My hubby and I have been married for 8.5 years and have 4 kids together. We have been having a hard time the past almost 2 years. He has a gambling problem and i have lost all trust in him.
He and Iwent to marraige counseling last year and it didnt help.
He doesn't think he has a problem. He hasn't played poker in 2 weeks and because of it he acts as if i should be kissing his feet. I asked him to seek counseling and write me a letter stating that if he should play again to understand that he then leaves me no choice but to file for divorce.
He has not put any effort to do those things and it has been 2 weeks now. It says to me, i am going to do things my way.
I told him today to stay away for a few days that i don't want to see him.
So...
My question is do i "stick it out" until i am done with school or do i look into getting out now?
Do i want a divorce? No not really.
Do i love him? I am not IN LOVE with him. I am very irritable around him. He gets on my nerves so fast. I dont wear my wedding ring anymore.
I just want to say thank you again to all who have posted. It means more then words can say. This has been so hard for me but i will continue to pray that all will work out the way God intends.
Specializes in med/surg/tele/neuro/rehab/corrections.
Nursing does enable a woman to make a life of her own. I've heard that the divorce rate is high for nurses for that reason. No need to stay in a bad marriage.
Have you started making plans? Sounds like you need to keep your money safe from your gambler husband. Is he on any medication? There are some medications that cause a person to gamble! No kidding! Anyone know about these?
Have you started making plans? Sounds like you need to keep your money safe from your gambler husband. Is he on any medication? There are some medications that cause a person to gamble! No kidding! Anyone know about these?
I believe I read somewhere that some people with Parkinson's that have been given certain drugs suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to gamble. I think it has to do with the levels of dopamine in the brain.
Also, I would like to point out that addictive-type behaviors can be associated with bipolar disorder (the manic part).
I agree with the above poster that any therapist aware of the situation and not focusing on it as a huge problem is not doing their job.
I also agree that decisions should not be made hastily. Cheryl, I hope you are taking steps to protect yourself and your financial situation. You may not be able to control his behavior, but maybe you can take steps control the financial damage, even if he doesn't agree. Some of the suggestions posted here are really good.
You can tell which posters have had experience with addictive-type issues and what they did by their advice. Every situation is so different, and you will know what to do when you are ready. I guess it is true that gamblers need to hit rock bottom before they change, and I suppose that is true for their partners as well - except that everyone's rock bottom is different. Take care of yourself!
Nursing does enable a woman to make a life of her own. I've heard that the divorce rate is high for nurses for that reason. No need to stay in a bad marriage.
Have you started making plans? Sounds like you need to keep your money safe from your gambler husband. Is he on any medication? There are some medications that cause a person to gamble! No kidding! Anyone know about these?
Cheryl, you probably said the words "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health"...and when we say our vows we do not add "if". So stay true to the promises you gave him. Addiction is a sickness, keep looking for help, and plead with God. No human can help you in a way He can.
Marriage is not just like any other relationship, where you can "use and discard" Resolve to stay with him "till death does you part", not until nursing school ends. That will be a whole different attitude!And work on your marriage (you've heard lots of advice here already where to seek help), just do not give up. There are tons of easy routes around, but they won't make you and your family happy. Happy marriages have years and years of hard work invested in them.
I read in every other post "Do what's best for you and your children", and then giving you tips on when it's best to leave. let me tell you, when my parents were going through rough times in marriage, as a child, I did not care how they felt, and what would be best for them in a long run, because I was a child, and all I wanted was to have a family with a mom and a dad, living under the same roof. My mom worked very hard to save the marriage, and I am very thankful to her for the childhood that chose not to take away from me.
God bless you, and I am disappointed that your pastor is giving you such an advice. he must have never experienced the undeserved love and forgiveness of Christ.
Not necessarily. However I feel my pastor should be interested in helping KEEP the marriage intact since there are 4 little kids involved.
Cheryl
I have a girlfriend that was married to a gambling, cheating jerk and her pastor told her to run the other way too. Some men are very wise! I don't think a pastor would tell someone to ditch their marriage partner without reason or without care. I think you should only ditch him right now if you don't need him to help with childcare while you take classes. If he isn't going to be any sort of support for you during nursing school, why stick around? What if you tried a seperation?
I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive. Looks like my opinion will be in the minority here, but here goes. I truly don't believe that gambling is an addiction in the true sense of the word. I think it is a deliberate choice. Calling it an "illness" takes away the power of the individual to change. Is it greed induced by the temptation of easy money? Maybe. Is it needing to look like the "Big Man"? Maybe that too. When a person chooses the casino over the grocery store, I think that person is dealing with immaturity, irresponsibility and selfishness issues, not a sickness. Self control is what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.
Gambling, sex, over-eating, shopping, video gaming...all of these habits have been labeled as addictions or illnesses. Call it whatever you want, but I think, as humans, we pretty much do exactly as we please.
In any case Cheryl, you are smart to consider what a future with this type of person will mean. And, it's good that you're preparing for your future, regardless of your marital situation.
Whatever you decide to do, my one piece of advice (for what it's worth)...don't fool yourself into thinking that a divorce will make things easier. Trust me, it doesn't. It won't solve any of your current problems, you'll just be dealing with different problems. It's wise to take your time and not make any rash or emotional decisions.
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I wish you the best and will be thinking of you.
When a person chooses the casino over the grocery store, I think that person is dealing with immaturity, irresponsibility and selfishness issues, not a sickness. Self control is what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.
Gambling, sex, over-eating, shopping, video gaming...all of these habits have been labeled as addictions or illnesses. Call it whatever you want, but I think, as humans, we pretty much do exactly as we please.
Normally, I would have to say that I agree with you 100%. However, I have witnessed firsthand what a mentally ill bipolar person in a very manic state is capable of, and I don't believe such a person has much control over himself. And it usually takes hospitalization to get on the right meds to become stable. I think you would agree that most of us would describe mental illness as an illness. So if one of the symptoms involves the person behaving like an irresponsible, selfish, immature jerk then what????
I don't know what category the op's husband falls in. Maybe he is simply a jerk. Maybe not. But I think you should keep an open mind and perhaps when you study a bit of psychiatry, you may have a different opinion.
That being said....... I do think that many, many people hide under the label of "illness" and gives them the excuse to continue to behave badly. I seriously doubt that everyone that exhibits addictive behaviors is mentally ill, but unfortunately a large percentage of mentally ill people do have addictive behaviors.
I have a girlfriend that was married to a gambling, cheating jerk and her pastor told her to run the other way too. Some men are very wise! I don't think a pastor would tell someone to ditch their marriage partner without reason or without care. I think you should only ditch him right now if you don't need him to help with childcare while you take classes. If he isn't going to be any sort of support for you during nursing school, why stick around? What if you tried a seperation?
I just typed this whole message and I lost it.
Anyways we did spend some time apart. I stayed in the house with the kids and he stayed away for a week but he wasn't willing to stay away any longer which i felt was very selfish of him.
Someone here mentioned the marriage builders website. I ordered the books and workbook that hubby and I are going to work on together.
I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive. Looks like my opinion will be in the minority here, but here goes. I truly don't believe that gambling is an addiction in the true sense of the word. I think it is a deliberate choice. Calling it an "illness" takes away the power of the individual to change. Is it greed induced by the temptation of easy money? Maybe. Is it needing to look like the "Big Man"? Maybe that too. When a person chooses the casino over the grocery store, I think that person is dealing with immaturity, irresponsibility and selfishness issues, not a sickness. Self control is what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.
Gambling, sex, over-eating, shopping, video gaming...all of these habits have been labeled as addictions or illnesses. Call it whatever you want, but I think, as humans, we pretty much do exactly as we please.
In any case Cheryl, you are smart to consider what a future with this type of person will mean. And, it's good that you're preparing for your future, regardless of your marital situation.
Whatever you decide to do, my one piece of advice (for what it's worth)...don't fool yourself into thinking that a divorce will make things easier. Trust me, it doesn't. It won't solve any of your current problems, you'll just be dealing with different problems. It's wise to take your time and not make any rash or emotional decisions.
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I wish you the best and will be thinking of you.
INSENSITIVE. Are you kidding. I agree with you 100%!!
I don't feel gambling is an addiction either. Your body doesn't NEED it like someone who for instance has a drug problem.
Its all about choices. Hubby can choose me and his kids OR the casino. Easy as that. Just a matter of making the right choice.
Someone mentioned the marriage vows. Yes i said them but in the end I am going to do what my heart and head says to do with the help of God.
not married, but as a child from a "broken home" i do have opinions on the matter (my parents seperated several times while i was a child to divorce when i was in college - my mother was an alcoholic).
if your kids are not actively involved in the goings on as of now, get them involved - therapy, counseling, etc. i guarantee they know something's wrong even if you think you've protected them from it. and if they don't get it now, they'll really, really need it later. i can't remember how old you said they were, but maybe try alateen (al-anon for kids)
DO NOT stay together for the kids. if the kids are the only thing you are staying together for, you need to divorce. growing up the product of a loveless marriage most likely will screw up your kids beyond belief.
divorce is not easy, but it's necessary sometimes.
someone on here mentioned the book co-dependent no more - it's a great book, i highly recommend it.
cdietrich404
114 Posts
I just want to say thank you again to all who have posted. It means more then words can say. This has been so hard for me but i will continue to pray that all will work out the way God intends.
Cheryl