My hubby and I have been married for 8.5 years and have 4 kids together. We have been having a hard time the past almost 2 years. He has a gambling problem and i have lost all trust in him.
He and Iwent to marraige counseling last year and it didnt help.
He doesn't think he has a problem. He hasn't played poker in 2 weeks and because of it he acts as if i should be kissing his feet. I asked him to seek counseling and write me a letter stating that if he should play again to understand that he then leaves me no choice but to file for divorce.
He has not put any effort to do those things and it has been 2 weeks now. It says to me, i am going to do things my way.
I told him today to stay away for a few days that i don't want to see him.
So...
My question is do i "stick it out" until i am done with school or do i look into getting out now?
Do i want a divorce? No not really.
Do i love him? I am not IN LOVE with him. I am very irritable around him. He gets on my nerves so fast. I dont wear my wedding ring anymore.
I could have written your post. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and the past 2 1/2 have been the worst years of our marriage due to his gambling problem. He actually left me last december(and I started the nursing program in January). We have since tried to reconcile things but it is really hard. We are actually legally seperated because I DO NOT trust him. Gambling is such a hard addiction to deal with. It was horrible when he left and even though I hate dealing with the gambling issues, I would rather him be here than not. I don't think I have any advice, other than put your foot down and stick with whatever you say. It has been a very long and hard road but I hope that we are on our way to recovery. I graduate in December of 08 so if things don't get better in our marriage then I will be able to support myself(and my daughter). Even if things started heading downhill again, I think that I would still stay until I was done with school. Let me know if you ever want to talk, it sounds like we are in similar situations.
I completely understand what you are feeling right now. I used to be in a very unhappy marriage. What people do not realize is that when you are unhappy, your whole life seems empty. I too had two young children, and I had to be the adult and say," Okay, our kids will be sad and it will be a struggle, but they will be better off in the long run". Honestly, if you are not happy, your kids can sense it. I would rather my kids see me make something of myself and make my life better, than to have them think that it is okay to be unhappy and to settle. But I was not in school at the time either. Can you still continue to support yourself and your kids and go to school if you leave? If you can then go for it. If not, stay until you are done. Anyway, don't apologize for rambling. A lot of us are or have been in your shoes. I wish you the best of luck and much happiness.
My hubby and I have been married for 8.5 years and have 4 kids together. We have been having a hard time the past almost 2 years. He has a gambling problem and i have lost all trust in him.
He and Iwent to marraige counseling last year and it didnt help.
He doesn't think he has a problem. He hasn't played poker in 2 weeks and because of it he acts as if i should be kissing his feet. I asked him to seek counseling and write me a letter stating that if he should play again to understand that he then leaves me no choice but to file for divorce.
He has not put any effort to do those things and it has been 2 weeks now. It says to me, i am going to do things my way.
I told him today to stay away for a few days that i don't want to see him.
So...
My question is do i "stick it out" until i am done with school or do i look into getting out now?
Do i want a divorce? No not really.
Do i love him? I am not IN LOVE with him. I am very irritable around him. He gets on my nerves so fast. I dont wear my wedding ring anymore.
My hubby and I have been married for 8.5 years and have 4 kids together. We have been having a hard time the past almost 2 years. He has a gambling problem and i have lost all trust in him.
Cheryl, if you decide to stay until you are done with nursing school, you better prepare yourself for a very ugly divorce. I say this because my first wife and I divorced just after her getting her RN license here in the U.S.
All I was to her was a green card and an RN license, the feelings of being used were overwhelming...we didn't have much as I had just gotten out of the military but I was ready for the long haul nasty divorce because I was so angry, I instead saw the benifit of just getting rid of her, so I just signed the papers and we went our seperate ways...no kids so that made it a bit easier.
Good luck to you...I have had some classmates struggle with ex-spouse issues during school and it is real tough for them trying to maintain focus.
P2
I am not implying anything in regards to your motivation, just what the perception could be on his part.
I'm probabaly the only one with this view, if your parents are willing to take you and your children in, I would take them up on that offer, if your husband has proven less than reliable in the past, NS has hectic crazy schedueles that often require those of us with kids to make early morning plans for how to get kids to school or daycare since clinicals often start well before most daycares are open, at times you could get out of school later than they are open, the stress of where is he, is he gambling again, and generally walking on eggshells could be totally conterproductive to schooling, yet at the same time might make him really thoroughly take stock of him and who he has become, I wish you all the best in school!
I thought I'd give you the male perspective. I'm married with child and also going through a difficult marriage during nursing school. It's easy to look at this and think it would be less stressful if we just gotten rid of those that frustrate us. I choose to stick it out. I love my wife. I miss what we used to be. I believe we can get that back. But, it's going to take an extraordinary amout of effort on both of our parts.
I believe your husband knows that you are upset. I believe he knows you might be debating leaving. He probably doesn't believe your reasons are justified. Somehow, this has eluded him in your therapy and shame on the therapist. He stopped gambling for a couple of weeks, in hopes that you would shut up about it. More than likely, he's on the brink of ending it as well. He probably see's you as a nag. If it has gotten to this point, and you want to resolve this, I suggest finding a family therapist that comes highly recommended. Ask your Psych prof or someone with experience in the field to recommend. The bottom line is that the best result would be that you two are able to work this out for the sake of the family. I also suggest that you do more listening. He probably had just as many issues with you that you don't take too seriously. The combination of both of you not listening to each other will destroy the marriage.
It seems that your husband has redeeming qualities and may have just lost focus on the priorities in his life. I apploud you for sticking with him thus far and not allowing his behavior destroy the family. I wish you and yours the best. Good luck and God Bless!
As someone who got out of a marriage 3.5 months before school ended with NO job I can tell you if you are close to done I would wait it out. It has been VERY hard going to school and caring for 3(let alone 4) kids with little to no income. I haveh to move in with family and rack up debt to get by. However if things are unbearable and you have a good support system I say go for it. Good luck and I am so sorry you are going through this.
You now what really bothers me is my pastor, MY PASTOR, says to me "RUN DONT WALK" in regards to the marriage.
I don't know why that should bother you. If a reputable clergy person advises you to leave, it must be bad...They are generally not supportive of breaking up families. Are you looking for support in staying?
My LVN teacher told everyone in the class at Oreintation...
During the course of nursing school, Ladies, be ready for a bad relationship to get worse or end altogether. Through the years I have seen hundreds of girls do the same thing you all are about to go through. If you are in a rocky relationship now, you have three weeks to either brake it off or fix things. You will not have time to worry about what (insert name here) is doing you are learning to improve YOUR life and help others. During this process you will become a different person. Is the new you willing to put up with the same old HIM? Think about it and I will see you all on the first day of class.
So now you have to think about what is best for you and Your CHILDREN. If your parents can help by all means take their help. I know I would be lost if it wasn't for my mother. Its been a long hard road to travel but what in life really comes to you easily? Good luck to you, Dusty
I don't know why that should bother you. If a reputable clergy person advises you to leave, it must be bad...They are generally not supportive of breaking up families. Are you looking for support in staying?
Not necessarily. However I feel my pastor should be interested in helping KEEP the marriage intact since there are 4 little kids involved.
Specializes in Acute Hemodialysis, Cardiac, ICU, OR.
1. He is a good father when he wants to be. It is not consistent.
2. He is a good provider when he can cash his paycheck. His business is not doing so well, possible because of the fact that he'd use the bus money to gamble and be at the casino when he should be at work.
3. I love who he use to be, not the person he has become.
4. He didn't gamble b4 we married.
5. I don't know, I wish i did.
6. No the lifestyle would not be as good as it is now. We live in an expensive area but there are other areas around here that are nice and are less $$
7. I hope thngs change and i could trust him again.
8. He has the ability to make me laugh and he can be reassuring when i am scared like starting school lol :)
9. I had a mess up 5 years ago with an ex boyfriend where we kissed and he still is resentful from that.
10. I dont think he wants a divorce but he is sick of fighting which is why he says he is done playing poker. I feel someone who has a problem, an addiction probelm no less, needs professional help. He is not making the effort to get the help.
I am a stay at home mom right now and have no degree but my parents who live in the area are willing to take me and the kids in.
Cheryl
Cheryl,
I'm sorry to say how often I've heard of marriages dissolving during or shortly after nursing school -- mine almost went there, too. The most common reason seemed to be that as we were learning and growing as professionals, we had our eyes opened to things in our personal lives that we either didn't see from the beginning (and perhaps should have). We were driven and ambitious, we wanted more and had proven that we were willing to go out there and achieve it.
Sometimes the husbands are seriously threatened by our new-found confidence, especially if we previously were homemakers.
In your situation, though... Well, I wouldn't offer any advice if it weren't requested, but you did so here goes. You married young (I did, too -- was 18, still married after 18 years) -- I don't think this is right or wrong, it just means that the normal ups and downs of a long-term relationship are going to come your way sooner than someone who married in their 30s. But you have more than just a contentment issue here -- your husband has a problem that interferes with his ability to provide consistently for his family. It doesn't matter whether the problem is drinking, or drugs, or gambling, or skirt-chasing -- if it causes negative results in his life, and yet he still continues to do it, he has a problem and needs to get help. No one can make him do this, though you can influence him in this direction.
Yes, you love him, but your first concern should be yourself and your children. If you've had the conversation, "Get help or get out," and he hasn't budged, then you need to. It doesn't really matter whether you're up for this life-change now or later -- if you stay in an unhappy union, it will continue to be a distraction while you are trying to study and better yourself. If you leave now, you will have that stress, but you will be on your way to making your life (and the lives of your children) better. Staying together "for the kids" is not a reasonable option. There is too much risk that he may go off one day and gamble away everything.
You have a safe place to go. Go there. It is possible that once he sees that you are serious that he will get help. Regardless, it is not good for your kids to see you torn up over this -- they won't understand now, but in the future they will see that you did your best for yourself and for them. And that lesson goes a long way.
sumthnspecial
74 Posts
I could have written your post. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and the past 2 1/2 have been the worst years of our marriage due to his gambling problem. He actually left me last december(and I started the nursing program in January). We have since tried to reconcile things but it is really hard. We are actually legally seperated because I DO NOT trust him. Gambling is such a hard addiction to deal with. It was horrible when he left and even though I hate dealing with the gambling issues, I would rather him be here than not. I don't think I have any advice, other than put your foot down and stick with whatever you say. It has been a very long and hard road but I hope that we are on our way to recovery. I graduate in December of 08 so if things don't get better in our marriage then I will be able to support myself(and my daughter). Even if things started heading downhill again, I think that I would still stay until I was done with school. Let me know if you ever want to talk, it sounds like we are in similar situations.