Lies of the ER.....

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What are some of the funniest, scariest, or weird lies youve heard patients come in the ER with??? I was just wondering what type of crazy stories you guys and gals come across before you find out the TRUTH.... LOL THANKS :yeah:

Those darn couch potatoes!

Hahahaha:yeah:

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Specializes in ICU, Telemetry.

Ones I hear:

I can't be pregnant, it's something I age (while her baby is crowning).

I tripped on it, naked. (apparently, a lot of folks prepare salads and vacuum and dust objects in the nude).

Ash ha'vdt ha nuthfin to drunk....*snore* (Honey, I'd pee hot just from smelling your breath).

I was in the passenger seat (then why do you have the seatbelt bruise for the driver's side on your chest?

I've had this rash/bump/cyst/mole/back pain/belly pain/neck pain for 2 weeks/months/years/decades and I decided I wanted it taken care of tonight. But it really hurts, so I'm gonna need...what's it called again? Dilaudy, something like that?

I don't do drugs (then honey, don't dump the crack pipe on my clean procedure table along with your keys, especially just as a deputy sheriff walks by).

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Nerdtonurse? & trekfan.... lol.... and yes teens will lie to cover up the truth its amazing because the parents really don't notice!!!!:lol2:

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Well I'm about to start nursing school, but worked as a vet tech for 9 years, 5 years at a 24 hr hospital....

the best one:

Her: My husband is on his way home and the dog is stuck.

Me: ?

Her: MY dog is stuck! It's stuck! What do I do?!

Me: We can't treat you, please call 911.

we've also pulled out 6 feet of x-mas garland from dog's intestines, as well as XXXL thongs (happened to belong to our receptionist's husband's boss's wife... very awkward).

but the worst was having to assist in a rape exam of a dog w/ an officer next to us. The officer explained when he arrived, the neighbor was screaming, "That's right, I F-ed your dog!" No visible signs of trauma was found. Dog seemed happy overall. I think the neighbor was just crazy.

one of my friends in the ED reported a couple strung out on meth. he couldn't get it up, so the obvious thing to help was to shove a # 2 pencil down the urethra. unsharpened. I mean, that's OBVIOUSLY the best thing to do. She didn't understand why he was so upset. . .

I just love getting pt's that say they've been abstinent for over 2 years.... well then how do you explain that syphilis chancre on your member/rectum/mouth as well as the palmar plantar rash? My standard response, "No sir, you did not get that from the toilet seat. If you aren't having sex, why are you shoving your member into someone's chancre then?" This has come in handy and my supe was pleased I finally became more authoritative.

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Well I'm about to start nursing school, but worked as a vet tech for 9 years, 5 years at a 24 hr hospital....

the best one:

Her: My husband is on his way home and the dog is stuck.

Me: ?

Her: MY dog is stuck! It's stuck! What do I do?!

Me: We can't treat you, please call 911.

we've also pulled out 6 feet of x-mas garland from dog's intestines, as well as XXXL thongs (happened to belong to our receptionist's husband's boss's wife... very awkward).

but the worst was having to assist in a rape exam of a dog w/ an officer next to us. The officer explained when he arrived, the neighbor was screaming, "That's right, I F-ed your dog!" No visible signs of trauma was found. Dog seemed happy overall. I think the neighbor was just crazy.

one of my friends in the ED reported a couple strung out on meth. he couldn't get it up, so the obvious thing to help was to shove a # 2 pencil down the urethra. unsharpened. I mean, that's OBVIOUSLY the best thing to do. She didn't understand why he was so upset. . .

I just love getting pt's that say they've been abstinent for over 2 years.... well then how do you explain that syphilis chancre on your member/rectum/mouth as well as the palmar plantar rash? My standard response, "No sir, you did not get that from the toilet seat. If you aren't having sex, why are you shoving your member into someone's chancre then?" This has come in handy and my supe was pleased I finally became more authoritative.

OMG You win !!!!!:yeah::yeah:

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LOL hahahahahahahaha.... I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAN GIVE A DOG A RAPE KIT..... UGH LOL PEOPLE ARE CRAZY JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHTYOU HEARD IT ALL BOOM ANOTHER HITS YOU LOL....

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I only hope to get back into an ED once I finish school! :yeah:

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I have my favorite. We had a man come in to ER with a Dixie cup in his rectum. He said " I was in the shower and fell on this." Oh really!

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Specializes in Trauma Surgery, Nursing Management.

We had a guy come in with a phone cord shoved all the way up his urethra. He wanted to see if he could get the ENTIRE length in...this was the THIRD time he came to the OR.

Guy had to be taken off of his motorcycle handlebar, because he was "cruisin', the bike crashed, and the handlebar landed RIGHT in my bum!" Amazing how that happens, eh?

Prisoner came in for an ex-lap because he swallowed an entire bath towel. I swear on my mother's ashes-true story.

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Specializes in ER.

I just filled my Lortab 10/500 mg script, and my Ambien 12.5 mg script yesterday, and somebody stoled them out of my car. (RRRIIIGGGHHHHTTTTTT)

I just filled my narcotics script, and so did my wife- we were walking home, and they fell nout of our pockets- we need new scripts. (RRRRRRIIIGGGHHHHTTTTT)

I just filled my Narc script, and my daughter accidentally dropped them down the toilet (again) SAY IT WITH ME KNOW PEOPLE!!!!!

RRRRIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Had a patient come brought in by ems because he "played video games for so long that his eyes started burning and he lost his vision." When I brought the discharge paperwork to him he asked if it was contagious.

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"I don't know how a lemon got in my rectum" possibly the most memorable

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