Just finished school and family doesn't need me anymore.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Dec 28, 2014

I am sorry to hear this.

I find it unusual that a six-year-old child no longer wants her mommy anymore. Is there any way you could work your way into the routine that they have established? Is there any way you could arrange a family conversation to discuss these issues? It appears there's a breakdown in communication.

Good luck to you.

Caffeine_IV · Dec 28, 2014

Is counseling an option both family and marriage? Or can you speak to your husband separately. I feel he should be helping you transition into their routine.

Lev, MSN, RN, NP · Dec 28, 2014

Start with making dinner every night and sitting down as a family.

SleeepyRN · Dec 28, 2014

I second the counseling suggestion. Family counselors are specifically trained to help people in your situation. I wish you the very best. With nursing school taking up sooo much time, your husband and daughter did have to find a way to cope with you not being able to partake in many things. They had to adjust. And a counselor would be qualified to help you speak your feelings of being left out and not needed anymore. Then he/she can give you tools to rebuild your relationship with your family.

Gooselady, BSN, RN · Dec 28, 2014

I sense this is more an issue inside yourself, YOU adjusting to the difference, than your husband and daughter 'not wanting you around'. How could a six year old not want her mother around?

Check into your assumptions of what's going on. Your own thoughts can be a person's worst problem, ask me how I know! For starters, saying that somehow nursing school made you lose your family is an example of catastrophic thinking. Not realistic at all!

In the meantime, GO ALONG with what your husband and daughter have been doing, don't just land in the middle of their routine and make demands. Fit in with them. Remember it's not 'all about you' :) And breathe, please :) You'll all be fine, everyone struggles with big change. And it does your family no favors to fabricate a crisis that doesn't exist :)

RunBabyRN · Dec 28, 2014

Talk to your husband about how you feel. It can be tough to feel like an outsider in your own home.

With your daughter, do you have anything you two do that's just yours? I have a 6 year old son, and I just graduated in May. I make a point to have time with him where we do our things that my husband doesn't enjoy. I also put him to bed anytime I can. My husband knows more about the day to day stuff (he's the one who's seen Planes 50 times, whereas I'm still learning the main characters), but we make our time count, and he's always happy to see me when he does. I get a nice warm welcome when I come home or in the mornings when I'm home... when he's not distracted with TV or the iPad!

Libby1987 · Dec 28, 2014

I had a friend whose husband was based as a commercial pilot across the country and he would be gone for long stretches while she was home both working FT and taking care of the kids. One thing she told me was that he would come home and try to jump back in but that he'd just get it wrong. She said he needed to learn how to jump back on the merry go round without disrupting their established routine.

It hurt his feelings because he really loved and missed his family (no one doubted that) but what she was pulling off with the kids was a hard balance and he had to be sensitive and adapt to make the transition.

This included their relationship as well. They weren't kids anymore and a tired mom isn't on her tippy toes waiting for his romantic return like he would have liked as he was the one away from home and so anxious to return to a warm loving wife.

mmc51264, BSN, MSN, RN · Dec 28, 2014

Give it some time. I went through the same thing and I am still adjusting to fact that my husband and two boys (10 and 13) do just fine with out me. It may take a day for them to get used to me being home (I work 3-12s in a row).

classicdame, MSN, EdD · Dec 29, 2014

you gradually moved into a new schedule when you were in school. You will gradually move into another one now. Make some special time with your daughter with you and her alone. Make a date with your husband. Don't over-react.

caliotter3 · Dec 29, 2014

I also would suggest counseling. Maybe they can give your some good pointers, or at least provide support as you work through this. Best wishes.

llg, PhD, RN · Dec 29, 2014

Military families sometimes have this issue. The deployed spouse comes home after being gone for many months with "fantasies" about how wonderful life will/should be at home. They try to live out their fantasy home life -- but the family has been living a "real life" of work, school, friends, etc. They have their routines and they expect the military spouse to accommodate those established routine. There are no "bad guys" in this situation, just different people each moving forward on their own paths who have grown apart a bit.

It's not realistic for you to expect your family to "go back exactly the way it was before you went to school." People don't "go back" they evolve and move forward. Your daughter is older now and probably more independent than she was when you started school. She has developed her own routines and preferences and you need to respect that -- because that is the way it should be. The same as your husband.

Don't expect them to change their routines and "go back." Join them in their current lives and offer to help them with things as you can. Do things "their way" for a while before suggesting changes in routines that work well for them.

Look at it this way. The fact that they have become less dependent on you is a good thing. It will make it easier on everyone when you get a job. Working is just as time-consuming and stress-inducing as school. You'll need them to be just as tolerant of your job needs as they were of school. Be grateful they adapted so successfully to school and build on that.