I use up all of my compassion at work.

Nurses General Nursing

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I hope I'm not the only one who has this problem. I work in the ICU and I give everything I have to my patients when I am at work. I comfort them, hold their hand, wipe their tears, tell them not to be afraid. Then I have to do this for their wife, brother, sister, mom, dad, and children. Not only do I have to do this for that patient, I have to walk over to the next room and do it for my other patient. I do not get overly attached to my patients. I leave work at work.

But... When I get home I have nothing left. I don't want to hear about my husbands bad day or about how he stumped his toe. I don't care if he has a headache or if he is hungry and wants me to make him a sandwich. I love my husband, I really do. But honestly nothing compares to what I have to deal with at work. I just want everyone else to suck it up. Because I have to. :cool:

Specializes in Rodeo Nursing (Neuro).
My husband and I were just talking about this the other day. He wasnt feeling well, I wasnt as considerate as he felt I should have been. We began talking and we realized that beginning after about the second year of nursing, I began to change. If my husband has a stomach ache, I have no compassion. If he isnt puking blook or doesnt have bloody stool, I just feel he should suck it up. I know thats BAD BAD BAD, but I cant help it. I saw so much when I worked at the hospital, I just know how bad it CAN be. I know what you mean. Im the same way as you. I wish I wasnt, but I honestly cant help it.

Obviously, this situation isn't unique. I'd venture to guess that moments like this are pretty close to universal. But it's also probably a very rare instance that someone can't help it. With the exception of some acute mental illnesses, we can help it, but it takes work, not wishes.

If a patient is admitted with an NSTEMI, do you tell them to quite whining--the guy down the hall has ALS? If they are in the terminal stages of lung CA, do you lecture them that they should have quit smoking? Does a 14 y.o. with a simple fracture of the ulna need to suck it up because someone else lost a leg? Obviously, we have to do a certain amount of triage in deciding which interventions to do first, and sometimes patients can be needy out of proportion to the severity of their condition, but there is something deeply wrong if we can care for total strangers and not for the people we love.

I don't have all the answers, but I think it might be worth considering that we aren't exactly giving anything to our patients. Compassion is a commodity we sell them. And it isn't a limited commodity. You don't carry a big jug of compassion around and pour it out to those who need it. Try saying it a different way: I use up all my love at work, so when I get home, I just don't have the energy to love my family. Doesn't that seem just a little nutty? The love and compassion we give away for free are their own reward. They are what make it worth dragging our butts in to work in the first place. But I think we do need to remind ourselves of that pretty regularly.

If our muscles are fatigued, we rest. Great--up to a point. But if our muscles are fatiqued more than occassionally, more rest isn't going to make them stronger. If our compassion is atrophied, withholding it is not going to make us stronger.

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Specializes in Med-Surg; Telemetry; School Nurse pk-8.

I am this way -- and I am an introvert as well. Nursing is rewarding, but it is also physically and emotionally exhausting! My solution has been to make a day for me each week. My day of "MinnieMom" is tomorrow. :yeah: I will get my youngest off to school, and then my family knows that I am not available. Sometimes I sit around the house and watch movies, or take a day-trip to the ocean, or well... just about whatever the heck I feel like doing! Whatever it is, I go ALONE. I need the time to breathe and let my thoughts collect in my head without having to service someone elses needs. Then, and only then, am I refreshed to be the wife/mother I want to be. This, and support of my fellow nurses here on AN is what keeps me (relatively) sane!

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Compassion fatigue has happened to me many times in my 30 plus years as a nurse in various capacities. ICU is where I started out asa new graduate and I lasted about 4 years there before I went on to do cardiology clinical research.

The point is, you have to recognize that you have some burn out. You are the only one who can change that. Nonmedical family truly cannot understand what you do and how much emotional and physical eneregy you have to invest in work.

You have to be kind to yourself. My suggestion is to make the time to be with your family. Leave work at work when you walk out the door. Find time to do something you enjoy.

Hope you find your path. Nursing takes its toll on you, but don't forget why you became a nurse in the first place.

Try to find some inner peace and everything hopefully will be easier.

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Specializes in mental health, military nursing.

i make no apologies for not wanting to be a nurse in my time off. my husband (also an rn) is worse than i am. when i injured my back, i drove myself to all of my appointments and wasn't sure that he was going to drive me to the hospital when i had my surgery until half an hour before we left the house!

i agree! my husband is a nurse, too, and he has no patience when i feel under the weather. i'm more patient with him, but not by much... we just tend to use up our compassion at work, but we've struck a happy medium, and learned to take care of ourselves when sick. or i visit my mom (also a nurse), where she will feed me tea and toast and watch old movies with me til i feel better :D moms aren't allowed to suffer compassion fatigue.

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OK I understand where yall are coming from I do. I am sure that each and everyone one of yall are great nurses and that you give 110% everyday to help your patients in any and every way you can, but after reading this tread I have to say I was very worried. I am the husband of a nurse and am actually about to enter clinicals myself. My wife and I have two beautiful children and a nice home. I'm sorry to me everything yall are saying is very disturbing. I have to believe that nothing in this world is more important than family. Nursing is a wonderful and fulfilling career, but at the end of the day it is just a job. If you are not capable of coming home with any compassion, energy, or love left for your own family than I'm sorry you might want to consider a different career. Trust me you don't want to look up in a few years and find that your children are grown and wont talk to you, or your husband has left and found someone with a little room left in there heart for him. No job is worth losing your family over. There is no point in being a great provider when you have no one left to provide for. Believe me your family will stick by you if you come home cold and distant with no patience but not forever. Make sure you have your priorities in order.

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Specializes in M/S, MICU, CVICU, SICU, ER, Trauma, NICU.
OK I understand where yall are coming from I do. I am sure that each and everyone one of yall are great nurses and that you give 110% everyday to help your patients in any and every way you can, but after reading this tread I have to say I was very worried. I am the husband of a nurse and am actually about to enter clinicals myself. My wife and I have two beautiful children and a nice home. I'm sorry to me everything yall are saying is very disturbing. I have to believe that nothing in this world is more important than family. Nursing is a wonderful and fulfilling career, but at the end of the day it is just a job. If you are not capable of coming home with any compassion, energy, or love left for your own family than I'm sorry you might want to consider a different career. Trust me you don't want to look up in a few years and find that your children are grown and wont talk to you, or your husband has left and found someone with a little room left in there heart for him. No job is worth losing your family over. There is no point in being a great provider when you have no one left to provide for. Believe me your family will stick by you if you come home cold and distant with no patience but not forever. Make sure you have your priorities in order.

You're judging based on NO experience.

Come back in 5 years before you say you have stepped in these nurses' shoes. I know you're just trying to be helpful.

You're not.

So don't say anything about something you know NOTHING about.

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Specializes in NICU.

Ok I think people are taking what I have said and assuming the worst. I am not this hateful, evil grouch every day of the week. On my days off I am very pleasant to be around. I entertain my husband as a wife should, have dinner ready when he gets home, clean the house, have movies ready and popcorn popped. I take great care of my animals too. (I don't have children yet so I don't know how nursing will effect that). I am available to my family and my friends on my days off.

It is mainly on the days that I work 12 hours shifts that I come home and don't want to hear about anyone's problems. I'm exhausted and have given everything I have for 12 straight hours. Not including the commute. I don't think I need to change professions or jobs for that matter. I love my job. I'm just exhausted after work and I need to learn to just tell my family to bear with me and I'm sorry for anything I say or do when I get off work.

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Apparently you didn't actually read my post. I said my wife is a nurse and my post and oppinion was based in that context. I know what it's like to be on the other side of the coin. If your post is any indication of your every day attidude I do truly do feel for you. You don't have to be a nurse to know what it's lke to live with someone who comes home cold and distant. If you want someone to tell you that that is completley fine and your family should just suck it up cause your tired there are obviously enough people here to tell you what you want to hear. Don't kill the messanger just cause he tells you something you don't want to hear.

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There is a difference between being a warm and wonderful person who is just used up and being someone who is cold and distant as a rule.

I'm an introvert, as are some of you. I could easily go an entire day without speaking to anyone. When I have had a busy stretch at work or we've been out and about a lot, I need time for the well to refill. That involves pulling back (not away) from connection.

Fortunately, my husband understands this about me and doesn't take it personally. He and I both work nights and carpool in the AM. The rule is the one who has had the most challenging night gets to sound off first. Then the other has a turn. We have also learned to ask for what we need and to give what the other asks for. Neither of us is a mind-reader. And we trust the love we have for one another. It's just that there are times that I feel like someone pulled the plug and I need to recharge my batteries.

Overall, I do lean more toward being a hermit than a social butterfly, but there have been times in my life when temperament crossed the line into pathology. I got a physical check-up, talked to a counselor, or changed my job parameters--whatever it took to get out of the slough of despond.

We DO need to nurture our souls and our relationships. The risk is always there that taking such treasures for granted will cause damage or loss. A good way to gauge the depth of the need (and whether you're basically okay or headed for harder times) is to take note of the recovery time. If it's getting longer and longer or if it's out of proportion to the stressors, you might want to talk to someone about your options. Good places to start are your partner/family and the employee assistance program at work.

The people we live with can learn to give us a buffer zone to decompress, but they shouldn't have to learn how to subsist on the crumbs that are left after we take care of everyone else. The same goes for our own selves, too.

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I am sorry you feel so burnt out. However, if you remain indifferent to your family you might risk your personal life, which of course is your choice. Marriage is ideally predicated on mutual support and love, and hopefully your husband is supportive of you and your stresses. A stubbed toe is no way comparable to your ICU patients, however, discussing minor tribulations is part of sharing your lives together. I don't mean to rain on the support parade. I feel for you situation, I just want to point out that there are potential consequences to your burnout that you need to consider. I would talk to a professional about coping techniques and to get an independent assessment of your job/family status. I guess the question you might ask yourself is this making you happy, if not perhaps a change is in order.

I agree completely.

I learned a hard lesson early in my career...never, and I do mean NEVER 'use up' all your caring on your patients. Always save plenty of caring for the people you love because when it's all said and one they are the only ones who care about you.

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Specializes in Rodeo Nursing (Neuro).
OK I understand where yall are coming from I do. I am sure that each and everyone one of yall are great nurses and that you give 110% everyday to help your patients in any and every way you can, but after reading this tread I have to say I was very worried. I am the husband of a nurse and am actually about to enter clinicals myself. My wife and I have two beautiful children and a nice home. I'm sorry to me everything yall are saying is very disturbing. I have to believe that nothing in this world is more important than family. Nursing is a wonderful and fulfilling career, but at the end of the day it is just a job. If you are not capable of coming home with any compassion, energy, or love left for your own family than I'm sorry you might want to consider a different career. Trust me you don't want to look up in a few years and find that your children are grown and wont talk to you, or your husband has left and found someone with a little room left in there heart for him. No job is worth losing your family over. There is no point in being a great provider when you have no one left to provide for. Believe me your family will stick by you if you come home cold and distant with no patience but not forever. Make sure you have your priorities in order.

I find it amazing that someone who isn't a nurse could possibly know anything about, you know, life and stuff. We all know nurses have a monopoly on common sense.

JK. I think you are right to be aware of this potential pitfall, but it doesn't sound to me like you need to be too worried. Good nurses give all they can--not all they have. At the end of the day, my cats need me, and what I give them and they give me is a big part of what gets me up for the start of the next day. Well, night, actually, but the point's the same.

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Specializes in Rodeo Nursing (Neuro).
You're judging based on NO experience.

Come back in 5 years before you say you have stepped in these nurses' shoes. I know you're just trying to be helpful.

You're not.

So don't say anything about something you know NOTHING about.

Glad to see you're open to dialogue.

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