I've been a long-time reader but have never posted aside from one time I think.
I just had to self report to TNPAP. Just feeling all of those feelings that everyone else has and really wallowing in them because I have no coping skills.
I'm also really terrified because I don't know what to expect. Just needed to get this out there. I want to/will get my story out to you all but #1, I'm afraid to and #2 I don't trust myself to get halfway through and not just delete the entire thing honestly.
Any words of wisdom are appreciated. I just really needed to get the ball rolling on a post so I could at least start somewhere.
Thanks for the kind words! Yes, there definitely some things I am very afraid of right now and being exposed is absolutely one of them.
I feel very alone. This community is great but, I still feel alone. I don't know how to move forward with some things. Some of my closest friends are my nurse friends and I'm having a really difficult time deciding how to handle those friendships. Do I tell them what happened? Do I tell them part of what happened? Do I keep it to myself completely? Do I lie and make something up? I know some of this stuff might seem childish and obvious. I'm truly stuck.
I feel like the last 6 months or so has gone by insanely fast. Like I've been numbing everything, keeping my head down, and just going through all the motions waiting for something to get better. Now that I'm in a situation that could help me to get better, it feels like things are moving so slowly. I feel like this is a huge waiting game. I call the next person I need to call or take the next step I need to take and then I wait. Then I do that again and wait some more. Now that I see that in front of my face I realize that I should be doing more for myself. Even though no one is "mandating" me to right now, I should be going to meetings. That would probably be a good thing.
It's early on in this but I am still sober. I haven't drank or used since the day before I was called in to HR. So, I'm giving myself a couple pats on the back for that.
I have a question that I don't want to ask the entire forum but I don't think I can PM anyone since I have such few posts. Would anyone be willing to message me who has been in a similar situation? I guess the situation is based on what I have already written and the question has to do with my job. They are asking me to do something that I feel uncomfortable with and I can't understand why they want me to do this. Anyway, it's probably safe to post on here but, I'm being very cautious.
I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time. I believe that you can get through it though. I do have to ask.... And I'm sorry for having to ask.... What is TNPAP?
Thanks for the kind words! Yes, there definitely some things I am very afraid of right now and being exposed is absolutely one of them.
I feel very alone. This community is great but, I still feel alone. I don't know how to move forward with some things. Some of my closest friends are my nurse friends and I'm having a really difficult time deciding how to handle those friendships. Do I tell them what happened? Do I tell them part of what happened? Do I keep it to myself completely? Do I lie and make something up? I know some of this stuff might seem childish and obvious. I'm truly stuck.
I feel like the last 6 months or so has gone by insanely fast. Like I've been numbing everything, keeping my head down, and just going through all the motions waiting for something to get better. Now that I'm in a situation that could help me to get better, it feels like things are moving so slowly. I feel like this is a huge waiting game. I call the next person I need to call or take the next step I need to take and then I wait. Then I do that again and wait some more. Now that I see that in front of my face I realize that I should be doing more for myself. Even though no one is "mandating" me to right now, I should be going to meetings. That would probably be a good thing.
It's early on in this but I am still sober. I haven't drank or used since the day before I was called in to HR. So, I'm giving myself a couple pats on the back for that.
I have a question that I don't want to ask the entire forum but I don't think I can PM anyone since I have such few posts. Would anyone be willing to message me who has been in a similar situation? I guess the situation is based on what I have already written and the question has to do with my job. They are asking me to do something that I feel uncomfortable with and I can't understand why they want me to do this. Anyway, it's probably safe to post on here but, I'm being very cautious.
Congrats on your new start. Regarding your friends - definitely dont lie about the situation, but definitely be careful with how much you reveal and to who and when. It is best to be quiet at first and stick with NA and AA.
If you are having trouble locating services in your area you might try calling 211. It's a phone service that is designed to be a local resource database
I find your post very relevant to my own life. Although I am not the one who is addicted, I have a brother who is. It sucks to see such brilliant minds being caught up in the devil's game. I admire your courage to come on the forum and express yourself. I have tried many things for my brother. We have sent him to rehab and the first day he was out he went back and used. I even had a job overseas in Saudi Arabia, where drugs are very hard to find (drug traffickers get the death penalty). He stayed with me for 4 months and when he got back, it was only a matter of time before he started using again. I cannot comprehend his mind, but I do know that addiction is a monster. From many articles and research, one of the best ways to deal with addiction is prayer. Knowing there is a higher power and praying to the Almighty helps a lot. I'll keep you in my prayers. Don't hesitate to express yourself here. We are in a boxing ring against addiction. Everyone here at AllNurses is in your corner. Keep fighting!
I've neglected my little "journal of truth". Luckily I have not been neglecting my recovery in any other sense. I've been going to AA meetings ~ 4-5 times/week and I've been going to a recovery center where I am prescribed suboxone as well as individual and group therapy twice weekly. I also got a sponsor a few days ago and will be starting step work soon. I got my 30 day clean/sober chip a few days ago as well. 😊
This Monday is my appt with the "addictionologist". This person will determine whether or not I can continue suboxone. I'm assuming he'll say no since TNPAP is technically an abstinence based program. Does anyone have any experience with that?
After that I guess I will be meeting with a case manager and will probably be sent to inpatient rehab. That's my guess anyway. Seems silly that they would literally make me wait over a month to see someone and then send me to an inpatient facility. Not my rules though. Anyone have any thoughts or experience on that too?
I've had a lot of good days and then also some crappy days. I guess that's to be expected. All in all, my life is already so much better considering the circumstances. Happy that I can at least see through the negatives right now.
I was just reading the thread on whether or not to report someone who is possibly diverting. I realized that a few months ago I would have read that thread and thought, no way do not report that person (because I would not have wanted to be reported obviously).Reading it now, all I can think is that I am SO lucky.
I'm so lucky that the pharmacy audit pointed out that I was probably diverting. I'm so lucky that my manager did not overlook that fact simply because I was, otherwise, a very good employee. I needed to get caught. There was no possible way I could have stopped on my own. I tried! Many times! I could be dead or could have seriously harmed a patient if this had been overlooked.
So, I agree with what someone else said on that thread, that being caught is probably saving my life.
Thank you to all of the nurses who are not addicts but who try to or do already understand that addiction is a serious disease process. I know that many people and many nurses continue to see it in other terms which makes it incredibly difficult and even more burdensome for the addict. Of course I don't WANT to be an addict. I would never have chosen this for myself.
I got straight A's in nursing school with multiple awards, graduated and went on to work in very high stress, difficult departments. I never ever called out, people came to ME for help, thanked me all the time for the hard work that I did, I received awards at work. The list goes on but I'm not typing those things out to brag. I'm doing it because people so often think the addicted employee is rebellious, calls out, and does the minimal amount of work to get by.
It's not always the case.
I'm also typing those things out to remind myself that I am not a "bad" person. Yes, my active addiction lead to me ACT in various bad ways. However, my active addiction does not define me. For that, I am grateful.
I'm currently sending good vibes and good thoughts to all of the nurses who are still struggling and in their active addiction. Life can be so much better!
Your last post spoke to me. I still struggle with the guilt and shame and question why I did what I did every single day. You eloquently put into words how I feel. Addiction took control of me in a way I never imagined. It has changed my life forever and I must learn to make this positive and pursue peace.
I wish you luck and so very look forward to you posts.
AntelopeTongue, BSN, RN
36 Posts
Thanks for the kind words! Yes, there definitely some things I am very afraid of right now and being exposed is absolutely one of them.
I feel very alone. This community is great but, I still feel alone. I don't know how to move forward with some things. Some of my closest friends are my nurse friends and I'm having a really difficult time deciding how to handle those friendships. Do I tell them what happened? Do I tell them part of what happened? Do I keep it to myself completely? Do I lie and make something up? I know some of this stuff might seem childish and obvious. I'm truly stuck.
I feel like the last 6 months or so has gone by insanely fast. Like I've been numbing everything, keeping my head down, and just going through all the motions waiting for something to get better. Now that I'm in a situation that could help me to get better, it feels like things are moving so slowly. I feel like this is a huge waiting game. I call the next person I need to call or take the next step I need to take and then I wait. Then I do that again and wait some more. Now that I see that in front of my face I realize that I should be doing more for myself. Even though no one is "mandating" me to right now, I should be going to meetings. That would probably be a good thing.
It's early on in this but I am still sober. I haven't drank or used since the day before I was called in to HR. So, I'm giving myself a couple pats on the back for that.
I have a question that I don't want to ask the entire forum but I don't think I can PM anyone since I have such few posts. Would anyone be willing to message me who has been in a similar situation? I guess the situation is based on what I have already written and the question has to do with my job. They are asking me to do something that I feel uncomfortable with and I can't understand why they want me to do this. Anyway, it's probably safe to post on here but, I'm being very cautious.