Isolating, Obsessing, Life on hold

[Recovering_RN]

So I'm noticing some things about myself and my life and wondered if any of you are doing these things too.

I've become obsessed where monitoring is concerned, constantly checking my countdown calendar. I take a ridiculous amount of pleasure in deleting the completed "Check Test Status" task on my phone calendar. Sometimes I leave the completed/grayed out tasks on the calendar for several days just so I can go back and delete several at a time. I also take screen shots of Affinity every day when I check in so that later I can look at Photos and reassure myself that I really did check in that day. So I also go through my Photos and delete those screen shots every couple of days, and that somehow gives me great pleasure too.

I can see I have basically put my life on hold until monitoring is over. I have ongoing lists of things I want to do, and places I want to go, but I refuse to try to fit these trips into the restrictions of TPAPN. I don't want to ask permission to go, and I don't want to have to find an AA meeting wherever I go, or pretend that I did and lie about it. Too much stress. Since no one knows about it, (I never told any of my non work friends, family or my kids, only my ex husband knows) I can't go on a trip with a friend without having to explain why I need cell service every single day (for check in), why I might end up needing to find a lab etc. or why I don't ever order wine with dinner. So I just don't go.

I've also isolated myself from most of my old friendships and I'm not really interested in making new ones. I feel like it's this big secret that I have and I guess I don't want anyone to get close, because I'd have to either talk about it or cover it up. Neither one of those things are acceptable to me. A lot of social events include alcohol and I just get annoyed that I have to claim I don't drink anymore. I don't have a problem doing that, I've had enough practice in the last few years! But I just don't want to do it anymore! So I avoid most of the invitations to dinner, drinks, parties, even book clubs etc.

I have 135 days left and I can't stop thinking that I just have to get through this, then life can continue. I have plans to travel for a month overseas when I am finished and also I plan to step back to fewer hours, once I'm out of TPAPN. Because of the financial drain with monitoring I don't feel comfortable doing either of those things until I am officially out. So looking forward to my trip and cutting back on my hours is making me even more anxious to be done!

I know this isn't a healthy way to live, I don't expect to change, I don't need advice about "live for today" or whatever, I just wanted to know if I'm the only one!

[Recovering_RN]

I just wanted to add that if I had a job, I'd be counting. I'm 3 years in on July 26th and because it took be so long to get my license back ( things kept coming up that I had to take care of before I could proceed ). IPN says I must work off my key restriction ( 1 year ) and then be monitored for 6 mos beyond to be eligible to graduate, matriculate, ha... whatever. So, if this 'trend' of not finding a job continues until I have only 18 mos left, guess what? My contract gets extended. So, this is why I don't count. I have no idea how long it will be.

Wow. That would so totally suck, I have no words. To do all this and then have the end recede into the distance as you get closer, like one of those awful dreams where you're running and running towards something and not getting closer!

Have you gone to nursing homes? Home health? Is that allowed for you? I did home health for 8 months. Didn't like it but I was able to get past my narc restriction. What about dialysis clinics? Doctors offices? Urgent care clinics? (They'd need to have at least one other nurse there to give narcs) Do you attend a nurse support group? I know a lot of people hate those meetings but that's how I got my first job post TPAPN, from a referral through my nurse support group. Any of those nurses there that are working are potential referral opportunities.

What about night shift? Are you allowed to do night shift? I was allowed after 6 months, and my current job is night shift. It's often difficult to fill night shift positions so maybe if you were willing to do that. I HATED night shift and swore I'd never do it, but when the offer was made...I took it and I'm glad! It's not easy but it's definitely something you can get used to. Also, TPAPN agreed to allow the doctors at my freestanding ER act as the "supervisor" since there's only one nurse on staff at a time (me) and my manager works days.

Good luck!

[Persephone Paige, ADN]

Wow. That would so totally suck, I have no words. To do all this and then have the end recede into the distance as you get closer, like one of those awful dreams where you're running and running towards something and not getting closer!

Have you gone to nursing homes? Home health? Is that allowed for you? I did home health for 8 months. Didn't like it but I was able to get past my narc restriction. What about dialysis clinics? Doctors offices? Urgent care clinics? (They'd need to have at least one other nurse there to give narcs) Do you attend a nurse support group? I know a lot of people hate those meetings but that's how I got my first job post TPAPN, from a referral through my nurse support group. Any of those nurses there that are working are potential referral opportunities.

What about night shift? Are you allowed to do night shift? I was allowed after 6 months, and my current job is night shift. It's often difficult to fill night shift positions so maybe if you were willing to do that. I HATED night shift and swore I'd never do it, but when the offer was made...I took it and I'm glad! It's not easy but it's definitely something you can get used to. Also, TPAPN agreed to allow the doctors at my freestanding ER act as the "supervisor" since there's only one nurse on staff at a time (me) and my manager works days.

Good luck!

We are not allowed to do home health, or any job that would take us out of direct supervision. I don't have to have someone looking right over my shoulder, but I basically have to stay in one spot. No floating, etc... I had a shot at school nursing, but because I would be traveling around to 7 different schools, it got the kybosh. Used to be, we weren't even allowed to do night shift, but because so many couldn't find work they lifted that restriction.

I am not at the "panic" level yet. So far I have confined my searches to hospitals, or places like public health services. The hospitals are usually staffed well enough to have another nurse give the narcotics, and public health jobs don't have any narcotics. The problem is that our area is a bit small, so our facilities are small. The busier day jobs are taken and the night nurse needs to be able to count narcs. I have expanded my search to the two larger cities, both North and South of us. But, I'm working with a 12 year gap in employment and I'm just not getting any call backs.

When I start approaching about the 21 month mark, I'm going to start applying in Nursing Homes. I am doing this for myself. I'm not doing it for income. So, money wise, I can afford to take my time. I'm just over it. I want to be a normal person again. I don't mean 'normal' as in cookie cutter normal. I'm just tired of obstacles, hoops, etc... I have cleared up all of the wreckage from my past life, I just can't get a job to get past the last of these restrictions. UGH! Thanks for the thread, btw.

[Workitinurfava, BSN, RN]

I can't help but be honest. You are human and should not have to hide or keep this so hidden that you are isolated to this degree. There might be someone you are working with dealing with something similar. Sounds like you are suffering in silence. I am not judging, I feel for you.

[Red<nurse]

I just started a 3 year sentence....and I already thinking about giving up nursing.

[Recovering_RN]

I just started a 3 year sentence....and I already thinking about giving up nursing.

I seriously considered giving it up too. That was actually my first response after reading about all the restrictions I would have. I figured there were plenty of jobs where I could use my nursing knowledge, like giving training for hospital computer systems, I'd already done some of that while I was a nurse. But, the one big thing that stopped me, was how anyone who knew me would be able to look up my license and see I'd surrendered it. I even tried to research into what additional info might be available on the BON website to see if they'd have any charges if diversion or anything, but I don't think I ever figured that part out. And the thought of ALWAYS, for my ENTIRE life, having to explain that "yeah, I used to be a nurse, but I gave it up", then I'd have to make up some story about why I gave it up, knowing it was a lie. I hated that thought! I knew that the topic might not come up for YEARS, then Bam, something could trigger a memory for my kids, some picture of me in my scrubs, some movie, maybe my kids' friend or one of my kids or even grand kids considering going into nursing, "mom, you used to be an ER nurse....". It might not come up often, but it could come up for years. People I hadn't seen in a while, in laws, cousins etc, we get together for a wedding or a funeral, the topic comes up. I did not want to have to create a lie and live with that lie, that I'd just decided I didn't like it, it was too exhausting, too stressful etc.

So in the end, I decided I'd start the TPAPN process, fill out the forms, I could always quit later, deal with the lifelong lies if it was too much to deal with TPAPN, but I'd at least start off, see how it goes. One step, one meeting, one form at a time, my countdown clock was over 1000. I remember being so excited when it was down to triple digits! Now I'm at 133. And when my 3 years is up, I just may quit nursing after all, I will definitely cut back to part time or PRN, but then I will know that was my choice and I won't have any qualms telling anyone that I'd just gotten tired of it or whatever.

[Eris Discordia BSN, RN]

I seriously considered giving it up too. That was actually my first response after reading about all the restrictions I would have. I figured there were plenty of jobs where I could use my nursing knowledge, like giving training for hospital computer systems, I'd already done some of that while I was a nurse. But, the one big thing that stopped me, was how anyone who knew me would be able to look up my license and see I'd surrendered it. I even tried to research into what additional info might be available on the BON website to see if they'd have any charges if diversion or anything, but I don't think I ever figured that part out. And the thought of ALWAYS, for my ENTIRE life, having to explain that "yeah, I used to be a nurse, but I gave it up", then I'd have to make up some story about why I gave it up, knowing it was a lie. I hated that thought! I knew that the topic might not come up for YEARS, then Bam, something could trigger a memory for my kids, some picture of me in my scrubs, some movie, maybe my kids' friend or one of my kids or even grand kids considering going into nursing, "mom, you used to be an ER nurse....". It might not come up often, but it could come up for years. People I hadn't seen in a while, in laws, cousins etc, we get together for a wedding or a funeral, the topic comes up. I did not want to have to create a lie and live with that lie, that I'd just decided I didn't like it, it was too exhausting, too stressful etc.

So in the end, I decided I'd start the TPAPN process, fill out the forms, I could always quit later, deal with the lifelong lies if it was too much to deal with TPAPN, but I'd at least start off, see how it goes. One step, one meeting, one form at a time, my countdown clock was over 1000. I remember being so excited when it was down to triple digits! Now I'm at 133. And when my 3 years is up, I just may quit nursing after all, I will definitely cut back to part time or PRN, but then I will know that was my choice and I won't have any qualms telling anyone that I'd just gotten tired of it or whatever.

Yep.

Having a livable income is neck and neck with not having my shame go public for the reason I stay in this.

Maybe, one day, I could find an alternate career that pays on par with what I make now. But if my discipline became public...that is something that I would never be able to hide or personally live down. I believe the shame would cripple me.

So, I will just keep jumping through hoops in an effort to save my dignity in the long term.

[Have Nurse, ADN, RN]

Yeah, that's definitely me. I have grown to find that I'm most comfortable in the discomfort of isolation. Everyone except my in-laws knows though, because I was in the hospital a very long time on IV antibiotics from becoming septic thanks to my habit.

I screen shot check ins, stalk my email for messages from my case manager, fear my mailbox because for some reason, my case manager likes to snail mail me about late forms instead of an email. The debts and bills that accrued in my unemployment smother me; another reason just looking at the mailbox makes me sick.

My family and I don't really talk anymore, not sure why. I lost the few friends I had because I became so self absorbed in the process of recovery and monitoring that I pretty much lost any personality that I had. Can't make new friends because I have the personality of a dish rag at this point. Plus, I'm older and in a small town, so people my age are pretty settled in with life and their current friends and family....they don't tend to make any effort to start a new friendship no matter how hard I try. I've given up.

My home life is mediocre. I tend to isolate in my bedroom so even when I'm home, I'm not really participating in life. I'm married with kids but I find that I can't even enjoy that anymore. I know I'm depressed. I'm on meds, see a shrink, and a therapist, but it doesn't help the problem...which is largely living in fear of this program and deep seeded feelings of shame and worthlessness that I can't shake.

Because I've been fired before, I live in fear of work, of screwing up either patient care or socially with coworkers. Even though I just got my first annual evaluation at my new job and it was the best evaluation I've had in my career, I still worry.

I dropped Facebook, Instagram, linked in, never had Twitter or snapchat...dropped everything because I've gained so much weight with everything and lost my sense of self, that I don't want people to see how bad I look, don't want to risk disclosing something potentially embarrassing online, don't want to risk my CM, the Board, my employer, anybody snooping on my profile purely out of unessesary fear. Even on this site, I don't list my state or certain particulars about why I am here, because I'm afraid of being identified. This is the only socially activity I have in my life.

I have 4 years left. I know I can stay clean and sober. What should be the hardest part is actually the easiest. But I don't know if I can take this program for 4 more years. Worrying about everything and now having to make sure I keep my fingernails and toenails a certain length in case I get another nail test? Just crap like that.

And vacations...if I could afford one...lord, I don't know if I would take one with all the mess and drama that it would be about arranging testing or trying to get excluded from testing. Almost seems like it would just sour the vacation, which is sad, because when I finish this program, my eldest child will be moving off to college and the window of opportunity for family vacations will be pretty much closed.

So yes, I feel where you are coming from. I can't imagine being at the point where I only have half a year left. That seems impossible. I don't have a countdown calendar yet because it's so far off, flipping down one day at a time when you have well over a thousand left would feel like torture at this point.

But I'm so glad you are here, bringing up this topic, because I needed to feel like I wasn't alone today. I wish you allnurses people were in my real life, because I feel like them I would have the chance to make a real friend or two. Thank you so much for your contribution!

It takes courage to do what you did, posting on such a sensitive topic, and I just want to say, you are not alone, Child. (I am an older nurse)

We may not be there physically with you, but in spirit we are. I always felt that nurses, regardless of their backgrounds and challenges in life, should lift up one another.

We all make mistakes and some more serious than others, but that does not mean that you are not valued or loved.

And the fact that you did not succeed in destroying yourself means that you were spared for a reason.

Some times it feels as though you are being "tried by fire," and the journey is one that if you could go back and fix it you would.

Your Creator sees all and feels everything that you do, so it is fitting to bring it before Him.

Truth and honesty go a long way. It is easier for a wound to heal, if rather, than just covering it up, it is cleaned out first.

Many of us need prayer and I will be praying for you and all who have had the courage to step out and share about this very difficult road you are walking.

He will walk that road with you, and He will be there at the end. So will we.

[Red<nurse]

This is my second career. I know I ****** up with a DUI but all my family and friends know about that and think what ISNAP and the IBON are putting me through is ridiculous. There were days I miss my old job, prior to becoming a RN, but right now I regret leaving it....and there is no going back to it. Honestly, I really don't care. I'd be perfectly happy with bartending or the like. Right now my nursing job is essentially that anyway.

[catsmeow1972, BSN, RN]

I landed in this sewer over a mental health issue that has been utterly ignored by my states program and I've been consigned to a generic boilerplate substance abuse contract. Thankfully I am closer to the end than the beginning. My family also thinks that it is ridiculous and a complete money sucking con game that has no interest in actually assisting nurses. BONs? It's an easy cop out to just shunt troubled nurses to programs that have no real oversight and run rampant with nurses lives professionally, financially, personally and emotionally, chewing them up and spitting them out.

While I await the end of the contract (countin' Them days) I am working for a grocery delivery service (think Uber for grocery's) Its really quite nifty. The service will also deliver alcohol right to your front door. I find it very amusing that I, a person who never drank to begin with is schlepping alcohol around for pay and hey, tips, y'know$$$

[Ash2213]

I can so relate to all of this. I have pretty much been isolating from all of my friends for over 2 years. No way would I EVER share this with anyone, it is humiliating. AA teaches us we do not have to tell the whole world about our recovery, and yet, with board orders being public, the nursing gods think it protects the public. It is asinine. I am so bitter about this program sometimes. It is such a racket. 3 or 5 years is just too long to do this to someone. It is blackmail, it really is. I don't have a board order, so unless something goes horribly wrong my license will be clean next fall. But I legit live in fear of something going wrong. We all KNOW there are false positives.. I am so afraid of my own employer because they do the quarterly reports basically anonymous now, that I don't even speak up when there are problems at work. I don't want to make her mad, less she gives me a bad quarterly in TPAPN.

[Wolfpuppy31]

As you have read in my post...I am going through similar life obstacles.

I went into court ordered monitoring in Jan of 2017. I tried to be social for the beginning 3 months, tried to fit in where I used to fit in. It didn't work. It make me feel worse about my situation. I then went into something that I describe as 'going into hiding.' I have completely removed myself from society and social events. I became a loner.

I am 32 and I have so many things on my list of things to do and things to see but I have been forced to halt my life and put the things that matter to me most on hold. I don't feel it's fair. I didn't do anything to anyone to deserve to put my own life on hold and to suffer in this way. And I suspect neither did you. We all have the right to live our lives happily. To take that away is wrong. I feel for you 😢

[Red<nurse]

I suppose I am at a major impasse in life. Most of my friends have deserted me, my family pretty much leaves me alone, and I keep work people at a distance. I hate my life and it is completely because of monitoring and ISNAP. Yes, the DUI is on me. My fault entirely. But I have been regretting going into nursing for awhile. I was loving it until I made the switch into the OR. Immediately it was a hostile environment and I hated it. Back biting and condescending people abound. It made my post divorce depression worse and surely contributed to my drinking. I can't undo any of it. I can't go back to my pre nursing career and now I'm stuck in a position I'm not fond of. For 3 years.... I really don't know what to do...