I use up all of my compassion at work.

[TigerGalLE]

I hope I'm not the only one who has this problem. I work in the ICU and I give everything I have to my patients when I am at work. I comfort them, hold their hand, wipe their tears, tell them not to be afraid. Then I have to do this for their wife, brother, sister, mom, dad, and children. Not only do I have to do this for that patient, I have to walk over to the next room and do it for my other patient. I do not get overly attached to my patients. I leave work at work.

But... When I get home I have nothing left. I don't want to hear about my husbands bad day or about how he stumped his toe. I don't care if he has a headache or if he is hungry and wants me to make him a sandwich. I love my husband, I really do. But honestly nothing compares to what I have to deal with at work. I just want everyone else to suck it up. Because I have to.

[PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN]

Glad to see you're open to dialogue.

I'm very open, just tired of the judgemental statements people with NO EXPERIENCE place on those who are here to vent or share. Tell me that being human is okay and that being a nurse doesn't mean you're Mother Theresa or so martyr-like that you've never allowed to be free of your role as a nurse!

Totally understand the parts he was saying. I've been married 20 years, and have been a nurse for almost 18. My husband knows when I've had a bad day and we have a signal. I decompress in "my part" of the house for at least 1 hour, before I join my family just so that I can regroup--and when I've had my "down time", I'm a completely different person. As a matter of fact, I am spoiled by a wonderful dinner and wonderful family conversation. The day is gone, and done. When he has a bad day, I reciprocate. Give and take--that's the way we both deal with things. However, that is a process--skills that takes a long time to accrue and communication is always the key. He knows how much people can "suck the life out of me," and he uses humor to help me work through the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. My family has learned to understand that MOM is a HUMAN BEING, not this person is forever, endlessly energetic, ready to be all everyone. We give, we take..that's life.

The OP wasn't saying she didn't prioritize her family, she was just venting and asking on HOW to deal with your workday and you are EXHAUSTED and "shut down." She was venting, and to imply that she will destroy her marriage is just ridiculous.

[nursemike, ASN, RN]

I'm very open, just tired of the judgemental statements people with NO EXPERIENCE place on those who are here to vent or share. Tell me that being human is okay and that being a nurse doesn't mean you're Mother Theresa or so martyr-like that you've never allowed to be free of your role as a nurse!

Totally understand the parts he was saying. I've been married 20 years, and have been a nurse for almost 18. My husband knows when I've had a bad day and we have a signal. I decompress in "my part" of the house for at least 1 hour, before I join my family just so that I can regroup--and when I've had my "down time", I'm a completely different person. As a matter of fact, I am spoiled by a wonderful dinner and wonderful family conversation. The day is gone, and done. When he has a bad day, I reciprocate. Give and take--that's the way we both deal with things. However, that is a process--skills that takes a long time to accrue and communication is always the key. He knows how much people can "suck the life out of me," and he uses humor to help me work through the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. My family has learned to understand that MOM is a HUMAN BEING, not this person is forever, endlessly energetic, ready to be all everyone. We give, we take..that's life.

The OP wasn't saying she didn't prioritize her family, she was just venting and asking on HOW to deal with your workday and you are EXHAUSTED and "shut down." She was venting, and to imply that she will destroy her marriage is just ridiculous.

As I read it, the OP was stating that she has to give so much of her compassion at work that she has none left for her family when she gets home. As you observe, it's a vent, and it makes sense to take it with a grain of salt. But an unsympathetic reader could see it as the plaint of martyrs everywhere: I give and give and give until I have nothing left to give.

I don't see anything like that in Bhebe55's response. I see a concern whether this is really what nursing demands of us, and some solid advice that living in that way can lead to serious problems in our personal lives. And then I see the suggestion that since he doesn't have the requisite nursing experience, he should shut up and keep his opinions to himself.

That seems to me a thoughtless and judgemental response, based on its own variety of martyr mentality. Only nurses can know what nurses go through. It's the nature of our job to suck the life out of us, and our loved ones will just have to understand that we aren't being selfish, we're being selfless.

Frankly, I have disimpacted better arguments. Nurses are unique--just like everybody else. We work hard. We have a lot of stress. Who the heck doesn't? Lives depend on us. Not like those happy, carefree jobs like fixing the brakes on a car or hanging steel on a bridge. We're so freakin' special that nobody knows what it takes from us.

And that, my dear friends, is a load. Nursing doesn't demand that we shut down those who care about us. Yes, yes, I can come home beat after three tough twelves in a row, and yes, I need to sleep most of the day. But if I come home and my Dad needs his insulin, I'm right tickled that I know how to do it. When I get out of my car and cats come running from all compass points with their tails in the air, I know they want fed, but it makes me smile. The day nursing means I can't have that is the day I'll kiss it good bye. But I do have some nursing experience, and several years in healthcare before that, and it hasn't meant that, yet. I've prayed for my patients, worked hard to keep them safe or make them comfortable, even gotten a little misty. I share my heart with them, but I don't give my soul to them, and while they can sometimes wear me out in the short term, in the longer term they give me strength.

Bhebe55 sounds to me like someone with a bit of life experience and common sense, and honestly I think nursing will be better served if more of us can just avoid all the angels of mercy crap and focus on being just plain, decent people. I, for one, am interested in his thoughts, and if you aren't you can skip them. (Yes, I can also skip yours, but telling people they don't have a right to participate because they aren't "qualified" amounts to speaking for the whole forum--and you don't.)

[brownbook]

I don't think people in the helping profession use up all their compassion. I love the song love is something when you give it away you keep on having more. Maybe the same thing can be said about compassion? You don't use it all up, you end up having more. What you get is a healthy perspective on what is important and not important in life. None of her husband's problems sounded serious. Honestly he sounds like a wimp, I know I'm married to one, what to say to a wimp I don't know, that is the issue.

[TigerGalLE, BSN, RN]

I don't think people in the helping profession use up all their compassion. I love the song love is something when you give it away you keep on having more. Maybe the same thing can be said about compassion? You don't use it all up, you end up having more. What you get is a healthy perspective on what is important and not important in life. None of her husband's problems sounded serious. Honestly he sounds like a wimp, I know I'm married to one, what to say to a wimp I don't know, that is the issue.

Haha. Thanks brownbook, you just made me laugh out loud!

[brownbook]

TigerGalLe, You will like this story, I come home from work and my husband is in one of his worried moods because (wait for the drum roll) he realizes he has bunions!!!!! Yes, bunions, they were not painful, they were not bothering him, he just realized the "ball" of both feet really stuck out. He wanted my nursing/medical opinion of what to do. Then we have to go to the local bookstore to find information about bunions. He didn't like what information he found in the Internet. Being the good supportive compassionate nurse I am I expressed my appropriate concern, went to the book store with him, reinforced what information the Internet and books had. After a few weeks he accepted what I, the Internet, and books, told him, there is nothing that needs to be done unless they are painful, and if they are painful you need surgery. I work in an easy, low stress, surgery clinic, but still we put in vascular access ports for patients needing chemo therapy, we do biopsies for people with possible cancer, etc. A little hard to be compassionate about bunions, but I put on a good compassionate show for him anyway.

[PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN]

As I read it, the OP was stating that she has to give so much of her compassion at work that she has none left for her family when she gets home. As you observe, it's a vent, and it makes sense to take it with a grain of salt. But an unsympathetic reader could see it as the plaint of martyrs everywhere: I give and give and give until I have nothing left to give.

I don't see anything like that in Bhebe55's response. I see a concern whether this is really what nursing demands of us, and some solid advice that living in that way can lead to serious problems in our personal lives. And then I see the suggestion that since he doesn't have the requisite nursing experience, he should shut up and keep his opinions to himself.

That seems to me a thoughtless and judgemental response, based on its own variety of martyr mentality. Only nurses can know what nurses go through. It's the nature of our job to suck the life out of us, and our loved ones will just have to understand that we aren't being selfish, we're being selfless.

Frankly, I have disimpacted better arguments. Nurses are unique--just like everybody else. We work hard. We have a lot of stress. Who the heck doesn't? Lives depend on us. Not like those happy, carefree jobs like fixing the brakes on a car or hanging steel on a bridge. We're so freakin' special that nobody knows what it takes from us.

And that, my dear friends, is a load. Nursing doesn't demand that we shut down those who care about us. Yes, yes, I can come home beat after three tough twelves in a row, and yes, I need to sleep most of the day. But if I come home and my Dad needs his insulin, I'm right tickled that I know how to do it. When I get out of my car and cats come running from all compass points with their tails in the air, I know they want fed, but it makes me smile. The day nursing means I can't have that is the day I'll kiss it good bye. But I do have some nursing experience, and several years in healthcare before that, and it hasn't meant that, yet. I've prayed for my patients, worked hard to keep them safe or make them comfortable, even gotten a little misty. I share my heart with them, but I don't give my soul to them, and while they can sometimes wear me out in the short term, in the longer term they give me strength.

Bhebe55 sounds to me like someone with a bit of life experience and common sense, and honestly I think nursing will be better served if more of us can just avoid all the angels of mercy crap and focus on being just plain, decent people. I, for one, am interested in his thoughts, and if you aren't you can skip them. (Yes, I can also skip yours, but telling people they don't have a right to participate because they aren't "qualified" amounts to speaking for the whole forum--and you don't.)

I'm sticking to my argument.

Although he has valid points--he's not yet a nurse, and doesn't know what it's like.

Period.

It's like a brotherhood/sisterhoo-don't go there until you've stepped into these people's shoes. Whether you or not you agree is not relevant to me.

And as for speaking for the forum, I can...on behalf of myself. Never insinuated otherwise--just tired of those WITHOUT HAVING STEPPED IN THOSE SHOES...speaking up for those who have...and trying to make them feel like crap.

[PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN]

TigerGalLe, You will like this story, I come home from work and my husband is in one of his worried moods because (wait for the drum roll) he realizes he has bunions!!!!! Yes, bunions, they were not painful, they were not bothering him, he just realized the "ball" of both feet really stuck out. He wanted my nursing/medical opinion of what to do. Then we have to go to the local bookstore to find information about bunions. He didn't like what information he found in the Internet. Being the good supportive compassionate nurse I am I expressed my appropriate concern, went to the book store with him, reinforced what information the Internet and books had. After a few weeks he accepted what I, the Internet, and books, told him, there is nothing that needs to be done unless they are painful, and if they are painful you need surgery. I work in an easy, low stress, surgery clinic, but still we put in vascular access ports for patients needing chemo therapy, we do biopsies for people with possible cancer, etc. A little hard to be compassionate about bunions, but I put on a good compassionate show for him anyway.

I have done the same; it's a very big deal to those who are very worried about it.