Intrusiveness and unwanted touching of pregnant bellies

[Irish_Mist, BSN, RN]

Let me preface that I am about 7.5 months pregnant. This is a vent as I am unsure if this topic has been discussed before. If it has been, please humor me.

I have an obvious bump. Let's just say that a few times, I have been caught off guard by people who have rubbed my belly or have attempted to rub my belly. It makes me feel so incredibly violated. If the person is a woman I know and at least asks, I don't mind at all. However, when the unsolicited toucher was my fiance's male co-worker, it sent chills down my spine. We were at a wedding. Both my fiance and I were just too shocked and annoyed at the same time to react at all.

Upon telling my female supervisor that I was pregnant when I was about 3 months along, I let her know ahead of time that I do not want to be bombarded with belly rubs or probing questions. I am incredibly private and I wanted my privacy respected my colleagues. I suppose she felt she was the exception to my wishes. Every time she would see me, she would ask the most intrusive questions. She even asked if my fiance and I were getting married. She is incredibly religious but still, that is highly inappropriate and judgmental and not at all a professional question to ask in the work place. She would also ask me questions about pursuing nursing school and how I would pay for child care. Her words and tone of voice implied I owed her some sort of an explanation and that if I cared about my child, I'd abandon the prospect of nursing school altogether. Seriously?

I suffered with some terrible allergies in the beginning of my pregnancy. As a responsible, educated woman, I pursued information and knowledge from my OBGYN rather than turning to google or facebook for information. She and her nursing staff told me what was okay to take and I followed their advice. My boss felt completely okay with interrogating me about my allergies and what medicines I was taking. When I would tell her what I was taking, she would flat out imply my OBGYN was wrong and that I was hurting my baby by having the audactiy to seek any sort of relief from my terrible allergies. Why do I owe anyone an explanation for such a personal topic? She would even make comments about my backside and tell me how I don't look pregnant from behind. This often involved asking me to turn around so she could basically see my behind!

One day, she runs up to me giggling like a blithering idiot and reaches out with both hands to rub my belly. This was the last straw for me. I backed away and put both hands over my belly and asked her not to touch me. She looks at me, shocked, and responds "oh you don't like that?" with an offended tone of voice as if I were wrong for not wanting to be touched. She then proceeded to ask me to turn around to see my backside and I begrudgingly obliged. Since this whole incident, she has left me alone. I find it deplorable that she acts as if I was the one who was wrong for not wanting to be poked and prodded and having my privacy invaded. What I've written here doesn't begin to cover how uncomfortable she's made me feel.

I told my OBGYN about the belly touching and the behavior of my boss. Sadly, she told me she hears stories like this all the time from her patients. Unsolicited advice, probing questions, belly rubbing, rude comments. Things most people wouldn't dare say or do to a non pregnant women. It makes me so mad that pregnant women have to go through things like this. I am a human being, not an incubator. I have the right to my privacy and to have my personal space protected. When you reach out to touch my belly without asking, you aren't "feeling my baby". You are being rude and presumptuous by not respecting me enough to ask. Why is it that I am the rude one or the hormonal pregnant lady who needs to chill all because I don't want to be touched or answer a million questions that are no one's business? Never in a million years would I dream of treating a pregnant woman in such a way. Whenever any of my girlfriends were pregnant, the most that ever came from me were compliments and a congratulations. I didn't take that as an opportunity to bombard any of them with questions that weren't my business or unsolicited advice. I kept it at just being happy for them and supportive. What is it with people thinking all boundaries and decorum aren't an issue when it comes to pregnant women? I just don't get it.

Advice? Stories? Thoughts?

OB nurses and nurses in general, have you encountered any patients who voiced similar concerns?

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

When I was pregnant it was the same thing. Complete strangers in a grocery store would come up to me and touch my abdomen. Women didn't bother me so much...the men I made sure the would think about doing it again.

[Irish_Mist, BSN, RN]

I haven't had complete strangers touch me. I think I ooze the unapproachable vibe. I guess in my case, that is a good and a bad thing. I've been told by many people that I look like I'm mad when really, I'm not mad at all. After being told that by pretty much every person who has mentioned it to me, they then tell me how friendly I am and how they were initially shocked by that. Its kind of funny and sad at the same time. I just have a serious resting facial expression. This is especially true when I'm in the middle of something or focused. I will say I've had people blatantly stare at my bump as if they've never seen a pregnant woman in their life. Its usually men. Blech.

Maybe in August when I'm 9 months, strangers will be more inclined to go in for the kill. I have no issues standing my ground with strangers. Just because someone might mean well doesn't mean their behavior isn't rude. Pregnant women aren't public property. Its just with my boss, I felt like I *had* to put up with her behavior since I didn't want it hurting my job. Men touching my belly is a whole different story. That is just way more creepy to me than a woman doing it.

[RunBabyRN]

I HATE that people think that pregnant bellies are fair game. When I was pregnant, I would shrink away from people if they reached out without asking. Even with people I know well, I ALWAYS ask. My sister-in-law is 36 weeks pregnant now, and I still ask! Of course I always thought it was funny that my father-in-law asked every time, because I felt like, "Of course you can!" but I appreciated his respect.

Maybe you should start rubbing their bellies in return and see how they respond. It might just be the shock that helps them to understand! I always wanted to do this, but was never brave enough. LOL I know I had more than one, "Um, EXCUSE ME?" response to people reaching out! Sometimes it takes a shocking response for them to grasp the horror of what they're doing and how invasive their actions are. I think it's even worse when it's a pregnant belly, as we're so protective of our unborn (and born) children, anyway!

I haven't heard stories yet from patients in postpartum, but when I was in family practice, I did hear about it from patients. We always reassured them that it's perfectly okay to tell people that their actions are not acceptable or are intrusive.

[AmyRN303, BSN, RN]

I had four, and I hated it when strangers would rub my belly without asking. Coworkers? Eh. Didn't bother me. That being said, I'd reciprocate next time someone does it and see what they do. :)

[mrsboots87]

It doesn't stop with pregnancy. I've had people lift the covrr of my corificeat to look at my kids. Ive had strangers touch my kids hands or face. Some people just don't grasp the rudeness of their actions. When a previous poster mentioned rubbing the perpetrators belly back, it really works. I did it quite a few times during both my pregnancies. If someone rubbed my belly without asking, I would rub theirs back. They would usually respond with a befuddled look or a "what are you doing" I would reply "oh, so its not ok to rub your belly without asking?" , and they usually understood and wlked away. I have even gone as far as to act flabbergasted and state I wasn't pregnant. If people are going to be rude, its nice to have some fun with it.

[bebbercorn]

I suppose I'm not understanding the part where your boss asked to see your backside??? This almost sounds like sexual harassment.

[iluvivt, BSN, RN]

You need to STOP sharing any health information with your coworkers if you do not want to hear their opinions. You do not need to honestly answer every question you are asked and you can still be polite. If asked about your allergies and medications or whatever just say, "Thanks but I got that covered". If asked weird stuff like, "Can I see your backside", I would handle this with a little bit of humor or the same. "Not unless I can see yours first" or "No thank you not happening today".

As far as people wanting to touch your baby bump...... this is very very common. I believe it it just the fascination with the miracle of a new life. Do I do it...NO..... I do not NOT... but nonetheless I understand it! You are going to have to be the gatekeeper and let people know that they need to ask and then you can determine whether you will allow it or not. As far as being shocked..now you know it is obviously very common...rude or not,it is a fact so just except it..and do not let let it ruin your enjoyment of your pregnancy

[Irish_Mist, BSN, RN]

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to share my health information with anyone. But this was my boss. She is incredibly overbearing and will catch anyone off guard. Her mentality is that because she's a manager, everything is her business. I have taken the route you've suggested by responding with vague, non specific answers that hopefully most people would take as a hint to back off.

[pookyp, LPN]

People are just happy for you and love to touch bellies because they think they may be able to feel the baby kick. I think you made need to chill IMO. I've never seen someone pregnant say they want privacy and to not be asked questions etcetera. They Are usually so happy and the baby coming is all they talk about. Maybe it's just the people in my circle.

The let me see your backside comment is kind of odd though. But I'm sure she's joking nonetheless. Either way it's weird. Some ppl just have a weird sense of humor.

[Irish_Mist, BSN, RN]

Pookyp, how would you feel having extremely personal questions being asked to you by your boss? Would you want to be asked about your financial status, whether or not you're getting married, was the baby planned, how do your parents feel, etc BY YOUR BOSS? I need to chill because I want my personal space and privacy respected by my colleagues? Just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I want to disclose a bunch of information to people I work with. And no, she wasn't joking. She is dead serious. She has made many comments regarding my backside. I find that incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional even if she is "just joking".

People can be happy all they want for a pregnant person. I just think that if someone wants to touch a pregnant belly, they should at least ask first and not get offended if the woman declines. I don't mean to sound defensive or rude but I just strongly disagree with your mentality on this subject. I hate the mentality that pregnant woman should have to oblige all sorts of behavior simply because people are "happy for them". My finace and I are thrilled to be having a baby. That doesn't mean I want to share every detail of this pregnancy with the world.

[mommycruz3]

Being that I'm a mother of three, I understand the whole belly touching from STRANGERS. But with coworkers I wasn't offended. I think you may be going over the top. It's natural for people like your coworkers to see you everyday, see your belly grow to be interested with your life. It's just the normal reaction. Questions like "how did your family react".. or "do you plan on getting married" are just out of curiosity. I'm sure our personalities are much different but try not to take this so personal. You're pregnant! Everyone loves a big beautiful belly.