I'm lost. I want to quit nursing.

[Amdecl6]

I'm lost. I want to quit floor/bedside nursing, but I don't know what to do as an alternative.

I've been a nurse for about 2 ½ years now. I know that's not very long and some people might say that it's not long enough to know for sure that you want to quit, but I know me and I KNOW I want out.

Right after graduation I went to work in the OR. I was part of a peri-op program and I managed to work there for about 1 ½ years. I knew very early on that I didn't like the OR, but I didn't want to quit and I decided to stick it out and see what happened. Ultimately, it was fast paced days, filled with verbally abusive surgeons, nit-picky charge nurses, extremely long days with being on-call, and it took a toll on me and my family. By the time I left, I was charge nurse in the afternoon/evening and I was precepting new people. I knew how to do my job and I was really good at it. Just miserable. It also bothered me that I wasn't doing any of the nursing skills I had learned in school. I was pretty much just monitoring everyone in the room, running for stuff that was needed, and getting yelled at by surgeons when anything went wrong......even if it wasn't my fault. I wanted to be in a role that had a lot more hands-on patient care. I just didn't feel like a nurse in the OR. So I left.

I got a job at a long term acute care hospital. The patients there are very, very sick. Most of the patient population consists of people with respiratory failure and who are on vents and a lot of them have major wound care needs. I figured going to this facility would be a great place to learn and get some good experience. I was wrong. The facility itself was old and run down, which I knew going into it, but I thought I would just deal with it for now. The patient load was 6 patients to 1 nurse, which seems to be the standard in most hospitals in my area, but these patients are very ill, I would consider most of them to be a standard ICU patient in a regular hospital, and now I'm taking care of 6 every shift! That's a lot. A lot of them have G-tubes and take up to 20 pills at a time, all of which need crushed by hand with pliers.

It was all so time consuming and by the time I finished my 1^st rounds of assessments and med passes, it was time for the next round. It was monotonous and unfulfilling and I felt like I was always behind. I won't even go into dealing with the needy patients and/or their families and trying to maintain a work flow while CONSTANTLY answering call bells for the most ridiculous requests. Long story short, I left there after about 5 months.

I now work in an ER. Working in the ER is what I wanted to do from day one. While in nursing school, I always imagined being in an ER. I was ecstatic when I got this job....my DREAM JOB. I've been there about 3 months now, and I hate it.

I've been a nurse for 2 ½ years and not once have I loved doing it. I find it to be nothing but stress. I have anxiety ALL THE TIME, everyday, even when I'm not at work. The hours are long and exhausting and I NEVER feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm starting to sink into a serious depression, so much so, that I plan on going to see a counselor because I almost can't function anymore. Even on my days off I'm constantly stressing about having to go back. I have to work today and I had nightmares all throughout last night and didn't sleep well at all. I've had nothing but anxiety since I woke up and I feel like I want to cry at just the thought of going back today.

Nursing is nothing like I thought it was going to be. Had I truly known what it entailed I would never had started this journey to begin with. I hate that I gave up so many years of my life going to nursing school. I wasted all those years studying and working so hard when I could have been home with my children. My husband is so proud that I'm a nurse, he loves to tell people his wife is a nurse. I have no pride in my job, I have no joy in what I do. I get so overwhelmed with so many tasks and people to take care of at once...I think it just sucks the life out of me and makes me hate it all.

The one part of my job that I do enjoy is talking to my patients. They're nervous and sick, they don't like hospitals, they don't feel good, sometimes just talking about what's going on in their life, or about their sweet baby that's in the room, or the new job I overheard them talking about, takes away from this moment in time of being stuck in a bed, sick and afraid. I can't help but to be curious about how the issue/disease started, what do they do for work, how are they handling your illness/pain on a daily basis. My patients seem to love the interaction. So many times I've had people tell me I'm the best nurse they've had because I actually take the time to talk to them and it shows I care about them. However, all of that takes time and it can cause me to get behind in my other tasks, which just sets off a chain reaction for a bad day of rushing to catch up. I'm so miserable. I'm so stressed. I have so much anxiety all the time. I cry for no reason. I'm lashing out at my family. I need to find a solution fast.

I have this degree that I worked so hard for. I'm 43 years old and don't want to start all over and have to get a different degree. I need to find something I can do, with the nursing degree that I have, that I can be happy about doing and maybe actually look forward to going to work every day.

I know I'm not the only person to ever feel this way. If anyone has any suggestions as to an alternative job/area of nursing to try, I would greatly appreciate some ideas!

[BeenThere2012, ASN, RN]

I took a clue from what you said in your post...You really enjoyed talking to the patients. I'm concerned that another OR or surgery center could be just as unfulfilling if you are still running your buns off and have no time to connect to the patients. Have you considered homecare? A lot

of work still but more connection time and using your skills.

Would you be happy working from home behind a computer without the human connection? Think about this before looking into case management. Just a thought...

[BeenThere2012, ASN, RN]

I'm going to be an outlier here and recommend that you NOT flee the ER until you do a few things.

1) As a 43 year old nurse that always thought ER was your "dream job" (and waded through a trench or two to get there), you are only 90 days in. YOU SHOULD BE A BIT UNCOMFORTABLE. OCCASIONALLY REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. And that's okay. You are 90 DAYS IN.

Be easy on you.

90 days in it was kinda kicking my ass at times. I could hold my own some of the time. And, yet, there were times it fully kicked my ass. And humbled me. And other days I couldn't find my ass (or anything else) with GPS, a compass, a map or bread crumb trail. Really. I'd wake up some nights convinced that I had not done something, charted something, or made a horrible mistake. Some days I was sure I was just an angel's breath from accidentally killing someone because I was an idiot. Everyone else had it together - I wanted to run at times.

The point - you are 90 days in. Anxiety, to some point, is expected. I think you are beyond expected. But, once you get back to garden variety "I need to advance clinically" you will be golden. We can help you manage that anxiety. Most of us have had this anxiety.

2) Counseling. You must do this and yet it's your business. No saga at work. Just keep on, keeping on. You are describing almost textbook depression symptoms that should demand immediate care.

3) Please don't be offended, but I would recommend seeing your PMD. Make sure you are healthy. Hormones can change in our 40's and although we still look like we are in our 20's (yay! - science!) our bodies can scream "teenage hormone drama" - which can go on for 2 decades. Also, there are many other physiological issues that can exacerbate even small amounts of physical stress. Just get the all clear on the health front.

4) Put you semi-first for 30 days or forever. Have an honest discussion with your hubby. Tell him you are feeling unwell and need support through this transition. Good food, good sleep & more me time. Tell hubs you need a housekeeper, sitter or both for a few weeks (most budgets can survive). Use shopping app where they load the groceries in your car -- buy time or whatever. Tell the fam "mom/wife/daughter" needs a little more support. Meditate, hike, get a massage or three, exercise, read for pleasure, spend time doing for you and (if need be) spend a very disciplined time studying for work/reading ENA Journals or something, if mastery is something you want to work on. Whatever you need to do to advance your peace of mind - do it. Hubs and kids will be okay - I'm sure of this.

A little extra downtime can be very uplifting when you have a low point.

5) I recommend joining ENA and seeing if getting excited about Emergency Nursing would stoke a fire in you. A conference, taking TNCC, ENPC, take or repeat ACLS/PALS. I had lots of anxiety, but found the more I mastered clinical subject matter and took difficult cases, my anxiety lessened.

I bet that fire is still in there. I have never run across a 2+ year nurse with your similar experience that wanted to do ER, yet failed. NEVER. All succeed brilliantly. I can think of over a half dozen off the top of my head.

Anyone who has "crushed pills with pliers" with a 6:1 ratio at the acute care vent farm (which really is kinda ICU lite) and waded through that pile never ending of family needs is AMAZING. I can't imagine.

I think you just need a reset. And it's unlikely that a clinical answer that solves internal issues is to be found in any other speciality or spot. Every job has a downside. Don't focus on what others think tho - "oh, you should be feeling this" - that is unhelpful, even tho most folks mean well. It matters how you feel - it does. Other things matter too - 8-minute commute from home and cherish that! Supportive environment? Compensation? Advancement? Educational opportunities? Upsides/downsides. That is nursing. I still maintain giving it a chance after you have cared for yourself. Heck, leaving nursing and SAHM has downsides.

Onward amazing, intrepid angel. You got this.

:angel:

Medic/nurse...You are awesome!

[TiredNurse2134]

I'm a 4 year nurse and feel pretty much like I drank the KoolAid and can totally empathize with your story Amdecl6. I went into nursing believing the commercials about how great nursing is and listening to the positive stories. I heard it was tough but, like the positive, that is relative. I wanted to help others while being able to support my familly. But after this much time I feel disillusioned by my education and didn't know what I was getting myself into. Our education teaches us the safe and diligent way to properly care for patients. During actual practice I learned that patient load and nurse politics can make this theoretical in many cases. I learned about a medical system that puts profits first puts patients, nurses, and doctors at risk and burnt out. I'm tired of reading about nurses telling each other that we just need to get used to it and take it. I thought this career would be sustainable but it has taken such a toll on my body and mind and family. I hear from older nurses about how different it was although they had their challenges. Nursing schools need to be more upfront about what to expect before they take your loan money. For what we do, we need to be paid so much more especially short-staffed with no back up. Home health offered less pay but one patient at a time. That helped and I can actually do properly not at warped speed. We can all be wonderful nurses, but not all can tolerate the way its managed in a system that doesn't prioritize our needs. I haven't found my greener pasture yet but one day will. Find a sustainable place and make a back up plan. That's what I'm working on since too few stand up for change. Self care is most important. Getting enough sleep, etc and counseling to talk things out can help too.

[winniewoman9060ret]

Medic/Nurse is the wise one here. Seriously look and pay attention to their advice. Counseling may help you de stress. You may need med treatment along with some self care ideas before you burn yourself out. There are many jobs out there. And there is stress in a lot of them. I work in a outpatient surgery setting and the pressure to maintain the or schedule can be intense. You've had a lot of great experience and you may need to look for a non hospital job for a while. Hang in there. Take care of you, your family, then the job.

[rnjp]

just curious why do you hate the ER?

if it were up to the hospital they would have you crush pills with your fingers (cuz its free)

[fsudmbRN, ASN]

I dont have much experience for job hunt. I wonder when you post your resume out there on indeed or career builder, will you current employer know if they are currently hiring? Thank you.

My resume has always been posted to Indeed. I occasionally will purposefully send it, but I also get the random emails that they saw my resume. They could see it, but I don't think many of them think anything of it. Like I said, I have had my resume on there since I started nursing and I edit it frequently. It has never caused issues with or at my current employer....

[fsudmbRN, ASN]

Ridiculous and tedious like being in SCDs and having to pee? Pain medication? Have a surgery yourself and see what it's like to be in that bed unable to move. I know patients can be demanding and sometimes unreasonable but put yourself in the place of one of your patients. I had an orthopedic surgery and only called as a last resort. Loaded with fluid, told to lay a certain way and not get up. Where's the fluid supposed to go?

I worked in ortho for many years. I have been an ortho patient. I had literally been called into a patients room 15 times in about 30-45 minutes (as soon as I walked out, he was calling again). Some of it WAS a bit ridiculous and tedious (Can you turn pull my pillow from behind my head? Sir, you had an ankle surgery, not a shoulder.) Some of it was legit (I need pain medication. Can you help me on the bedpan?) Not all ortho surgery patients only call as a last resort. I had one lady that just wanted company. She literally called because she wanted to talk. Her children were out of town when she fell and she saw all these patients who had elective procedures with multiple people in their rooms and she was lonely. And while I understood, I didn't have time to sit there with her and talk with her for two hours. I had a job to do! She never really understood that and voiced a complaint with my nurse manager. Luckily, my nurse manager had been at the desk and had actually answered one of her calls. So she knew that she was really just attention seeking.

[ourmindfulnurse]

I commend you for your openness regarding your experience as a nurse 2 1/2 years in and I can attest , like many nurses, you feelings are not uncommon, I do suggest to keep moving forward and you will find your niche'. It took me some time as well trying other fields. What helped me was looking at what part of nursing ignited me, and that was patient education, education in general, and constant change and learning for myself. Maybe try community nursing, which involves teaching, hand on care. Try considering being a school nurse, many school systems are in need of nurses. I would also suggest looking for a nurse mentor, maybe reaching out to former nursing instructors that you connected with. You will be surprised with the benefit establishing a nurse mentor will bring to you. I wish you the best, and please stick with it, the nursing profession and patients need you.. Best of Luck.

[fred0405]

My post is several years late but have you looked into care management at mltc's or home care agencies ? Everything is over the phone and no one yells at you. Hope things have become better for you since your last post

[TessLJ]

Since you say you need structure and routine, have you considered home health care?

[fred0405]

I mean several days late *****

[3ringnursing, BSN]

Have you considered a telephone triage gig working from home?

After a career spent getting up at ungodly hours of the morning and driving in the dark and cold to work in all weather, it makes a refreshing change to sit toasty in sweats or your jammies working from the comfort of home.