My hubby and I have been married for 8.5 years and have 4 kids together. We have been having a hard time the past almost 2 years. He has a gambling problem and i have lost all trust in him.
He and Iwent to marraige counseling last year and it didnt help.
He doesn't think he has a problem. He hasn't played poker in 2 weeks and because of it he acts as if i should be kissing his feet. I asked him to seek counseling and write me a letter stating that if he should play again to understand that he then leaves me no choice but to file for divorce.
He has not put any effort to do those things and it has been 2 weeks now. It says to me, i am going to do things my way.
I told him today to stay away for a few days that i don't want to see him.
So...
My question is do i "stick it out" until i am done with school or do i look into getting out now?
Do i want a divorce? No not really.
Do i love him? I am not IN LOVE with him. I am very irritable around him. He gets on my nerves so fast. I dont wear my wedding ring anymore.
Most important...I am sorry you are in this situation. I know it is terribly hard to be in a position where you need think about these things.
I haven't waded through all the posts but here is my 2 cents:
Why does he think it is such a big deal to NOT gamble if he doesn't have a problem. I am not a gambler so not gambling for 2 weeks is unremarkable (as it would be for anyone WTHOUT a problem). He needs to get to Gambler's Anonymous. If he doesn't think he has a problem with gambling then he won't have a problem going.
You need to go to http://www.gam-anon.org/ , find a regular meeting and a sponsor and get yourself a program. Even if he doesn't stop gambling you keep going. I swear it will help you. They won't tell you what to do but you will get to a place where you can decide.
When someone is an addict, of anything, nothing will change until they stop acting on their addiction. Even then, unless they seek specific help for the addiction, they may just stop the primary behavior and retain the other associated behaviors (like you hubby thinking his poop doesn't stink because he hasn't gambled for 2 weeks).
To the extent you can I would separate your finances. If you can get him to agree to have his pay deposited directly into the bank, do so -- many employers offer this option now so I wouldn't believe him if he says he can't. You say he owns a company? How is it set up? Can he borrow against the company without your consent...blah blah blah. Have you run a credit check on your names and the company?
Wether you are going to divorce or not I would get a recommendation from a trusted friend for a good lawyer and get some advice on how to protect yourself and your children financially. It happens that the type of lawyer who will be best at this will be a divorce lawyer. Don't let that put you off. You need good, solid, professional advice from someone who understands YOUR state laws.
I really wish you all the best in this. Sometimes this stuff seems unbearably hard particularly when we haven't made a decision on how to proceed. Surround yourself with people who care about you and look after yourself.
"To me it is pure selfishness if he continues since i have drawn the line with him. It is VERY possible he could be at the casino right now. I have been trying to get a hold of him for several hours now and he isn't answering his phone. Its 10pm. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!"
This is why you need to go to Gam-anon. Living with someone who has an addiction/problem like this changes you. It makes you do things like call the cell phone every 15 minutes or just generally obsess over what "he" is doing. It is extremely unhealthy for you to keep engaging in this kind of behavior. You need the skills to deal with this stuff and you will learn them at Gam-anon.
well, i am going through a similar situation myself. my ex-fiance and i have been together for five years, we have gone through counseling and all to try and get us back on track towards marriage--we also have a 2 year old son together. unfortunately it was after i got pregnant and moved in with him that i found out what a controlling, emotionally abusive person he is and had to terminate the engagement. so now we are in separate dominciles after 3 years of living together. my situation is more like a divorce than a break up because we had been engaged for eight months before i got pregnant so there was a vested interest (by both of us) in a life/family together and he is very outraged over our separation and will fight me tooth and nail for custody of our son. most unmarried mothers enjoy the luxury (and yes i see it as a luxury) of having men who aren't really interested in parenting and having a family with them. a scorned man is much worse when they try and sabatoge you at every opportunity. i wish i had waited until after nursing school to do the separation because it is a big distraction. however, i was starting to get physically abused and absolutely needed to get out of the situation.
DolceVita, ADN, BSN, RN
1,565 Posts
Most important...I am sorry you are in this situation. I know it is terribly hard to be in a position where you need think about these things.
I haven't waded through all the posts but here is my 2 cents:
Why does he think it is such a big deal to NOT gamble if he doesn't have a problem. I am not a gambler so not gambling for 2 weeks is unremarkable (as it would be for anyone WTHOUT a problem). He needs to get to Gambler's Anonymous. If he doesn't think he has a problem with gambling then he won't have a problem going.
You need to go to http://www.gam-anon.org/ , find a regular meeting and a sponsor and get yourself a program. Even if he doesn't stop gambling you keep going. I swear it will help you. They won't tell you what to do but you will get to a place where you can decide.
When someone is an addict, of anything, nothing will change until they stop acting on their addiction. Even then, unless they seek specific help for the addiction, they may just stop the primary behavior and retain the other associated behaviors (like you hubby thinking his poop doesn't stink because he hasn't gambled for 2 weeks).
To the extent you can I would separate your finances. If you can get him to agree to have his pay deposited directly into the bank, do so -- many employers offer this option now so I wouldn't believe him if he says he can't. You say he owns a company? How is it set up? Can he borrow against the company without your consent...blah blah blah. Have you run a credit check on your names and the company?
Wether you are going to divorce or not I would get a recommendation from a trusted friend for a good lawyer and get some advice on how to protect yourself and your children financially. It happens that the type of lawyer who will be best at this will be a divorce lawyer. Don't let that put you off. You need good, solid, professional advice from someone who understands YOUR state laws.
I really wish you all the best in this. Sometimes this stuff seems unbearably hard particularly when we haven't made a decision on how to proceed. Surround yourself with people who care about you and look after yourself.