My hubby and I have been married for 8.5 years and have 4 kids together. We have been having a hard time the past almost 2 years. He has a gambling problem and i have lost all trust in him.
He and Iwent to marraige counseling last year and it didnt help.
He doesn't think he has a problem. He hasn't played poker in 2 weeks and because of it he acts as if i should be kissing his feet. I asked him to seek counseling and write me a letter stating that if he should play again to understand that he then leaves me no choice but to file for divorce.
He has not put any effort to do those things and it has been 2 weeks now. It says to me, i am going to do things my way.
I told him today to stay away for a few days that i don't want to see him.
So...
My question is do i "stick it out" until i am done with school or do i look into getting out now?
Do i want a divorce? No not really.
Do i love him? I am not IN LOVE with him. I am very irritable around him. He gets on my nerves so fast. I dont wear my wedding ring anymore.
Life is funny. This is exactly what I have been pondering myself. I have been married for 20 years to a man that is a very bad pack rat to the point where I do not sleep in the same bedroom. We have 2 kids 7 and 11. Just this weekend we went camping for 1 nite and went to an amusement park. I was hoping this would be a real fun experience for all of us. Well it started out nice but we yelled and fought most of the afternoon at the park.
I know this is damaging our kids. I have one more year in a RN program, I also work on the weekends in LTC and they are putting me thru school so I have a job when I am done.
I have been looking for a small apartment but I know this is not the time. I will stick it out, and come May if things are still horrible then I will leave. My mom does not know how bad things are and she has her own issues so I don't want to burden her with mine. She does help watch the kids when she is not busy but does not go out of her way too often only when she has the time or when her boyfriend is busy she is looking for things to do.
So I too am in a very unhappy marriage and have 2 kids and in my last year of nursing school. I also know if I leave him he will make my life even worse because he has said so. So here I sit by myself kids sleeping me crying and life goes on.
Specializes in Accepted...Master's Entry Program, 2008!.
I can't offer advice about whether you should or shouldn't, but I can offer some random thoughts:
To the original question which is "should I wait"....the answer is "no".
I'm divorced myself, and definitely waited at least twice as long as I should have. Life is too short to be unhappy.
If fact, I wouldn't be going to NS if I wasn't divorced. It was only after the divorce that I could actually move forward.
Divorce is much, much harder than you think (probably something to keep in mind). I was so ready for this, and yet the whole process was embarrassing, awkward, and shameful. Of course I am a male and that may or may not make a difference. No matter how ready you think you are, you'll be surprised at the difficulty.
If I were you, I'd do it now and then move forward with NS.
I'm sorry to say how often I've heard of marriages dissolving during or shortly after nursing school -- mine almost went there, too. The most common reason seemed to be that as we were learning and growing as professionals, we had our eyes opened to things in our personal lives that we either didn't see from the beginning (and perhaps should have). We were driven and ambitious, we wanted more and had proven that we were willing to go out there and achieve it.
Sometimes the husbands are seriously threatened by our new-found confidence, especially if we previously were homemakers.
In your situation, though... Well, I wouldn't offer any advice if it weren't requested, but you did so here goes. You married young (I did, too -- was 18, still married after 18 years) -- I don't think this is right or wrong, it just means that the normal ups and downs of a long-term relationship are going to come your way sooner than someone who married in their 30s. But you have more than just a contentment issue here -- your husband has a problem that interferes with his ability to provide consistently for his family. It doesn't matter whether the problem is drinking, or drugs, or gambling, or skirt-chasing -- if it causes negative results in his life, and yet he still continues to do it, he has a problem and needs to get help. No one can make him do this, though you can influence him in this direction.
Yes, you love him, but your first concern should be yourself and your children. If you've had the conversation, "Get help or get out," and he hasn't budged, then you need to. It doesn't really matter whether you're up for this life-change now or later -- if you stay in an unhappy union, it will continue to be a distraction while you are trying to study and better yourself. If you leave now, you will have that stress, but you will be on your way to making your life (and the lives of your children) better. Staying together "for the kids" is not a reasonable option. There is too much risk that he may go off one day and gamble away everything.
You have a safe place to go. Go there. It is possible that once he sees that you are serious that he will get help. Regardless, it is not good for your kids to see you torn up over this -- they won't understand now, but in the future they will see that you did your best for yourself and for them. And that lesson goes a long way.
Good luck to you.
It is just so hard to make a decision right now. He hasn't been going out to play poker in almost 3 weeks now but he started watching it on tv recently which i feel is a bad idea since it will tempt him. He said he won't go to the casino without talking to me first. My guard is just way up.
Life is funny. This is exactly what I have been pondering myself. I have been married for 20 years to a man that is a very bad pack rat to the point where I do not sleep in the same bedroom. We have 2 kids 7 and 11. Just this weekend we went camping for 1 nite and went to an amusement park. I was hoping this would be a real fun experience for all of us. Well it started out nice but we yelled and fought most of the afternoon at the park.
I know this is damaging our kids. I have one more year in a RN program, I also work on the weekends in LTC and they are putting me thru school so I have a job when I am done.
I have been looking for a small apartment but I know this is not the time. I will stick it out, and come May if things are still horrible then I will leave. My mom does not know how bad things are and she has her own issues so I don't want to burden her with mine. She does help watch the kids when she is not busy but does not go out of her way too often only when she has the time or when her boyfriend is busy she is looking for things to do.
So I too am in a very unhappy marriage and have 2 kids and in my last year of nursing school. I also know if I leave him he will make my life even worse because he has said so. So here I sit by myself kids sleeping me crying and life goes on.
I believe your husband knows that you are upset. I believe he knows you might be debating leaving. He probably doesn't believe your reasons are justified. Somehow, this has eluded him in your therapy and shame on the therapist.
Shame on the husband who didn't listen to the wife or the therapist trying to explain that he has a sickness that is ruining his life, and possibly the lives of those around him. To blame this on a therapist is ludicrous!
He stopped gambling for a couple of weeks, in hopes that you would shut up about it. More than likely, he's on the brink of ending it as well. He probably see's you as a nag. If it has gotten to this point, and you want to resolve this, I suggest finding a family therapist that comes highly recommended. Ask your Psych prof or someone with experience in the field to recommend. The bottom line is that the best result would be that you two are able to work this out for the sake of the family. I also suggest that you do more listening. He probably had just as many issues with you that you don't take too seriously. The combination of both of you not listening to each other will destroy the marriage.
I had to reply to this post. I am furious. Gambling is an addictive, sick behavior. The majority of folks who have this sickness, disease, addiction -- whatever you want to call it, have a very difficult time overcoming it. Those who don't, destroy many lives in their wake. Read up on Alcoholics Anonymous or Gambler's Anonymous. They'll take anyone around them down with them as they sink deeper and deeper in to their addiction. The fact that he has quit for 3 weeks is NOT an indication that he is "cured". It MIGHT be an indication he is trying to stop and understands her frustration and the seriousness of what's happening, but it does not mean he's cured or that she needs to do more listening.
My husband and I have been married almost 30 years. One of his best buddies was married the week before we got married. His wife endured years of his gambling -- to the point he had "people" looking for him because he owed them money; they lost a house; he lost job after job; he borrowed HUGE sums of money from his friends/family, etc. She went to school and got her teaching degree. She taught while she finished raising their only child. Once that child was admitted and moved to Stanford University, she left him in FL and headed back to her family in CA. She hasn't looked back. We saw him a few weeks ago. He's 52, haggard, broke, owes everyone money, his family won't deal with him, and doesn't have a pot to pee in. His daughter has very little contact with him and has moved to New York since she graduated college.
I had a step-father who had a son with the same issue. It was brutal to watch and hear about.
To try to pin any amount of blame on this poster for her husband's gambling is like blaming her for his alcoholism or drug problems.
When the time's right, she'll know it if HE doesn't fix his issues first. She has already mentioned she has lost respect and probably love for him. I'd say she's pretty close to that point and he'd better cowboy up or he's in for a very lonely life. Obviously, the pastor has seen this up close and personal which is probably the reason he has given her the advice he has. I bet he's seen this same issue destroy other families in the past.
Shame on the husband who didn't listen to the wife or the therapist trying to explain that he has a sickness that is ruining his life, and possibly the lives of those around him. To blame this on a therapist is ludicrous!
I had to reply to this post. I am furious. Gambling is an addictive, sick behavior. The majority of folks who have this sickness, disease, addiction -- whatever you want to call it, have a very difficult time overcoming it. Those who don't, destroy many lives in their wake. Read up on Alcoholics Anonymous or Gambler's Anonymous. They'll take anyone around them down with them as they sink deeper and deeper in to their addiction. The fact that he has quit for 3 weeks is NOT an indication that he is "cured". It MIGHT be an indication he is trying to stop and understands her frustration and the seriousness of what's happening, but it does not mean he's cured or that she needs to do more listening.
My husband and I have been married almost 30 years. One of his best buddies was married the week before we got married. His wife endured years of his gambling -- to the point he had "people" looking for him because he owed them money; they lost a house; he lost job after job; he borrowed HUGE sums of money from his friends/family, etc. She went to school and got her teaching degree. She taught while she finished raising their only child. Once that child was admitted and moved to Stanford University, she left him in FL and headed back to her family in CA. She hasn't looked back. We saw him a few weeks ago. He's 52, haggard, broke, owes everyone money, his family won't deal with him, and doesn't have a pot to pee in. His daughter has very little contact with him and has moved to New York since she graduated college.
I had a step-father who had a son with the same issue. It was brutal to watch and hear about.
To try to pin any amount of blame on this poster for her husband's gambling is like blaming her for his alcoholism or drug problems.
When the time's right, she'll know it if HE doesn't fix his issues first. She has already mentioned she has lost respect and probably love for him. I'd say she's pretty close to that point and he'd better cowboy up or he's in for a very lonely life. Obviously, the pastor has seen this up close and personal which is probably the reason he has given her the advice he has. I bet he's seen this same issue destroy other families in the past.
My pastor has...his uncle has a gambling addiction and ruined his life, etc.
Really though as far as me listening more to him, I have tried that. I try to understand but I can't. I can't understand how someone is the prime breadwinner and has 4 kids and a wife at home can behave this way.
To me it is pure selfishness if he continues since i have drawn the line with him. It is VERY possible he could be at the casino right now. I have been trying to get a hold of him for several hours now and he isn't answering his phone. Its 10pm. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!
My pastor has...his uncle has a gambling addiction and ruined his life, etc.
Really though as far as me listening more to him, I have tried that. I try to understand but I can't. I can't understand how someone is the prime breadwinner and has 4 kids and a wife at home can behave this way.
To me it is pure selfishness if he continues since i have drawn the line with him. It is VERY possible he could be at the casino right now. I have been trying to get a hold of him for several hours now and he isn't answering his phone. Its 10pm. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!
Really, that was my point. Unless he's an absolute dolt, he has heard you....he has heard the therapist, he has heard his parents/siblings/friends/co-workers, etc., tell him that he has a problem. HE knows it, but he probably can't stop it, much as someone with a substance abuse problem can't.
Do you have casinos near you? Don't you have the 1-800-GAMBLERS phone # or something there where he can call and have himself blackballed from the casinos? They do that here. That would be a good first step in putting forth any faith that he's sincere.
Cheryl, none of us can tell you WHAT to do. I just felt compelled to point out that for someone to try to turn around a gambling problem on a spouse is ridiculous. That's not to say that marriage isn't ALWAYS a two-way street, but sometimes there just is a problem that's bigger than "we don't see eye-to-eye on whose turn it is to go to the store to buy the milk" or take the trash out, or whatever. This issue can absolutely trash your life and you know it, the pastor knows it, and perhaps even, your husband knows it.
But you make sure you've got your ducks in a row. Have your support ready. You need to be ready to be somewhat dependent on your parents again. Is the relationship good? How will it be for you as an adult with your own children to be living under their roof again? Can you do it for long? Are the kids ready for this possible upheaval? Which would be less traumatic on them? And how far are you willing to go to stand up for what's right for you and your kids. The one thing you absolutely don't want, as others have pointed out, is to find yourself one day, at about 60, 65, 70, and realize that you have WASTED your life on this relationship. On the other hand, divorce is difficult emotionally, financially, physically, etc. Neither answer will be easy for you.
Life truly is entirely too short to be miserable, particularly at the hands of another's choices for you.
Not necessarily. However I feel my pastor should be interested in helping KEEP the marriage intact since there are 4 little kids involved.
Cheryl
Perhaps he is *thinking* of the kids.
For a clergy person to insist on trying to save an obviously toxic marriage which may have a permanent and negative effect on children is immoral, in my opinion.
I've posted in this thread before and I've read a lot of the advice given here. Some of it is great advice. I just have to add a couple more cents to the conversation, then I'm going to leave it at that.
OP, if you want to save your marriage, save it. Do whatever you are willing to do to make it work - of course, realizing you are only half the equation, (maybe 3/4s.) If you don't want to save it, let it go. No use in dragging it on because you percieve some greater reward in the end by using your husband to finish getting yourself through school. "Using" is the operative word here. When we use people, we know it - and so do they. So, not only do we have to deal with our own conscience, but we have to deal with their resentments.
You two have kids together and unless, as some here have predicted, your husband ends up on skid row, living out of a dumpster with no cell phone, you're probably going to have to deal with him for a long time. Whether you're married, or not. If I were you, I wouldn't want to feel guilty everytime I saw him because I knew I'd taken advantage of him in some way. I'd want to be able to face him with a clean heart, knowing we both, (or just I), tried and it didn't work out.
Your husband has an illness. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. It sounds like he is making an effort to not gamble. He might gamble tomorrow and he might not. I'm sure your fear that he may and your resentment over what he has done in the past is overwhelming you. I know it's very hard, but try to be grateful for today - the day he did not gamble - and leave tomorrow to take care of itself. Look at your husband as a man who did not gamble today. Enjoy that and enjoy him - just for today. And while you are doing that, make sure to take care of yourself, today. Do whatever needs to be done to take care of your school work, your kids and remember to have fun and relax. RELAX. Breathe... and let your husband take care of himself - (even if you don't like how he does it.)
You don't have to make any decisions about your marriage today. Set the problem down. Give it over to a higher power, if you have one. Your answers will come to you when your heart is open and in the right place. They may not come fast, or in the way you expect them, but they will come and they will be right for you.
Shame on the husband who didn't listen to the wife or the therapist trying to explain that he has a sickness that is ruining his life, and possibly the lives of those around him. To blame this on a therapist is ludicrous!
I had to reply to this post. I am furious. Gambling is an addictive, sick behavior. The majority of folks who have this sickness, disease, addiction -- whatever you want to call it, have a very difficult time overcoming it. Those who don't, destroy many lives in their wake. Read up on Alcoholics Anonymous or Gambler's Anonymous. They'll take anyone around them down with them as they sink deeper and deeper in to their addiction. The fact that he has quit for 3 weeks is NOT an indication that he is "cured". It MIGHT be an indication he is trying to stop and understands her frustration and the seriousness of what's happening, but it does not mean he's cured or that she needs to do more listening.
My husband and I have been married almost 30 years. One of his best buddies was married the week before we got married. His wife endured years of his gambling -- to the point he had "people" looking for him because he owed them money; they lost a house; he lost job after job; he borrowed HUGE sums of money from his friends/family, etc. She went to school and got her teaching degree. She taught while she finished raising their only child. Once that child was admitted and moved to Stanford University, she left him in FL and headed back to her family in CA. She hasn't looked back. We saw him a few weeks ago. He's 52, haggard, broke, owes everyone money, his family won't deal with him, and doesn't have a pot to pee in. His daughter has very little contact with him and has moved to New York since she graduated college.
I had a step-father who had a son with the same issue. It was brutal to watch and hear about.
To try to pin any amount of blame on this poster for her husband's gambling is like blaming her for his alcoholism or drug problems.
When the time's right, she'll know it if HE doesn't fix his issues first. She has already mentioned she has lost respect and probably love for him. I'd say she's pretty close to that point and he'd better cowboy up or he's in for a very lonely life. Obviously, the pastor has seen this up close and personal which is probably the reason he has given her the advice he has. I bet he's seen this same issue destroy other families in the past.
I'm sorry that this issue has caused you and your family pain. I too have family members that have this illness. I think that your anger here is a little displaced, however. I, in no way, implied that there was no illness here. I was attempting to give his perspective, not mine. When I said that he stopped for a couple of weeks, in hopes for Cheryl to shut her up, I was merely pointing out what I think his perception may be. Again, not my perception. As for the therapist, I'm sorry if I think the therapist failed to confront her husbands gambling problem. From what I gathered from Cheryl's posts, her husband is still under the impression that he doesn't have a problem. Yes, I believe, in this case, the therapist failed both Cheryl and her husband. This doesn't remove accountablility from Cheryl's husband. The therapist isn't worth the money she's paying him. IF CHERYL WANTS TO WORK THIS OUT, I suggested she get a new one and offered ways to get a good one.
You've been married for 30 years. You know that there are times where you both get on each others nerves. There are times when communication has just broken down or worse, stopped. Just as Cheryl has issues with hubby, I guarantee, Hubby has issues with Cheryl. They may not be on the same level as having a Gambling Addiction, however, if those issues are not addressed as well (as small as they maybe) hubby will not commit to changing as well. IN HIS MIND, he probably doesn't really think he's doing anything wrong.
The bottom line is, only Cheryl knows how dire the situation is. If he has redeeming qualities, try to redeem him. If he refuses, then you know what must be done.
The one thing you absolutely don't want, as others have pointed out, is to find yourself one day, at about 60, 65, 70, and realize that you have WASTED your life on this relationship. On the other hand, divorce is difficult emotionally, financially, physically, etc.
Life truly is entirely too short to be miserable, particularly at the hands of another's choices for you.
This is true, but on the other hand, think of how much more richer your love and life would be if you and your husband can work through this. How much more would he appreciate you when you didn't abandon him while he was a sick. How much your kids would look up to your example, when they have marital issues. One day the both of you will be 60, 65, 70 and looking back at this time and realizing that going through this reaffirmed your love and made you a stronger couple.
This is truely a paradoxial issue. Not an easy decision no matter what you decide. I will pray for you and your family and I wish you the very best. We all do.
Above all, do not loose faith. God loves you and he will not abandon you.
I feel for you as a person, wife, and mother. I just want to say that unless your husband can come to grips with his addiction, he will never seek out help, even if he risks losing his family, friends, or worldly possessions. I can say this from my own personal experience. I have been battling my own gambling addiction for the past seven years and I have just recently realized that I had such an addiction. I'm going to tell you that I do not use the word addiction as a crutch for my own weakness, because I admit I am weak with regards to gambling. It is a sickness, a sickness only a true gambler (some are social, others are addicts) can comprehend. For the past several years I discounted my own addiction and passed it off as something trivial and unimportant; little did I know, I was only fooling myself. See, a gambler only seeks help when he/she hits absolute rock bottom. Some people it can take months, years, with others it may take a lifetime; there is no predrawn timeline to hitting that personal bottom. After losing thousands of dollars (senselessly), I was not prepared to call it quits just yet. Honestly, I justified my losses by not purchasing high-ticket items for myself. When I lost, I would just tell myself: "No problem, I just won't buy that laptop for nursing school or pay my tuition yet, I will put it off." I could have paid off my entire nursing school tuition, but I didn't think I had a problem, so I didn't stop gambling. Trust me, a gambler needs to hit rock bottom before he/she admits to needing help. I can not reiterate this FACT enough to you. Gamblers are not happy unless they lose EVERY dollar and quarter they have in their pockets before they cease their gaming session for the time being. I hit rock bottom when I starting walking around casino floors aimlessly looking for machines or tables to lose my money, not win. Winning did not satisfy me, losing was my ultimate goal. I don't make sense say you? Believe me, it takes an experience parallel to my own to realize you are addicted. I am lucky because I caught myself after seven years, not seventy. I look back at my dumb mistakes and say to myself: "what did I learn?" I learned to be more honest with myself and take hints from my gut instincts more often. I hope to God your husband seeks help BEFORE he has to hit rock bottom, because waiting to do so is not only costly, but obviously emotionally destructive to loved ones in his life. I hope that me giving you my own story can somehow have an effect on how you approach your personal therapy with your husband. I also will be praying for you.
adamsmom
220 Posts
Life is funny. This is exactly what I have been pondering myself. I have been married for 20 years to a man that is a very bad pack rat to the point where I do not sleep in the same bedroom. We have 2 kids 7 and 11. Just this weekend we went camping for 1 nite and went to an amusement park. I was hoping this would be a real fun experience for all of us. Well it started out nice but we yelled and fought most of the afternoon at the park.
I know this is damaging our kids. I have one more year in a RN program, I also work on the weekends in LTC and they are putting me thru school so I have a job when I am done.
I have been looking for a small apartment but I know this is not the time. I will stick it out, and come May if things are still horrible then I will leave. My mom does not know how bad things are and she has her own issues so I don't want to burden her with mine. She does help watch the kids when she is not busy but does not go out of her way too often only when she has the time or when her boyfriend is busy she is looking for things to do.
So I too am in a very unhappy marriage and have 2 kids and in my last year of nursing school. I also know if I leave him he will make my life even worse because he has said so. So here I sit by myself kids sleeping me crying and life goes on.
Thanks for listening.