My wife is kind of a jealous woman. I have never given her any reason for this because I am completely faithful and committed to my wife and family. I am going to be starting a BSN program soon and then on to working as an RN. My question is, is the fact that the majority of my classmates and later co-workers are going to be women, going to strain this issue even more. I have no problem with my wife conversing with other men and I do not get jealous when I see them checking her out. But this isn't the case with me. I have never, will never and haven't ever thought about being unfaithful. What's the deal? Any advice?
Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.
I would say that if you want to make this marriage work while in nursing school and beyond you must seek professional help now.
:yeahthat:
I agree completely.
I also agree with the poster who said that the jealousy is your wife's issue, not yours. It's no reflection on your level of love or commitment. It's her, not you; unfortunately, you have to deal with it. I think you can reassure her from now till doomsday and it won't help much. A professional may be able to help her see herself and you in a different light. You probably won't be able to do that.
If you're going to be a nurse, she's going to have to deal with you being around other women.
We all develop a bond with our fellow nursing students when we are in school. It's a very stressful time and we need that support to help us make it through. For your wife to expect you to not be friends with the other students (mostly women) is completely unrealistic.
I agree with the others that it is something you will need to work through with her before starting the program. Marriage is tough when you are in school under the best of circumstances. It takes a lot of time and commitment and other things, including time spend with your spouse, have to fall by the wayside for awhile.
my ex was the same way. i was accused all the time of cheating, and i never did. all it would take is talking about work and saying a female nuses name too many times. it didn't matter if i worked with this nurse night after night. it also didn't matter what shift i worked. she would even get upset when the sweet little confused ladies would flirt with me. even when i had seen another woman regardless of age, naked. i didn't even tell her anything about the night, but i would get grilled until i told her something about my night. when her and i met i was in nursing school, so this is something that she could not say was unexpected. for the longest time i thought the relationship could be fixed and she would stop being so jealous. that never happened. she started cheating and as a result, i kicked her and her two kids out. it was easier for me because we were never married and the kids were not mine. that was 4 years ago. for me, life is much better now. now i have a wonderful wife who is also a nurse, so she understands what i go through. we also have a wonderful little boy. i guess what i am trying to say is don't drive yourself crazy trying to fix something that is broken, but cant be fixed. there are wonderful women out there who wont be jealous of the people and the patients you work with. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Some people are flattered by the jealousy of their mate, as they equate jealousy with how much the other person loves them. Jealousy is actually a manifestation of insecurity, and often it has absolutely nothing to do with the object of the jealousy and everything to do with the jealous person.
The jealous person is an insecure person. You have no control over this. This is your wife's demon to wrestle with.
In my experience with nursing school, if your relationship is on weak footing, nursing school will do nothing to strengthen it. NS is demanding and consuming, and requires a great deal of understanding and support from one's partner and family members.
Once you begin working as a nurse, you'll find the profession just as demanding as NS, emotionally, physically, and psychically.
I would recommend couples counseling because even though the jealousy is your wife's, the fact that you were drawn to her tells me that maybe there is an unhealthy part of you that interprets jealousy as evidence of her love. If you don't want to see your marriage crumble under the strain of it all, and want a healthy, strong marriage, I highly recommend you get some professional help in sorting things out.
This is what I did with my male co-workers who were married. I rarely, if ever, call anyone at home unless it is a very important reason. When I do, I am very wary of the wife's reaction. So I tell a male colleague when we first meet, that I will never call him at home unless it is life or death and that I would highly appreciate meeting his wife or at least talking with her on the phone so that she can use her female radar and come to the conclusion that I'm not a threat. I've been thanked by the guys that I've told this to, so I know that your problem with a jealous wife is not an isolated one.
Here's another POV. My husband is a police officer. There are a lot of women out there who have a certain... ummm... liking for police officers. Even the ones who wear their wedding bands, even the ones who say "no thanks, my wife and I have decided not to see other people"... He also works evening shift, which brings him to the children's schools more often than I do since I work days, hence leaving him in the clutches of the lonely housewives who have a certain liking for police officers... especially those so dedicated to their children... (blah blah blah...)
I could scroll through his phone, check his text message history (if he knew how to text message..LOL), and call him 50 times per day. I could decide not to trust my husband who has behaved nothing short of honorably in the 15 years we've been married. I could make myself and him miserable. So miserable that he might one day take up one of those crazy cop groupies out there.
Or I can treat him with the respect he deserves, and give him the trust that we've built over the years of knowing and loving each other.
Talk to your wife. Take her someplace quiet. Express your concern, tell her how this lack of trust is hurting all of you. Come up with solutions. If you have never done anything to violate her trust, then she needs your help and patience so she can get to a place where she can love herself enough to understand why you love her too. (or at least to just accept it! :)
For the record, I work in a unit that is staffed with half men and half women. We behave professionally with one another. What does your wife expect to happen if you work with a group of women? You will hear everyone's birth story, know when they are all premenstrual, and perhaps hear about which kind of bra is the best kind to work in.. all *way* TMI anyway....
Extreme jealousy is an illness that is unlikely to go away on its own. My best friend is a man who has recently been dating a woman who has crazy jealousy issues. She couldn't see reason. No amount of sitting down with her and calmly explaining how much he cared for her and would never cheat ever convinced her.
She would get upset over the most innane things. Telling him not to answer a call from a woman she had given his number to (to get advice on house hunting). It didn't get better with time, it got worse.
It's interesting to note that when men exhibit this type of behavior it is widely recognized as being a precursor to abusive and possesive behavior. I don't think it should be viewed any less seriously coming from a woman. The detrimental effects to the relationship can be just as serious.
You are married to this woman, so obviously you are committed. It's time she stepped up to the plate.....tell her that counseling is mandatory for your relationship. You deserve to be trusted...it should be a part of marriage.
My husband has friends in his workplace that deal with the same situation as the OP. He is a teacher and out of 127 staff only 5 are men. Two of his male co-workers have jealous wives. One is in counseling and seems to be getting on the right track, the other is getting a divorce.
I would say that if you want to make this marriage work while in nursing school and beyond you must seek professional help now.
Exactly, jealous is insecurity. Your wife needs counseling. Chances are she has something in her history that has caused her to be jealous. It has more to do w/her than you; and with counseling & getting to the root of her issues her self esteem will improve and she can learn to trust. Marriage counseling is good, but individual counseling is invaluable. I once heard someone say "the only person you have to trust is yourself" - speaking from experience, I know this to be true. Good luck!
I can appreciate the fact that you have dreams. Everyone should be allowed to follow theirs, but is seems as if your wife is resistant, not of your dreams, but of her fears. Being in nursing school is a different expereince than any other type of college degree b/c you are with your classmates more than your family. I can see how this can cause issues if your wife already has problems. My best advice...get to the root of the real issue or things may not get better, but I sincerely hope they do. Best of luck to you.
I don't have any advice, but wanted to comment, I've made it through nursing school with out spending much time with my classmates. I don't do study groups unless we are already at school between classes, and tend to work on group projects the same way. In 2 years I can count maybe 3 or 4 times I've needed to get together with a group. So to the OP, it is possible to get through with out spending alot of outside of class time with other students. I've made friends in school, of course, but thats by choice not by necessity. I treat it like any other professional relationship.
That said, the stress of school in general will test your relationship to the limits. SO and I have been together for nearly 4 years, living together for 3, and the past 18 months have been the roughest, ever. Prior to this we had very, very few issues. Luckily we both recognize that its just the stress making both of us crabby, crazy and irritable.
santhony44, MSN, RN, NP
1,703 Posts
:yeahthat:
I agree completely.
I also agree with the poster who said that the jealousy is your wife's issue, not yours. It's no reflection on your level of love or commitment. It's her, not you; unfortunately, you have to deal with it. I think you can reassure her from now till doomsday and it won't help much. A professional may be able to help her see herself and you in a different light. You probably won't be able to do that.
If you're going to be a nurse, she's going to have to deal with you being around other women.
Good luck!