Is It a Bad Idea To Stay in a Bad Marriage Until School Ends?

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My hubby and I have been married for 8.5 years and have 4 kids together. We have been having a hard time the past almost 2 years. He has a gambling problem and i have lost all trust in him.

He and Iwent to marraige counseling last year and it didnt help.

He doesn't think he has a problem. He hasn't played poker in 2 weeks and because of it he acts as if i should be kissing his feet. I asked him to seek counseling and write me a letter stating that if he should play again to understand that he then leaves me no choice but to file for divorce.

He has not put any effort to do those things and it has been 2 weeks now. It says to me, i am going to do things my way.

I told him today to stay away for a few days that i don't want to see him.

So...

My question is do i "stick it out" until i am done with school or do i look into getting out now?

Do i want a divorce? No not really.

Do i love him? I am not IN LOVE with him. I am very irritable around him. He gets on my nerves so fast. I dont wear my wedding ring anymore.

I have felt like a single mom for a LONG time.

Sorry for rambling.

Cheryl

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Hmmm,I think the stress of that would make it hard to concentrate on school. If you can it's probobly easier to stay..but that's a tough question.

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Well that depends on a couple of things are you going to leave him after you finish school? If not then stay with him. Also can you support yourself without him? If so what are you waiting for if you really want to leave? No time like the present. One more thing try to get counseling again because you do have the kids and it can really effect their life also. Take it from a women with four children also and I tried to leave my husband and my kids were very sad so I came back and we are back into counseling again things are better. Also gambling is a major issue but you have other things to look at for example:

1. Is he a good father?

2. Is he a good provider?

3. Do you love him?

4. Did he gamble before you got married if so did you know about it then you have to look at that because he didn't just start a new habit and you were aware of it.

5. If you leave him will it make things better for you and your kids?

6. Would you be able to maintain your same life style of living without him and his support because two heads are better then one?

7. Do you feel as if you could one day have a future with him better then what you have now is he worth keeping?

8. When you look at him do you see any good in him or qualities you really like about him?

9. Have you ever been at fault are you prefect because everyone deserve a chance

10. Does he want a divorce and would it benefit you and the kids in the long run to be without him.

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Specializes in heading for NICU.

I'm in a very similar situation only my husband does not have a gambling problem or anything like that.

I've been married 12 1/2 years and I have personally chosen to stick it out until I graduate and find a job so that I can support myself and my two kids on my own. I've been a stay at home mom for 9 years. I graduate Dec. 2008 from Nursing School.

If you need someone to talk to that understands feel free to PM me anytime.

hey I'm originally from MI...something else in common lol.

Good luck!

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Specializes in future speciality interest: Nurse Midwif.

I understand where you're coming from. I'm not married but I am having problems trying to get my son's father to be more active in our son's life. My fear is my son growing up without that important male figure in his life. The similarity is the person you care about (you may or maynot love) have their priorities in the wrong order, which is affecting you and your family.

My opinion is to stick it out until you're done with school. Trying to go through the procedures of a divorce can really be distracting to you're school work and nursing school is already stressful itself. If things don't start to change for the best then go ahead and do what you have to do.

I know how irritable it is to be around someone who you want to do better but their agenda is soooo far different from your's.

The way I see it, that person's goal in life will always be the same. Whether the person has an addiction to something,

exhibit irrsponsiblity behaviors, lack of commintment, etc

you have to pull yourself out of their radius and take care of yourself.

The change will only start in that persons heart.

I wish you the best in school and your personal situation.

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

I'd like to gently suggest you try an Al-Anon meeting. If that's too much for you, get a copy of the book "How Al-Anon Works." Substitute the word gambling for alcohol and see if you don't find some serenity for yourself and your family.

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Well that depends on a couple of things are you going to leave him after you finish school? If not then stay with him. Also can you support yourself without him? If so what are you waiting for if you really want to leave? No time like the present. One more thing try to get counseling again because you do have the kids and it can really effect their life also. Take it from a women with four children also and I tried to leave my husband and my kids were very sad so I came back and we are back into counseling again things are better. Also gambling is a major issue but you have other things to look at for example:

1. Is he a good father?

2. Is he a good provider?

3. Do you love him?

4. Did he gamble before you got married if so did you know about it then you have to look at that because he didn't just start a new habit and you were aware of it.

5. If you leave him will it make things better for you and your kids?

6. Would you be able to maintain your same life style of living without him and his support because two heads are better then one?

7. Do you feel as if you could one day have a future with him better then what you have now is he worth keeping?

8. When you look at him do you see any good in him or qualities you really like about him?

9. Have you ever been at fault are you prefect because everyone deserve a chance

10. Does he want a divorce and would it benefit you and the kids in the long run to be without him.

1. He is a good father when he wants to be. It is not consistent.

2. He is a good provider when he can cash his paycheck. His business is not doing so well, possible because of the fact that he'd use the bus money to gamble and be at the casino when he should be at work.

3. I love who he use to be, not the person he has become.

4. He didn't gamble b4 we married.

5. I don't know, I wish i did.

6. No the lifestyle would not be as good as it is now. We live in an expensive area but there are other areas around here that are nice and are less $$

7. I hope thngs change and i could trust him again.

8. He has the ability to make me laugh and he can be reassuring when i am scared like starting school lol :)

9. I had a mess up 5 years ago with an ex boyfriend where we kissed and he still is resentful from that.

10. I dont think he wants a divorce but he is sick of fighting which is why he says he is done playing poker. I feel someone who has a problem, an addiction probelm no less, needs professional help. He is not making the effort to get the help.

I am a stay at home mom right now and have no degree but my parents who live in the area are willing to take me and the kids in.

Cheryl

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Check out www.marriagebuilders.com . There may be some good advice there. My opinion is that if you can work it out, that's better than divorce. It doesn't sound 100% like a lost cause from what you say. I wouldn't stay with the idea that it's just until ns ends, that's like using him . . . and I think the older the kids are when a divorce happens, it's harder on them.

Just my .02!

Kelly

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I know he hasn't done everything you have asked for (counseling and writing a letter?) but you say he hasn't played poker in 2 weeks. That does seem like a good start, and what you are really asking for.

It may be a good idea for you to go to counseling yourself if he refuses to go with you. It couldn't hurt, right?

Only you can answer those questions. If he does not change his behavior, it is up to you to change yours, and only you will know when you are ready!

My only advise is not to make threats that you are not ready to take action on. If you tell him that you will leave if he EVER gambles again, than you better be prepared, mentally, emotionally and financially to do it. And then DO IT! If you know that you are not ready, don't say that you are, because things will only get worse.

I know this is a horrible situation, and I understand some of what you are going through. I hope things work out for you.

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Specializes in DOU.

Maybe as an act of good faith, you can get him to agree to remove his name from the bank accounts so he is unable to withdraw money without you knowing about it (in case he has a sudden urge to run to the race track or whatever).

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Specializes in Med/Surg <1; Epic Certified <1.

I'm sorry to hear you are having these issues. I believe your best bet is to determine which will leave you with less stress. Separating or divorcing will be both stressful on you AND the kids, but so is staying in a lousy marriage with constant stress and fighting. I think besides that, your next consideration should be financial. Will staying -- or not -- affect your ability to attend school?

My husband has had financial issues for years, although he doesn't gamble the money away, I've always contended that if he makes a dime, he spends a dollar. And his needs and wants will always come before mine and the kids (who are now all grown, thank God). It's just not going to be easy either way.

That being said, someone mentioned Al-Anon....I've had these types of groups suggested to me in counseling before, although I never attended....here's an excellent book that helped me a great deal, called Codependent No More. Very helpful.

The most important advice I would give you is to take care of yourself and those children first. If you can work this out, give it your best. If he's not willing to put forth the effort, you owe it to yourself and those kids to make a better life, whenever the time is right....

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Specializes in RN- Med/surg.

How were things before you started nursing school, and how long do you have left? I felt so ready to leave my husband while in school...and in the 2 months since I graduated....things have been SOO different. Things prabably won't be easier if you split now. Between financial stress, and support/guardianship, visitation etc...it'll put even MORE stress on you. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.

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