So I'm noticing some things about myself and my life and wondered if any of you are doing these things too.
I've become obsessed where monitoring is concerned, constantly checking my countdown calendar. I take a ridiculous amount of pleasure in deleting the completed "Check Test Status" task on my phone calendar. Sometimes I leave the completed/grayed out tasks on the calendar for several days just so I can go back and delete several at a time. I also take screen shots of Affinity every day when I check in so that later I can look at Photos and reassure myself that I really did check in that day. So I also go through my Photos and delete those screen shots every couple of days, and that somehow gives me great pleasure too.
I can see I have basically put my life on hold until monitoring is over. I have ongoing lists of things I want to do, and places I want to go, but I refuse to try to fit these trips into the restrictions of TPAPN. I don't want to ask permission to go, and I don't want to have to find an AA meeting wherever I go, or pretend that I did and lie about it. Too much stress. Since no one knows about it, (I never told any of my non work friends, family or my kids, only my ex husband knows) I can't go on a trip with a friend without having to explain why I need cell service every single day (for check in), why I might end up needing to find a lab etc. or why I don't ever order wine with dinner. So I just don't go.
I've also isolated myself from most of my old friendships and I'm not really interested in making new ones. I feel like it's this big secret that I have and I guess I don't want anyone to get close, because I'd have to either talk about it or cover it up. Neither one of those things are acceptable to me. A lot of social events include alcohol and I just get annoyed that I have to claim I don't drink anymore. I don't have a problem doing that, I've had enough practice in the last few years! But I just don't want to do it anymore! So I avoid most of the invitations to dinner, drinks, parties, even book clubs etc.
I have 135 days left and I can't stop thinking that I just have to get through this, then life can continue. I have plans to travel for a month overseas when I am finished and also I plan to step back to fewer hours, once I'm out of TPAPN. Because of the financial drain with monitoring I don't feel comfortable doing either of those things until I am officially out. So looking forward to my trip and cutting back on my hours is making me even more anxious to be done!
I know this isn't a healthy way to live, I don't expect to change, I don't need advice about "live for today" or whatever, I just wanted to know if I'm the only one!
