Isolating, Obsessing, Life on hold

Recovering_RN · Apr 7, 2018

I also completely dropped out of Facebook. I used to be pretty active on it. Another way to keep in touch with friends. But with a large portion of my Facebook friends also coworkers from the place where I'd been fired, well I was too humiliated to show my face anywhere that they would see me, even online.

Plus Facebook allows anyone to track your movements pretty easily. And I didn't need anyone pinpointing my location on a specific date because of some fb post when I was supposed to be at an AA meeting!

Randomnurse3 · Apr 7, 2018

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I think everything you are describing is "normal" for a person in that position. I believe any nurse that is carrying shame, guilt, humiliation has the same feelings. You are not alone.

No matter what always remember you are a good person who just made some bad mistakes.

Persephone Paige, ADN · Apr 7, 2018

I can relate. My obsessing isn't about the monitoring part of it, but the finding a job aspect. I am having a very hard time finding a job after a 12+ year lapse in employment. I got cancer during a previous IPN contract and basically just gave up for about 7 years. I started to really get bored and went through the 7 rings of hell to get my license back. Got it back in Nov and can't buy a job. I'll interview, the interview will go really well and then crickets chirping... I won't go out, I'm constantly checking my phone and email and unlike you, I have no idea when this will end. I think that I had some OCD tendencies prior to addiction, but in all of my check and cross checking not to get caught, they grew worse. I refer to it as "holding my breath." When I get a job, I'll do X. When I get a job, I can relax. It's not your same exact scenario, but its the same. To me it feels like some manifestation of control. Anyway, I can't figure it out. It's very disturbing to experience and I can't wait for this chapter of my life to be behind me.

Recovering_RN · Apr 7, 2018

I did the same thing re. getting a job. I obsessed over it. Read every single article on the Internet about interviewing and what to say about having been fired and being in monitoring. When to bring it up. I literally practiced out loud how I was going to bring it up. I wrote down questions I expected to receive and practiced the answers out loud! I felt like everything would be fine, back to normal, once I got a job. And I had the additional stress of having no one except my husband (now ex) know about TPAPN. So none of my friends, family or kids knew I'd been fired, they just thought I'd quit, so I had to keep up the pretense that I'd decided to take time off from my stressful job, but then I had to hide my interviews from my kids because I had no explanation for them about why i would apply to so many jobs and not get any of them. I'd told them for years how nurses can get a job anywhere! They'd heard me talk about the recruiters that called me all the time wanting me to interview. So I snuck around and tried very hard not to let them see me dressed up in interviewing clothes. And when it took awhile to get a job I explained I was enjoying my time off and was being selective. Yeah right.

RickG85 · Apr 7, 2018

I'm glad you posted this because I feel the same way. I started to try and be a little more social and meet girls but telling them (or anyone really) that I don't drink is such a buzzkill. Even if they say they don't mind I still feel awkward. There's a difference between not being able to drink and not wanting to. I'm in my late 20s and feel like this program is ruining some of the best years of my life. Less than 5 months and I'll be done. I want to move out of this state and start a clean slate after this is over

malamud69, BSN, RN · Apr 7, 2018

Sounds reasonable to me! I'm flying under rhe radar...counting the check ins...P...and definately "put" my life on hold...its an endurance challenge at this stage! It's my choice not theirs and don't get me wrong...I'm living! Alive! Free! Why? Because I know the truth...onward.

Eris Discordia BSN, RN · Apr 7, 2018

Yeah, that's definitely me. I have grown to find that I'm most comfortable in the discomfort of isolation. Everyone except my in-laws knows though, because I was in the hospital a very long time on IV antibiotics from becoming septic thanks to my habit.

I screen shot check ins, stalk my email for messages from my case manager, fear my mailbox because for some reason, my case manager likes to snail mail me about late forms instead of an email. The debts and bills that accrued in my unemployment smother me; another reason just looking at the mailbox makes me sick.

My family and I don't really talk anymore, not sure why. I lost the few friends I had because I became so self absorbed in the process of recovery and monitoring that I pretty much lost any personality that I had. Can't make new friends because I have the personality of a dish rag at this point. Plus, I'm older and in a small town, so people my age are pretty settled in with life and their current friends and family....they don't tend to make any effort to start a new friendship no matter how hard I try. I've given up.

My home life is mediocre. I tend to isolate in my bedroom so even when I'm home, I'm not really participating in life. I'm married with kids but I find that I can't even enjoy that anymore. I know I'm depressed. I'm on meds, see a shrink, and a therapist, but it doesn't help the problem...which is largely living in fear of this program and deep seeded feelings of shame and worthlessness that I can't shake.

Because I've been fired before, I live in fear of work, of screwing up either patient care or socially with coworkers. Even though I just got my first annual evaluation at my new job and it was the best evaluation I've had in my career, I still worry.

I dropped Facebook, Instagram, linked in, never had Twitter or snapchat...dropped everything because I've gained so much weight with everything and lost my sense of self, that I don't want people to see how bad I look, don't want to risk disclosing something potentially embarrassing online, don't want to risk my CM, the Board, my employer, anybody snooping on my profile purely out of unessesary fear. Even on this site, I don't list my state or certain particulars about why I am here, because I'm afraid of being identified. This is the only socially activity I have in my life.

I have 4 years left. I know I can stay clean and sober. What should be the hardest part is actually the easiest. But I don't know if I can take this program for 4 more years. Worrying about everything and now having to make sure I keep my fingernails and toenails a certain length in case I get another nail test? Just crap like that.

And vacations...if I could afford one...lord, I don't know if I would take one with all the mess and drama that it would be about arranging testing or trying to get excluded from testing. Almost seems like it would just sour the vacation, which is sad, because when I finish this program, my eldest child will be moving off to college and the window of opportunity for family vacations will be pretty much closed.

So yes, I feel where you are coming from. I can't imagine being at the point where I only have half a year left. That seems impossible. I don't have a countdown calendar yet because it's so far off, flipping down one day at a time when you have well over a thousand left would feel like torture at this point.

But I'm so glad you are here, bringing up this topic, because I needed to feel like I wasn't alone today. I wish you allnurses people were in my real life, because I feel like them I would have the chance to make a real friend or two. Thank you so much for your contribution!

Babyj88, BSN · Apr 7, 2018

I feel the exact same way. I'm constantly looking at my countdown calendar dreading how long I have left. Constantly checking my app to make sure that I check in. Hoping I don't get in trouble because my job takes its time sending in the quarterly evaluations. Hoping I don't get in trouble because I don't pay my monthly fees to the board in time because the money goes to the monitoring first. I just be glad when all this is over.

SpankedInPittsburgh, DNP, RN · Apr 7, 2018

Recovering,

You have described life in monitoring perfectly. Its depressing and horrible. I have just under two years left to go and my life is in no way better than before I started this process. I'm starting (very slowly) to put my life back together. I've got to go back to the ER where there is basically unlimited OT so I'm beginning to pay down some of the massive debt I've accrued over the last two years but even working 70 hours a week it will take many months to do & even then I'll have ruined credit. I'm finally going to graduate from my DNP program but after that I face the challenge of telling my new bosses that I'm in a monitoring program. I don't date anymore and the relationship I'm in didn't survive this mess. I used to be a busy, happy, outgoing buy with lots of friends and good times now I go to work, my hated meeting and incredibly stupid nurse support meeting and come home. This program and did nothing for me at all. In fact I'm worse off in all ways. It hasn't even been effective. I'm counting down the days until I can have a drink again. Honestly I've decided that I'd rather die a drunk than live life in recovery as I have grown to simply hate the whole 12 step process and the recovery industry. This may be because I was forced into the process I don't know. The only thing we can do is get through this on a daily basis. This sentence (which is exactly what this is) will end. The BON will get their pound of flesh and we can then get on with our lives. I doubt many will be the better for this process

catsmeow1972, BSN, RN · Apr 7, 2018

This junk has done nothing for my mental health except make me louder and crankier than I was before. Even 4 years on I am utterly baffled as to why I am even in this pool. I don't know how to swim?

I've been reduced to an adult child that is dependent on family for all bills. I had to file bankruptcy but that is a few years old so thankfully I am crawling out of that one. I am on SSDI which was no picnic to get. I've tried to work but due to this stupidity cannot be in my area where I am most experienced (and not because of stipulations. There are none at this point.) I have no friends from before this. I have made a few friends outside of nursing but there is no way to explain this to them. Nobody outside of nursing understands how it can even be legal.

So I mostly hang out in my house, read. Nap. P when summoned. Don't do much of anything. Drudge through stupid meetings that I read a book through. (I wonder if I can deduct the mileage driving to them as a professional expense. Hmmm). I don't go on vacation because I refuse to reduce myself to asking these idiots for permission to go somewhere plus I will not mar a vacation with worrying about this ****. I try to go to the gym. All of this is fantastic for the depression that got me here to begin with but they don't care about that.

Every day I chalk another line on the wall of my cell and look forward to the end....

Persephone Paige, ADN · Apr 7, 2018

I just wanted to add that if I had a job, I'd be counting. I'm 3 years in on July 26th and because it took be so long to get my license back ( things kept coming up that I had to take care of before I could proceed ). IPN says I must work off my key restriction ( 1 year ) and then be monitored for 6 mos beyond to be eligible to graduate, matriculate, ha... whatever. So, if this 'trend' of not finding a job continues until I have only 18 mos left, guess what? My contract gets extended. So, this is why I don't count. I have no idea how long it will be.