Jaded after CRNA school failure, burned out, don't want to be a nurse

[nurseman78, BSN, RN, NP]

I have hesitated to write anything on here, but I just need to vent. I am so close to leaving the nursing profession altogether. When I went to school I was happy and excited. I wanted to be a CRNA or an FNP, loved nursing school, got into an ICU internship at Vanderbilt Medical Center in 2011. I spent years working in the ICU, got my CCRN, worked hard, was accepted to CRNA school in North Carolina. I had a horrible experience. I did well in the classroom, did okay in clinicals, until I ran into a preceptor who stressed me out to no end. I felt I could never please him. I was thrown into a case with little prep with him and I made some mistakes. He and the doc reported me to my professors, who before this were very supportive. I would voice my concerns to them and they would tell me to "stop worrying" or "just keep going".

After this event (in which the patient didn't have any harm come to them), they wanted to put me on clinical probation. I had a friend in the program who had a similar experience with the same preceptor. They put her on clinical probation as well. A week after, she was forced to leave the program. I was incredibly stressed out already WITHOUT being on probation, and decided that I didn't want to spend more money on a program that didn''t support me (or frankly maybe I wasn't cut out for it), so I withdrew.

I was recruited to come work in a Neuro ICU in Seattle, which I did last year. It was overall a good experience, although it was difficult for me to go back to ICU nursing after having gone so far into the CRNA world. It felt at times humiliating and a step backward. I was frequently angry and depressed and even went to a couple of counseling sessions. I was excited, however, that my wife got pregnant with our third son. However, we were dealt a horrible surprise: he was born with lissencephaly and cerebellar hypoplasia, and was having constant seizures. After nine days in the NICU, the docs basically advised us to let him go, which we did. It was the hardest experience of my life.

Since we were financially strapped after spending tens of thousands on my CRNA school attempt, we didn't have money for a burial plot. My wife's parents, who live in Utah, had some space on their plot they had pre-purchased, and we had our son buried there. My wife and I grew up in Utah, and were living there before the CRNA school attempt. After coming home to visit friends and family, I felt that we should be back in Utah to be around them and have some support. So I took a job at an ICU in Salt Lake City.

I am four months in the ICU here in SLC and I just feel like I can't do this anymore. ICU's and sick patients stress me out. Sedation drugs and stressful code situations remind me of CRNA school and my bad experience there. Intubated patients (and we take children here too, it's a specialized ICU that sees both adult and pediatric patients) remind me of my deceased son.

I am anxious, depressed and confused about what to do. I am a father of two, my wife stays at home with our kids. I feel that being a bedside nurse doesn't provide as well as I would like for a growing family. I have considered going to NP school, but then I have also considered completely leaving nursing and going into something like software development or finance, just to get away from all of these things that remind me of bad experiences.

Does anyone have any advice or ideas? I do home health on the side, which I actually enjoy.

[TheMoonisMyLantern, ADN, LPN, RN]

Sounds like the hospital setting is definitely toxic for you due to your past experiences and traumatic events you've experienced. Have you considered going full time with Home Health which you say you enjoy? With your experience it would be a shame for the nursing profession to lose you, and there are simply so many areas of nursing you could try that you might flourish again.

I also think NP school is a good option as well. Good luck to you!

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

I want to say how terribly sorry I am for you. All these tragedies in such a short time would stress anyone out! Please consider going back to counseling either privately or thru your EAP.

The loss of a child is one of the worst stressors imaginable.

And...of course you were first dealing with the loss of a career goal.

[RNNPICU, BSN, RN]

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds you like you are grieving both the loss of your son and your school experience. That is really tough. Just because the CRNA school did not have the result you wanted does not mean you are any less of a nurse than before. You may want to consider counseling again to help you through some of these big life problems. If you are considering leaving the bedside, have you considered non-bedside roles? It does seem like there is a lot on your plate at this moment. How is the support from your friends and family in SLC?

There are so many other options with someone with your experience. Before returning to school, just try and ensure that it is what you want. School is always stressful, no matter what.

Working in the peds ICU is always tough. Burnout can be very high, especially because you always see the worst of the worst. It can be very draining and definitely impact your life. Stepping away from a direct patient care is not always a defeat, it can open up many doors, think of all the other roles in nursing, director, manager of ICUs, Educators, Case Managers, Quality, and the list is endless. If you are worried about losing skills, skills can be relearned and in addition, there are always new skills, different skills to learn.

Take care, and I hope you can start to feel better.

[ivyleaf]

I would agree that some 1:1 counseling would be helpful to see what you really want. I'd also suggest trying outpatient-- you could see if you might be interested in doing primary or urgent care as an NP (or specialty-- cards, ortho, etc). Much less stress- generally not life or death.

[JKL33]

nursemaid,

I don't have words of wisdom but want to convey support from afar. You've been through so much. I do hope that despite these other uncertainties you are able to allow your own personal grieving process to continue to take place. I'm sorry for your losses.

Warm thoughts/comfort to you,

JKL

[caliotter3]

I would suggest switching to home health, either visits or extended care, for a period of decompression and during this time, seek personal counseling. You describe a level of post traumatic stress for which you need to take care of yourself. Do this for your family as well as yourself.

[WestCoastSunRN, MSN, CNS]

I am SO sorry you have been through all of this. These are HUGE stressors for anyone. Before I even finished reading your post, I was thinking 'I wonder how this guy would do in home health' --- and then you wrote that you are already working in it and enjoying it. I think that is FANTASTIC. You already have the ICU experience and then some (CRNA) -- there is life outside of critical care nursing. I say this as a fellow CC nurse because I think maybe we think we should always be up for the challenge of ICU. But life has its seasons. There was a time when I needed to step away from CC nursing -- interestingly it was also when my kiddos were young ... like yours. The constant stress, the death, the morbidity of it all just took a toll. And that was without ANY of the challenges that YOU have been through.

I agree with other posters who say, golly we'd hate to lose a nurse like you!!!! There are so many avenues for you in nursing. I think the idea of going to home health full-time is great. I think you need some time to heal and see what you really want to do and what you feel you can take on (such as NP school). Home health will pay the bills as well as develop certain independent skills that you must have when you are out in the field alone. I have heard many say it is a great precursor to NP, if that ends up being a direction you go in. These are just ideas. It sounds really wise that you moved yourself to a place where you would be surrounded by the support of family and friends. Let them continue to love on you and, if you can, maybe seek out that personal counseling as well. You are a smart, brave man. You'll figure it all out and you're going to be OK.

[meanmaryjean, DNP, RN]

OP: While my 'loss' in no way approached yours, my time in private duty/ home health was a healing force for good in a time of extreme difficulty.

Please be kind to yourself and take advantage of any type of counseling that might be available to you.