Let me preface that I am about 7.5 months pregnant. This is a vent as I am unsure if this topic has been discussed before. If it has been, please humor me.
I have an obvious bump. Let's just say that a few times, I have been caught off guard by people who have rubbed my belly or have attempted to rub my belly. It makes me feel so incredibly violated. If the person is a woman I know and at least asks, I don't mind at all. However, when the unsolicited toucher was my fiance's male co-worker, it sent chills down my spine. We were at a wedding. Both my fiance and I were just too shocked and annoyed at the same time to react at all.
Upon telling my female supervisor that I was pregnant when I was about 3 months along, I let her know ahead of time that I do not want to be bombarded with belly rubs or probing questions. I am incredibly private and I wanted my privacy respected my colleagues. I suppose she felt she was the exception to my wishes. Every time she would see me, she would ask the most intrusive questions. She even asked if my fiance and I were getting married. She is incredibly religious but still, that is highly inappropriate and judgmental and not at all a professional question to ask in the work place. She would also ask me questions about pursuing nursing school and how I would pay for child care. Her words and tone of voice implied I owed her some sort of an explanation and that if I cared about my child, I'd abandon the prospect of nursing school altogether. Seriously?
I suffered with some terrible allergies in the beginning of my pregnancy. As a responsible, educated woman, I pursued information and knowledge from my OBGYN rather than turning to google or facebook for information. She and her nursing staff told me what was okay to take and I followed their advice. My boss felt completely okay with interrogating me about my allergies and what medicines I was taking. When I would tell her what I was taking, she would flat out imply my OBGYN was wrong and that I was hurting my baby by having the audactiy to seek any sort of relief from my terrible allergies. Why do I owe anyone an explanation for such a personal topic? She would even make comments about my backside and tell me how I don't look pregnant from behind. This often involved asking me to turn around so she could basically see my behind!
One day, she runs up to me giggling like a blithering idiot and reaches out with both hands to rub my belly. This was the last straw for me. I backed away and put both hands over my belly and asked her not to touch me. She looks at me, shocked, and responds "oh you don't like that?" with an offended tone of voice as if I were wrong for not wanting to be touched. She then proceeded to ask me to turn around to see my backside and I begrudgingly obliged. Since this whole incident, she has left me alone. I find it deplorable that she acts as if I was the one who was wrong for not wanting to be poked and prodded and having my privacy invaded. What I've written here doesn't begin to cover how uncomfortable she's made me feel.
I told my OBGYN about the belly touching and the behavior of my boss. Sadly, she told me she hears stories like this all the time from her patients. Unsolicited advice, probing questions, belly rubbing, rude comments. Things most people wouldn't dare say or do to a non pregnant women. It makes me so mad that pregnant women have to go through things like this. I am a human being, not an incubator. I have the right to my privacy and to have my personal space protected. When you reach out to touch my belly without asking, you aren't "feeling my baby". You are being rude and presumptuous by not respecting me enough to ask. Why is it that I am the rude one or the hormonal pregnant lady who needs to chill all because I don't want to be touched or answer a million questions that are no one's business? Never in a million years would I dream of treating a pregnant woman in such a way. Whenever any of my girlfriends were pregnant, the most that ever came from me were compliments and a congratulations. I didn't take that as an opportunity to bombard any of them with questions that weren't my business or unsolicited advice. I kept it at just being happy for them and supportive. What is it with people thinking all boundaries and decorum aren't an issue when it comes to pregnant women? I just don't get it.
Advice? Stories? Thoughts?
OB nurses and nurses in general, have you encountered any patients who voiced similar concerns?
I suppose being different people, we have different personalities and take things differently and look at life differently. My boss is very religious and when she asked if I was getting married, it seemed like it was being asked in a judgmental manner. My co worker was with me in her office when I told her and even she felt this way. In my opinion, if one wants to rub a pregnant belly, they should at least ask first. Especially at work for the sake of professionalism. I love my belly. But, that doesn't mean I want everyone touching it without asking. Again, I suppose it's just a difference of perspective and opinion.
People are just happy for you and love to touch bellies because they think they may be able to feel the baby kick. I think you made need to chill IMO. I've never seen someone pregnant say they want privacy and to not be asked questions etcetera. They Are usually so happy and the baby coming is all they talk about. Maybe it's just the people in my .
I disagree wholeheartedly. As women, we do not get pregnant for the amusement of other people. I think the people who cross the line and think it's okay to rub someone's belly don't stop to think " would I try rubbing her belly if she wasn't pregnant ?" Of course not! Because it would be inappropriate! Just because we cannot hide to the world what's going on while pregnant doesn't mean it's a free for all. Just because it's amazing and beautiful doesn't give anybody a free pass to disregard someone's personal boundaries. I may be wrong but I got the impression you haven't experienced this first hand... If I'm correct then all I can say is revisit this thread down the road if you are pregnant-I promise you, it will get old with a quickness! Even though pregnancy can be wonderful there were many moments that I felt out of control of my own body- like it wasn't just mine anymore.. Mix that emotion with strangers coping a feel? No thanks;)
Questions like "how did your family react".. or "do you plan on getting married" are just out of curiosity.
I think everyone has their own opinion but considering that those questions are private and intrusive to many people it's just better not to ask! How your family reacted might be personal.. Maybe the couple don't plan to marry.. I try to avoid situations That put people on the spot. Because you just never know.. It's safest to just offer a congratulation.
Some people just like to pry and it never ends there.
These people are of the same mentality that think it's okay to ask an onslaught of personal questions after baby is born such as ( from my own experience) :
1.) are you nursing? ( please lets not get on that debate!)
2.) did you deliver lady partslly?( what does that matter? If you didn't know immediately it's probably non of your business.)mind you, this was asked in a crowded grocery store?
AND...
3.) oh- you circumcised him, right? (That one still irks me!)
Specializes in Infusion Nursing, Home Health Infusion.
Irish_Mist.......You have every right to keep your private life private. Your manager is going to learn this one way or the other by your responses. Yes! she may be pushy,nosey,used to other types of people that spill their guts but you just need to outsmart her. You know what kind of person she is now. I am not saying that she is a bad person, just one that likes to know everyone's business. So be prepared with a few key responses so that no matter how creative she is in pumping you for information you will be ready with a quick and polite response. Sometimes just turning the question back on her may help. "What is your favorite sexual position"? What is yours? Often they want to know all your stuff but are unwilling to share theirs! ..Just keep enjoying this very precious time in your life
People only know what you tell them. Don't tell them anything no matter how pressured you feel. So far as strangers touching your belly, I have no advice there and I'm hoping someone will post some nice come backs or gestures that we can respond with. I'm 4 months pregnant and I dread the day when a stranger even thinks about touching my belly. Women I don't mind, but men, ugh grosses me out.
Cream and Sugar, you've expressed so much of what I've been feeling. (((HUGS)))
Being questioned about getting married immediately after you tell your extremely religious boss that you are three months pregnant doesn't exactly seem like curiosity... It comes across as judgmental and rude. What if she doesn't want to get married? Do you think many women put on the spot like that by an overbearing boss feel comfortable with that line of questioning? What if the woman's family didn't react with excitement upon hearing the news of her pregnancy? Do you think she wants to discuss that with someone she has a casual working relationship with? I get that some people may be curious. I'm curious about some things. But, if a topic or question is none of my business, I just don't ask. Just because someone's intentions are innocent doesn't mean their actions, questions or comments aren't rude.
Why is it that someone like me is considered by some to be frigid because I don't want people touching me without my permission excluding close family and friends? I'm close with a couple of co-workers and I am more than happy with them touching my belly. What's ironic is that these women aren't the ones who have asked me a whole slew of invasive questions or touched me without asking. They were genuinely happy for me and didn't feel the need to interrogate me. I love sharing this happy time of my life with them. Why is it that someone like me is considered uptight because I don't want to share extremely personal details or answer extremely personal questions that no one would ask otherwise with someone I'm not close with or don't even know? Why is it that when a woman becomes pregnant, it suddenly becomes okay to ask her a bunch of questions all in the name of curiosity, being happy for her or wanting to "share the joy"?
Never in a million years would I ask someone, especially a woman I don't know in the grocery store, if she delivered lady partslly. What does it matter? The only person who that needs to be discussed with is the woman's doctor. Since methods of child birth, feeding and circumsision topics are usually subjects of strong opinions, I find that the only people who are asking are the ones who will be militant and overbearing with their opinion. No one, especially a stranger, needs to know if your son was circumcised, if you are breast feeding, or how you delivered. It isn't relevant and frankly, none of their business.
I guess different women will look at the subject differently. I am overjoyed and ecstatic to be pregnant with a baby boy fathered by a man I consider to be my one true love. I am thankful for the support I have from family and close friends. What I am not enjoying is the invasiveness that comes from being pregnant. I don't think that makes me a bad or even different person as many women I've spoken to have felt feelings similar to mine. Being pregnant is an emotional roller coaster. My body has changed dramatically and my hormones have sky rocketed. While being pregnant has been enjoyable, it has also been difficult in some ways. It has made me feel better just to write my feelings out on here and discuss it.
People only know what you tell them. Don't tell them anything no matter how pressured you feel. So far as strangers touching your belly, I have no advice there and I'm hoping someone will post some nice come backs or gestures that we can respond with. I'm 4 months pregnant and I dread the day when a stranger even thinks about touching my belly. Women I don't mind, but men, ugh grosses me out.
This has been the policy I've adopted. My dad's advice as well as that of a respected mentor of mine is to respond with "Why do you want to know?" in a polite voice when asked a question you don't want to answer. People will likely back track when they are questioned as to why they want to know.
The idea of men rubbing my belly besides my fiance or my dad grosses me out. My own dad doesn't even want to touch my belly simply because he thinks its weird. I felt so grossed out my fiance's male co-worker rubbed my belly. That man has always creeped me out anyway so that probably contributed even more toward how I felt about the situation. I haven't been rubbed by a stranger yet. Thank God for that!
I think when people see a pregnant belly, their mind shuts off all the bad, negative thoughts and start thinking about the joy of newborns and babies. People who have been through it, it brings them back to the time when it was them. They feel a connection that really isn’t there.
I wonder if it’s possible if humans are wired to respond this way. To ‘naturally’ want to take care of women who are pregnant. I’ve seen some harden persons go all goofy over the issue.
Of course, now days things are sorta different. We should always give a helping hand when needed. But we don’t need to feel bonded. And the pregnant persons don’t need the group as in the past.
That doesn’t mean that it is wrong to be upset over all the touching and personal questions. Times have changed. But the wiring would still be there. And if a person has never thought about it or had it brought to their attention, people tend to react in auto mode. Touching their bellys back is a good way to make them think about what they are doing.
As for the questions and opinions. Yea, that is staying. Even after your kids are grown. Welcome to the club. It’s one of those topics that people use to bond over or start a conversation. The trick is to learn not to take it personal and realize it’s all just opinions and you do NOT have to follow any of it. I learned to ask them questions, making them think I was interested and just did my own thing. Even used phrases like “they do a new thing now.”
Over all, It’s also a holdover from the past. A way to pass down what has been learned, to store in another person’s memory. We have research, books and even the internet today. I know there has been times that I have used such information while parenting. At first I thought it all stupid. But when all else was failing, I started to recall all the stories, opinions, etc. Then logically used some of it.
The most important thing, don’t take it personal. It isn’t just you. If they ask questions, turn it around and get them to talk about the subject. That is what they really want to do. Talk about babies.
Your boss, she takes the cake. Have you tried complaining to her about OTHERS over stepping the bounds that was discussed in the beginning? Sometimes complaining about the issue, while the person over hears it, gives them a different picture of what is going on. Laugh with a co-worker while telling the story about how you rub someone else’s belly to get them to ‘get it.’ Talk about how you are finally starting to realize that everyone’s comments are just opinions that you have to learn to ignore while being nice. Of course, don’t do it while people are doing it to you right then. I think the approach is a passive aggressive way of teaching and setting boundaries.
Of course, all I just said was just my opinion. But a lot of it was how I dealt with the situation.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
Just ask that they not do that. It's that simple. No one means offense or harm; they are just not thinking. It's easy enough to ask they not touch your belly.
People are just happy for you and love to touch bellies because they think they may be able to feel the baby kick. I think you made need to chill IMO. I've never seen someone pregnant say they want privacy and to not be asked questions etcetera. They Are usually so happy and the baby coming is all they talk about. Maybe it's just the people in my circle.
The let me see your backside comment is kind of odd though. But I'm sure she's joking nonetheless. Either way it's weird. Some ppl just have a weird sense of humor.
Have you ever been pregnant? Nobody wants random strangers coming up to you, touching/rubbing your protruding belly, asking all sorts of questions. It's rude but people do it every day without thinking or respecting the woman they're grabbing. I had 3 pts in one day rub my belly, all without asking, and one did it while I was leaning over her taking her BP! I'd shift away from people as they approach me with outstretched arms so they couldn't reach me; if they'd ask I'd say yes (sometimes). I also hated the questions about the weight gain, and people would see my belly, ask my due date, then ask if I was carrying twins because I was so big--one even asked if it was triplets! I only gained 20#, but it was all belly, I didn't look pregnant from the back at all. I'd lost 12# in my first trimester (hyperemesis--if one more person says saltine cracker I'm going to hurt them) but gained that back plus 20 more. I wore a zofran subcu pump for a month so I had to explain that also (again with the suggestions of saltine crackers and ginger ale). Yes, as someone else posted, people will shift their focus from your round self to the baby and will touch your baby's face/hands/legs. Practice evasive manuevers!
It happened to me all the time. Didn't bother me. I do think you are taking things too personally. Why would you think your boss was being judgmental? Are you getting married is a natural question to ask. To me you are being judgmental by saying she was judging you because she is religious. It was a natural question. Also since YOU gave her your medical history, she is going to offer her advice. That is all. If you don't want people in your business do 2 things. One, don't tell your business. Two, tell them it's not their concern. Why do people have such a hard time telling people close to them the truth, but have no problem getting on the Internet and tell a bunch of strangers. Tell you boss how you feel!
Irish_Mist, BSN, RN
489 Posts
I suppose being different people, we have different personalities and take things differently and look at life differently. My boss is very religious and when she asked if I was getting married, it seemed like it was being asked in a judgmental manner. My co worker was with me in her office when I told her and even she felt this way. In my opinion, if one wants to rub a pregnant belly, they should at least ask first. Especially at work for the sake of professionalism. I love my belly. But, that doesn't mean I want everyone touching it without asking. Again, I suppose it's just a difference of perspective and opinion.