He refuses to take a shower for a week at a time, sometimes longer. He thinks washing his hair in the morning for work and putting on cologne will suffice.
I suppose it's a good thing that he's pretty much lost his sex drive, because I will not touch him with his crappy hygiene practices. It's so bad that in order for his false teeth to be clean, I have to put them in the container with a cleaning tablet or they won't be cleaned. He sets them on a shelf in bathroom overnight then sticks them in his mouth in the morning. The bottom teeth are real but rotting--of course he doesn't brush them barely at all and never flosses. His breath reeks of decaying food.
Okay..I know this is a sickening post. However, I wrote it because I am at my wits end. I'm tempted to post this on my facebook with friends and family reading it except I don't want to be ridiculed over it.
Will someone please tell me that dangers of poor hygiene? A list preferably so I can hand it to my husband?
Thank for your honest input, but I am not up for any more new marriages or big changes in my life. This is my second marriage and if this one don't work then I'm 'not looking' for another one. I'm also not giving up that easily on this marriage nor on him. I think he is physically warn down and emotionally as well. He keeps everything inside. We haven't been to church for a really long time and we use to go quite often. We were happier then. Should start up again :-)
And believe me, I know money can't buy happiness! But it can get me out of debt and keep food on my table.
Maybe an ultimatum of some kind could work. But scare tactics could go either way; depends on the personality. I'm male and scare tactics work against me when I get into rutts haha. Or maybe once he does take a shower you could "pounce on him". Could give him a boost of self-esteem if he thinks you find him irresistable. Then maybe he would clean more often. Because he might be thinking there is no point to put in the effort to get clean.
my ex husband tried to kill himself 8 times in 2 years, so not only was 'he' very sick, but i was being mentally and emotionally torn down as well. yes, he went to the hospital, yes he has institutionalized, but he never kept up with therapy and he resisted everything.
my second marriage is great, i found "mr right". i lived with him for 3 years before we were married, that way i knew his hygiene, etc.. i have to ask.. did you live with him to see what his hygiene and day to day life was like before marriage? how long did you know him before you got married?
we lived together for 3 years before marriage... if i saw anything that i did not like, i would have been out.
to be honest, you cannot change anyone, they have to want to change.
sometimes divorce is best. it also allows you to look at your life and how you choose your future mates... did you get married only 1 year after meeting? etc... these are all things you can change in the future...
Specializes in LTC, Disease Management, smoking Cessati.
I am curious why you would want to toss fuel on the fire by posting this on facebook. If you truly care about your husband you would be talking to his doctor, him or other health professionals that could really help. It is obvious that something changed, and when mood and behavior changes drastically there is certainly something wrong. Be it depression or a physical problem, you don't say why he may have erectile dysfunction, is there an underlying medical cause?? Media addiction is also a red flag...Before you go tossing his private business out onto a very public forum, I would hope you will do some serious thinking about it... and choose not to be so childish.
I feel for your situation. I have to deal with plenty of issues in my own relationship, but at least he is clean (for the most part). What I have found is that sometimes you have to change your own behavior to help him change his and sometimes this is EXTREMELY hard. For me, it is keeping my mouth closed when I really want to ream someone a new you know what.
Since there are "intimacy" issues maybe you could try an approach where you run a bath for him and bathe him yourself OR you have him take a shower with you. Granted, you are currently feeling quite repulsed by him but if you buckled down and gave it shot maybe it could help out in both areas.
Definitely get back in church and if he doesn't go - go for your own piece of mind. I truly feel that God tests us and helps us to see a side of us that we didn't know was there.
I wouldn't suggest trying to "coax" your hubby into seeing a therapist... That might backfire, and cause him to dig his heels in even more. You could discuss therapy with him, but make it more about you and your feelings. "Honey, I've been thinking of having a talk with a counselor... I feel that you and I are having some intimacy issues, and I need some advice on how to improve our relationship. I'd love for you to come along if you choose to." Good luck! I hope you make some headway.
I feel for you. It is admirable that you are trying to work things out, but you need to realize that there is a point at which you shouldn't take it anymore. A relationship is a team effort, and if people on the team aren't doing their share, you need to try to work it out, and if you can't, then you need to move on.
First, you need to realize that these issues are NOT your fault.
Second, realize that you are NOT responsible for what he chooses to do.
Third, if he can't (or won't) contribute, you are not- NOT- responsible for trying to make it work. Plain and simple.
I agree that there might be some other issues- mental health or even cognitive problems- but if he is against getting help- you can't do it for him.
Here is what I would do. Sit down with him. Lay out the situation- you are not happy with these things, and while you love him, you can't live with this any longer. After that, spell out the options, and there are only two.
Make it clear that if he chooses to change, you will be with him every step- and that you will be changing together.
Or
If he doesn't want to change, you have to leave.
It's a very difficult decision, and will be very difficult to do, but you must: YOU CAN'T HELP SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE HELPED. As much love as you obviously have, you have to.
Do NOT try to force him- it won't work. Shaming him won't work.
Yeah he seems to be in a really bad depression! A way I got my spouse into therapy was by going myself and learning to deal with it, then the counselor suggested he come in to "help me." Viola he was there and she worked on some of his issues as well.
thinkertdm, I agree with many of your statements. I think that when you marry someone (for better or worse), you do what you can to help them through some bad times. I am divorced and it was all his fault for a long time, but eventually I realized yeah, it was still mostly his fault but there were things that I could have done differently that might have made a difference. If you choose to change your own behavior to try to help someone you love, that doesn't mean you are accepting any fault - it simply means you are trying to make it work. Sometimes it doesn't work, but wouldn't you like to know you exhausted every possible option?
I have always been taught to kill someone with kindness. If the hubby is suffering from self-esteem issues, intimacy issues and depression - maybe what he needs is an extra dose of affection. It is so funny for me to make that comment, because my S.O. suffers from some of the same thing and it is not my nature to be very complimentary or touchy feely - maybe I should take my own advise.
Other posters are right, maybe it won't work and there is a time to say no more but just make sure you feel you have done all you can do first. Your husband is obviously hurting....
I am curious why you would want to toss fuel on the fire by posting this on facebook. If you truly care about your husband you would be talking to his doctor, him or other health professionals that could really help. It is obvious that something changed, and when mood and behavior changes drastically there is certainly something wrong. Be it depression or a physical problem, you don't say why he may have erectile dysfunction, is there an underlying medical cause?? Media addiction is also a red flag...Before you go tossing his private business out onto a very public forum, I would hope you will do some serious thinking about it... and choose not to be so childish.
--Everything you said is exactly what I was thinking as I read the OP's msg.
To the OP--I sympathize with your situation and I truly hope you and your husband can find the help that you need, whether it be seeking advice from your doctor, therapy or counseling from your pastor/priest/spiritual leader. However, like the above poster stated, I feel that there are certain ways we should approach situations in our lives and there are definitely other ways that we should avoid. Some of what you have written is extemely personal, i.e., "erectile dysfunction", "Media addiction." In my opinion, you absolutely should not post these deeply personal and intimate details about your husband and your marriage on Facebook. Likewise, I don't think you should threaten him that you would do such a thing.
I understand the need to reach out and seek help...we all need to do that but I think you should be careful in the way you choose to do so. Even though this seems like an anonymous forum, I've had people that I know ask me, "Hey are you 'wsuchic1' on allnurses?" Posting on the internet can definitely give us a sense of false anonymity.
What your husband is experiencing sounds serious and I think, at this point, you need to seek some professional help, i.e., from a doctor, psychologist/psychiatrist, and/or pastor.
I hope you find the help/support that you both need.
everyone on here has said pretty much what i would've posted, i admire you for trying to hold on to your marriage and to seek help for your husband. i will be keeping you and your hubby in my prayers, god bless
thinkertdm, I agree with many of your statements. I think that when you marry someone (for better or worse), you do what you can to help them through some bad times. I am divorced and it was all his fault for a long time, but eventually I realized yeah, it was still mostly his fault but there were things that I could have done differently that might have made a difference. If you choose to change your own behavior to try to help someone you love, that doesn't mean you are accepting any fault - it simply means you are trying to make it work. Sometimes it doesn't work, but wouldn't you like to know you exhausted every possible option?
I have always been taught to kill someone with kindness. If the hubby is suffering from self-esteem issues, intimacy issues and depression - maybe what he needs is an extra dose of affection. It is so funny for me to make that comment, because my S.O. suffers from some of the same thing and it is not my nature to be very complimentary or touchy feely - maybe I should take my own advise.
Other posters are right, maybe it won't work and there is a time to say no more but just make sure you feel you have done all you can do first. Your husband is obviously hurting....
Absolutely try everything you can- I was worried that my post seemed like it advocated bailing at the first sign of trouble, and that is not at all what I meant.
After you have tried everything you can, you have to eventually realize that you have done everything you can, and if the other person still hasn't pulled their share- you have to leave. Most people will still be wondering if there was something that they could've done-that they didn't try hard enough. In fact, most people will stick with a person far longer than is healthy, simply because they think they can do something.
This brings up an interesting point about something like depression. Depression is an insidious disease, and the sufferer may not necessarily see the need for help. What can you do? I don't know.
I like to think of the airplane air-mask scenario- put your own mask on first, then help the person next to you. If your attempts to help the other person do not work, and your own health- physical, mental, emotional, or whatever- is failing, you need to stop. Take some time- by yourself- and recharge. You definately can't help someone if you are in trouble as well.
I don't know about the "killing with kindness" theory. This seems to bring blame onto yourself, that you did not do enough to help- you weren't nice enough, weren't kind enough, supportive enough. This is unhealthy. You are only responsible for yourself. Not anyone else.
Now, the OP's husband may have severe depression. This is treatable, but with difficulty. Try as much as you can to find help- but remember, you can only do so much.
However, if there is an underlying cognitive disease- this is more serious.
--Everything you said is exactly what I was thinking as I read the OP's msg.
ANurseWannaB
32 Posts
FairyCari,
Thank for your honest input, but I am not up for any more new marriages or big changes in my life. This is my second marriage and if this one don't work then I'm 'not looking' for another one. I'm also not giving up that easily on this marriage nor on him. I think he is physically warn down and emotionally as well. He keeps everything inside. We haven't been to church for a really long time and we use to go quite often. We were happier then. Should start up again :-)
And believe me, I know money can't buy happiness! But it can get me out of debt and keep food on my table.