letter to potential ER employer...please read and critique! Thanks

[Trilldayz,RN BSN]

Below is my email to a potential employer in the ER for the hospital that I work at. This my ABSOLUTE first choice and competition for the preceptorship program in this area is STIFF!!!!!!!!! It's a big hospital in the Texas Med. Center. I wanted to tell her my positives and really let her know how much I think I "fit". (By the way, mentioned in this letter below is the TIPS program. This is basically a Student Nurse internship that prepares selected students and integrates them into this hospital and other hospital and clinic affiliates. We get priority in employment after graduation and we are titled Nurse Technicians) Let me know what you think. Suggestions, ideas, or changes are greatly appreciated!Good Morning Ms. XXX. My name is Trilldayz,SN and I was referred to you by one of the Nurse Managers in the Emergency Department at XXX. I am a Nurse Technician 2 that is attending XXX University in XYZ, Texas. I will be graduating with my BSN this May. I am a Harris County Hospital Disrtict Transition Into Practice (TIPS) member, under the direction of Ms.XXX. I work in the Emergency Room at XXX when I am off from school and I have really enjoyed my various experiences and the staff has been a pivotal role in my learning. I've really grown to love this unit and I am very comfortable with what goes on; it's "home" to me. I enjoy learning about critical care and trauma. I have a very strong interest in Emergency Nursing and I would appreciate if I could possibly be considered for an Graduate ER Nurse Preceptorship position for Spring 2011. By graduation, I will already be certified with both A.C.L.S. and P.A.L.S. certifications, through my university. I will be also be T.N.C.C. educated and prepared, but not certified, due to my lack of RN licensure. But I plan on becoming certified as soon as I am licensed. I have training in EKGs, IVs, phlebotomy, wound care,etc. Also, my 2 year nurse tech experience in this ED has given me invaluable insight of the role and responsibilities of the Registered Nurse in this aspect of Nursing. I believe that I can be a good fit to the ED team, as evidenced by the ED staff's strong positive references of my work ethic and willingness to learn. If there is anybody else that could give me any direction and/or advice as to how to get to my goal, your help would be greatly appreciated. Even if it's just remembering my name :-) .Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.Sincerely,Trilldayz,SN

[Trilldayz,RN BSN]

sorry! i tried putting spaces between my paragraphs and when I pressed Post, it got squished together.

[klone, MSN, RN]

below is my email to a potential employer in the er for the hospital that i work at. this my absolute first choice and competition for the preceptorship program in this area is stiff!!!!!!!!! it's a big hospital in the texas med. center. i wanted to tell her my positives and really let her know how much i think i "fit". (by the way, mentioned in this letter below is the tips program. this is basically a student nurse internship that prepares selected students and integrates them into this hospital and other hospital and clinic affiliates. we get priority in employment after graduation and we are titled nurse technicians) let me know what you think. suggestions, ideas, or changes are greatly appreciated!good morning ms. xxx. my name is trilldayz,sn and i was referred to you by one of the nurse managers in the emergency department at xxx. i am a nurse technician 2 that is attending xxx university in xyz, texas. i will be graduating with my bsn this may. i am a harris county hospital disrtict transition into practice (tips) member, under the direction of ms.xxx. i work in the emergency room at xxx when i am off from school and i have really enjoyed my various experiences and the staff has been a pivotal role in my learning. i've really grown to love this unit and i am very comfortable with what goes on; it's "home" to me. i enjoy learning about critical care and trauma. i have a very strong interest in emergency nursing and i would appreciate if i could possibly be considered for an graduate er nurse preceptorship position for spring 2011. by graduation, i will already be certified with both a.c.l.s. and p.a.l.s. certifications, through my university. i will be also be t.n.c.c. educated and prepared, but not certified, due to my lack of rn licensure. but i plan on becoming certified as soon as i am licensed. i have training in ekgs, ivs, phlebotomy, wound care,etc. also, my 2 year nurse tech experience in this ed has given me invaluable insight of the role and responsibilities of the registered nurse in this aspect of nursing. i believe that i can be a good fit to the ed team, as evidenced by the ed staff's strong positive references of my work ethic and willingness to learn. if there is anybody else that could give me any direction and/or advice as to how to get to my goal, your help would be greatly appreciated. even if it's just remembering my name :-) .thank you for your time and i hope to hear from you soon.sincerely,trilldayz,sn

i'm not going to critique content, so here are my comments on mechanical errors:

been - should be "played"

off - should be "into"

to - should be "with"

[Trilldayz,RN BSN]

Thanks!

[GHGoonette, BSN, RN]

below is my email to a potential employer in the er for the hospital that i work at. this my absolute first choice and competition for the preceptorship program in this area is stiff!!!!!!!!! it's a big hospital in the texas med. center. i wanted to tell her my positives and really let her know how much i think i "fit". (by the way, mentioned in this letter below is the tips program. this is basically a student nurse internship that prepares selected students and integrates them into this hospital and other hospital and clinic affiliates. we get priority in employment after graduation and we are titled nurse technicians) let me know what you think. suggestions, ideas, or changes are greatly appreciated!

good morning ms. xxx. my name is trilldayz,sn and i was referred to you by one of the nurse managers in the emergency department at xxx. i am a nurse technician 2 that is attending xxx university in xyz, texas. i will be graduating with my bsn this may.

i am a harris county hospital district transition into practice (tips) member, under the direction of ms.xxx. i work in the emergency room at xxx when i am off from school and i have really enjoyed my various experiences and the staff has played a pivotal role in my learning. i've really grown to love this unit and i am very comfortable with what goes on; it's "home" to me. i enjoy learning about critical care and trauma. i have a very strong interest in emergency nursing and i would appreciate if i could possibly be considered for an graduate er nurse preceptorship position for spring 2011.

by graduation, i will already be certified with both a.c.l.s. and p.a.l.s. certifications, through my university. i will be also be t.n.c.c. educated and prepared, but not certified, due to my lack of rn licensure. but i plan on becoming certified as soon as i am licensed. i have training in ekgs, ivs, phlebotomy, wound care,etc. also, my 2 year nurse tech experience in this ed has given me invaluable insight into the role and responsibilities of the registered nurse in this aspect of nursing.

i believe that i can be a good fit with the ed team, as evidenced by the ed staff's strong positive references of my work ethic and willingness to learn. alternatively, if you can refer me to anybody else who could give me any direction and/or advice as to how reach my goal, your help would be greatly appreciated.

thank you for your time and i hope to hear from you soon.

sincerely,trilldayz,sn

ok, there are your paragraphs, and i've also highlighted in red the alterations that klone suggested. i further highlighted the above sentence because i'm not quite sure what you're saying. do you want ms xxx to put you in contact with people who can advise you as to where you can apply?

right, re-edited and changed that sentence; i've also cut out that sentence with the smiley. other than that, just go through the it's and i'ves, as onaclearday suggested and it should be fine. i agree that the recognized nursing abbreviations should stay, eliminating them will make it too cumbersome.

good luck, and let us know how it goes!

[netglow, ASN, RN]

It's should be It is

I've should be I have, etc.

[Freedom42]

You don't mention wanting a job until the eighth or ninth sentence. You need to get to the point in the first sentence. Explain why you want the job in that first paragraph. Use the second paragraph to outline your qualifications, but don't point out gaps (e.g., you're "educated" but not "certified" due to lack of licensure; just point out that you've studied TNCC and explain how, whether through school or outside course, etc.). Also, I'm guessing that you put in the emoticon for fun on the BB, but just in case, you should lose the "cute," including the reference to remembering your name.

[klone, MSN, RN]

Yes! No emoticons in a professional letter.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

Glad to help girl! Keep us updated on your progress.

[PedsAtHeart, LPN]

i would leave out abbreviations, such as pals and acls... sure we all know what they mean, but as far as what i was taught, when writing professional letters or resumes you should spell it out and not abbreviate.

"if there is anybody else that could give me any direction and/or advice as to how to get to my goal, your help would be greatly appreciated. even if it's just remembering my name :-) ."

i would definitely leave this part out. especially the last sentence and the smiley face. i'm sure you are trying to get across some of your personality with this and if it were a letter to a friend it would be just fine, but not in a professional letter to a potential employer.

just my ideas.

[klone, MSN, RN]

I would leave out abbreviations, such as PALS and ACLS... sure we all know what they mean, but as far as what I was taught, when writing professional letters or resumes you should spell it out and not abbreviate.

I disagree with that. That would make it very cumbersome and clunky. PALS and ACLS are such well-known abbreviations in critical care nursing, I don't think it's necessary to spell them out.

[netglow, ASN, RN]

Just a thought...

Rework a few of the sentences, maybe you could combine some information.

Seems you use the word "I" too much.