If people make me feel bad, I've been bullied

kbrn2002, ADN, RN · Feb 5, 2015

Have I been "spoken to" or even yelled at when I either screw up or am about to screw up? Sure I have. Have I returned the favor and done the same to somebody else? Sure I have. I this bullying?? Absolutely not! Of course bullying exists, but by labeling every negative exchange bullying those that are actually being bullied are sometimes discounted as being whiners or crybabies. Please save you cries of bullying for the situations where it's warranted.

Angeljho, MSN, NP · Feb 5, 2015

Have I been "spoken to" or even yelled at when I either screw up or am about to screw up? Sure I have. Have I returned the favor and done the same to somebody else? Sure I have. I this bullying?? Absolutely not! Of course bullying exists, but by labeling every negative exchange bullying those that are actually being bullied are sometimes discounted as being whiners or crybabies. Please save you cries of bullying for the situations where it's warranted.

I disagree. Yelling at someone who screws up or is about to screw up can be labeled as bullying. How is that even healthy? That can cause fear of making a mistake in the workplace and escalate into esteem problems for the individual. And the fact that you state you return the favor by yelling at others for the same reasons just goes to show how adaptive these negative behaviors can be in the workplace. The problem is that such bullying behaviors become the norm yet no one wants to identify those behaviors as bullying. Instead, it's just seen as the workplace culture. I am starting to see that those who say "This isn't bullying" are doing so to justify their negative behaviors.

Fruit Sucker · Feb 5, 2015

I disagree. Yelling at someone who screws up or is about to screw up can be labeled as bullying. How is that even healthy? That can cause fear of making a mistake in the workplace and escalate into esteem problems for the individual.
I am starting to see that those who say "This isn't bullying" are doing so to justify their negative behaviors.

So I suppose you haven't been in the armed services, for example? Or played organized sports? In those situations, yelling and barking at people is viewed as a way of motivating and strengthening members of a team. They're not "negative behaviors".

Is yelling in a hospital for screw ups the norm? Not so much, but to some degree it's to be expected from every job. Personally, I'm not much of a yeller, so your theory that people who say "this isn't bullying" are doing so to justify their negative behaviors doesn't hold water. Some of us are just able to deal with it like an adult, with dignity. I've been yelled at so many times on the job, if it made me fearful and caused me low self esteem, I'd be hiding under my bed for the rest of my life. Likewise, I've spoken loudly and sternly to other employees, and they got that my tone meant business and carried on about their job without any further ****ups.

Again, work at any job where there are mostly men or where discipline is a high priority and you will find that people there don't have to go to therapy when someone makes a mean remark. We are supposed to be providing compassion and sensitivity for patients, not sponging all of it up ourselves. Most people want someone who is calm, solid, and emotionally available for others taking care of them, not some neurotic mess who gets upset when coworkers aren't sweet to them.

Fruit Sucker · Feb 5, 2015

Been bullied for real. But I am NO victim, I am a VICTOR.

Well, there you go. That's how to deal with it. There's no doubt that bullying does exist and deserves to be wiped out. A reasonable person makes a plan and deals with the problem. An unreasonable person comes to work wringing their hands over gossip and sideye and imagined slights.

kbrn2002, ADN, RN · Feb 5, 2015

I disagree. Yelling at someone who screws up or is about to screw up can be labeled as bullying. How is that even healthy? That can cause fear of making a mistake in the workplace and escalate into esteem problems for the individual. And the fact that you state you return the favor by yelling at others for the same reasons just goes to show how adaptive these negative behaviors can be in the workplace. The problem is that such bullying behaviors become the norm yet no one wants to identify those behaviors as bullying. Instead, it's just seen as the workplace culture. I am starting to see that those who say "This isn't bullying" are doing so to justify their negative behaviors.

Well I guess we'll agree to disagree on this. I'd still rather yell at somebody to stop what they are doing right now before they make a massive mistake that can cause injury. I'd still rather take them aside and chew them out for a mistake made than blow sunshine and rainbows up their behind by saying it's ok, mistakes happen when it is not ok. That goes for being on the receiving end of the chewing out as well. Believe me if I am told in no uncertain terms that my mistake was not ok I am not going to make that mistake again.

leslie.knope · Feb 5, 2015

I often feel the same way, make sure to remeber to speak up for yourself!

Ruby Vee, BSN · Feb 5, 2015

I disagree. Yelling at someone who screws up or is about to screw up can be labeled as bullying. How is that even healthy? That can cause fear of making a mistake in the workplace and escalate into esteem problems for the individual. And the fact that you state you return the favor by yelling at others for the same reasons just goes to show how adaptive these negative behaviors can be in the workplace. The problem is that such bullying behaviors become the norm yet no one wants to identify those behaviors as bullying. Instead, it's just seen as the workplace culture. I am starting to see that those who say "This isn't bullying" are doing so to justify their negative behaviors.

We work in a field where people's health, limbs and even their lives are at stake. Yelling at someone who is about to screw up is not ideal, but there are times when it's the only thing you CAN do to prevent great harm to your patients. I'm talking raised voice/increased decibels, not berating or belittling. I have raised my voice (to be heard above the hub-bub of a team of residents evaluating sinus rhythm with artifact and finding VT) and yelled "STOP" to prevent one of them from defibrillating a patient who clearly didn't need it. I've yelled "Not THERE!" to a nurse practitioner who was about to push anesthesia reversals through an arterial line after saying calmly, "You can use this line," "This line is free" and finally "That's the art line" didn't get through to her.

In most cases, those who are yelled at are those whose "esteem problems" are in the direction of having too much of it, not too little. And if my yelling "STOP!" to prevent harm to my patient causes the individual on the recieving end to develop negative self esteem, I'm really sorry, but my patient comes before your self esteem issues.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Feb 5, 2015

We are supposed to be providing compassion and sensitivity for patients, not sponging all of it up ourselves. Most people want someone who is calm, solid, and emotionally available for others taking care of them, not some neurotic mess who gets upset when coworkers aren't sweet to them.

Wish there was a button to "LIKE" this statement a few hundred times!

Ruby Vee, BSN · Feb 5, 2015

There's so much wrong with my title. Yes, we have every right to our feelings. I feel sad, I feel bad, I am happy, I feel great!
But, to blame others for our emotional state is a cop out.
Yes, bullying does exist and can be devastating. But just because our feelings are hurt does not make us victims.

And I'd just like to add this:

"And if I cry in response to something YOU'VE said, that means that YOU are mean. It doesn't by any stretch of the imagination mean that I need to learn how to handle my emotions and/or take negative feedback like an adult."

tacomaster · Feb 6, 2015

Yes! We had a student at my school who tried to get a couple of other students kicked out of the program because someone else overheard them saying she was annoying. That's it, she found out someone said she was annoying. She broke down in class as we were preparing to take an exam and told the professor that she was being bullied and that the emotional strain was too much for her to be able to take the test. She went to the dean and lied about the other two students stealing and was caught in her lie and failed for the semester. The whole thing was absurd, and all over being called annoying. She probably tells everyone she has PTSD now from the horrible bullying.

I abhorred nursing school for the plain fact that it was so cliquish. I felt like I was back in junior high and high school and these were girls who were second degree/ second career people. I was living in The Mean Girls. Some of the girls tried to tattle on another clinical instructor "her group gets to eat lunch at a different time than us!" waaaahhhh!!!! I was asked to do their homework and clinical paperwork. My reply, "you've got to be getting me. Is this a joke?". Then to top it off, one girl sat in another girl's "seat" and it was all "oh, that girl is a *****, we can't be friends with her!" for the rest of the program. Not sure if those things were bullying or not. I think that term gets so overused these days and is so watered down. Man, I hated nursing school. I just thought, "I cant believe these soulless, mean, back stabbing girls are going to provide care for someone".

Gooselady, BSN, RN · Feb 6, 2015

Well I guess we'll agree to disagree on this. I'd still rather yell at somebody to stop what they are doing right now before they make a massive mistake that can cause injury. I'd still rather take them aside and chew them out for a mistake made than blow sunshine and rainbows up their behind by saying it's ok, mistakes happen when it is not ok. That goes for being on the receiving end of the chewing out as well. Believe me if I am told in no uncertain terms that my mistake was not ok I am not going to make that mistake again.

I don't want rainbows and sunshine blown up my butt any more than I want to get yelled at in a professional environment. I'd rather have respect. People about to screw up (or in the process of screwing up) are people, too. I'm all for stopping a person before they make a big mistake. There are less careless and 'lazy' ways to do it.

What you end up saying to another person, regardless of the situation, reflects your (the generic your) personal beliefs and views. This is INFORMATION that is communicated along with your words. If you (the generic) lack respect for another person, you can't NOT communicate that, no matter how well chosen your words.

There is a sneaky secondary gain to be had when you end up getting harsh with another person. There's a little power spike, it feels good, it puts you 'up' a couple of notches, lord knows how much we nurses always feel put down. At least we can wrestle it out with each other (sarcasm)

mariebailey, MSN, RN · Feb 6, 2015

None of those things are bullying. They feel bad, yes, but they are not bullying. Sarcasm and eye rolling never made anyone fear for their safety. Things like this are why people think that majority women workplaces are full of emotionally histrionic crybabies. Most of my life I've worked in a majority male field, and I never saw anyone there cry or go to HR because another man gossiped about them. In many of those jobs, having curse words shouted in your face was a normal part of my day, and if anybody had cried or reported it to HR, everyone would have been astounded. Being a woman does not have to mean being a sissy and making every grain of sand into a giant boulder to weep upon.

A continuum exist ranging from things like passive aggressive behavior to violence. Whether or not you would label it as bullying or not is inconsequential. The reality is that people should have enough sense not to behave this way in the workplace. What on earth are you talking about with women being sissies, crying, and running to HR?