I'm sorry, I don't want to ruin anyone's day but I just need to vent. I am having a really, really bad day that I just can't shake off. I just exercised for about 45 minutes but that really has not helped yet, I then took a nice long bath, but that has not really helped yet, I am listening to soothing music while sipping on a cup of hot lemon herbal tea and I am just waiting. I had a really, really bad panic attack. I am really good about keeping things to myself but after my test this morning I stormed out crying really badly. One of my classmates asked me what was wrong, and I said just leave me the F*** alone. I feel really horrible because I am usually a nice, nice person and I promised I have NEVER cussed anyone out in front of their face. I got a 52% on my GI exam. The last exam before today was cancer and I got a 60%. Now Up until the cancer exam I had a 91% which is an A at my school. The first exam cardiac I got a 88%, second exam endocrine I got a 82%, third exam psych I got a 95%, fourth exam which was over renal I got a 87%, then the fifth exam cardiac I got a 60% and sixth exam I got a 52%. I went home crying and called my clinical instructor and told her I would not be in clinicals today because I am not feeling to good. I would NOT be able to function if I went to clinicals and I would not feel safe around my patients that I would have today.
I have being feeling depressed lately, and a little on the suicidal side. Thoughts of killing myself had entered my mind recently but I keep thinking of my daughter and she is my motivation for snapping out of those thoughts and coming back into reality. I am tired, lonely, feel really stupid and feel like I know nothing. I called the doctor and made an appointment. I am really scared and I know I need help. I have actually been crying out for help for a VERY long time now and no one has notice but this morning during my bath I started seriously thinking, If I want to get better than I am going to have to take the first step. I am going to have to go and get help before I get worse and then really become weak and vulnerable and end up hurting myself.
I am trying to remain strong for this semester I have the Hesi coming up on December 1st which will be over everything we done this semester and we have to get at LEAST an 85% and then I my final on December 12th over ALL the systems we have covered this semester as well and if I want to get a B in the class I have to pass the HESI and get at least a 80% on the final.
I'm sorry this is really long, I just needed to vent, I am trying to calm down now because I know I really need to get on the ball for my upcoming exams.