Well I'm about to start nursing school, but worked as a vet tech for 9 years, 5 years at a 24 hr hospital....
the best one:
Her: My husband is on his way home and the dog is stuck.
Her: MY dog is stuck! It's stuck! What do I do?!
Me: We can't treat you, please call 911.
we've also pulled out 6 feet of x-mas garland from dog's intestines, as well as XXXL thongs (happened to belong to our receptionist's husband's boss's wife... very awkward).
but the worst was having to assist in a rape exam of a dog w/ an officer next to us. The officer explained when he arrived, the neighbor was screaming, "That's right, I F-ed your dog!" No visible signs of trauma was found. Dog seemed happy overall. I think the neighbor was just crazy.
one of my friends in the ED reported a couple strung out on meth. he couldn't get it up, so the obvious thing to help was to shove a # 2 pencil down the urethra. unsharpened. I mean, that's OBVIOUSLY the best thing to do. She didn't understand why he was so upset. . .
I just love getting pt's that say they've been abstinent for over 2 years.... well then how do you explain that syphilis chancre on your penis/rectum/mouth as well as the palmar plantar rash? My standard response, "No sir, you did not get that from the toilet seat. If you aren't having sex, why are you shoving your penis into someone's chancre then?" This has come in handy and my supe was pleased I finally became more authoritative.