Hygiene--HELP PLEASE

Would he go see a therapist?

I thought of that, but that is highly unlikely. I've asked him to go in the past for the sake of our marriage but he refuses. Why are you suggesting therapy?

poor hygiene could be a symptom of depression; low sex drive could be as well.

Besides tooth decay and gum disease poor oral hygiene is linked with cardiac disease. Abscesses wouldn't be very pleasant either.

Have you been married long? Is this new, getting worse lately, or a long-standing issue that you've had enough of? Because if it's a change it's come from somewhere and that might help you work out why. What happens when you try to discuss it with him?

I was thinking it was his age as far as the sex drive goes; he is 58-years-old.

What about plain laziness as far as hygiene goes? Sometimes I think that since he has some problems with erections that he purposely shows bad hygiene so I won't get close to him. That's just my own thoughts though.

We've had issues with Media addiction, so he still has the attraction. Suppose that's less of a threat than I am

Yeah, he's had tooth abscesses before.

Have you been married long? Is this new, getting worse lately, or a long-standing issue that you've had enough of? Because if it's a change it's come from somewhere and that might help you work out why. What happens when you try to discuss it with him?

Talaxandra,

We've been together since 2001 and married since 2004. This hygiene issue seems to have gotten worse this year. He use to wait a couple days to bathe, but now it's a week at a time or more.

When I talk to him about it, he just blows me off and/or the topic.

I thought things were going pretty good other than our non-existant sex life, and financial issues.

Risk? Infection.

My gran is 87 and lives alone with COPD. She doesn't shower or change her clothes on her own accord for multiple reasons, largely because she doesn't have the strength or energy due to her illnesses and age (and also because she was raised on a farm during the depression and thinks water is as rare as gold bullion on the street and is very conservative with what she uses - including clothing - simply because that's how things were for a very long time in her life. (She still, to this day, insists on using tea bags more than once!)

This probably isn't applicable to your husband but we have community care staff that visit her at home and assist her with showers (which involves a lot of coaxing and encouragement to actually get anywhere near the bathroom!) I clean her teeth (full dentures) every day by soaking them in in boiling water and a dental tablet and then scrubbing them with a tooth brush and toothpaste and my mum changes as much of her clothing as she can each day (some days it might just be a jumper, other days it will be everything on top, or just pants.)

She relies a lot on help from others (not that she really realises it!) for assistance with hygiene. However I don't think this is 100% applicable in your situation because your husband is far younger than my gran and you haven't implied that he is not mentally competent (my gran is also in stage 1 of dementia.)

Perhaps he needs a lot of love and reassurance from you, as his wife. & probably a lot of non-accusation-al, non-angry coaxing. I know that sounds simple and I don't doubt that you've already tried this - perhaps persistence is key?

Do his dentures not soak overnight in a denture tablet dissolved in water, or at least plain water? That would certainly help with some of the denture problems by breaking down some of the debris on them.

Can you encourage him to use deodorant as well as cologne in the AM? That might help prevent some of the build up of poor scent? On the same note, can you encourage him to rinse with a mouth wash to combat that smell? It's easier and less effort than brushing and flossing, which might appeal?

Has he been to the dentist and been told, very directly all the risks of not caring for his teeth correctly? Does this hit home at all?

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It sounds like he must be very sad about something.

I agree with Caffinated its a strong sign of depression...my mother went through the same thing with my father 6 months ago...he is seeking help at this minute. I know exactly how you feel...and because of this, my mother feels like she almost lost her husband emotionally. Please assist him on visiting a therapists. This truly helped and he is better. Good Luck to the both of you!

Rachelgeorgina,

I have tried in the past to coax him into better hygiene. I'm now to the straight forward and nagging approach--even that doesn't work. I've threatened him that I'm going to post his hygiene habits on my Facebook because I'm at my wits end. Plain and simply, this is revolting and confusing to me.

Last night I washed all of our bedding since they stunk from him. He promised me he would shower before bed, but he ended up changing his clothes instead--I was infuriated and hurt that he lied to me. Again, this morning he only washed his hair and covered himself in cologne.

I'm totally confused about the no sex issues in our marriage and even more that he won't go to counseling with me over this. The erection problem comes mostly from low self-esteme issues because he has issues with keeping an erection not getting one. Financial issues are mostly due to him spending what we don't have and then he mopes because we are burried in a hole we can't get out of. He never even looks at the checkbook. Just this week, we paid out 150 dollars in insufficients. Like I said, I am at my wits end and tired of being nice about things.

I'm getting set to go to Penn State for Nursing so our lives can be better in the near future. But, I also fear that no matter what amount of money is brought in that these issues will be with us in our marriage.

How do I coax him into therapy?

sounds like he could use a check up from the doc, regarding his mental health...does his mom know about this? i am sure others have noticed his hygeine, i would pull out all stops and ask family friends and the doc for advice

but, i also fear that no matter what amount of money is brought in that these issues will be with us in our marriage.

how do i coax him into therapy?

money does not solve *any* problems, it only pays the bills..it cannot ever buy true happiness and stability, because that is found from within!

my ex husband was terribly depressed, and he refused to get help. i stayed with him for 4 years, hoping and hoping that he would get help and change.. guess what? he did not change...

guess what else? i am now remarried to a wonderful, caring, hopeful, and happy individual! i am so happy now, i cannot believe i stayed with my ex for even 4 years.

some people will never change.. but you can change your situation.

FairyCari,

Thank for your honest input, but I am not up for any more new marriages or big changes in my life. This is my second marriage and if this one don't work then I'm 'not looking' for another one. I'm also not giving up that easily on this marriage nor on him. I think he is physically warn down and emotionally as well. He keeps everything inside. We haven't been to church for a really long time and we use to go quite often. We were happier then. Should start up again :-)

And believe me, I know money can't buy happiness! But it can get me out of debt and keep food on my table.