Just self reported. Feeling hopeless.

shugamomma · Feb 26, 2016

Before you do anything else, go to a meeting. NA or AA. Does not matter. This is your first step to developing coping skills. You need to know that you are not the only person in the world going through this struggle.

We have been there. The first steps are the hardest.

For me, I dropped everything and checked myself in for a 7 day detox. I had to get away from my life for a little while.

When I got out of detox, I started IOP. From there, I had established a little foundation to help get me through everything I had to deal with in the future. BON, IPN, unemployment, sobriety, meetings, family etc.

Just keep doing the next right thing.

Big Hug. You can do it.

AntelopeTongue, BSN, RN · Feb 26, 2016

I'm trying, I really am. I'm not even sure how to find a meeting. I'll look around on the Internet and try to get myself there. I'm in quite a bit of pain right now. Thanks so much for your support.

CrunchRN, ADN, RN · Feb 26, 2016

You can do it. Many others have also. Hang in there. Life will eventually improve greatly. Hugs.

SororAKS, ADN, RN · Feb 27, 2016

One day at a time. Get yourself to a meeting. AA and NA are on the Internet and in the phone book.

Concentrate on taking care of YOU first. One day at a time. One minute or hour at a time. Don't pick up.

Keep in touch with us. We have all been there. You are not alone.

1sttime · Feb 27, 2016

I never got the point of meetings- now that I am a few years out I might understand- its being around other people in the same sort of situation. I found it hard to relate though. The best for me was a more structured intensive outpatient environment. I did detox by myself, it was terrible, but I was grateful to be in my own home.

I had a supportive husband who would come home and get me to at least go for a walk around the block- most of my days were spent watching "intervention" and other mindless series. Eventually my husband got me a dog- a reason to get out and walk, and interact with others at the dog park.

Now I am in the final stretch of monitoring (I hope), I laugh, spend time with friends, and find joy in life. This is a far cry from how I felt when I was first caught- alone in the middle of the ocean, with no land in sight, and nobody around. I didn't think I would ever feel like myself in the slightest again- a broken person.

This journey is not easy, but I am grateful for it. I have a better understanding of me, and of other people. Things will get better.

BelleRN50 · Feb 27, 2016

I have only posted once. But, something about your post touched me.

I have been where you are now. No, not exactly the same, but the fear and feelings are the same for all of us despite our exact circumstances.

I unfortunately didn't self-report, but was caught diverting. I immediately surrendered my license and vowed never to be a nurse again. I simply wasn't done. After spending 3 years trying/waiting to die, I finally gave up the fight.

I checked in to Intensive Outpatient (IOP) and began attending NA and AA meetings. Attending meetings was a mixture of emotions for me. I both felt like an outsider and that I was exactly where I belonged. I had never been to jail, hadn't lost everything, nor done some of the things others had done. But, I HAD lost myself to my addiction. I heard people share the crazy thoughts and behavior I had lived for many years.

I was was told two key things that helped me in the beginning. 1. Keep coming back. and 2. Take what you need and leave the rest.

I had lived (actually just existed) with drugs and alcohol for so many years that I honestly didn't believe I could function without them. But, the truth was, I wasn't functioning with them. I had to learn a new way of life. The people in those rooms taught me this. I found that despite our different backgrounds and experiences, we did have one thing in common......addiction. So, I listened and learned. It took me a while, but I finally started opening up to people and discovered such understanding and love freely given it was amazing.

In the beginning, I learned to not only take it one day at a time, but sometimes it was one minute at a time. I learned that however I was feeling at any given moment could and would change as long as I didn't use.

Things began to to get better, I learned how to function and enjoy life without drugs and alcohol. I learned coping skills that I'd never had and how to apply them.

You've made a big step admitting you have a problem and also posting here for support. Just keep doing the next right thing. If you don't know what that is, ask. There are people who care and will be willing to help.

one last thing. Another thing that really helped me early on and to this day is gratitude. I was engrossed in negativity. When I made myself look at what I did have vs. what I didn't have, it helped immensely.

Good luck and God bless. You can do this.

AntelopeTongue, BSN, RN · Feb 28, 2016

I just have to say, I was really looking forward to any replies because I knew it would maybe make me feel just slightly less alone. I was wrong. Just a handful of replies has me feeling an intense amount of gratitude and a sense of community.

You guys are really amazing. Who knew I could actually have feelings again. I almost forgot what it felt like.....to feel? Weird saying that but I've numbed everything for so long.

Today I discovered that I would I would never be on the path to recovery if I had not been caught. I can't say I'm thankful for being caught but.....I'm not angry (not right now anyway, I know this is a looooong road). When I tried to stop a couple years ago, I wasn't really being held accountable. I applauded myself for recognizing the fact that I had a "problem" (oh but certainly not an addiction!) before my work or anyone else discovered it. It was like a get out of jail free card. The problem was, I set myself just a little bit outside of the addicts. I was "like them" but not really. With one foot out the door, I still thought I had everything under control and I was going to do this my way.

Lo and behold, I totally didn't have it under control, I was in the very middle of the addicts, and having one foot out the door really ended up dragging me down further in the end. I totally blew my get out of jail free card.

Ugh, what a mess! Part of my plan is to stop just getting through things and really living this dang life eventually. Another part of the plan is to keep adding to this thread and hopefully updating regularly. Kind of like a blog(ish). I can't believe I actually just typed that and meant it. I'm really not a blog kinda gal. Or a girl who says gal. I don't even know who I am anymore! Lol. I will also get around to posting my whole story. It may just come out in bits and pieces, who knows. Again, thanks for the love and support from this group. I can feel it.

RN7916 · Feb 28, 2016

Hi there Atmosphere! I think the scariest thing is not knowing what to expect. But before you know it, you will know exactly what to do and find that it's not difficult if you are doing the right thing! And that's all you can do right now, is wake up everyday and try to do the next right thing. You will have great days, bad days, days you feel triumphant and days you want to give up. You may find one day you want to tell your story on here and you may not, either is just fine! You might find people you trust right away and it might take longer. There is no "right" way, there is only your way. You will read horror stories and you will read success stories. The reality is, even the best and the worst "stories" are all quite average in the life of an addict! Some people will understand and some won't, all are OK! I use to hate when people told me one day at a time, keep coming back, all you have is today but it IS great advice. A big congrats to you for doing the right thing for you "today" by posting. Hang in there, it does get easier :)

ChristiRN · Feb 29, 2016

Hang in there, do whatever they say, go to meetings, talk about it at meetings and wait. Life can and will get better if you do the right thing.

Oogie · Feb 29, 2016

You don't have to wallow in your feelings if you just acknowledge them for what they are. Try to face what you are afraid of with kindness and understanding (to yourself). Fear of being exposed? Admission is very cleansing to the heart. Does not make you lesser, its empowering to make a fresh start. Trust yourself, I find my first instinct is usually what is best for me, even tho I'll try 800 ways to excuse my way out of it! Treat yourself with kindness, and respect. Your a good person dealing with a problem. You do have skills to cope with this, in time you will find them. ... Peace ...

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Feb 29, 2016

It's amazing how much you can 'feel' once your sober and clean. I experienced so many feelings and emotions once I became clean. I had been in a mind numbing state for God knows how long. In my personal experience the emotional rroller coaster went on for about 2 weeks. Just remember, you've numbed yourself and now you can feel! Best of luck to you!