Husband doesn't understand... advice?

loriangel14, RN · Jun 23, 2014

That's tough if he's giving you a hard time. I do 3 twelves in a row regularly and I am bagged after the third. It is really hard to explain to others how exhausting it is. All you can do for yourself is to take a day to recover after three. No advice on how to deal with the hubby. I'm glad I live alone.

bootsbug · Jun 23, 2014

It gets easier with the husband.. At least for me it did. I'm not a nurse but I'm a cna and I work three 14s in a row.. At first he was so mad that I was working all day.. And didn't understand how much I did and that I was on my feet the entire time. I would come home to a messy house, the kids still needing dinner, and baths. But I just did it. I mean you have to do what you have to do... Trying to get someone to understand won't happen... I'm sure it will get easier on you.. And hopefully he will eventually be more helpful and see how hard you truly are working! But all the nurses here understand! I hope that makes the situation better... :)

Pediatric Critical Care Columnist · Jun 23, 2014

I leave for work at 6:10 and usually crawl back in the door around 8:15. Three in a row is really exhausting, not just physically but mentally too. And it's all but impossible for those who don't wear our white oxfords to really get what we do while we're gone. I've been trying to drill it into my husband's head for 20 years now, but he still can't even remember that when I work nights I get up at noonish on the day of my first one and again on the day after my last one. I'm still getting, "So you're sleeping til 4:30 tomorrow, right?" He also thinks I should be happy to stop at the store on the way home and pick up groceries, and to mow the lawn on my day off, even though he isn't working right now. I think that's starting to change though because when I got home after my third day 12 in a row last week he offered to fill my foot massager bath and empty it again when I was done. He even dried off my feet for me.(The fact that he spilt the water all over the living room floor is beside the point. It's the thought that counts, right?)

One thing that you'll learn over time is to plan your activities so that you have nothing that MUST be done on the days you work except to go to work and get back home again. You can put it to your husband this way: "I realize that you work hard at your job every day and that you deserve some downtime when you get home. But so do I. Could we agree that on the days when I work, you'll (fill in the blanks - tidy the house, bathe the kids, feed the dog, water the garden, whatever) and on my days off I'll (some small blue task that he always does like take out the garbage or unload the dishwasher)." Don't give him too much room though! Because you know you're still going to be doing all of those pink jobs that you've always had responsibility for. It's an imperative that you get enough rest and get into a routine. Your friends will have to adjust too. You can't do your job well if you're trying to make everybody else happy.

Whoatemyburger · Jun 23, 2014

I leave for work at 6:10 and usually crawl back in the door around 8:15. Three in a row is really exhausting, not just physically but mentally too. And it's all but impossible for those who don't wear our white oxfords to really get what we do while we're gone. I've been trying to drill it into my husband's head for 20 years now, but he still can't even remember that when I work nights I get up at noonish on the day of my first one and again on the day after my last one. I'm still getting, "So you're sleeping til 4:30 tomorrow, right?" He also thinks I should be happy to stop at the store on the way home and pick up groceries, and to mow the lawn on my day off, even though he isn't working right now. I think that's starting to change though because when I got home after my third day 12 in a row last week he offered to fill my foot massager bath and empty it again when I was done. He even dried off my feet for me.(The fact that he spilt the water all over the living room floor is beside the point. It's the thought that counts, right?)
One thing that you'll learn over time is to plan your activities so that you have nothing that MUST be done on the days you work except to go to work and get back home again. You can put it to your husband this way: "I realize that you work hard at your job every day and that you deserve some downtime when you get home. But so do I. Could we agree that on the days when I work, you'll (fill in the blanks - tidy the house, bathe the kids, feed the dog, water the garden, whatever) and on my days off I'll (some small blue task that he always does like take out the garbage or unload the dishwasher)." Don't give him too much room though! Because you know you're still going to be doing all of those pink jobs that you've always had responsibility for. It's an imperative that you get enough rest and get into a routine. Your friends will have to adjust too. You can't do your job well if you're trying to make everybody else happy.

Great advice .... I do the same with my husband !

vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN · Jun 23, 2014

Not to sound snarky.... But this is why I hope to stay single for a long time. BTDT with my (now ex) husband. We're now divorced and I remember his lack of understanding. (In fact, it's a big reason why we divorced after 10 yrs and 3 kids!)

I hope some ladies here can give you better advice. But I think many -- most men can't understand how taxing work can be.

Right now, I only have to worry about my 9 year old. And that's much easier than trying to meet the needs of a husband while working.

Good luck to you!!!

chrisrn24 · Jun 23, 2014

Nobody really understands overnight shift unless they've done it.

liberated847 · Jun 23, 2014

Not to sound snarky.... But this is why I hope to stay single for a long time. BTDT with my (now ex) husband. We're now divorced and I remember his lack of understanding. (In fact, it's a big reason why we divorced after 10 yrs and 3 kids!)
I hope some ladies here can give you better advice. But I think many -- most men can't understand how taxing work can be.
Right now, I only have to worry about my 9 year old. And that's much easier than trying to meet the needs of a husband while working.
Good luck to you!!!

Most men??? I suspect there is more to your divorce story.... The truth is that women can be just as bad, it's never good to generalize.

invisiblewounds · Jun 23, 2014

Come home after working 3 - 12s and have to get dinner for the kids, clean the house, etcetera? NOPE. You can bet your bippy I wouldn't put up with that nonsense for long. Even after one 12 hr, I'm not going to come home and fix dinner or whatever.

Physical or mental...one way or another...future "wound" nurse.

AmyRN303, BSN, RN · Jun 23, 2014

Most men??? I suspect there is more to your divorce story.... The truth is that women can be just as bad, it's never good to generalize.

If you were to go back and read some of VM's posts, you'd see there is more to the story, though not in the way you're insinuating.

vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN · Jun 23, 2014

If you were to go back and read some of VM's posts, you'd see there is more to the story, though not in the way you're insinuating.

Thanks for pointing that out, AmyRN. I'm not sure if I'm on AN enough that people "know me", like I feel like I "know" certain other frequent posters. So, yeah, my comment was made mostly in relation to my own experience.

All I said was that a lot of men don't understand how taxing work is. I don't really think it's an unfair statement to make. I guess the reverse is true for some women, as well.

I'm not trying to get in an argument about sexism and gender roles, but I think traditionally a lot of women have supported men with demanding careers such as medical, law, military, etc. But I have seen in my observations (in real life and on AN) many men who don't seem to realize why their wives can't watch the kids or run errands after they get off working a 12 hour noc, or whatever.

But some men are understanding of the needs of a working spouse or are wiling to learn how to be...those are definitely the keepers.

bootsbug · Jun 23, 2014

Come home after working 3 - 12s and have to get dinner for the kids, clean the house, etcetera? NOPE. You can bet your bippy I wouldn't put up with that nonsense for long. Even after one 12 hr, I'm not going to come home and fix dinner or whatever.
Physical or mental...one way or another...future "wound" nurse.

So you would let your kids starve? I didn't say I cooked for my my husband, I took care of my kids. Just because you have long shifts... Doesn't mean you forget about your kids... Or don't take care of them...