives that the only basis you have for a relationship with him is financial need.

But, those kinds of relationships don't pass the test of time, in any case.

A relationship based on love and respect thrives with such independence. A relationship based on jealousy and power trips fail by the same token.

My guess is that you WILL seek a divorce after you graduate and he is rightly concerned about that. But, the die for that was cast long before bedbaths became an issue.

Love is a circle of validation, not an accusation or an attempt to keep someone by holding them down. The horizons of a good relationship expands by the same measure as the horizons of its individual members.

Jealousy is a tough issue. My experience is that it can't be talked through, it has to be consistently challenged. Faith in a relationship is about BOTH being faithful AND extending a measure of faith.

To me, jealousy is as equal a violation of such faith as adultery. Or more. They both translate to a mistrust that makes intimacy impossible. The result: misery.

Sorry this is so jaded. Been there, have the divorce decree to prove it.

~faith,

Timothy.

gauge14iv, MSN, APRN, NP · Oct 7, 2006

What an eloquent, and accurate post.

My ex-husband - the one I was married to throughout my RN program was fiercely jealous of my path to independance. We divorced soon after I graduated. I don't think he ever wanted me - but he needed me under his thumb for his own validation of sorts. He was insanely jealous and I felt betrayed by that in so many ways. It was a fundamental betrayal of what he thought of me as a person and how he valued me as his wife.

My current husband is excited for my new independence as an NP. He is proud of me and encourages me to go as far as I can and want. He doesn't need me, but he wants me. There is no jealousy and no believing the worst. We are thrilled to see each other go as far and as fast as we can!

kerslo · Oct 7, 2006

Well in my short experience as a new nursing student, I have been quite frank about informing my spouse exactly what goes on in the lab or now the nursing home where I go. But this is what nurses do, as a experienced nurse told me, "If you don't like the smell (or the nature of the job), you might as well be a waitress at IHOP(no offense)." That has helped me (and a lot of my classmates) overcome the uncomfortable things in this career. It is not an option, you either do it and like it, or fail. I think everyone has worked extremely hard to get where we are. Don't you think that is worth something? Isn't this all in a day's work.

Maybe try a different scenario, What if you both wrecked? What would he do? Or if he were miles away unable to get to you in time and needed to be washed up before you picked up an infection or if the infection spread? Or this could happen to him. What you mind if a female nurse washed him up? Then what? That is what we are here for.

Wife of an extremely jealous Mexican Macho Man. :specs:

Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN · Oct 7, 2006

That being said, my wife is a massage therapist and not only does she see a lot of naked/half naked bodies she also rubs them with oil! Oh my god!

LOL!!!!!

cschmill · Oct 7, 2006

i went through the same things you are going through last semester. i think it's the whole male perspective thing coming in to play- that they should be able to see whoever they want naked but it's a whole different thing when it comes to the female. what does he expect, for you to only be assigned to female patients? he needs to come to the reality that nursing involves direct care of people that can't do it themselves, be it man, women, or the undifferentiated types that you come across in some cases. also the fact that in nursing school you work very closely with your classmates for a very long time and that it is in the name of education, not that you are getting paired up together to do some strange sex thing behind pulled curtains.

my husband was pretty insecure about the whole check off thing for bedbaths and physical assessments, but i told him it wasn't an option for me and that it had to be done. he either realized that or just accepted it. nursing school is stressful enough, he doesn't need to add to the stress. i think if he wants you to succeed, he should be all for it, swallow the pride and give unconditional support.

pagandeva2000, LPN · Oct 7, 2006

I told my husband that we are doing bed baths in lab on Friday. He looked at me strange and asked me why on earth I would want to do that. I told him that it is just something you do as a nurse. He looked at me weird and I told him we would be in shorts and a tank top. He said "Your not letting some guy practice on you!" I told him that it was a medical professional think and that it was not like the male student would be turned on or something. He said that the guy could and that no guy was giving me a sponge bath. I asked, "what if I was in an accident and in the hospital and they had to give me a bath?" and he said "I would give you a bath":madface: Has any one hand any problems with this? I better not tell him that eventually we will be learning to do cathaters...on males...

This is shocking to me because when I attending nursing school, we practiced bed baths on mannequins, NOT each other. What is your school actually doing? If you are doing it on each other, I'd admit that I would have walked out because students do talk, and make each other uncomfortable.

redding-er-rn · Oct 7, 2006

I think what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Put it to him this way. He would want to have his needs tended to if he ever were unable to do for himself. How would he feel if he was smelly and dirty and no nurse tried to help him get cleaned up. I wouldn't tell him about the catheters if he has issues with practicing bed baths. I think his issue is someone bathing you not you bathing another person though.

emeraldjay · Oct 8, 2006

I had an off the wall thought here. Maybe the OP should give her DH a bed bath just as she would a patient. If she wants him to feel like a patient, make him put a bathrobe on backward, get some ace wraps and wrap his dominant arm in a sling, then get to washing. I'll bet he'll find that neither the bather or the bathed will get much of a thrill.

I do hope the OP's school teaches peri care on a manniquin before they get to patients. I've seen too many get in the field and wash back to front rather than front to back. I usually secretly wish the person would suffer the results of washing in the wrong direction, even for one day.

cuddlesrose · Oct 8, 2006

How long have you all been married? He sounds rather close minded to me. What is he afraid of. My husband knows that I come home to him and that as a healthcare professional there is nothing funny about what we do. Tell your husband to grow up and stop being so controlling. If he were the patient and had not had a bath for a couple of days he would be glad for anyone to give him a bath. Stick to your guns. It will pay off.:smiley_ab :