Published
Well, thinking about leaving my second job as a new grad since May. I can't believe I am right back where I was in July, but here I am.
Is there shame in admitting a career choice just is not for you? That you royally screwed up but unfortunately didn't 100% realize it until you graduated and started working? I picked nursing not because I was always interested in the field, liked what nurses do, or loved patient contact. I picked it because I loved to learn, felt their was opportunity in nursing, and because the school was geographically close to home. Yep, that's it. There were other things I was more interested in pursuing, but those degrees required more time, money, and long commutes. So I "settled" for nursing.
I did well in school. The bookwork came pretty easy. I got good grades with little effort. Like I said, I love learning. But I dreaded clinicals. I dreaded the hands-on, the skills. I always felt like a fish out of water. Even if Block 4. Everyone told me that was just anxiety because I was doing something new and lacked confidence and that it would be different when I was actually working as an RN. I kept telling myself that, saying to myself, "just get the degree". Well, it's no different now. I dread going to work in the morning. Actually I start dreading it several days BEFORE so I am really anxious even on my days off! I honestly can say that I don't really enjoy anything about nursing so far. When I don't get breaks or lunches I just get annoyed. I don't think of what I love and so wow it is all still worth it...The only thing that interests me is the constant learning the profession offers. I like helping the patients but mostly I just feel frustrated that I can't help them more or in the ways they need to be helped. I feel that even if you have the compassion for patients, it is hard to take good care of them, as busy as this profession is. Personally, I'd rather push paper somewhere outside of nursing for less money and volunteer in a hospital, where you can feel like you make a difference!!!
I have been told by others that I am good with patients, am caring, am sympathetic. My last job I was told that I was progressing just as they expected a new grad to. So basically, I don't think I can't do this job (ok, sometimes I do). In fact, if I went now to my manager about wanting to quit I'd probably get the whole "it's just new" speel. Even my husband encourages me telling me how smart I am and that he knows I would be a good nurse, etc. etc...I just don't think I am going to ever be happy doing this job. I am frustrated because every time I vent to others (especially other new grads) I get the same lecture. The one given here as well. The speel about how all new grads feel this way, confidence comes with time, the first 1-2 years is hell, etc, etc, etc. BUT...shouldn't there be something I like about my job?? Even when I get the paycheck, all I think is "wow, this is not worth it". When I get to the hospital door in the morning, all I want to do is run the other way. I watch the clock, how much longer before I can LEAVE? I don't get warm fuzzies helping patients although I do feel sorry for many of them but helping them somehow isn't really rewarding to me. I know this is how I feel yet I still go back and forth about whether I need to stick this out! Make this magical year work. It is so stressful..I feel double stressful when you just can't see the reasons why you are doing something. I can make some money in another job, albeit less but I also won't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. For direction, I seek everyone else's opinion rather than trusting myself. I just don't want it to be that fear got the best of me but all things considered...do you think it is time to wave the white flag, admit I made a mistake, and move on to the next career choice?? How sad that i didn't get out sooner, but what can you do?
All my friends just say I am scared, we all feel this way, etc, etc. I remind them how I told them all through school I wasn't sure this was for me and they just say "you have to think positive and just do it". I guess society is just so against getting degree and then not using it. It is so taboo. My family thinks I need to give up nursing now and pick something else, that it was never right for me. My husband just thinks my family is being unsupportive and doesn't want me to succeed. Why is it just not OK for me not to like this? And even more troubling, why can't I just admit to myself I don't like it and not feel guilty and MOVE ON? A lot of this is my fault, the whole going back and forth!
How do you quit and tell your manager, Oops, sorry for wasting your time but I finally realize nursing is not for me? This is just so embarrassing. If I give this up this time, I am never coming back. I think maybe this is not my "niche" but I don't know if there is any niche for me here. I wish there were others like me here who just really made the wrong decision. I don't know who I pursued this for but it sure doesn't feel like me. I think I'd rather sit in a lab and spin blood samples in a centrifuge. That was one of the things that looked better in the beginning!!!
I guess a life spent making mistakes is better than a life spent doing nothing!?
thanks for listening.