He refuses to take a shower for a week at a time, sometimes longer. He thinks washing his hair in the morning for work and putting on cologne will suffice.
I suppose it's a good thing that he's pretty much lost his sex drive, because I will not touch him with his crappy hygiene practices. It's so bad that in order for his false teeth to be clean, I have to put them in the container with a cleaning tablet or they won't be cleaned. He sets them on a shelf in bathroom overnight then sticks them in his mouth in the morning. The bottom teeth are real but rotting--of course he doesn't brush them barely at all and never flosses. His breath reeks of decaying food.
Okay..I know this is a sickening post. However, I wrote it because I am at my wits end. I'm tempted to post this on my facebook with friends and family reading it except I don't want to be ridiculed over it.
Will someone please tell me that dangers of poor hygiene? A list preferably so I can hand it to my husband?
Or maybe once he does take a shower you could "pounce on him". Could give him a boost of self-esteem if he thinks you find him irresistable. Then maybe he would clean more often. Because he might be thinking there is no point to put in the effort to get clean.
I was thinking something quite like this. Maybe you could get him a nice smelling men's bath and body set and tell him how much you adore it's smell. He might be inclined to use it to please you. If he did and you let him know how great he looked and smelled afterward it could boost his confidence and maybe he'd be inclined to use it more often.
As for counseling I'd try suggesting couple counseling first as it will probably seem less intimidating.
Has his hygiene always been a little on the sloppy side, and now it's worse, or was it impeccable before and now he's just a total slob?
Maybe you could get him to take a shower with you? Maybe that would help with the sex life and poor self esteem as well.
It sounds like he's depressed, try your best to get him to his doctor. If he doesn't have any other medical problems masking themselves as depression symptoms, antidepressants may be in order. That would be up to the doctor, though.
Whether or not you get him to see a medical doctor or a therapist, though, I suggest you see a therapist yourself. Oftentimes people who are attracted to the helping professions (nursing, social work) are also attracted to people who need help as well.
I have had many nurse friends who are constantly finding a new partner to "fix." I can't say that has been an issue in my marriage (if anything, I was probably a damsel in distress to my DH) but I have had plenty of friendships with (mostly) women who have constant drama, constant problems, are always needing me. And I loved to be needed, loved to be in the thick of whatever crisis came up this week. Eventually I'd get tired of each of those (mostly) women and I'd dread the phone call or letter or visit from them. Our friendships would usually just fade when I'd not be as available and they'd find someone else's shoulder to cry upon.
Those friendships were exhausting! I'm still that person that everyone wants to cry on my shoulder or tell their life story, but I've learned to have boundaries so I don't get bogged down.
It's much harder when it's someone you love, though. Ultimatums can be very tricky. You have to be willing to follow through with whatever you say you will do. And if he's so far down, he may not be able to pull himself up enough to change, even if he wants to.
Specializes in LTC,Hospice/palliative care,acute care.
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We've been together since 2001 and married since 2004. This hygiene issue seems to have gotten worse this year. He use to wait a couple days to bathe, but now it's a week at a time or more.
When I talk to him about it, he just blows me off and/or the topic.
I thought things were going pretty good other than our non-existant sex life, and financial issues.
What has happened to you that makes you think living this way has been "pretty good"? You don't deserve to live like this. He can't balance the check book and isn't bathing-both of these are big red flags to me. It looks to me like he may have some type of early onset dementia but I have also seen brain tumors ,drug abuse and mental breakdowns cause this type of behavior. Whatever the cause you need help now-start with your family doctor. You could be in danger yourself if his condition continues to deteriorate-he may become very implusive,go into rages and even get physical. Is there someone at his work you could speak with regarding his performance their? His competency may be a concern there too -they may be able to push him into seeking some type of help if he has problems there which I suspect he does....Good Luck
Please don't post this information to Facebook. I understand that you are frustrated, but I promise you this will not help. If your SO is depressed, he likely already feels like he's about two rungs down on the ladder from a worm, and having you recount his failures in public will just make him feel worse.
I would offer you some suggestions that might help you get him into therapy. When I was younger, I went through a severe depresssion that played a large role in the loss of my first marriage. I wasn't really able to help myself, although I tried some, I just didn't have the energy to stick with it. I wish that my ex-husband would have cared about me enough to go to therapy with me, or even just to care enough to take me to the appointments when I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed to go. I didn't even feel like he cared one way or ther other about how I felt or if I got better. So one suggestion would be to outright confront him. Tell him you want him to go to the therapy because you love him and value your relationship. Offer to work on your relationship in therapy with him, or just to help him get to his appts if he isn't ready for you to be there to hear his deepest darkest feelings. You have to mean it, though. He already probably feels like he's not worth your love, so he may be skeptical or need to hear that repeated. And follow through! I would have been compliant with my meds and therapy if I had had support for the times when I just couldn't do it on my own. I wanted to get better, but I didn't have the energy or psychological reserve to do it all.
He probably should also see an MD re: his ED to rule out a physical cause. An MD could also help with meds if needed.
I would also echo those who say that you need to take care of yourself. I do understand now, although I didn't at the time, that my depression was just too much for my ex to handle.
Specializes in Management, Emergency, Psych, Med Surg.
He sounds very depressed to me. The symptoms you describe are classic symptoms of depression. I would suggest that you get him in to see his doctor if there is any way that you can get him there. If not, you go and talk it over with the doctor and see what he has to say. I have depression. I have had weeks where I could not get out of bed. I understand that feeling. But with medications and therapy I am glad to say I have reached a full 100% recovery. Help is out there. You just have to figure out a way to get help to him.
No way would I tolerate that for a day, much less a week.
If he is that nasty with his personal hygiene, I sure hope he doesn't cook anything in your house...because he probably would think nothing of going to the bathroom, wipe his butt, skip the sink and come into the kitchen to cut up veggies for a salad.
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I was thinking something quite like this. Maybe you could get him a nice smelling men's bath and body set and tell him how much you adore it's smell. He might be inclined to use it to please you. If he did and you let him know how great he looked and smelled afterward it could boost his confidence and maybe he'd be inclined to use it more often.
As for counseling I'd try suggesting couple counseling first as it will probably seem less intimidating.